So some context, I’ve been dating this guy (20M) for a little over a year and he’s great (truly) (I’m a 20F). We have good chemistry and we’re compatible but he just isn’t romantic at all. And sometimes it makes me feel insecure because I think maybe I’m just not good enough to be loved the way they are in the movies or he doesn’t like me enough to treat me those ways. Other times I think him and I should break up because I want to feel more passion and romance and magic. I know it all sounds stupid probably. That passion is overrated. That what’s special is finding someone who is consistent and there for you. Which he is. And maybe I’d be messing up a great thing by breaking up with him. But something feels like it’s missing. Any advice?
42 comments
Talk to him about it?
>Any advice?
I’m going to ask you a weird question. I have a point I’m trying to make.
What teaches you more about horseriding? Watching a youtube video about horseriding? Or riding a horse?
Before I get to your post, let me say respectfully, you need to find your value in yourself.
And not because nobody else will give you that boost, but for your own self-defense. You see, self-esteem coming from others can be taken away by others. Requiring external sources for self-worth puts you in a very vulnerable position, and someone with bad intentions can really do a number on you.
Back to your post. The only place ideal partners exist is in movies and on TV. Because the character is fictional and carefully crafted to create that magic. Real life has nothing close to that. Real life does not have “perfect matches”.
And again, not to sound disrespectful – if you did find your perfect match, you might very well torture yourself wondering if you were worthy of it.
Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Love is not like the movies. Love is not like the romance of famous people. Learn each other’s love languages & communicate your feelings
If you think a relationship will be like anything you have seen in any movie your expectations are way off and you have no idea what an actual relationship is.
As with so many things in life, it depends on the specific people. Guys absolutely can be romantic but like….they need to know what the girl (or boy or person, whoever) in front of them finds romantic. Yeah flowers, candles blah blah blah. That’s easy but what’s REALLY romantic is when people pay attention to their partners and pay off on details. Example: I saw a TikTok of a girl talking about the moment she knew her man REALLY loved her. She had mentioned a childhood book she loved but she could only remember sparse details. The dude went and found the book and bought her 2 copies. They’re married lol. But there was literally no way he would have known to find that book if she hadn’t talked to him about it which brings me to my final point which is to communicate this shit to him. Your dude’s not wrong on his point about learning how to be romantic but you gotta give him some material to springboard off of. You’re also in this relationship, are you not? Do your part too.
I think romcoms are pretty toxic in terms of what they hold up. A bit like how porn sets the wrong expectations for people about sex.
You’re wrong to have expectations for a guy to treat you that way, especially if you think it should be a one-sided thing.(not sure if you do, but alot of rom-coms can be that way.)
Do you show him passion and romance?
Personally, I have never put forth alot of time and effort into passion/romance unless I thought my partner was passionate/romantic towards me.
Basically, If you want romance, be romantic yourself.
Romance/passion is almost a bonus in a relationship. If all the necessaries are in good order (sex,communication, etc.) Then Romance/passion should naturally happen, in my opinion.
It’s really hard to say!
The longer you’re together, especially if you move in together, (usually) the less stuff you do that would seem exciting from the outside.
But I believe you should still have lovely moments together. We’re probably the most boring married couple ever, but we watched a YouTube video together last night that made us laugh so hard it was literally painful and I almost peed, and it just felt so good to be together with my best friend. We love to go to bookstores together. We like to try new restaurants. I don’t know if it’s important to do stuff that looks good in a movie, but you should have moments of being together that make you feel good.
It might help to learn more about the 5 Love Languages. I’ve seen a lot of bad takes related to the concept, and if I’m going to be honest, I think the actual author himself is kind of cringe. But I actually think the concept itself is pretty useful. The kind of things that make you feel loved and valued are not necessarily the same things that make him feel loved and valued.
What makes you feel loved? If he tells you “I love you” and compliments you? If he brings you your favorite fancy coffee when you’re feeling blah? A good hug or cuddle?
I don’t know if a guy that says “guys just aren’t romantic” has enough buy-in to creating romance, but maybe if you both think about it for a while, you’ll discover that what you really want is verbal praise and affection, and what he really wants is to just spend time together in the same place. At that point, it would be both of your goals to show love more often in the way that the other person would best receive it, not always in the way that you naturally show it.
I heard a comment once that really stuck with me. When you are used to toxic rollercoasters, a healthy relationship feels like a boring carousel.
Boring attracts boring. What makes *you* so damn interesting and full of glitter and drama, OP?
when i was younger, i “settled”. i started dating a friend of mine because we were mostly compatible and i could see it working out. turns out we were not compatible in some big ways like romance, passion, and sex drive, but we forged ahead regardless because, like you said, i was feeling like it would be naive to expect a sweep you off your feet kind of love.
when i met my husband i was in another relationship with someone abusive. we became friends, it was VERY platonic. when i finally left my abusive boyfriend, i met up with my now-husband to hang out with one of the few friends i’d managed to hang on to throughout an awful relationship. we kissed immediately, it was passionate and wonderful and i still get butterflies 7 years later thinking about it.
it didn’t work for us right away, but about a year in we hit our stride. i can tell you that there’s real chemistry and love out there better than any romantic movie you’ve ever seen. i’m pregnant right now and feeling crummy lately so he paid for me to go get my lashes done and made dinner for me, and when he sees me walk in he acts like it’s the first time he saw me that first day all over again. i get excited to see him when i come home, it feels like a friday night in elementary school where you’re going to have a sleepover with your best friend but it’s every night. i wake up in the middle of the night and get this intense feeling of love washing over me when i see him lying next to me with his arms flung over his head, snoring like crazy. we even spent the last few summers working together, we’d work these crazy long days and then come home and make dinner together and have sex every night and fall asleep snuggling and do it all over again the next day.
i almost feel sad for movie characters sometimes because the love i feel in my marriage is nothing like that, it’s so much better.
I literally had this exact same problem with my ex. I am now still living with him and actively trying to win him back. I realized that while I was resenting him for not being romantic, I also NEVER TOLD HIM. So here is my advice:
Don’t drop hints. Don’t be coy. Don’t hope that he’ll “just get it.” Tell him you would love flowers, sometime soon. Maybe once a month.
Say you would be THRILLED if he called you just to check in.
Tell him you’d like a compliment today.
Literally whatever it is that you feel is romantic to you, ASK/SUGGEST/TELL HIM TO DO EXACTLY THAT. My ex definitely would have done at least one of those things had I just ASKED, or had i at least told him how I was feeling because of the lack of romance.
I regret breaking up with my ex every day. You really can’t replace that kind of chemistry and trust.
I asked my wife. She says I swept her off her feet with the romance. That was 28 years ago. I’m still the romantic one. We still feel alive together. Do I think this is typical? I wish it was. We were high school sweethearts, though. Not to be down on you, but at age 20, I wouldn’t give up looking for the romance.
People are giving you a lot of crap because of the whole movies thing you said but guys can ABSOLUTELY be romantic. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had had gotten me flowers on birthdays and valentines or just because, taken me out for nice dinners, been sweet and showered me in compliments and love. It’s not hard and I’d say most well adjusted guys know to treat their partners like this. My bf of 3 years treats me wonderfully and is very romantic, he’s written me a song and gets me lovely cards, flowers, and presents for every occasion. Don’t settle for less than that because this lazy dude is trying to convince you no guy will make any effort to be romantic for you. No it’s not going to be like Heath Ledger in 10 things I hate about you but it’s definitely not supposed to be boring.
There are romantic people, and people who have no interest in that type of lifestyle.
You’ve found someone who doesn’t seem to romanticize life, and thus doesn’t bring romance to you.
Lots of people/men approach life with sensuality and affectation. Go find them.
I mean, you’re twenty, I would say that now is the time to date interesting and exciting people . You have your whole life for consistency . I wouldn’t listen to romcoms about what to look out for, but also… now is the time to get your heart broken by someone you love passionately , so go find that if it’s something you want .
I have been in a great relationship for 5 years now and the movies are dramatized to the max. No reasonable person would come to your house in the rain because you’re upset- you’re your own person snd can help yourself. In most relationships they don’t fall into each other’s arms after they went to work for the day. Relationships have fun but also repetitive sides- which i personally like. Nothing feels safer than to come home to a person you trust with your life
I think your issue is more of a communication one, maybe he is Romantic just not in the way you might want to. Sit down with him and talk about what make you feel loved what you think is romantic and also ask for what his love language is.
For example my partner is not the stereotypical romantic type but they ordered me some food since I was really busy with a meeting, it’s worth having a talk, personally almost a decade later it is still not boring
Don’t settle at age 20. Your 20s are for dating all sorts of weird and interesting people. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. There are a lot of men who will romance you and seduce you and make you feel like the most fascinating creature in the world. You don’t necessarily have to marry him, but you should experience this.
It’s a mixed bag. There should be passion, love, romance. Not necessarily like the movies because of course that is the extreme version of everything. Some of it comes from meeting people that are already maybe more expressive that way. Some of it comes from having a partner that you can communicate your wants/needs with and they’re open to trying to provide that for you.
you’re allowed to want more
If you don’t have fun and get bored, then he might not be for you. Someone can be a great guy but incompatible with you. However, passion/magic can exist and then fizzle out after a few months. Romantic movies are unrealistic and you never see the 5 years, 10 years, later.
Relationships are a lot of work. Nothing happens “just because” like in movies. I guess it’s a balance and if he is just 20, then maybe you try to work with him in what you’d like. Or maybe it won’t be enough.
Trust me real life and movies are nothing alike
And at the opposite end, ridiculous expectations after drowning in porn.
Your rom com expectations are toxic and hypocritical.
Where exactly is his magic? When did you last sweep him off his feel and make him “feel alive”?
Is your mere presence meant to be good enough, whilst he has to put in all of the effort compared to your contribution of nothing?
It’s ok to expect romance, but you have to also be doing things to create that romantic atmosphere. Don’t expect to be completely passive and be wowed by romance.
It’s not unrealistic to expect romance and an actual love story in a relationship. If you’re putting in the effort and he just isn’t stepping up you don’t have to settle no matter how great of guy he was. I’ve known my current bf for 5 years. We had a break in between and the guy I dated attempted to do the things I wanted to do that showed he cared (not so much romantic but that’s because I’m not a romantic person) however in the end he made it pretty clear that he’d rather sit around, drink, listen to music and have me be the one to initiate anything and my ideal relationship of traveling and being together was stupid. I’m back with the other guy who’s absolutely ‘the one’ and we are constantly having fun little adventures and travels (which is my preference as well as his over romance) And in all the time we’ve known each other that hasn’t fizzled out. You’re young, date around. Find someone who sets your soul on fire. It makes life a hell of a lot more fun.
It’s definitely not like in the movies because we always see a happy ending after one long struggle, and then the movie ends. We don’t see what it’s like when they’re actually together for a long time lol or about everyday life.
Something I don’t know about is hearing phrases like if he loves you he’ll do anything for you and if he’s ever unsure he’s wrong for you… On one hand I get some of that, but on the other people have their own shit going on and having doubts come up is just a part of questioning to make sure something is right for you no? Idkk would love to hear what guys think about that
Maybe more MSNBC than Hallmark…?
I think you just haven’t figured out what his love language is, and aren’t ‘seeing’ his romantic gestures as they are not classical rom com ones.
I hate to say this but I suspect that you maybe too immature for a serious relationship at the moment.
You appear to have expectations that your boyfriend does not meet. It’s hard to tell if they are unreasonable expectations.
I suggest that you get individual counseling to help you decide and then couples counselling to help you both to find the way.
Good luck
Passion is not overrated, and it’s absolutely normal to want romance. I’m so tired of seeing people justifying lack of effort by saying that ‘life is not a movie’. Well yes, it’s not but it doesn’t have to be exactly like in movies, and most of the time romance is about small gestures, planning romantic dates, saying nice things to you and surprising you (and maybe occasional grand gestures). None of those things are super hard to do. Like, it takes me 10 min max to make a reservation, or google a nice park to take my SO to, and I tell them sweet things all the time (I’m a woman).
You can try to talk to him, explain how you feel and see what he says. If he says that’s not who he is, or promises to change but doesn’t do anything, then it’s not going to change and you’ll be stuck with growing resentment the whole time. And you already know you don’t want to give up romance in your life.
To people who say you should show him what romance is: You can try ofc, but in my experience those who don’t want to put in effort in romance will gladly take what you give and never give anything back.
What you are feeling is not stupid, and you should find someone who can give you what you want.
Edit: Saw your comments where you mentioned you already communicated and nothing changed. It’s not gonna get any better, so I’d go find someone who can give you what you want.
To me it sounds like you guys maybe aren’t as compatible as you think. You may have great chemistry with him and I’m sure he’s a great guy but that doesn’t mean he’s right for you. If you’ve already talked to him about what you both need out of the relationship to feel satisfied and be hasn’t changed, then I think you should reevaluate if you’d be happy in this relationship long term. It’s ok for him to not be romantic and it’s ok for you to want a partner that is. It doesn’t make either of you guys a bad partner. From personal experience, I’ve learned that no matter how well I might get along with my partner, I’m not willing to sacrifice my own happiness. It’s better to be single than to spend time in a relationship where you don’t feel fulfilled
A really ‘boring’ male here, who also to stay home unless there was a reason to go out.
Good discussion, and interesting perspectives as is the case on reddit… I’ll just add few things that I’ve understood over the years (I may be wrong, though).
I’d say from personal experience that we men are often clueless. We are different and don’t have as much intuition as women about relationship and feelings and what’s required of us. And on the outside it looks like we don’t care.
It’s not a bad thing to be passionate about same things as a couple, in fact, it may work well when as long as both know to appreciate each other’s interests and try to be part of them as an… extra, or to even just listen to stories about each others work/interests.
I’ve learned that communication, to keep listening, and to learn what the other person is passionate about helps.
There are things, basic things, that I don’t need to be ‘told’ about, and I don’t need to tell my partner. I just automatically help her and be of use; and she does the same. Other than that, it’s okay to give a clue what I want what she wants; because we are all busy in our heads with stuff no one has any idea about, and things can get missed.
I’ve learned to take it easy. Nobody, nobody is perfect. We are all a work in progress. Whether we are becoming a better person each day depends as much on us as on who we have chosen as a partner, it goes both ways.
Idk everyone’s different.
My ex was very much “why waste the money on dates since we’re already dating. Let’s just watch a movie on the couch and then have sex halfway through.” I couldn’t even get him to make those little stamped design sugar cookies with me as an at home date. But he was an excellent cook and made food for me and my mom when he came to visit.
My current boyfriend took me on a picnic for a first date and told me later he would’ve performed a song from my favorite movie (10 things i hate about you, when he tries to win her back by performing… whatever the song was i forget the name) if there hadn’t been people there but he chickened out. He runs me baths that we take together and still brings me bouquets and gifts and takes me on movie dates and stuff. That’s just how he is.
You just need to evaluate how important it is to you and see if he would be willing to do that for you on occasion/maybe if you both do romantic things for each other it’ll become more ritualistic in your relationship (?)
Just talk to him, let him know you want to feel special and a little effort in the romance department would go a long way
I think if there’s is something specific you want bf to do, you should say to him “I want you to do XYZ,” or “I really like ABC.” Guys aren’t mind readers. Also sounds like you have some pretty traditional ideas of a relationship, which is fine I guess, but also not what most people are about nowadays
When you are in love even the smallest moments and thing feel grander than any silly romcom.
At least for me.
Life is awfully mundane, to the point it sometimes feels like it’s driving me to the point of insanity. If you want a more romantic partner, talk to him about it or possibly find someone more compatible, but keep in mind it’ll never be like the movies.
I recently went through something similar. I did a lot of reading on topics like resentment, expectations and BPD and finally came to the conclusion that my expectations weren’t wild or a sign of mental health issues, but that I just hadn’t been communicating my wants and needs in a clear way. Also that I had often been stonewalling my partners attempts at intimate advances because of feelings of inadequatecy or harbored resentment.
I had the same thought as you that I was maybe brainwashed by Hollywood or wanting too much, but after talking honestly with my partner I can say that’s not what was going on. It’s okay to have some realistic expectations and wants around having some romance. If your not feeling satisfied in your relationship it’s worth exploring why.
Yes it’s an insane expectation