Hi guys, I (F29) have been with my girlfriend (F25) for a bit more than a year. I love her very much and I know she loves me too but I’m starting to wonder if our relationship is going to work out. We have different needs and different views about relationships. I’ll explain.
My girlfriend never spent more than a few months single and always had long-term relationships. She also used to be codependent with her romantic partners. Because of that, she feels like she needs more independence and she places a lot of importance in keeping a balance in her life and relationships. She’s even interested in polyamory one day (which is something I told her I could maybe be open to under very specific circumstances; let’s say we’ve been together for years, we live together, we have built a strong foundation of trust, communication, partnership, etc).
But since we started dating, she’s been making it clear that she doesn’t want to spend too much time together. 1-2 a week max. She’s really introverted and needs her alone time because she gets easily tired and overwhelmed.
I agree with the importance of spending time apart. I also agree with the importance of having a support system, other relationships, hobbies, alone time, etc. But what I really value in a romantic relationship is the partnership, the companionship that comes with it. Spending time together, not every waking minute but definitely more than 1-2/week. For me, partnership means two individuals going through life together as a team and looking at a future together, etc.
For me, 1-2/week is not a lot, especially considering that we’ve been dating for a year, but I can compromise because when we see each other it’s usually for the whole day. She also doesn’t want to live with a romantic partner right now because she had bad experiences in the past. I respect that and I wouldn’t want to move with her now either since we’ve only been dating for a year, but it’s something I’d like in the future. The thing is, the few times we talked about it, she said she doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future and it stresses her out to think about it, she’s just trying to go through one day at a time and finish University.
Again, I understand and I’m willing to compromise. But here’s a bigger problem. She’s in what she calls a queer platonic relationship with her roommate, which means they’re not romantically/sexually attracted to each other but they consider themselves partners. Not sure if I understand correctly, but it’s a term commonly used in the aromantic/asexual community (which her roommate is, apparently).
I see their relationship more like a close friendship no matter the name they want to give it, and I tried to just let go. But for me, the term ‘’partner’’ means a lot and I would prefer to be the only person she sees as ‘’her partner’’. We had discussions about this, we even broke up at some point (it wasn’t the only reason but it was a big part of the problem) but decided to give it another try.
I know they don’t kiss, cuddle, have sex or anything like that but I feel like they still have the partnership aspect that I’d like to have with her because well, they live together and are around each other a lot and I only get to see her 1-2/week. My gf told me many times that her roommate is depressed and is really introverted and so they don’t spend that much time together, but how they define their relationship + the fact that they are around each other makes me feel jealous.
They met and started living together a few months before my gf and I met and I decided to give the relationship a try. At first because I didn’t know that being in a queer platonic relationship with someone involved seeing the other person as your partner, then I just decided to accept it anyway because it’s platonic. So part of it is my fault. I didn’t stand up for myself and what I want. At the same time, I feel like it would be unfair to ask her to give up this relationship or whatever it is, but considering how things are going in general, I don’t think I’m comfortable with it anymore.
Recently, she spent 2-3 nights in a row hanging out with her roommate. I got upset and distant, and she felt something was off and she asked me if she did something wrong. So I told her… I said that I have a hard time with her spending time with her roommate that she considers as her partner when we barely get to talk with her during the day, and that I value partnership in a relationship, etc. But then the conversation ended up being about how I didn’t react correctly at first, how I was blaming her and hiding how I feel and how stressed out me being distant made her feel… We talked a bit and then she told me she loves me very much and she wants me to have space to process my feelings but she didn’t say anything about their relatioship. I didn’t feel heard at all, like it was all my fault.
I don’t want to write too much because I’m trying to keep it short but other than that, our relationship is great. We love each other, she’s always supportive of me, we have fun together, we’ve gotten so much better at communication when it comes to other issues.
I’m worried that if I say that I want her to end this queer platonic thing and stay friends (which wouldn’t change a damn thing since there’s no romantic or sexual attraction between them), she won’t accept it and the only option will be for us to break up so I try to convince myself that ”they’re just roommate and friends, it’s ok, it won’t always be like this”.
I love her so much, but I at the same time I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by staying in this relationship. If anyone wants to share their perspective, I’d really like to hear about it.
**TL;DR; : Girlfriend and her roommate call each other partners (queer platonic relationship) but I’m monogamous and I don’t know if I can deal with it anymore**.
9 comments
Romantic things come and go but being friends with someone and having a strong bond can last forever. I have a family member whose best friend is their soulmate, and that friend is married and even refers to them as such as well. Everyone has such complex meanings of things and there’s no one wrong way to look at it.
I am also assuming she and the person you’re talking about have known each other significantly longer than you’ve known her- as such, it’s unfortunately possible that for her that sort of comfort she has with that person will at least for now always be higher because that long term trust is there. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling uncomfortable, but I’m not sure it sounds like she would be willing to give up this friendship/partnership that she finds stable for herself since it sounds like living with other people is a big step for her. Breaking off that partnership while living together would also probably be pretty uncomfortable for her depending on how long their lease is.
I think your best bet is to just be honest that this isn’t fulfilling for either of you and maybe take a break to reevaluate both of your needs.
Okay, I’m your age, agender, bisexual, asexual-spectrum, and haven’t dated any women, so maybe you won’t love this opinion. But it sounds like you two just aren’t on the same page? It sounds like you want something more serious than she’s ready for. She’s younger, and most of her past relationships haven’t worked out. For me, I’m looking forward to finally celebrating an anniversary with my partner, which is a first for me. I think that when you’ve had a lot of relationships end, you value your platonic relationships even more. My friendships have outlasted my exes. QPR is extremely attractive when you’re not married. I mean, having a mutual commitment where you know you have an emergency contact and you don’t have to worry about falling out of love? That is my ideal friendship.
>I feel like they still have the partnership aspect that I’d like to have with her because well, they live together and are around each other a lot and I only get to see her 1-2/week
Honestly, it sounds like you’re threatened by the idea of having to share your girlfriend’s time and heart. This seems like something you should investigate. You desire to see her more in your relationship, and she’s good with your current schedules. Every couple has to negotiate the time spent together. It sounds like you’re trying to escalate the relationship, and she is happy with how it currently is.
>she said she doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future and it stresses her out to think about it, she’s just trying to go through one day at a time and finish University.
This is a life stage issue. You are looking to settle down, and she hasn’t started her career yet. She will eventually figure things out, but you are asking her for something that she cannot give you now.
It sucks to date someone who is unwilling or unable to give you what you need. Maybe you two are not compatible right now. To me, how she practices her relationships sounds like my dream. I would love to have a QPR and a girlfriend. It just sounds to me like this relationship is pretty frustrating for both of you, and neither of your desires are wrong, but you’re reacting badly. If you can’t accept her QPR, I think you should break up. At least that would cut off this cycle of fighting and pain.
Bottom line you my dear are not a priority in your GF eyes. Sorry but you are the one to have fun with not stay with
>She’s even interested in polyamory one day
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>She’s in what she calls a queer platonic relationship with her roommate
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>they consider themselves partners
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>I said that I have a hard time with her spending time with her roommate that she considers as her partner when we barely get to talk with her during the day, and that I value partnership in a relationship, etc.
>
>But then the conversation ended up being about how I didn’t react correctly at first, how I was blaming her
You are already in a polyamorous relationship. Her primary partner is her roommate, and her secondary partner is you. Platonic or romantic or sexual relationships, doesn’t matter, this is polyamory.
But when you tried to bring up a concern, she immediately blamed you for reacting wrong months ago, and played the victim saying she was being unfairly blamed when you were just trying to express a negative feeling that you had.
She is not a good partner to you. Polyamory is tricky and requires excellent communication and sensitivity to your partners’ needs. She is not communicating well, she is being dismissive of you and even a little manipulative.
Not only is she not meeting your needs, she doesn’t even like to talk about your needs. You should really break up with her, you can do so much better. You will find someone who meets more of your needs, and who is good at communication and problem solving when they can’t meet your needs. She will never be that.
Doesn’t sound like you guys are compatible
>She’s even interested in polyamory one day (which is something I told her I could maybe be open to under very specific circumstances; let’s say we’ve been together for years, we live together, we have built a strong foundation of trust, communication, partnership, etc).
Everyone else has given some advice so I’ll just add my two cents on this.
This was a pretty dangerous thing to say, because you’re making a decision based on potential (albeit a lot of the factors you mentioned are necessary for a good and healthy relationship in the first place). If you have a partner interested in polyamory and you aren’t at that moment, you don’t tell them that you may be okay with it one day. You don’t know if one day you truly will be, at any present moment it’s either an absolute yes or no. If you weren’t in a relationship but do think about whether you may consider polyamory one day, that’s okay, because there would be no other party to compromise the happiness of.
I’m not saying you saying this caused everything you’re going through now. She isn’t treating you right. But just remember not to say or make your future decisions based on potential. It will hurt.
Yep, you’re already in a polyamorous relationship. Queerplatonic partnership is a full and important relationship, no more or less so than if she had another romantic partner. You should assume this is a potentially lifelong relationship she will always be in, and decide accordingly what that means for your own relationship with her. It’s fine if that means you want to break up. It’s fine if that means you want to stay together but improve your communication skills and ask for more time with her. It sounds like she may not have it in her to give you more time right now and you’ll have to decide what that means for you.
They’re probably doing the dirty if I’m being honest. Based on what you said about your gf , she seems to know exactly what she’s doing.
It seems to me she wants to have her cake and eat it by having this casual-relationship with the roommate and having you around like some part-time girlfriend. As others have said, it appears you both have different expectations about a romantic relationship. Unless you can find a way to be happy with this arrangement (which seems doubtful) then maybe you need to re-assess things with her.
I’m sorry to say but this is why polyamory is riddled with problems because jealousy is always a factor and someone always loses out. No one wants to play second fiddle and rightfully so.
You deserve a partner who’ll be fully committed to you. I wish you all the best.