I need advice on what I should do.
TLDR: I’m 27(M) and she is 25(F) for context. Normally, I would never try and form any sort of sexual relationship with a coworker, but something made me view this girl as an exception (all the guys in the office dream about having a chance with her). So when we came to the company initially, she was in an abusive marriage and I was single. We would talk all day about any and everything since we sat beside each other, to the point where others assumed there was something between us.
I respected that boundary and distanced myself, to the point where I would end conversations and be jokingly mean to her at work. Fast forwarding to her getting a divorce, we start talking more and more outside of work. On Tuesday, she tells me that she’s just looking on dating apps for sex with no strings attached.
She asks me if I hate her, and thats where I confess to tell her its actually the opposite. She then asks what I’m doing this weekend and I tell her not to beat around the bush. We confessed to being physically attracted to each other. Im thinking that she wanted to be wined and dined, but she tells me that she just wants to hook up at my place on Friday. Again, not the best idea but I was cool with it.
We confirm plans for Friday. When Friday comes around, she does a complete 180. Tells me that she doesn’t want people knowing, and that we shouldn’t because we are coworkers. I get this, but why say this now when you were the one that suggested we have sex a few days ago? Things will forever be awkward now, and I didn’t even get to sleep with her. what a waste.
8 comments
You leave it be. It sounds like you were objectifying and about to use her anyway. After thinking about it with a clear head she told you she didn’t want people knowing and she didn’t want to risk her job over this. She’s allowed to change her mind. Respect her decision and leave her alone. It’s really that simple.
So she changed her mind. She’s allowed to. Whether she suggested sex or not is irrelevant; anyone can change their mind and retract consent at any time, even during sex, let alone before. The fact that you cannot respect that fully, with no second thoughts or resentment, makes you an unsafe partner for her. Things don’t have to be awkward and they won’t be unless you make them, so all you need to do here is be professional at your workplace (ie the bare minimum), and stop thinking in terms of “I don’t get to sleep with her, what a waste” about your coworker (or any woman, really).
Clearly nerves or actually thought about the situation and realised how it could go wrong and damage things. It’ll only be awkward if you make it awkward. (And if you think her just refusing before you even do anything makes it awkward it just says she made the right choice, how awkward could things get having had sex and that messing up)
She will be hot and cold, she is obviously interested in you but you’re neglecting to take into account how much stress she is under. I know your emotions are being yanked a bit, that’s not cool but she is under a lot of stress and realises she likes you. Just play it cool and if it happens it happens, if not then it doesn’t. Don’t blame her though, she’s just looking to find herself in a world what has been cruel to her.
just play it cool and act natural. When she went over to ur place. She is probably stressed thinking and worrying about people at working finding out that u two are intimate.
U should have calmed her and tell her it is okay and you and her can kept it a secret/underground.
Just go talk to her like before as if nothing happens. Ask her to go wined and dined again and take her back to ur place after and let it naturally happen
I believe that was your chance she changed her mind at last minute. Be together later on with a colleague with such an instable personality is just a recipe for disaster. Don’t give her a second chance and keep distance. Good luck man!
I’m going to be harsh here but you need to hear this.
If you were looking for someone competent, someone with good impulse control who’s got leadership qualities and is reliable/dependable. Could you trust someone who does impulsive and risky things like sleeping with a co-worker? I wouldn’t trust you with any responsibility because that’s a liability and a sign of impulsiveness and someone prone to rash decision making.
You dodged a bullet. Yes it’s disappointing and you probably feel a little lead-on. As you said, she’s getting over a divorce and her feelings are probably up and down. But that doesn’t mean you should act the same.
If you’re going to pursue casual sex at least do the sensible thing and do it with a stranger.
Lesson learned.
>Normally, I would never try and form any sort of sexual relationship with a coworker, but something made me view this girl as an exception (all the guys in the office dream about
having a chance with her).
So it would have been an ego boost for you and your sexually harassing coworkers.
>We would talk all day about any and everything since we sat beside each other, to the point where others assumed there was something between us.
So, in other words, you had no boundaries with a married coworker that you were attracted to. Someone who was living through a traumatic experience. That poor woman probably thought you actually cared about her and her situation, too.
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>I respected that boundary
Uh, no, you didn’t.
>and distanced myself, to the point where I would end conversations and be jokingly mean to her at work.
So here she thinks she has a friend at work, and then you start acting cold and cruel to her with no explanation. Oh, but you were “joking,” so it’s okay. Your firm might want to rethink having middle-schoolers as interns.
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>and I didn’t even get to sleep with her. what a waste.
Thank you for confirming to all of us that you had no real interest in this woman, that she was a boost to your ego and a potential belt-notch for you.