Okay so i’m not here to complain about that or anything but i just wanted to ask you peoples what you were thinking of my situation / what would you do if you were me
So we have been dating for 3 years, i’m a 24yo dude and she’s 22. She always had very low self esteem and a lot of insecurities (basically she hate herself and thinks she’s bad at everything in life) i’ve been trying for a long time to help her about that but she seems to be impermeable about it from me / her family / her friends.
I’ve always been pretty self confident all my life and the thing is i’m into some really kinky shit. I’ve been practicing BDSM, Public/Libertine/Multiple people sex, Denial, (etc etc) with previous sexfriend/girlfriend
We’ve been communicating a lot since even before we got together so she knew i was into that and we got closer by being sexfriends first since she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship after breaking up with her 3yo relationship ex
At first, sex was great. She was slowly discovering BDSM with me and really enjoyed it. But then whe fall in love for eachother and from then sex between us started to be less and less pleasant for her, she didn’t wanted to do BDSM at first, then she stopped giving me blowjob and didn’t wanted me to give her head (even tho i really enjoy it) and i’ve been feeling she was less and less pleased and more anxious while doing vanilla sex.
So we talked about it and she told me it was easier for her to enjoy sex when she wasn’t in love since “she didn’t had to worry about what i was thinking about her while doing sex” and the big problem is that she don’t feel any lack of sex, she’s never turned on or something so she don’t really understand me when i tell her i miss that
I’ve tried to reassure her, to help her getting confident but i feel like anything i try to do about it have no effect on her .Lately she confessed to me that she was embarrassed when i was trying to turn her on.
I know she feel guilty for not being able to “fullfil my needs” because we even started considering the fact that she was maybe becoming asexual and she started crying because she is feared that she would have to force herself to have sex with me. On the other side, i feel guilty too for not being able to understand / help her
It’s been a year since we’ve done anything sexual and to be honest i’m absolutely not feeling to be like “NEEDING TO HAVE SEX OR I’M GONNA EXPLODE” but i masturbate quite a lot and always thinking about “not vanilla” things and sometimes i feel like i miss doing things like that and i fear i would regret it later if i would never be able to do it again.
I don’t really know what to do about it because everytime i think about a solution, something keeps me from considering that solution as being possible.
-Talk about that with her :
I’ve done that and idk if that’s because i don’t see things like her because we have very different POV about sex but nothing seems to work
-Go see a professionnal to talk about it
The thing is i already suggested that but she kinda don’t want to talk about her problem to someone (she is more of a “i put the problem asside until it disappear” person)
-Leave her / cheat on her
The thing is i really love her like she’s the best girl i’ve ever met and i really see myself building a familly with her, everything about her appart from sex is amazing.
And i don’t want to cheat on her, i’ve never done that to anyone and i don’t think i’l be able to look myself in the mirror if i ever do that
-Try libertinism
Well i woulnd’t mind but we already talked about it and she really would not be OK with it haha (Too much insecurities/Trust issue)
So what do you think about it ? What would you do if you were me ?
5 comments
You have to tell her that you cannot be in a sexless monogamous relationship, and you absolutely will not be okay with her having sex which neither of you will fully enjoy just to “keep you happy” because coercion=rape.
Maybe y’all will be better off as friends, maybe she will be open to the idea of being in an open relationship, she really has no right to be against that if she is not even slightly into having sex.
Either way you cannot continue.
Eh its been a year. Dump her
Just be straight up with her. As a girl, I wouldn’t expect you to stay in those types of conditions. Obviously, she has some serious issues that she needs to focus on and deal with, preferably with a professional.
My advice?
Take a break from your relationship. Tell her to sort out her problems or neither of you can continue this relationship. As someone with anxiety and depression, the girl has some serious ***SERIOUS*** anxiety and overthinking. I don’t think she’s asexual (she’s enjoyed sex but she is becoming so anxious that it is turning her off). YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Maybe consider doing couples therapy or even going to a sex therapist that way she doesn’t feel like she is alone in going to a professional. Either way, your relationship will crumble unless she shows some effort to get help.
She’s got some shit she needs to work through. She needs professional help. There’s nothing more you can do. She hasn’t even got to the point of wanting to help herself. You are way too young to be dealing with this. Sounds like you gave it an honest try. This is not your problem.
Trust me when I say…. you have not met “the one” yet. Sexual compatability is a real thing. Don’t do without. I have been fortunate in that I’ve had great sex in all my relationships and was extremely surprised to find my best sexual compatible partner at the age of 40. Let me tell you….. fuckin mind blowing!
It’s going to take a lot a therapy and probably a few failed relationships before she’s content with herself. She has to live herself before she can love you the way you deserve to be. I’d dip bro.
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