Should I [F29] explain to my co worker [M 40] what happened?/That I am still in love with him?

BACKGROUND: About 5 years ago, I was living at home with my parents and to say the atmosphere was constantly hostile is an understatement. I was incredibly unhappy and was looking for a means to leave the situation. Not long after, I met my ex boyfriend and I moved in with him after around 3 months of dating. My parents made it clear that if I chose him, I would no longer be allowed to return back home if the relationship deteriorated . I decided to take my chances and stay with my ex

3 YEARS AGO : As time went on, my ex became verbally abusive and manipulative. If I did not do something he asked such as having sex,it would cause an argument and he would threaten to throw me out knowing I had nowhere to go. I also caught him several times sexting other women. This was always on/off the whole time. Over time, I gradually grew closer to my co worker, I’ll call him Paul. He showed me a level of compassion that I have never experienced before and was willing to dedicate a lot of his time to listen to me. Things progressed to us hanging out after work regularly, and eventually it became clear we had feelings for one another. Me and Paul did kiss often, and were intimate on a few occasions, but we never had sex. I eventually left my ex and was too -ing and frow – ing between places to stay ( I would come into work early to shower/get ready/change ) but had no place of my own by this point. Paul would question why I hadn’t invited him to hang out at mine, but I didn’t want to ask for help and put my circumstances on him. My ex said I could live with him until I sorted my situation out, but things just lapsed back to how they were.

Unexpectedly, I found out I was pregnant by my ex (this was unplanned) and I did not process things well at all. I completely cut Paul off and ceased all communication with him. I did not tell him I was pregnant by my ex or offer an explanation. In the moment I could only think of how was I going to take care of myself and my unborn child whilst still living in the circumstances that I was. Due to the nature of how my child was conceived coupled with a few medical complications, I had a lot of time off work before the birth and only went in a month before to say goodbye to my colleagues. That was the first time Paul saw me – 8 months pregnant. He briefly saw me and my daughter when I brought her to work, but he didn’t acknowledge me. Looking back, he looked incredibly sad when he saw me holding her. I heard from colleagues that he also suffered with depression not too long after this.

NOW: I have since started therapy to deal with the above. Me and my child live in our own place away from my ex who no longer lives in the same country as us. Paul is now in a relationship ( I believe for about 9ish months ) of which I have known about for some time. For the duration of that relationship, he has barely communicated with me (He wont even ask for my help at work if im the only one available), but he will frequently unblock then block me on facebook. I think about Paul everyday and how I wish I could change things. He is never far from my thoughts. My therapist suggested writing a letter to explain how I feel, but the last thing I want is for him to be unhappy and/or suffer with depression as a result of my actions for a second time. I am not wanting Paul to end his relationship, I just want to give an explanation for my actions and apologise for the way I callously dismissed him.

I love Paul, and want nothing more than for him to be happy.

**TLDR: Lived with abusive ex as I was homeless,whilst being in love with a coworker. I didn’t explain my circumstance to my coworker and fell unexpectedly pregnant with my ex’s baby. Coworker thought I led him on and has never spoken to me since he saw me and my baby 3 years ago. He is in a relationship, I still love him. He blocks me and unblocks me on social media but doesn’t communicate with me at all. All of the above is affecting my mental health, my therapist said I should write him a letter. What should I do?**