I’m sure the wording sounds HORRIBLE lol but what I mean by that is my other half will repeatedly not listen or do the exact opposite of any “help” he is providing.
For example today I was at our storage unit which he has never been at. I also had his phone because he forgot it at home so he was calling from work. I was trying to explain to him how to get there which I thought would be super easy because it is right down the road from our old house. So I said “hey do you remember the stop light that we have right before the old house?” (we live on the far side of town so virtually every where we come from…we are always coming from the same direction and there is a stop light that is the last one in town where we have to turn right and then our house was a mile down on the right hand side).
My thought process was he would say yeah, i would say “great. Instead of taking a right…take a left and its a half mile down on the left” but instead every time I asked do you remember the light thing he would say yes but say it in a way that he was obviously confused which is baffling to me bc it isn’t that hard of a damn question!!!
After finally figuring that out he was asking what to help with and I had put a group of items in one pile..separate from the rest of the stuff and I asked him to move it over to the other unit. Two seconds later and he is in my way in the first unit. I walk out and all the stuff is still sitting there. I ask him if he can grab the stuff that needs to go to the other unit and he says “what stuff ?”. I explain AGAIN what needs to go over there (everything is seriously in a pile all together and separate from EVERYTHING else). I tell him it is the exact same stuff I literally just told you AND showed you by pointing to it five minutes ago. I take him to it again and show him again. He looks confused. Then he says “all of it”?? (There was literally 2 boxes, a snare drum in a case, 2 symbols and a stand). I’m like YES ALL of the things that I’ve asked you twice now to be moved indeed need to be moved.
This goes on repeatedly at the storage unit in various aspects (not getting the stuff that needs to go in the car etc.) In the meantime I’m hustling my ass and moving boxes left and right.
Then we get to a house we are renovating. Some of the boxes we grabbed earlier were going there for a rummage sale. He takes a couple small bags out and then is walking around aimlessly at the house. I ask him what he’s doing and he says “looking”. I remind him we have an entire car full to still unload and he says “oh…what do we need to grab (mind you I had already said earlier…twice…why we were loading it in the car and then bringing it to the house)
He asks where I want the stuff. I show him which room (I’ve of course already told him but for whatever reason like always he is asked again). I tell him it can go in that room or the basement but tell him whatever he puts in the first room has to be on the one side (physically point to the area and draw a box with my hands to that side) because I don’t want this (as I motion to the other side) blocked in.
I was trying to shove some food in my mouth while sitting in the car (he ate while I was grocery shopping) and he comes out and tells me to shut the door bc he has to go to the bathroom. Right now. (Other house in midst of renovations…no working toilet). As he is doing this he is freaking out, Im trying to get out of the car and he is trying to hand me my food and I’m like Just put the shit down! I only have so many hands and the ones I have already are full so I’m not sure what he wanted me to do.
I seriously feel like he makes ZERO effort to absorb ANYTHING I say because he expects me to be at his beck and call to regurgitate said info whenever he needs it (which obviously wouldn’t be a big deal if it wasn’t every single flipping time!!!!)
This shit is nearly every second of every day I’m with him. It is EXHAUSTING!!!!! How the FFF do I deal with this??? And yes I have suggested he is ADHD. I have scheduled dr appts. I have WENT to said dr appts with him because he wouldn’t even discuss the issues the appts were made for or forget what they said. I went with last time and specifically said he absolutely needs to be checked for this. The dr ended up prescribing antidepressants. He never picked them up because…he kept forgetting!!!! I can lead a horse to water but I can’t make them drink and this seriously is again me DRASTICALLY and making me LOATHE him.
4 comments
I have ADHD and most of these things happens to me on a daily basis I forget to do the tasks I’m supposed to do even though I was told what to do few minutes ago.
Our brain doesn’t function well most of the time. There’s like a lag or a delay when it comes to understanding things ( well for me )
So you got to be really patient with him, he may suffer from other illnesses.
This sounds exactly to a T like my partner before he was diagnosed and put on medication. We tried anti-depressants btw. They did not work. He is now on an SSRI and ADHD meds. Sounds like ADHD, and executive functioning disorder. The only way i got him to take it seriously and go get help and take care of himself was telling him that I refuse to stay with someone who refuses to help them self. Either meet me half way or walk away. It is too much pressure on you and is not fair to you. He either has to realize that or nothing will change.
so you wanted him to move the pile of stuff to the other side of unit 1?
Some people are just like that, and if you expect them to operate at the same organisation level as you, you will be disappointed. That being said, it shouldn’t be on you to do 90% of the work. He’s taking for granted that you are keep track of what needs to be done and reminding him at regular intervals.
You guys need to sit down when you’re both calm and figure out a plan to deal with these type of situations. Be as specific as possible. Absolutely look up resources for ADHD & autism. Even if he doesn’t have these, he can use techniques and tools that are commonly used by other people who struggle with the same things.
Examples:
1. Only give one instruction at a time. He can come to you for the next one after each task is completed.
2. Write a list that he can follow
3. Better yet, plan the tasks together in advance, and he writes his own list.
4. Phone reminders/notifications/calendar/alarms (that he sets HIMSELF)
5. Does he look at things “big picture” first or “details” first. And how do you look at things? Knowing how eachother’s brain and perception works, will help you both figure out how to communicate better with eachother.
6. Most importantly (as I’m sure you know), he really does need to follow up with a dr again and get help. It must be incredibly hard for him to function with those kind of memory issues etc. I wonder how he manages at work.
It’s time to have another talk with him when you’re both calm (not while frustrated after dealing with a situation like that). He obviously isn’t functioning well and it’s taking a toll on you and your relationship. He didn’t ask to have these issues, but it’s up to him to find ways to manage with them. Especially putting concrete systems in place to accommodate for his lapses (e.g. phone reminders, not a vague “I’ll try harder”)
If he doesn’t do anything to manage better and create long term improvement, then there’s not much else you can do. Like you said, you can lead a horse to water.