A little back story. I’ve known the girl (27f) I’m (27m) dating for about ten years. We lived together platonically on and off for a couple of years when we were both around 18, and she had feelings for me but I did not reciprocate those feelings. I only saw her as a friend.
Fast forward to today, and we have been dating for about two months now. Because we’ve known each other for a long time we’re well versed in each others’ strengths and weaknesses. One thing I know she struggles with is low self esteem. She doesn’t always take care of herself; poor hygiene, staying up until 2 or 3 am and sleeping until the early afternoon, poor diet consisting mainly of fast food and junk food, vapes, drinks a lot, doesn’t always take her medication because she doesn’t have the motivation to get refills, among other things. She also has a young child from a previous relationship who she devotes most of her time to taking good care of. She is a great mom but doesn’t apply the same standards to her own self care.
The past couple of weeks I’ve had this nagging feeling that we aren’t compatible as a couple. Right now we are dating long distance for two months as I work away, and for the most part things have been great – we talk every day, sharing our lives and our future plans. But she keeps telling me everything she struggles with will get better when I’m back where she lives. I worry she is putting too much faith in me to Bandaid her problems instead of facing them on her own and putting in the work to grow and be happy as an individual.
She sends me multiple messages while I’m working asking if everything is okay, and if something is wrong with me. Then there are the messages that say ‘just a reminder that you’re awesome and I love you!’ which is a nice sentiment but when I get that message five times a day every day it sort of becomes annoying instead of endearing. I can tell that those are sent out of worry that something is wrong rather than just because, and sometimes I don’t want to reply because I think it feeds the negative thoughts that compel her to seek constant reassurance.
I find myself wanting to spend less time talking to her because it gets frustrating when I can’t even yawn without her staring at me and asking what’s bothering me. If I play into the cries for comfort they come more often, and she relies on me to give her that boost of good feelings and reassurance instead of looking inward for happiness. I’ve tried to be open and honest with her about how I feel but she tends to take what I say and give it another meaning instead of taking my words at face value. For example if I tell her I’m tired and going to bed because I have work in the morning she sends me a paragraph late at night about how she is sorry she’s so selfish and keeps me up late to talk to her, which I don’t think is the case at all. I’m just going to bed at my normal time. In more serious conversations she automatically assumes I’m angry, and I never am, I’m not an angry person. I don’t feel comfortable expressing my emotions around her unless they are positive because she reasons that I’m upset about something she did when they could be entirely unrelated and have nothing to do with her. I could even wait a half second too long to say I love you and she panics. A simple facial expression sets off alarms and she stares at me wondering what has seemingly put me in a bad mood when it was probably just my resting face that she saw. I’m constantly having to smile because even a neutral facial expression prompts concern.
I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m trying to give the relationship a chance because she has always been such a good friend to me, but the feeling that maybe we aren’t meant to be a couple doesn’t go away no matter how I rationalize my feelings. I also really don’t want to hurt her considering she has had these feelings about me for over ten years and I know it would break her heart to know I’m not fully invested in the relationship.
I personally am very ambitious and work oriented, very active and eat healthy, I like to go to bed around 8pm and wake up around 6am, and I’ve never been super affectionate even towards the people I care about. I also am not overtly sexual but she talks about sex constantly. She wants me to leave my job so we can live nearby full time but I’ve been building a career for five years and don’t plan on quitting. Am I being too inconsiderate? How do you know if it’s time to end things or if it’s better to keep trying?
2 comments
You’re definitely not the problem. She is a whole bag of issues that has nothing to do with you. You really do need to leave. You two are incredibly incompatible. It’s going to hurt her, but it’ll hurt her more the longer you delay.
Here some things I suggest you do that can help you get the answer you need.
I suggest you both read the book “Attached.” She sounds like she might have anxious attachment (or just a very insecure attachment style). The book explains how these attachment styles manifest in relationships and what people can do. After learning about it, you can decide if you want to stay with her and work on this issue or not.
I also suggest you see a therapist. Therapy isn’t just for people with mental health problems. Most therapists can listen to your problems and help guide you toward a solution that works for you, whether that is breaking up or sticking it out. Find one that specializes in family and relationships.