My fiancé keeps giving me feedback about my people skills. I’m grateful for the constructive criticism but it’s gotten to the point where every time we leave a social situation he has something to say – and now I’m stepping back and over questioning all my interactions. He’s feedback sometimes is that I’m being a bitch, or clingy, sounding desperate, disregarding social norms.
Most of the situations I have a hard time understanding / seeing where I went wrong – which I see may be the sign of an even greater issue. How do I identify what to change and how to change it if I’m having a hard time seeing where I went wrong to begin with?
Does anyone have books or podcasts they feel like have especially helped them with self awareness?
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Maybe he’s right maybe he projects his own insecurities on you…
See what happens when he is not around and how other people react to your behave on one to one basis. Then compare it to how people perceive you while you are out with him. If both situations are same work on it by reading a few books and observing how socially ‘apt’ people are behaving and if you feel uncomfortable with your bf’s feedback, then him that while you appreciate the feedback, the frequency is too much at the moment so he should tone it down a li, you would like to navigate the situation on your own at the moment and would come to him for advice when required
It sounds like you’re being overloaded. Focus on one thing at a time otherwise you’ll find yourself in all clutched up. The goal is to be loose and relaxed so you can engage as events unfold. You can’t be loose and relaxed if you’re always worried about how you’re standing, what to do with your hands, how long to make eye contact, your tone, the topics you choose, etc.
If your fiancé really wants to help, tell him to ease off a little and help you with maybe one or two things at a time. Otherwise you’ll come to resent him for being a carping asshole and neither of you want that.
My fiancée isn’t as deft at conversation as I am so I help her along by directing conversation towards topics I know she’s knowledgeable and passionate about so she has a chance to shine. Or I run interference and pull attention away from her when she’s getting too uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I’m old fashioned. When my SO is in trouble I block when the danger gets too big.
I usually recommend watching Russel Brand interviews or Craig Ferguson videos. Because they are so skilled at banter. For self awareness, I’m an Alan Watts fan although he’s not everyone’s cup of tea. The only podcast I’m aware of is The Art of Charm. I think it caters more to men but that doesn’t mean you can’t get something out it.
One last thing. When you’re feeling a little intimidated by people, be mindful that they’re putting on a show which means they’re presenting their best but hiding their worst. So when a person you’re talking to starts going off on how great he or she is, figure that he or she must have a lot of weaknesses to hide to be putting on such a display.
So he could be giving you constructive criticism OR he could be gaslighting you…either way, pay attention to the people you talk to! Watch their faces (do they look bored, or cringe their face when you speak), observe their body language (are they turned away fromyou, do theh seem to look at their phone a lot or the floor, do they not make eye contact), do they give short responses or one word answers to you, what about their convos with you…does everyone get quiet when you speak and then change the subject after you have said something, do they roll their eyes, do they chuckles or get snarky when you talk?
All those are signs that people aren’t into or don’t enjoy talking with you…and that usually is because someone is awkward. If you don’t notice those things, then it is safe to say YOU are ok! And maybe your bf has some issues he isn’t dealing with…
If you have a close friend or coworker you could ASK (and trust their feedback) that could help too
You don’t try to change the person you love. Big red flag.