Hi all,
First time posting here, i’m sorry if I’m not describing this situation well. I’ve been in a relationship for about 6 months with my partner. When I met them, they recently came out of a relationship of 8 years and told me flat out that they were emotionally unavailable. The rest of our first date was fun, but I thought they were a bit of a disaster.
They started texting me often, sending voice messages (which I didn’t do) and complimenting me lots. They spent a lot of time with me, even making me pastries that go by my dietary restrictions. It was pretty magical.
I always told them (and still do) how much I appreciate them, how beautiful they are, and how special they are to me. They seemed to have a harder ad harder time telling me these things as time went on. Despite the fact that they put the label of “partners” on us first, and despite them saying “I love you” first.
As time went on, I found myself disappointed by them over and over again. Dropping the ball on communication when I would plainly tell them how I missed how we used to text. Scheduling hanging out with friends during our time together, and giving lip service when i’d be upset with them for doing something inconsiderate towards me. Despite all this, we spend a few days a week together and they’ll sporadically say how they want to go on roadtrips with me or take me places. It’s a mindfuck.
I’ve tried to break up with them once after a culmination of things i found disrespectful, and they begged for me to stay, asking for one last chance.
I do love them, and have the most fun with them when they’re around, but it’s been sucky and confusing when they aren’t physically there. I don’t know what more I can communicate to them about the things I would like and miss them doing for me.
I’m curious to know how you’d move forward in this situation, if it were you.
TLDR; I can’t tell if my partner is losing interest and if I should leave due to mixed signals, but begs me to stay when I have tried to go.
4 comments
>I’ve tried to break up with them once after a culmination of things i found disrespectful, and they begged for me to stay, asking for one last chance.
So what’s happened in the meantime? Has anything improved, or is it still just as stagnant as it was before you tried to break up?
It sounds like they’re happy with the state of affairs and don’t want to progress things any further, or make any changes, but at the same time, it’s just not enough for you. You don’t seem to be on the same page.
> Despite all this, we spend a few days a week together and they’ll sporadically say how they want to go on roadtrips with me or take me places. It’s a mindfuck.
People do exactly what they want to do. Every single time. They put their time, effort, and energy into those things that are important to them, and they put less (or none) into things that are less (or not) important.
When someone *says* one thing, but *does* another, it’s because they want the credit for it that the words (hopefully) get them, without having to do the actual *work* to follow through.
Your partner’s *words* are telling you what they want you to *think* about them and who they are, but their *actions* are showing you who they *really* are. Since those two things, the “who they want you to think they are” and “who their actions show themselves to be” are two different people, what you know is that one of the following is true:
1. Your partner has no intention of actually doing the things that they say they will, and are only saying they want to in order to keep you on the hook, or
2. Your partner actually *thinks* they are going to do those things, but has no followthrough, no commitment, no actual motivation to do them because they take too much actual effort when it comes down to it.
Which of those people would you rather be dating? The one who is actively intending to deceive *you*, or the one who is actively deceiving *themself* (and bringing you along for the ride)? Because you’re dating *one* of them, so you might as well hope for the best.
In what way does this relationship (as it is, not as it was, not as you wish it were, not as you hope it could become…as it is *right now, today*) making your life better?
You’re only six months in and the person you find yourself with is a self-described-emotionally-unavailable, love-bombing person who has already lost interest in you after only a few short months.
Look at the progression of the relationship: has it been getting *better* since the beginning, or trending toward *worse*?
Given that trend (and without justifying your decision with some miraculous change-for-the-better in your partner, because remember, your partner is behaving *exactly as they want to behave*), where do you think this relationship will take you in the next six months? Then next year? The next *five*?
Is that a place you *want* your life to go?
Your partner sounds like they enjoyed the challenge of getting you to fall in love with them, and now they are taking you for granted. When you try to leave they make promises they won’t actually keep. They sound manipulative and selfish.
If you already want to leave, do it. Stand firm, block numbers, socials, say no and keep saying it. Let all your friends know it’s over for good and to please not help them or encourage them to keep trying to win you back. Eventually the game will stop being fun to them and they will move on. Good luck!
Girl, you gave them their last chance, and they didn’t take it. They are not willing to make any effort, even after you 1) explain your needs 2) give them positive reinforcement.
Sounds like this person is all about themself (themselves?) and this is making you confused, upset and unfulfilled.
Is this what you want?
A good exercise is to stand back, imagine it’s your best friend telling you about all this. Think what you would say to them. Then remember, you *are* your own best friend.
Power to you whatever you decide.