I met him when we were 13 on the first day of school. I immediately formed an intense crush on him that would last an entire year. He definitely knew, sort of felt the same, and we dated extremely briefly in our freshman year of high school. He broke up with me but we remained friends who regularly interacted with each other and occasionally hung out. The issue is, my crush never went away. I spent all 4 years of high school silently pining over him and feeling the same way I always have. I knew of course he never loved me the same so I pretended my feelings didn’t exist. When we graduated, we went to prom together.
After we both went to different collages, my romantic feelings for him started to dissipate and my feelings morphed into something different but just as strong. I started loving him in an unconditional way instead of wanting him desperately. Randomly in 2020 we met up and he asked me to take his virginity. I was honored he trusted me enough to make that decision despite him being away at college for a year. We did, and went back to barely talking.
It physically hurts that we aren’t closer as friends. I couldn’t care less about sex or a relationship I just want him to love me as a person. I haven’t confessed because I’m afraid it will scare him and I simply cannot handle that.
I celebrated my 21st birthday in march, still love him incessantly, and I just can’t believe how someone can be completely indivisible from my heart. Sometimes when I’m sad I wear a hairpin he gifted me for Christmas when we were 14. I feel pathetic.
tl;dr- I’m in love with my friend of 8 years. We watched each other grow up and then apart. But I still love him incessantly and want him in my life as a friend. Should I confess?
5 comments
I would just try to spend more time with him first rather than just jumping straight into the confession.
Even if you do live apart can you try calling him? See if you can make it a regular thing?
I am pretty sure he knows how you feel… but I do think you need to move on and confessing will probably egg that along. You can’t spend half ur life pining for this person that may never love you back.
Jesus, yes, get it over with
don’t say love though
Why not just ask the dude on a date? You’re being slightly melodramatic here.
I hope you got coffee, because this is about to be a long post.
Hello number 5. You are the 5th person in about 25 years I’ve came across that tells this same story. Your story is my story as well, but I’ve been at it much longer than you. One of the people I’ve came across had been at it for over 30 years. I had many questions for them but she didn’t want to talk. I think she was still hurting, but I don’t know why.
You have 8 years, I have 25. I’m a man BTW, not that it much matters.
I want to talk about this in much more meta way. I’m not looking to offer whether you should or shouldn’t tell him, I want to focus on the experience of what’s going *within you*.
First and foremost, this very topic you’re dealing with is beyond most people’s pay grade, they have no experience in navigating these feelings or situations like this. You have no idea how many times I’ve been told “just get over her”, like it’s that simple. People look at me like I’m crazy, or obsessed or just…broken.
There is nothing wrong with me, or my feelings (though people have tried to invalidate them for ages at this point). There is nothing wrong with you as well. Even though you yourself believe there is.
*“And In another sort of sick confession..I don’t even know if I want to (or if I’m ready to) stop pining over him. It’s such a consistent thing for me and I cherish it almost.”*
I could have wrote that 20 years ago. I have much more time at this than you. Don’t call it sick. That’s not sick. Don’t demean your feelings.
My love for….er….my love has kept me safe, it’s been a refuge for me, like you, it’s been consistent. It’s a part of my life. It’s part of me, my personalty, and my journey. I love someone truly unconditionally. While they go about their life, while they don’t know. I do it openly, I do it in secret because most people don’t understand this love.
I hear about this saying liberals use to validate LGBT love, the quote “love is love”.
Well, LOVE IS LOVE. Even love like this, even when it’s not returned or desired. The feelings stand on their own, they are just, they are whole, they are as valid as any love between two people in a relationship. I use to be ashamed of loving like this. I’ve been at it way too long to give a fuck anymore.
Your story is a beautiful one. The part about the hairpin almost brings me to tears. I have no doubt your post goes way deeper and much more nuanced than what your post. Eight years is a long time to deal with these feelings.
Which brings me back to the beginning. I offer no advice on whether to tell him or not because I doubt he’d understand. Let me explain something very critical he may not be able to wrap his head around.
If you tell him you are in love with him, that’s a straightforward idea, he can understand that. The part he may not so easily understand is for 8 years, you’ve let this love become you, find refuge in it, carry it across your life. The love for him has became it’s own entity. You say yourself, it’s been a consistent presence, and you don’t want to let go of it. This is a much more personal space than just loving someone because it’s happen to *you alone*. Yes you love someone, but that love has been carried by YOU ALONE.
It’s easy to love someone when that love is being exchanged back and forth, and the others love is keeping you safe and returned. It’s another when you are doing it all alone.
He very well may not understand what’s happen within you. How those feelings are now sovereign, you didn’t need him, to love him. This to me, is love at the highest order, love that has no conditions, he comes and goes out of your life, but you still love him.
A love like this is uncommon and worth saying yes to. But I’m on the same side of the coin as you, I understand the nature of it and how powerful it is. The person I’m in love with didn’t give a fuck. The guy you love may not understand it as well.
And that’s the entire crux of the issue.
If you pour your heart out, you have to do it in a way that offers perfect understanding to his heart so he can TRULY KNOW THE GRAVITY OF HOW YOU FEEL (and what you’ve done for 8 years). That’s the key. But even then, there are still a lot of unknowns, where is he in his life, where is the maturity of his heart to understand what you are saying. Not everyone is ready for any message at any stage in their life. There are many ways for it to go wrong, and few to find perfect communication. It is possible, but it has to be at right time and in the right way.
But at the same time, we only live once. It’s always now or never. Consequences be damned, we could be dead tomorrow. There is only now.
I wish the best for you. You have a beautiful story. Don’t shame or demean the love you carry. It’s whole, valid, and worthy of being known to him (and spoken about in public).
Bonne Chance