Hello, wise people of Reddit, I need your help or honest advice.
Okay so me (24f) and my bf (24m) of nearly 5 years got into a pretty nasty fight last Thursday. It started when I tried to communicate about wanting to spend more quality time with him because he never initiates anything unless I ask him when are we seeing each other. I get it, he works long hours every day and I’m just a uni student, but we always made it work so that we could see each other once throughout the week and on the weekends. Anyway, the conversation got heated up quickly when he completely dismissed all my concerns, he basically gaslighted me over and over again. I felt unseen and unheard by his actions (or lack of) and got pretty mad, that’s when the “fun” starts. He blamed me for sitting all day long at home (I just finished my exams and wanted to take some time off before I get a summer part-time job) and he knows that this is a sensitive topic for me that we discussed several times before. He knows that my education is important for my future, and that’s why I chose to study this major so that I could get a better-paid job so that we would be financially stable in the future. So I got hurt by him saying this and basically using it against me in an argument so I snapped and told him to get himself a new girlfriend that isn’t a student like me and that earns more money and maybe he would finally be happy, including his dad (his dad asked me several times when I’m finally going to get a job, not in a nice way). My bf snapped right back at me and told me “F— you for speaking about my dad like that, bye” and hasn’t contacted me since. It has been 5 days now without any contact whatsoever. I know after these years that he’s not good at communicating, thanks to his dad who was and still is emotionally absent, but he can’t blame it on him forever. This silent treatment or stonewalling or whatever this is hasn’t happened for the first time. It actually happened bunch of times, only it lasted maximum for about 3 days. Except for one time, when we had a break, in that case, it took 6 weeks. I don’t know what to do, he knows how much this ignoring hurts our relationship and I really don’t want this relationship to end. But I don’t have the will to contact him now after what he’s said to me.
8 comments
Whats the reason you two are staying together? You do not seem to actually get along.
>But I don’t have the will to contact him now after what he’s said to me.
It sounds like you’re done. Just text “we’re over”
I literally was thinking ‘this guy sounds like a stonewaller’ and then I read the part where you said the same, and that this isn’t the first time he has done this. Yikes. This goes much deeper than this argument, there really needs to be a communication breakdown or this relationship is going to suffer even more. That pattern need to break or you are always going to be the one at fault in everything in his eyes. Stonewallers are great at never taking accountability. When and if you guys contact each other, really try to pay attention if he is putting this all on you or taking any accountability. In a healthy relationship with communication it should be us vs the problem, not us vs each other.
I think I would consider this relationship over. You fight because you want more time with him and after 5 years if you don’t get any he’s not too interested in giving you more.
He seems resentful because you were a student.
it seems he talked it over with his father so this is the reason the rude remark from him.
Don’t try to get in contact with him, the ball is in his court. If you want to have the last word text him you are over
Just start off with saying “I’m sorry”
Based on this and your comments, you better get yourself ready for this relationship to end
“he never initiates anything unless I ask him when are we seeing each other”
Never? Maybe he’s not that into you, but given the rest of this post, I have to wonder whether you’re giving him the chance to intitate by waiting before you jump in and take the initiative. If you’re sick of always being the one to get in touch to make plans, just stop and wait for him to do it; there’s a very simple solution to that problem that is entirely in your control.
“the conversation got heated up quickly when he completely dismissed all my concerns”
What were your concerns? How did he dismiss them? Why do people so frequently request advice and leave out all of the relevant information in favor of vague, biased generalities?
“he basically gaslighted me over and over again”
So: “gaslighting” is manipulating someone’s environment to cause them to question their own perception of reality and sanity, which is extremely difficult to do over the phone, let alone repeatedly. Again, without you giving the specific details of what he said, I can’t really tell what’s going on here.
“He blamed me for sitting all day long at home”
Blamed you in what sense? What was he blaming on your behavior of sitting all day at home? What was the context of that statement? Was it accurate?
You don’t have to work if you don’t need to and don’t want to; that’s really all up to you and shouldn’t have a significant impact on him. Is he supporting you financially in some way? I’m unclear on how your job sitiation is relevant to him (or his dad?!) unless that’s the case.
“I snapped and told him to get himself a new girlfriend that isn’t a student like me and that earns more money and maybe he would finally be happy, including his dad”
To be clear, I’m focusing on your actions here because that’s the only thing you can control and try to change, not becuse I don’t think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong. In healthy relationships, people view problems and conflicts as something to resolve collaboratively, not as one of you against the other, and him not talking to you at all is not a healthy response. You’re also not behaving well here; making hurtful comments intended to antagonize him is very much not helping. Don’t do that; while the silent treatment isn’t a good way to handle conflict, if trying to talk to you means he’s just going to face a lot of complaints (see the first bit I quoted), recriminations (see the second and third quotes), and passive-aggression (see the last quote), can you see why he might tend toward avoidance after you fight?
You say this has happened a bunch of times, and that makes me think you’re at the very least not compatible with each other, and maybe neither of you is healthy enough to have a healthy relationship with anyone. If you want to give one last try to working things out, you at minimum need couple’s counseling, and I’d strongly recommend individual counseling for each of you as well to work on how you respond to disappointment, stress, and conflict. As it stands, it sounds like this relationship is making you both unhappy, so something needs to change radically, or it needs to end.
> so I snapped and told him to get himself a new girlfriend that isn’t a student like me
I can see where he would interpret that as you breaking up with him. From how you describe your past arguments with silent treatments and a 6-week break, that might not be a bad outcome…