Throw away account. My boyfriend (32M) and I (28F) have been together for a little over a year. I am his first relationship since he left his ex of 5 years (This was 3 years ago). It was hard for him, he’s very deliberate in who he chooses to be with and that was a really long term relationship. He focused on him and his life after and knew he was dating for marriage and just didn’t date anyone he saw himself with. They were in contact here and there but always initiated by her and always her slyly pushing herself on him. It was long distance for a while (California and Michigan) and they had a cross country move that ended in the other moving back to California when there was a break up. It ended peacefully however. He is one of the kindest people ever, when boundaries need to be set he sets them, but if there is no need to be rude or unkind hes not going to do it.
Right before we met she texted him she was still in love with him. He did not reply. Weeks after we met she sent him a memory of the two of them and apologized for the text saying she didn’t want to lose contact. He told her they didn’t have to lose contact but it had to be strictly friendship as he is with someone he intends to date. She said she was “happy for him and understood”. About a month later she sent multiple ***emails*** containing ***paragraphs*** of her feelings for him. He let me see these things and told me about it so I’m not worried. Granted he emailed back, but my perception is that her emails to him were closure for him and it was really wrapping that portion of his life up. However, in *every single email* he mentioned he was with me and intended to stay with me (there were 3 from him and 5-6 from her)
She said so many completely unhinged things but I am going to skip over it and say what really say what bothers me. At first she ignored my existence and continued to profess her love for him. The worst was she told him that if he had doubts about me to fly to see her or she could come see him. She all but asked him to cheat on me right after saying she was “trying to be respectful of me”. When he told her that wasn’t happening she FLIPPED SHIT. She kicked and screamed and tried to manipulate him. He ended it and wished her the best.
I am working on it with my therapist but I feel like I’m processing it on a lag. This was almost a year ago and I am just now feeling extreme anger over the situation. I cannot believe another woman would try to get a man that we both love (love/loved for her) and know would never do something like this to cheat on me just so she could have him (I mean I can but its never happened to me and I am angry). I think I just need validation and the ability to vent to get over this which is why I’m posting it here. I want to let this go so she no longer has any space in our relationship but I’m so fricking angry. How would you handle this?
TL;DR: My boyfriend’s ex reached out to him months ago while we were dating. She tried to convince him to leave me and come cheat on me with her. How would you handle this? I am looking for the ability to be validated and to vent.
9 comments
I mean honestly I usually just chalk it up to “other people are crazy but myself and my partner are not” and focus on the good **current** things I have.
> She kicked and screamed and tried to manipulate him.
Via email?
I can send a curse her way if you like.
I wonder why you are so angry about this a full year later? If things are good between you and your guy / why dwell on this?
Your bf obviously didn’t take her up on her ask. She was disrespectful, but plenty of people talk to their exs and even try to get back with them, and you need to move past this. What does your therapist say? Because you clearly have some stuff to work through if this is still bothering you so much. Your bf should have blocked her and not responded to her from the beginning, but he eventually did so…
The world is full of immoral people. SO many immoral people. Oh! And selfish. Selfish people everywhere too.
Don’t think that this will stop, even if you get married. Some immoral co-worker or “friend” or teammate or whatever will hit on your partner (this goes both ways – for men and women).
The good news is that you don’t have to trust that the world is a good place or that people will do the right thing. You simply have to trust that ONE person will do the right thing – and that person is your BF. If your BF has a strong moral compass and is dedicated and committed, women can throw themselves naked at your partner and nothing will happen.
The other good news is that your partner showed he is trustworthy. He did the right thing. He probably let it go on a little longer than he should have… maybe there was some unresolved feelings/a need for closure there… but he did the right thing, so that should give you comfort.
I feel you though. I was always raised to “do the right thing”, so it often shakes me to the core a bit and catches me off-guard when others don’t play by the same rules… but such is life.
Then don’t worry about the crazy lady.
It seems like OPs BF has been honest as can be which is the important thing. Be happy with that
It sounds like it’s been handled?
It’s ok to feel angry at being disrespected, but your bf handled it wellish and honestly I don’t get still being mad unless you’re feeling insecure about her or about the two of them.
Her actions, disrespectful as they were, likely had nothing to do with you and everything to do with still being in love / obsessed with him. You don’t know her and she doesn’t know you – you didn’t care about her heartbreak and she didn’t care about your relationship. She’s obviously in the wrong, but not giving a fuck about you is not the same as being out to get you.
At this point let this just be a fun story that you can laugh about with friends. If you really can’t shake it from your brain then I would assess whether you’re maybe fixating on this because you’re avoiding being angry over something a bit more real / threatening to your relationship.
I think drama like this only impacts you if you allow it to and that’s what you’re doing.
Either your bf blocks her and you don’t worry about it anymore or you allow this to happen.
This was a year ago and had no bearing on your current relationship. I think you’ll be your own worst enemy if you continue to dwell on this.