TW! drugged/roofied?, abusive situation
Before the beginning of last summer I had found out that my bf had done some horrible things behind my back. I can’t disclose what had happened but it was basically something that was ongoing throughout a long period of our relationship and he was aware that he was crossing my boundaries. We decided to work on things and just after I found out about that situation, I found out that he did something worse before we started dating that would be considered a crime in our country. I was horrified but he convinced me not to break up with him and because I was still in love with him I chose to stay instead of taking a break (which in retrospect was a bad decision,I know.)
A few weeks later we went on vacation with friends but I wasn’t over those two situations and we were still working on things, my trust was completely broken and honestly at that point I wasn’t sure he was the person I thought he was so I was very suspicious of him 24/7. We had fought a lot that week (nothing physical, just arguing) but nothing major happened. Towards the end of the vacation we decided to go to a club as a group. The club is located at the beach and is huge so it’s easy to get lost while drunk especially considering how crowded it is (this will be important later). That night we both drank a lot but he was definitely drunker than I was, in fact I was doing pretty okay. He went to the club bathroom and said he would be back. After about 30-ish minutes he still wasn’t back and I got worried so I went to look for him with my drink in my hand. On my way to the bathroom a man pulled me by my waist and started talking to me which I at first didn’t realize as it was too crowded. When I realized that he was basically holding me, I pushed him away and tried to get away from him. He followed me a little but it was too crowded so I lost him quickly. I wandered around and looked for my bf everywhere but couldn’t find him so I just sat down by the beach and finished my drink. I headed back to our stand and I don’t remember much after that. I woke up at the hospital with blood all over my body and saw my bf terrified. Apparently someone had spiced my drink and I blacked out and later started puking blood. I was rushed to the hospital and the blood was so severe that they thought I was attacked at first.
Now this is important to know because apparently when I blacked out I disappeared and kept looking for my bf who couldn’t find his way back to us for genuinely about 50 mins-1hr. I don’t remember anything but from what my bf has told me, I apparently found him and started pushing him and saying that he cheated on me at the club that night. I then slapped him and the club staff kicked us out. After that he ordered us a taxi and told me I started puking blood not long after. I was mortified when I found out what had happened and couldn’t leave the hotel room until the end of our stay. I apologized to him profusely and told him it was okay if he wanted to break up with me. He told me he didn’t and that was that. This incident was a wake up call for me and I started going to therapy and solved some of my other issues, meanwhile we worked on our relationship and I never did something like that again. We still had some random arguments here and there but it never lead to anything abusive/toxic.
Now it has been a year since that happened and my bf admitted to me that he was having bad dreams about that night for a while and that it was affecting his feelings for me. I asked why he didn’t tell me that before and he said he thought they would go away on their own but they didn’t. Because it had already been a year and I hadn’t done something like that again the only thing I could do was to show how regretful I was and apologize again and again for what I did. I told him he could think about our relationship and that I would give him space until he decides to either break up or fix things. He suddenly changed and started acting really distant which I understood and just waited for his response. He told me about a week ago that he didn’t want to break up and I told him I would do whatever he wants from me, even suggested therapy (which he was apprehensive about). Now my issue is that whenever he has these nightmares he acts very mean and distant, and today told me that each nightmare makes it harder for him to go back to normal. I again asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn’t want to break up.
I don’t know what to do, he sees these dreams randomly and my reassurance has helped a bit, yet it isn’t enough to solve the issue. What can I do to help him? I am really desperate as I can’t undo the disgusting thing that I did that night but I am sure I will never ever do anything like that again otherwise I would have broken up with him myself as I love him too much to ever do something like that again. Any advice is appreciated.
TL;DR: I was drugged and attacked my bf because I imagined(?) he cheated on me at the club after him breaking my trust and now a year later he started having nightmares about it.
13 comments
… he did some kind of cheating on you and some kind of CRIME and is upset that when you were drugged that you accused him of cheating. And now uses that a reason to be cold and mean to you.
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Break up with him. He doesn’t need to agree. Breaking up is a one person choice.
He needs to get therapy to heal from the trauma. If he doesn’t, then you two probably will not be able to be happy together. He’s suffering from nightmares, which is a common trauma response, and he’s being mean to you and destroying the relationship, which is not okay either. You already did what you could to fix this. Now it’s his choice whether he wants to fix this and get therapy or he wants to break up.
You were drugged and not in your right mind. What is his excuse for what was his apparently criminal behavior? The fact that he is holding this over your head to this day, and seemingly still has not explained where he was, coupled with the previous violations of trust and criminal behavior, make it pretty apparent that this guy is seriously bad news.
I could have stopped reading after the first long paragraph. Like seriously! Come on. Throw this trash in the garbage where he belongs.
Bro, idk, I think he’s milking this. I think he felt guilty and bad and now he’s blaming you. He has bad dreams because he feels shitty and he’s blaming you. And your repated apologizing is just fueling it because now he’s saying to himself that you apologizing is admitting you’re wrong and he’s a victim.
He lied to you. He manipulated you. He coerced you into staying.
Real talk, he probably resents your responses of “I understand if you want space or to leave” because he wants begging and groveling. Don’t do it. And he’s also probably just doing it to punish you for making him feel bad
You went to therapy. Time for trash boy to go to therapy. Stop being his mommy and therapist. Like “I feel bad because he violated my extremely clear boundaries and then I hurt his little feelings” he needs to get over it. Should you have attacked him? No. But like come on you were drugged. He wasn’t drugged for the years he lied to your face.
“Hey, I don’t appreciate how you treat Mr after these dreams. I think you should go to therapy or we can get couples therapy “
>I am really desperate as I can’t undo the disgusting thing that I did that night
You were drugged and not responsible for your actions. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. Frankly though, it sounds like you should ditch him. Some of the things you’re alluding to in your post sound extremely not good.
Just reading your post, my immediate thought was that he is manipulating your guilt over the situation to punish you or get something from you. Reading your responses just solidifies everything. He is reaaaaallly trying to get you worked up and it’s working. He wasn’t a good person BEFORE all this went down (a crime, breaking your boundaries KNOWINGLY!!!!) and I’m pretty convinced he’s still full of shit. A part of me wonders if HE’S the reason you were puking blood? Maybe that’s a reach but I wonder.
DO NOT beg and plead and grovel for actions you took WHILE DRUGGED OUT OF YOUR MIND SO BADLY YOU WERE PUKING BLOOD. You were NOT responsible for your actions and he is enjoying flogging you with the guilt you’re feeling over them. This guy is making me sick. HE is the one that has historically behaved very badly in this relationship. He’s ALWAYS been trying to make up for his actions. Now he’s latched on to this time when you behaved badly (by being fucking DRUGGED) and he is REALLY enjoying this new dynamic of having the upper hand, you wondering if he’s going to stay with you, leaving you dancing on the end of a string — saying he still wants to stay with you but pulling sad/distant “i had the dream again” shit to keep you right on the edge of the knife. This man is MANIPULATING YOU.
Please duuuuuuummmmmmp him. Please please please please. This dude likes seeing you guilt ridden and is stringing it all along. It’ll hurt but I bet after a year you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him!!!
If he pulls this again, “I just don’t know if I can get over this” CALL HIS FUCKING BLUFF.
“I understand. I don’t think this is going to work out myself. Let’s take this week to gather our stuff from each others places and call it done. We had an OK run.”
I just wish I could be there to see his surprised pikachu face.
Please leave this shit man. Please. You deserve someone that WON’T make you jump through these hoops.
edited to add:
>For example, today we were supposed to see each other for the second time since the talk so I was excited and got all dressed up to surprise him by taking him to a place he wanted to go to, he seemed fine in the morning but then kind of slipped and canceled the date because he had seen the dream again and got very angry at me.
This sounds like he’s cheating and needs an excuse to get rid of you for his other plans.
Wait, you were *drugged*, probably by someone who intended to assault you, and your boyfriend can’t forgive you for slapping him? Seriously?
Your BF sounds like a piece of shit
OP, he’s using this to gain the power in your relationship, so that you are the one on edge, the one apologizing, the one that’s guilty and promising to do everything he wants. He doesn’t want to move past this, he likes having this hold on you. It’s not about healing or trauma, it’s about power and control.
That is not something you fix, that is something you RUN from. The people that do this shit in relationships are toxic, emotionally abusive garbage.
I feel like the most traumatic part of that evening should have been his girlfriend tripping balls because she got roofied with God knows what by God knows who and then had to go to the hospital with internal bleeding.
It’s entirely possible that he has unaddressed PTSD from the experience of watching you be suddenly terrifyingly ill or possibly attacked and puking blood and rushed to the hospital. It wouldn’t be at all surprising if he did, or if the anniversary of that experience is bringing it back up for him. But here’s the thing: if he does, it’s his job to *deal with that*. That means *he* goes to therapy, maybe takes meds, and finds ways to deal with his own trauma without taking it out on you, the person who was even more traumatized that night. Maybe eventually you do couples therapy but he needs to get his own issue under better control first. You can’t be his support system for this.
I don’t know why all these comments are hating on your BF so much, it’s understandable why that would be traumatic for him, has he ever tried to get therapy or anything like that?