My boyfriend of almost 4 years got angry last night and grabbed me 3 separate times.
We were experiencing a power cut at home and have reptiles that needed heat urgently so were both already stressed – He got angry at me because I was telling him that it would be wrong to knock a neighbour at 11pm for help as they work early – he ran towards me and pulled my hair, put his hand over my mouth and shouted in my ear. I have PTSD from witnessing domestic abuse growing up and in turn had a full panic attack because he scared me so much. This annoyed him so he followed me around the house swearing at me and calling me names before grabbing me again in the kitchen and shouting in my face until I fell to the floor.
The final time was the worst, he told me to stop crying at him and I didn’t/ couldn’t so he pushed my head against the wall and covered my mouth again with his hand but this time he dug his nails into my cheek – I have woken up this morning with cuts and dry blood from where it cut me.
I feel completely traumatised and I can’t even look at him. I can’t tell anyone around me because they will tell me to leave him or escalate it further and I am so in love with him that that would ruin me.
I’m crying at work and can’t concentrate but if I go home he will be there.
I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this.
TLDR; my boyfriend grabbed me and hurt me last night during an argument and I don’t know how to move forward with him.
37 comments
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You get support and go to the police about this. Contact a domestic abuse line or website. You can’t go back to someone like that. Do you have a safe place to go, family or friends?
Jesus, GTFO there.
Do not wait until tomorrow; do not tell him where you’re going. Just grab a hoodie and your keys and phone and charger, and leave. Stay somewhere else tonight, and tomorrow you can come back with several friends to stand by while you pack your stuff and get it out of there.
Do not fuck around with domestic abuse. It only gets worse, never better, and you know that. So do what needs to be done, and go
Everyone here will tell you the same thing the people around you would say…leave.
His behavior is inexcusable and he should be arrested. Please let and get to a safe place with friends or family. You staying with him will just tell him his behavior is okay and he’ll do it again.
Leaving him will not ruin you. Staying will.
I understand that you are in love OP but you are not safe, you need to get out. That behavior is not the behavior of a kind and gentle person that loves you. It will only be worse next time. Please be safe.
Leaving will not ruin you.
Feelings fade, and you need to cut the trauma bond.
This guy will end up severely injuring you.
Get to the ER. Have them document your injurirs, however slight. The nurses will have resources for you about local shelters and can help contact the police as well.
Please, please don’t think it’ll be worse to leave than to stay. Leaving is scary, because you’re familiar with the abuse. I promise you, once you disentangle yourself from all the complicated feelings, you’ll be far better off.
Please don’t stay with him.
You don’t move forward with him. You need to leave. The reason you can’t tell people close to you is because you’re think they will tell you to do what you need to.. which is leave. There’s nothing shameful about what happened to you. There is shame is staying but not in leaving – trust me on this one.
Please leave. Love you hard girl
Oh sweetie. If he had just grabbed you one time, I would say talk to him and work it out. But he didn’t. After seeing how upset you were, he escalated. You KNOW this doesn’t get better.
The person you love is a myth, he’s no longer that guy. You love the person he was before he laid a hand on you. You need to tell someone. This isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t be ashamed that it happened to you. That shame and fear is what abusers feed on. You’ll go home, he’ll be apologetic, he will make promises and profess his love. Then the next time he gets angry, it will be even harder to tell someone. It will be more difficult to leave. You will blame yourself for not leaving or telling someone after the first time. That shame and fear will build and you will feel even more trapped.
The only way to kill domestic violence is to throw it into the light. Tell your family, tell friends, file a police report (your face is pretty good evidence of assault). Leaving him won’t ruin you, staying will.
There’s basically two options: accept this or leave him.
If you accept this treatment, it’ll get worse. Guaranteed.
If you leave him, you won’t get treated that way.
Take photos of your bruises
The love you feel for abusers is how they get you. I will be very blunt : this won’t end well. People like that don’t know how to stop. I won’t say the words but you know how many victims of domestic abuse there are. There are ressources to help you. Please for your own sake do it
Please leave him. As soon as possible. You don’t need to hear him out/give him a chance to explain – he doesn’t deserve it. I promise you will be better off.
The biggest thing here is that he put his hands on you. But he also became irate over you having a panic attack. Both are so not okay. You can and will find someone who will treat you right.
Dont wanna leave him then enjoy being abused an dead, or inflicting on your future kid exactly what gave you ptsd. Hes not gonna get better this is pure an utter physical an psychological abuse. You need to leave. Bet your using the same excuse as those who caused your trauma. Time to break the cycle or start picking out your grave spot your choice.
No one here is going to give you any different advise than your friends and family. You leave yesterday. It will happen again
Whatever choice you make.. take pictures of your face and other injuries. If you are not ready to seek help right now, which I recommend, the pictures can help you later on in proving things.
Life will be better for you some day ❤
The only choices you have is to leave or replay the abuse from childhood over and over for the rest of your life that will be cut short by the abuse. The problem is you falsely think there is a third option that he will stop and give you the love you want. That will not happen, it is a false fantasy. You can heed these words now or remember then later after years of abuse. Also know that loving him and leaving are not exclusive. You can love someone and still realize they aren’t good for your life.
I know it can be scary to leave but it is time to leave. This is dangerous, he is dangerous. You need to leave. Please don’t go home. Stay with a friend.
You have only one choice: leave him now and block him everywhere. Stop all contact. You should’ve filed a police report because next time – if you don’t leave – it might get worse.
If you think there are some magic words that will make him not abusive, there aren’t. He will do this again or worse, probably worse. That’s the only advice anyone here can give you.
>I feel completely traumatised and I can’t even look at him. I can’t tell anyone around me because they will tell me to leave him or escalate it further and I am so in love with him that that would ruin me. I’m crying at work and can’t concentrate but if I go home he will be there. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this
This is your body and brains way of telling you what you already know. The relationship is over. It died the second he laid a hand on you. It’s time to end it and leave.
>so were both already stressed
Maybe so but your body isn’t a stress ball.
>He got angry at me because I was telling him that it would be wrong to knock a neighbour at 11pm for help as they work early
You didn’t do anything wrong. Google would have been more helpful than your neighbor. Or one of you running to the store to get those little hand warmers. Or keeping the reptiles close to your body heat.
His option wasn’t the only option and you did nothing wrong.
But now you need to leave or he WILL do it again. Take this from someone with a history of DV. He WILL do it again no matter what he promises or says. When his back was against the wall he turned on you, the person who is supposed to be in this with him. It’s like him purposely tripping you while you both run from zombies.
It’s time to leave my friend. You did nothing wrong. I know it hurts your heart in so many ways. But it’s time to go anywhere else.
Leaving him will ruin you??? Really-so what happens when next time he looses his sh*t and beats you within an inch of your life?? Or when he breaks your jaw? Or chokes you to death??? THAT will ruin you-leaving him won’t!!! You said you have ptsd from just witnessing dv- imagine the mental impact of actually living it! STOP BEING STUPID-GET OUT!!!
It makes me sad how many times I tell my story on posts like this because I fully understand. Look, you need to tell everyone. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of, he does and you owe him NOTHING. I spent 8 years, my 20s in this situation. It started with being pushed and grabbed. Once my wrist was sprained. Turned to slapping. Then full on punches to the face. My nose has been broken 9 times, I’ve had multiple concussions, a dislocated elbow and have been choked to unconsciousness. It ALWAYS escalates but you know that. You said it. The first step is to tell so that they can help you. You NEED HELP OP. I know it’s hard and scary and you love them, but do not waste your life like this. Even if he promises to never do it again and shows regret, he will and he doesn’t. These first times are a test of what you will tolerate. And as time goes by you tolerate more and more because it becomes your normal. My last straw, wasn’t even about me. My son came into our room crying, being him to stop hurting his mom. That was it, I could not let my children see me accept this and think it’s normal or ok to treat anyone like this or to accept this as treatment. Please, it will not get better, it WILL get worse and your life is literally in danger. Feel free to msg if you need to talk. I’ve been there.
Edit a word
You’re not going to like this, u/Throwawa7373746373, but you are not safe around him. He physically assaulted you, emotionally abused you, and you have no reason to believe that he won’t do it again.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”, Maya Angelou.
I’m sure that you love him, but he doesn’t deserve it. Someone that loves you wouldn’t do those things to you. Someone that deserved your attention, care and support would return them to you – not subject you to the exact thing that you saw as a child, and that traumatized you so much.
Please understand – you did NOTHING WRONG. You didn’t “make him mad” – and you didn’t “make him hurt you”. He chose to do that. He chose to lash out at you because he was frustrated. He chose to emotionally abuse you because your (normal and understandable) reaction to abuse was annoying to him. **It is not on you to fix anything**. He is in the wrong, and if he doesn’t proactively understand that, and come to you with acknowledgement, acceptance, and a plan to fix this, then he’s never going to change. Any attempt to justify this is saying that his right to abuse you is more important than your right to not be abused.
Breaking up with an abusive man won’t kill you – but staying with one might. It will hurt to be away from him – for a while. It will feel wrong – but that will fade. And as you spend time away from him, you will start to see how wrong this relationship would be for you stay.
Please contact a local Domestic Violence support line, and talk to someone there. You don’t deserve to spend your days afraid of this kind of thing happening again. You don’t deserve to have to walk on eggshells in your own relationship, in your own home, for fear of emotional, or physical abuse. You don’t deserve to be treated as “less than” by anyone. I hope, https://old.reddit.com/user/Throwawa7373746373, that you find a relationship where you are respected, supported, cherished, and loved like you deserve.
Someone who loves you wouldn’t physically harm you like that. He doesn’t love you.
‘i am so in love with him it will ruin me’
I’m a DV survivor. I had this exact same thought when I was in a dangerous relationship. But this feeling was not true at all. I was TERRIFIED of leaving and I only realised that once I left and got therapy.
He is dangerous and you need to try and find a way out asap. This relationship will only get worse over time. I am so so sorry you’re going through this. You’re so much stronger than you think and you deserve to be treated like a human being
Find the person (or people) you care about and trust most in the world, whether a relative or friend, and ask if you can stay with them for the time being.
You don’t have to explain the full details. Just tell them you’re very upset and you’re looking for some support (and that your boyfriend can’t provide it right now). Stay with them, and do whatever you can to take your mind away from the trauma. Watch movies, eat ice cream, take a shower and cool down.
Right now the reason you don’t want to leave is not because of “love”. It’s because of codependency and trauma bonding. You’re afraid to be with him and you’re afraid to be without him. The answer to this is not to stay and endure the fear and punishment, it’s to seek comfort with others that you can actually trust to care about you and not hurt you.
If nothing else, go to a domestic violence shelter. You will be supported there. What you need is to be away from him while at the same time not alone. There are people out there in situations just like you, and there are people out there who are willing to care about you.
He is not the universe. He is not your reason to live. You are your own reason to live. You and everything you love and everyone you care about. You can live without him. Right now he is your coping mechanism, but he is an unhealthy one. You can get through this, and once you’re on the other side, you will realise you never needed him.
This can only get worse because you tolerated it so far, leave now please.
How horrifying is it that his response to crying is rage?!?!
That’s the opposite of being human. He’s hiding who he really is. You love who you *think* he is, but, believe me, his efforts to disguise his true nature will eventually wear him out and these bouts of rage WILL become more frequent. Please go. This isn’t one of those lessons you need to learn the hard way. Just pay attention to his life after you go and you’ll see what your future would have been. It’s going to be ugly and hateful.
There is absolutely **nothing** to be gained by staying. You’d end up with CPTSD (like me) and lose years of your life because it will take you YEEEEARS to fix the damage he will do to you. YEARS! Don’t do this. Run. Show no fear. Show no remorse. Show no doubt. GTFO!!!
No offence OP but give your head a fucking wobble, ruin you? Absolutely not do not stay in this persons presence for one second longer
There are only two options for you
1. Stay and wait for him to do it again, wondering constantly when the moment will be and if it will be worse
2. Leave him and rebuild
I have a dear friend who stayed with her partner ahen he did stuff like this. He escalates to the point where he choked her and threw her to the ground. He did it multiple times. She already had PTSD but now it is a lot worse.
Abusive men pick vulnerable partners. Please please take care of yourself and leave before he escalates.
GET OUT! I told myself the same thing for 15 months, left him 4 times. Guy had me 10k in debt, wouldn’t allow me to work any jobs in my field because he wanted me to be a waitress working under the table. Raped, sodomized me. Almost killed my cat so I had to give her up for adoption to save her life, and then I had to hide in a motel until I could get an apartment. I only got out because he had undiagnosed type 1 diabetes and almost died.
You don’t love him, at all. You are terrified of him, this isn’t normal. Ask yourself if you could watch your daughter go through that. The answer is no, get out, I had nothing, I lost everything but it’s just stuff.
Get out.
How long will you love him? Until he kills you? You need to report this to the police and get help. There are so many resources out there that will help you to deal with this including therapy (which I believe you need from what you’ve written). Please save yourself and get away before he kills you.
LEAVE. HIM.
If you stay, you could get killed. Don’t be stupid. Leave the abusive piece of shit.
>I can’t tell anyone around me because they will tell me to leave him or escalate it further and I am so in love with him that that would ruin me.
What would you tell your best friend to do if she told you this story?
You’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Even when he saw how upset you were, he still wouldn’t stop abusing you. He hurt you even more. This is not what love is. This is not what respect is.
Please love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than this. I know you grew up watching this kind of abuse, and part of you may think that it’s kinda normal in a relationship, but it absolutely isn’t. People who love you do not hurt you and make you bleed. People who love you do not scream in your face, and put their hands on you to make you shut up.
In times of stress, people tend to show who they really are. Instead of figuring out a solution, and brainstorming what to do, he got angry. This is what you can expect from him through the many stressful and vulnerable moments that life throws your way. He will not support you, he will not be your rock. He will flip out, yell and scream at you, hurt you physically and emotionally. This is unacceptable from a partner. You should feel safe and loved with him, not terrified and having a panic attack on the floor where he then smashes your head into a wall.
He is traumatizing you all over again, and he’s doing it on purpose. Please know that you deserve better than what you are currently accepting for yourself.
It seems like you’re looking for someone to tell you how to get him to never do that again, and how to make it work, how to be safe and okay and get to keep your relationship with the person you love. Perhaps you think that everybody telling you to leave just doesn’t understand the deeper relationship you have with him.
There is nobody who is going to be able to tell you how to make it okay because this episode will never be okay. And we do understand the deeper relationship you have with him. Abused women usually have a similar experience to that. He has to be a great partner between episodes so you can be convinced he can be different.
What happened last night is the beginning. Your boyfriend is going to start physically abusing you now. In between the abuse, he will be his old self, maybe even more amazing, which will confuse you and make you question whether he is really abusive.
Eventually it will be those loved ones you don’t want to tell who will help you leave. You will need them, they are your life line.
Men who physically abuse women sometimes kill them. Please reconsider your stance on leaving.