Husband won’t stop just touching me inappropriately

14 comments

1. So he feels his choice is to flick your nipples and slap your ass or touch your nose? How do you get shit done if all you have are boobs, an ass, and a nose? He claims he doesn’t touch your nose because you don’t like it, but he’s going to keep nipple flicking and ass slapping even though he knows you don’t like it? That’s bullshit. He wants to do this for however it makes him feel and he feels entitled to continue to do it regardless of how you feel. That’s incredibly immature and disrespectful and would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. If you want this to stop, you’re going to have to start laying down some firm boundaries and following through with consequences when he violates them. Tell him ‘no’ loudly and firmly every time. Stop putting up with it. This is a him problem, not a you problem.

   The last time something like this was posted, some of the comments were horrible towards the person having their boundaries violated. IDGAF if you’re married and have a child together; no one should be touching you in ways that you don’t like. Saying “No” once should be enough and his justification doesn’t matter. There is no ‘other side’ of the story when someone is violating your physical boundaries.

2. It’s very common to feel “touched out” when you have a baby. You enjoy the baby snuggles and constant clinging, but then the husband becomes annoying af. I think you guys should have a calm conversation one evening over a glass of wine and discuss what kind of touch you’d welcome and which you don’t. He feels like you don’t even want him touching your nose, so maybe you truly are “touched out” and that’s ok. Tell him that. Tell him you’re adjusting to being a mom and feel like you’re always being touched and it’s just the period of time you’re in right now. Offer him ways to connect with you that can include touch (may be his love language.) Good luck!

3. My partner used to do this when my daughter was young and it drove me insane. I sat him down and talked about it explaining the overstimulation I was feeling.

   When he continued to do it, I started making a scene every single time. Especially if he did it in public. hed get embarrassed. I told him if he wasn’t going to respect my boundaries he couldn’t touch me at all. Did it cause drama in our relationship? hell yes. did he throw a temper tantrum and then give me the silent treatment? for sure. But I held my boundaries and after a few weeks he respected them. Does he still randomly grab and touch me occasionally? yes but if I tell him I don’t like it he apologizes now and leave me alone when I ask.

   no idea if this will work for you but I hope It helps.

4. He doesn’t respect that you have bodily autonomy. He’s treating you like a thing and not like a living, breathing person with thoughts and feelings.

   God, my ex used to do crap like that. Creeped me out. It was like he so wanted to prove that he had ownership of my body or something. Gross. I’m sad you’re going through that.

5. Start flicking his penis and ramming a finger up his crack and see what he says. Maybe it’s what he needs to realize he doesn’t have free claim to your body.

6. I know you said you’ve told him. Without knowing the details of your pervious talks, I’d like to suggest a specific way of talking about it.

   When he does this, immediately say to him something like, “You know what would I would have like more just now, if you had put your arms around me, kissed my neck and said ‘I love you.'” Do this every time. ***I know you shouldn’t have to***, but apparently he needs to be taught to show his affection in a other ways.

   I’d also recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski together. I think reading that together could help him understand the importance of balancing his shows of affection better. It should also help both of you communicate about sex & intimacy better, which is always a plus.

   EDIT TO ADD: Part of the problem is that sometimes you do want to be touched that way. If it never happened that would be kind of lame too, right? Physical intimacy of all kinds is a nuanced thing and that’s why simply saying “NO” isn’t a good approach, even though you’re absolutely right. He needs to figure out the nuance and the balance. Part of that is understanding how you feel and respecting it, but also how having a young child has changed things. That’s why I recommend the book.

   EDIT #2: So many comments are encouraging tit for tat or lashing out. I know the guy is wrong, but unless she want’s to make the relationship rockier, a more gentle approach that assumes the best of her husband is the best approach. If that doesn’t work, then sure go ahead and yell each time he does it or start grabbing his crotch randomly. But are we trying to score internet points or smooth out an issue in a marriage?

7. Idk my husband is always grabbing on me and pinching my nipples or smacking my ass. But, he does hold me as well and we kiss all the time. If you’ve talked to your husband about it and you need him to back off then maybe you should start giving him wet willies and sticking your finger down his throat every time he yawns lol. Sounds like a nuisance. Sorry. :/

8. Unfortunately, he probably thinks doing these things shows you his attraction to you, and that it’s a loving compliment and fun and silly. In his mind he might see it as a way to reassure you that he finds you sexy and attractive even when you aren’t feeling attractive. Of course, he could also just be acting out sexually because he misses doing more, but it sounds like he has had these behaviors for awhile. Telling him how overpowering it is/stimulating might just be making him think that’s actually a good thing since many people equate feeling stimulated with feeling good/turned on, so trying to explain it with different words might work better. He clearly doesn’t understand how to express his affection for you in ways that you want, so as others mentioned you are going to have to be very direct with him and tell him you need to hug, snuggle, kiss, etc and not be touched in those ways anymore/as often. The “flicking nose” thing is extremely frustrating to hear but he is probably trying to lighten the mood or be silly and hopefully not the jack-ass it comes off like. He needs to show you respect and love and not just make you feel like a play thing and be immature when you are dealing with so much. Good luck!

9. Talk about love languages. The over touch under touch struggle in relationships is real. My first instinct is always to touch my wife. Even after all this time together I still need to take the skip-pause to remember what I want to convey to her and what she receives takes work to synchronize. Instinctually I want to do what your husband does. But if I put my hand on the small of her back, tell her she’s hot and kiss her cheek it conveys what I want to say better than the double boob flick.

10. I had this talk with my partner 1 time. I told him that constantly touching my privates and no other parts of my body, or even me as a whole, made me feel shame, overly sexualized and I didn’t enjoy his touches just on the parts of my body that he viewed a “sexual” and it was negatively effecting our relationship.

    I made it about me and my feelings (I statements) and he understood immediately and stopped those actions.

    If your partner is refusing to respect your personal boundaries after you have communicated them, then state that. Plainly and with no frills, so your partner understands that they are continuing to do a physical action that you want to stop.

    If he doesn’t then I would suggest a mediator or therapy, hopefully another person can clearly explain it.

11. My late wife loved this kind of attention. In fact, she got upset if I didn’t do it. It was how I expressed that I still desired her. But I would never have kept doing it if she wasn’t okay with it.

    You don’t have to tolerate this from him, but you should ask him *why* he does it. If he just feels he’s entitled to your body, that’s not okay. But maybe he wants you to know that having a baby didn’t make you less desirable.

12. >he just flicks my nipples and slaps my ass hard for no reason?

    OK, first… ouch. That isn’t sexy or funny or playful. Has he always done this or did this obnoxious behavior start after your baby was born?

    I ask because a lot of men engage in behaviors that are often off putting and an active turn off after their child is born because they want *attention* and are going about it in the wrong way.

    What does he say if you tell him to touch in a different way or show him how to touch you how you like?

13. WTF? Is your husband 13? Tell him to knock it the fuck OFF. I had an ex who did this and MY GOD did it irritate me to no end. Did I mention he’s an EX?

14. I would be clear about where he’s allowed to touch without asking OR be clear he has to ask respectfully. And if he doesn’t comply I would keep your distance.