I (36) met a man (39) through work last year (not a coworker but we do collaborate on projects) and the last several months we’ve been working in a project together. It was obvious we liked each other through interactions and texts, and he asked to a concert since we both like dancing. We had a blast and a fun make out afterwards. The next couple of days over the weekend we texted and he was pretty responsive, not an overwhelming amount of texting and but more than we were before the concert.
Then on Monday I had to drop off some work stuff at his place and we had a beer, he showed me his bees and garden and other things we’d talked about before. He ended up making me dinner and we slept together and the sex was really good (3x good). Next morning we had coffee and a nice convo and I went on my way. Since then I
He’s been less (minimally?) responsive and somewhat dry, but still communicative. I sent him a text this past Friday wishing him a good weekend and he responded Monday evening asking me how my weekend was, but responded in kind without much detail. Seems he’s not so interested after he got the sex he was looking for, which sucks since we’d know each other a while and I thought he was kind and different than that, but I made an impulsive decision and I can own that.
I will still work with this man as we wrap up this project and we knew that going into this, so my question is – do I talk to him and tell him I’m fine going back to being friends if he isn’t interested in more, or just act like nothing happened and treat him like a friend/colleague as before? And if he is interested in more, I would make my expectations clear about what I want and how I want to be treated moving forward.
tl/dr: I slept with a man I’ve known professionally for a while and now he seems to have lost interest. Still have to finalize a collaborative work project together. Do I act like nothing happened or address it directly?
Edited to clarify: We texted throughout the week after we had sex, but his texting was a bit dry compared to the weeks leading up to us having sex. He was only unresponsive the weekend after we had sex, so 4 days of some texting (sex monday night) and then nothing over the weekend until the Monday “how was your weekend?” Text.
19 comments
Honestly I would just give back whatever energy you get from him. If he just goes back to being cordial and like a colleague then respond in kind. After such a brief situationship I don’t really see the point in setting out your expectations because you’re going to get what you get from him.
If its going to make YOU feel better to talk about it then do but have 0 expectations. And whatever he says – take his actions over any words he says.
He sounds like an asshole, unfortunately
He got his project completed from the sounds of it… just match his level of energy and response and leave it as just coworkers and let it go.
If you press more it’s going to make matters worse unless you want drama.
Considering he isn’t just a jerk: Is it possible he feels unsure how to proceed because you still have to work together? If you’re interested in him, I’d have a conversation and tell him so, and add that if he isn’t on the same page, that is totally fine and you have no issue working together professionally.
Act like nothing happened and move on I think.
I would finish the project and wait until afterwards to address it. However he likely knows what he did and addressing it won’t change him. I also don’t think he was ever your friend sadly- sounds like he just wanted a hookup which he got and doesn’t want to pursue more than that.
A really simple “hey are you interested in continuing this/seeing where it goes/what do you want out of this?” Is all you need.
He’ll either be able to answer honestly, or not. If not, that’s an answer too.
The thing I’ve learned with behavior like this, is usually they don’t know what they want. And pursuing something on a maybe isn’t worth it at our age.
People like this are so afraid of risking vulnerability and so tapped out from their own humanity that trying to understand the reasoning behind their actions is a waste of time. If you’re a person with a normal emotional range and normal social behavior, then you won’t be able to get into his mindset. Just shake your head at another loss from a culture that makes people afraid of connection, and move on.
Literally act like it didn’t happen.
Just go about your business, work with him, don’t bring anything up at ALL.
If he’s expecting you to chase him, he won’t get it.
If he just isn’t that into you, well- now it’s not awkward!
If he’s playing some weird game where he wants to see what kind of girl you would be after sex (some guys do this to see if you’re like super clingy or what not) and you give him nothing, you look incredibly powerful.
Either way, I would just sleeping dogs lie.
He’s not interested in more, just drop it.
I’m sorry to say it, but as a guy, this doesn’t sound great. If you text me after we had sex and I take a whole weekend to reply… I’m not interested. That’s not even trying to fake it- that’s sending a clear signal without going so far as ghosting. I mean if he was out in the woods with no service, fine. But otherwise, he’s not treating this as important.
You can have that conversation, but *telling someone how you want to be treated is only effective if they’ve indicated that they care about meeting you there*, IMO.
I have some close lady-friends who have a hard time not ‘standing up for themselves’ in situations where they should just disengage. You can tell him that you didn’t appreciate that, and you can read him the riot act when he’s straight up disrespectful, but you aren’t getting anywhere if he doesn’t care.
In this case, he sent you a pretty clear signal, unfortunately.
Sometimes the best way to stand up for yourself is to quietly protect your own peace.
I’m going to take a slightly different tack as I’ve been in a similar situation, but without knowing exactly the situation it’s hard to say.
I had worked with this guy a couple years, different teams but would often do the normal how was your weekend, plans, general chats about life. I had a partner so was always just friendly.
After becoming single he offered a few times to go grab a drink etc (I’d also moved closer to him) thought it was nice but didn’t think anything of it, and honestly think he also would have been happy if it never went anywhere, we do enjoy each other’s company.
Went out one night, hooked up, continued that for a couple of weeks. Hadn’t really talked about intentions, though in convo as friends I had talked about not wanting to get into another serious relationship right now etc so he had that context.
He is not a great texter so sometimes would go days without a response. Ended up fizzling out a little as I was also going on a few dates so I thought I’d leave it to him to message again (earlier i had initiated a few times, but he was always enthusiastic in responses)
We both kept being normal to eachother at work and got an occasional message from him, like when I got covid he checked on me, but that was it.
Fast forward 2mths I ask him to grab a drink so we can chat, we have both still talked around things a little but what I’ve realised is he likes me, he is just fairly emotionally unavailable and hasn’t had a lot of serious relationships, I think he got worried at the start knowing my relationship history that I might want more than he could give and he didn’t want to hurt me so he took a step back. I think this is partly because he likes me, partly not wanting to have things end badly since we work together
We had a chat about where I’m at and that if he was interested I would be keen to see him again, so now we’ve just restarted that. We need to have more convos about what it might be, but right now just enjoying it.
If I hadn’t asked him to catch up I wouldn’t have known all of that, and could have made assumptions he just got his sex fix and was done.
I guess when you naturally develop something if you haven’t had convos about expectations it feels more awkward to start them vs when you are intentionally dating and it’s clear you say I’m looking for XYZ. He might be scared to put himself out there, what if you don’t want the same.
Agree with others go in with no expectations but be vulnerable and lay out this is what I’d be interested and see what he is looking for
Do you *really* want to be friends with him? He sounds like an ass.
lots of people including OP seem to be jumping to conclusions based on: OP texted on fri, he didnt respond till Mon.
I mean, you all could be right he’s not interested or it could be he’s just not real good at texting, or he doesnt want to get involved with someone while he’s working with them, or he had another date or family emergency or any of a million things. It seems obvious that both he and the OP have been taking things quite slow, maybe he’s still trying to do that?
I would suggest just ask him where things stand.
Are you sure he was single and isn’t in a relationship or is married?
I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. People can be so cruel. I would feel devastated if a guy that I saw as a friend turned out to be anything but that.
I have two suggestions: if you feel like you need to make sure your voice is heard, that you are not misunderstanding anything, and you feel disrespected, definitely have that conversation. Make it absolutely clear that you dislike how you were treated, that you feel somewhat misled, whatever you need to say to empower yourself. However, don’t feel the need to tell him about what you expect from him moving forward. He has already shown you he’s a dishonest, disrespectful, and inconsiderate person.
My second suggestion is to keep distance at work. Don’t interact with him. Don’t chat with him. Only if you need to based on your projects. Keep it strictly professional, and no friendly vibes. You have to set the precedent moving forward, and this precedent is you don’t want him in your life in any capacity unless the minimum required for your work.
I would not bother addressing at this point. His behavior fading you out says it all. Be civil and professional and nothing more, even “friendly” would be a stretch. He’s not being mature or considerate.
do you think he’s professionally worried? like, i could see how it could easily happen, sleeping with a co worker, but navigating what that means for work matters sounds like a nightmare to me.
maybe try being honest with him about how you feel, and ask how he’s feeling, and then go from there. you’ll never know unless you ask the source. it’s scary tho, i hate those convos, but there is a ton of power in vulnerability, so go get it my successful sister!
I wouldn’t say anything because, why? What kind of response or resolution are you looking for? He has seem to made himself clear. I would leave it strictly as co-workers from now and nothing more.
Sorry but his no longer interested