i’m hot, why am i single?

38 comments

1. Maybe its your personality? Or you could just have shit luck.

2. If it’s not your body, it’s your personality.

   I’m not trying to be rude, I don’t know you, it’s just the truth. Something about the way you act is making men outright say that they can’t imagine anyone dating you.

3. Not feeling attraction to anyone unless you know them super well makes sense and is pretty common, could possibly be that you’re demisexual/demiromantic or some form of ace but that’s for you to decide. I can’t say why you are attracted to guys that don’t reciprocate but you can prevent these situations by making sure romantic feelings are reciprocated first off before anything. If you want to date someone, just tell them that. Otherwise don’t expect them to just randomly occur at some point.

   Also, yes, after you blur the line between friends and not-so-friends some people will drift away from you, that’s often how it goes, sometimes out of principal, or maybe just because they’re busy, or reconnecting would be awkward. After awhile feelings can eventually get involved and make things confusing for them when they don’t want that.

4. >(one of my guy friends said he couldn’t imagine anyone ever dating me)

   That’s an odd thing to say…what was his reason?

   ​

   >disclaimer: i was raised super religious so i didn’t even consider doing anything nsfw until i graduated high school and now i find i can’t feel any kind of sexual attraction towards a guy unless i know him super well.

   That has nothing to do with being “super religious”.

5. Being hot isn’t everything- you haven’t met someone you have a genuine connection with. Try honing in on your own interests and opinions and figuring out who you are- that in itself is attractive and will allow you to create bonds with people that lead to a romantic relationship.

6. Its your personal choice. You don’t want to settle for below your self described 8.5? Any guy above that is either taken or playing the field, sometimes both. And not trying to be rude but you need to let your anger go. Its a low vibrational energy. You want to raise your vibration level to match someone on the level you desire. Joy and peace are examples of a higher vibrational energy.

7. >one of my guy friends said he couldn’t imagine anyone ever dating me

   This friend could probably answer your question for you better than anyone here can. Have you asked him?

8. You might be a bit… odd? Maybe? Or come off as drama or crazy. Im sure you are cute. But it goes way beyond that. And the older you get, the more that comes into play.

9. If you’re a woman of color and really forward, living in a really conservative and white area, I definitely think that’s going to shrink your available pool of suitors. Do you still live there?

   I’m sure it’s also a problem that you can’t tell if there’s a spark unless you’re well acquainted, so it’s harder to sift through guys on a superficial level.

   I saw that you have a lot of friends. This might be weird but, are there other women in your circle like you? In terms of like personality/energy/other POC?

10. I’m 35 and have been grappling with this since I was a teenager. I feel I’m on everyone’s bucket list for sex but nobody sees me as wife material. If anyone has any suggestions I’m open to hearing them.

11. not everyone is lucky enough to find “the right person” for them. sometimes it will take time. A lot of my friends were and still is super hot in their 30s and not married or not dating anyone yet. I think you will be fine and there will be someone for you. Enjoy the single life, it’s better lol, no heartbreaks (I’m just kidding).

12. All of my best relationships left sex out until we built a bond. I believe the longer you wait the better, I’m not saying you need to wait forever it is important in a relationship. Just try getting to know someone first and be unapologetically yourself don’t hide things you think they won’t want to see.

13. You’re only 19! There are so many people you haven’t met yet! It’s way too soon to adopt the forever alone attitude.

14. The friend who said he could never imagine anyone dating you? Ask him to please tell you why and be honest because you won’t get upset, you just really need to understand.

15. It’s possible that you’re not seeking out people who share interests beyond sexual attraction. You have to think about what you want to share with your partner and seek out a similar personality. If you value quality time at home and want to do things like watch movies and TV a lot then you need to make sure you want to be watching the same thing. If you want to go out to bars and dance you have to find someone who also likes dancing. If you want to watch sports or go hiking… You get it. Being sexually attracted to someone and wanting to spend time with them are two separate things and you need both for a relationship to be desirable.

16. It kinda sounds like you are mostly trying to fuck your long time friends. That doesn’t work out very often.

17. This is gonna sounds really blunt but hear me out.
    You are 19. If your dating around your age, you will continue to see this trend. That’s just how it is. It’s not you. You might actually end up doing the same thing to a guy you find extremely attractive simple because of something small that you don’t even realize.

    I’ll put it to you this way. I didn’t commit to a woman who worshipped the ground I worked on. She was gorgeous. Sexy. She would do things like bring me food at work despite not even asking, she’d challenge me to grow. She would’ve been ideal to marry. I walked away from her, honestly? Because I wasn’t ready to commit to having sex with one person yet. I didn’t know where I was gonna be in 3 years. And, truth be told, I had a friend I wanted to explore too.
    Do I regret it?? Absolutely. But it happens. It’s not personal, so don’t take it that way. Compatibility these days is so objective based (age, looks, finances, sexual ability, etc)
    People forget just how much depth there is to true romantic connection

18. I think it’s just your age. When I was your age I also had terrible luck with every guy I liked! We would maybe hook up a few times or date a month or two and then they would lose interest and ghost me or get back with an ex. I thought there must be something wrong with me. I consider myself attractive and I really get along well with most people. I was the kind of girl guys liked to “chill with” but never commit to for some reason. No matter what happened with relationships I always tried to work on my self confidence. Went to the gym, kept myself put together, worked hard in school towards my career. I didn’t let the rejection get to me. Eventually I met my husband when I was 21 and never looked back. We’re together 10 years with a baby on the way so life is good. You’re so young. Try to focus on learning who you are and being the best version of yourself and eventually you will find the person that’s meant for you.

19. Based on your responses, I wonder if you’re socially awkward? Your morals don’t mesh with most people your age. That’s not bad unless it bothers YOU! There ARE religious men out there too

20. You’re 19, you’ll be fine, go have some fun

21. 19 is pretty young and romantic attraction is about way more than looks.

22. You’re still very young. You just need to meet more people. Some people just need to click really well before they can be in a relationship. I’m more concerned that you already had a FWB before experiencing any significant time being in a real partnership. It’s odd because usually people in FWB relationship are people rejecting a romantic partnership for their own reasons, so they are only looking for sexual gratification, while you seem to be looking for a partner. It’s like you might have a skewed perception of a partnership that people might find to be odd or off-putting, but this is a far fetched speculation on my part.

23. I think you just haven’t met the right pool of guys yet. You’re very young. I had similar issues at your age. Then it seemed like I was beating them off with a stick in my 20s (when I actually was in a serious relationship with my husband). Maybe I was more confident? Maybe I was *taken* so was harder to get? Who knows. I think it was just that the men I was meeting in my 20s were higher quality instead of college boys.

    Also, I would say that there are many people from non-diverse communities that don’t find POC romantically attractive. They may find them aesthetically attractive, but no chemistry. That’s their issue, not yours. I think you’ll find lots of men you are romantically attracted to you when you are in more diverse surroundings.

    Basically, it’s not you, in my opinion.

24. fwb strike one

    multiple partners in a short ammount of time strike two

    there is something pushing people past strike 3

25. I grew up with this really HOT girl. Like HOT. She still part-times as a model now although we’re much older.

    In our teens, boys lined up to date her, but she’s NOT interested in any of them. None. No, she’s not gay or bi. The two guys she’s super into? Yep, one totally not into her at all while the other one kind of did, but very lukewarm. They kinda ‘dated’ or..uh talked for a year before he stopped communication with her because he decided to go abroad and wanted to start new and find a real gf (that guy, imo, was just stringing her along–he did admit in the end that he was super flattered the most popular and the most beautiful girl at our school–HS–liked him romantically. He enjoyed the ‘boost’ in his social life for being linked with her so he ended up not saying ‘yes’ to her when she asked him out, but more or less kinda give her hope they can be together one day…he did apologize for stringing her along though).

    The clincher is this: She’s fun to be around, everybody liked her. She’s popular and nice to everyone. Tbh with you, she doesn’t have any particular flaws per se (I know her flaws because we were close but it’s not such bad flaws to prevent her from dating anyone, imo), so conventionally, she should be successful in her love life, esp. she’s very successful in her professional life as an adult. So she definitely doesn’t “need a man” to supplement her life, she’s beautiful, financially well off, got a great job…

    She did meet someone in her mid 20s and ended up marrying him in her late 20s. Unfortunately, a couple of years of marriage ended up showing the guy to be an AH and a ‘perv’ (ok, the guy got caught stealing panties of the women in the area, was arrested– this was the main cause of their divorce–he also did super weird thing to her b4 the whole marriage exploded: like he would weigh her weekly to make sure she didn’t gain weight, etc).

    Then she bounced up dating here and there, for the next 10 years, only now in her early 40s, she FINALLY met with someone who’s kind ‘equal’ in term of hotness and being successful professionally…and they’re happily together, he just popped the question. So our hope is…this one is the winner LOL.

    My point is, just because you’re super attractive, it doesn’t mean that eh, you will meet the right person immediately too. It may not even be your personality (who knows though, Idk you). Just keep being out there, one day, you’ll find the one who like you as much too, imo.

26. It’s entirely possible that you just haven’t yet met somebody you’re compatible with and attracted to who reciprocated by age 19 and with what sounds like at most two years of dating. That is not that much time! It’s also possible that on some level you find people who you know or sense are unavailable to you more appealing. That is not that uncommon- it feels safer on some level to crush on someone who is distant than to be fully vulnerable to somebody who might actually get inside your defenses and potentially (honestly, in your teen years, almost certainly) eventually break your heart a little. Even from your short description, you say that a close friend you were sexually involved with *did* say he loved you… and you brushed it off. And that’s okay! You shouldn’t date anybody you don’t really want to just for the sake of being not-single. Single is wayyyyy better than a bad relationship.

    I just don’t think not having had a serious relationship yet at nineteen is an indicator of some flaw in you as a person that precludes you from having one later, maybe quite soon. It just happens that way sometimes.

27. you are not alone. I too am hot, 32 years old, men or creeps check me out but nobody wants me. the last man i loved said he was attracted to me but i guess not enough to close the gap (it was LDR). SIGH. it sucks. maybe its my personality. maybe i just need to take it as a win in disguise… and just focus on my own things… it is lonely though. it feels shitty. because if you were ugly then you could try to do make up or something to correct things.. but changing your personality is harder than changing your makeup . . .

    but dont take it personally… hard i know, but just know, you are constantly growing and changing… youre also very young, just starting out! protect yourself, YOU are your most valuable asset, YOU are your own guardian angel. DO NOT waste your time with ppl who aren’t worthy. DONT let anyone make a fool out of you!

28. You’re only 19, plenty of years ahead in the dating world for you

29. You are so young – I promise you, that’s all it is. Sometimes these things take awhile. You will find your person.

30. A relationship isn’t a reward for being hot. (There are plenty of ugly people in relationships). It’s not even a reward for being a decent person. (There are plenty of dirtbags in relationships).

    You’ve got a sample size of 3. Hang in there.

31. First of all is not you in the sense of who you are as a person is more your judgement with guys, if you want a relationship don’t be fwb with a guy if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
    It seems like you are failing in setting boundaries, but don’t think that the problem is you, because this will only cause you to lower your self steam and it will drive you to date horrible people thinking that is the only thing you deserve or will ever get.
    You say you know what you want but you just described how you let others take the course of your relationship with them, don’t let that happen be strong and stand for what you want and nothing less because at the end of the day is better to lose a person because they were not up to your standards than to lose a person because they used you and are done with you.
    Edit: nobody here knows you, don’t let them say that you are odd, weird, dramatic or crazy because this will only create imaginary problems with yourself that can have real consequences. There’s no way for any of us to tell you that is a personality issue because WE DONT KNOW YOU so don’t let any mean comment get to you. For what I could gather from what you are saying, is not you as a person is the boundaries that you fail to set.

32. Asking this question is like asking “I’m hot, why can’t I get a job?”

    There are other factors involved.

33. Any time that has happened to me it has been in areas where I am not the conventional beauty standard (curvy woman of color). If I go to an outdoor consignment store and nothing fits right on my body type, it’s probably an indication that I am not the “type” of the area. Before you write yourself off as a shit personality, evaluate your surroundings and maybe travel a bit!

34. I’m a trans guy. Used to live as a cis woman and was honestly a pretty hot one. I was mostly into women but did try to date men and had a similar issue. Whenever my male friends got crushes on girls in our friendship group, it simply wasn’t on me. And I couldn’t understand why. Did eventually find a guy who liked me when I was 19-20 but it didn’t feel right so I broke it off. Have since been in two lesbian relationships and have only dated casually since transitioning.

    Firstly, I wouldn’t assume it’s anything to do with you as a person. Attraction is fairly random and it’s normal for adults to spend long periods of time single.

    Second thing is though, I wouldn’t assume looks have much to do with it. Men are actually a lot less looks-oriented than people realise. I think the reason we comment on it so much is that actually we don’t care about looks all that much, and so we’re not giving anything away / opening up if we say a woman is hot. Whereas if I say “talking to her calms me down and she makes me want to be a better person”… — this isn’t manly and I lose face. So do I tell my mates about the girl who makes my world feel lighter, easier, safer? No. I tell them about the hot girl I was grinding with in a club. Not because hot and nice are opposites. Not because I want the hot girl more or respect her less. It’s literally just that I’m less vulnerable when I talk about her, and as a man vulnerability scares me.

    So yeah slight tangent there but I think this is why men talk about looks more even if most don’t actually value them that much. I would say that what many men look for is a woman they feel emotionally safe with. Someone they can open up to and be vulnerable around. Emotional intimacy is what a lot of straight men look for.

    With that noted, I believe the reason I struggled to date before is that I was emotionally closed off. And I guess I couldn’t really meet most straight men’s emotional needs because even though my appearance was conventionally feminine, my personality was masculine, and that’s not a bad thing at all for a woman. It’s just I wasn’t necessarily as ept at meeting those guys’ emotional needs. By the same token, I wouldn’t want to. The idea of being a straight guy’s emotional sanctuary honestly used to make me feel sick. It feels wrong in so many ways. So even if I wasn’t what they were looking for, chances are the type of relationship they wanted wasn’t what I was looking for either.

    Which I guess links in to the fact emotional compatibility is what it is so you definitely shouldn’t try change yourself for others — only for yourself. Even if I’d played that role of “caring, feminine woman” it wouldn’t have worked cos I’d have just hated it and been unhappy in the relationship.

    So yeah I would say focus on being the most authentic, healthy you you are able to be, and hopefully the right person comes along. If you have any mental health issues or sides of yourself you aren’t expressing, then now is the time to come to terms with all that — maybe single, and maybe in a relationship.

    For me I’m neurodivergent but wasn’t self aware of that until I was 22, and I needed to get on top of that before having a healthy relationship. Also suppressing my gender made it very hard to connect to others, and I think on a deeper level the parts of me didn’t quite match up and so I wasn’t even really presenting people with a coherent image. It’s hard to describe but my personality, appearance, body language, mannerisms, speech, etc. all align to create this single unified person. Whereas prior to realising I was trans they were all pretty disconnected and separate. I was physically attractive and I had specific nice qualities, but I was also confusing and impossible to figure out, and people aren’t necessarily gonna be romantically attracted to that. They want to feel safe in a relationship.

    You’re young and you’ve got a lot of time ahead of you — I wouldn’t read too much into what’s going on now. I’d simply invest in yourself and see where it leads. Could be as simple as you haven’t found the right guy yet or the guys around you have some growing up to do. Could be bigger in which case there’s a lot of excitement and value in getting to know yourself. The other thing worth keeping in mind is I’m pretty sure a lot of people who get together young and stay together simply don’t have it in them to break up, and are not necessarily that well matched. Love is a powerful emotion and sometimes feels like a drug. It’s really difficult to break up on a chemical level and so sometimes people stay in bad relationships for that reason, and not because it’s actually good for them. So I guess all in all, it’s worth remembering that people in relationships aren’t necessarily happier for it.

35. Sounds like you put too much stock into your looks and not enough into your personality and how you act

36. Babe everyone has issues dating, I’ve seen incredibly hot women ghosted by all sorts of men. It’s just the luck of the draw, it’ll happen when it does. Believe me you’ll look back and wish you didn’t stress so much about meeting someone. Work on becoming the best/most interesting version of yourself so when that person does come around they’ll LOVE to brag about you!

37. you’re single because relationships have nothing to do with appearance or surface level personality traits like “confidence” or “good sense of humor”. this is kind of the failing of a lot of skinny cishet “beautiful” people, they think their appearance and basic social skills will win them love like it’s a prize.

    you just need to find someone you click with, someone whose demons are compatible with yours, someone you trust to grow with you rather than against you, and you need to be a hella responsible mature adult to figure out how to be this kind of person for someone else.

    you’re 19. it’s okay to not have it all figured out. focus on developing you for you right now, boys don’t matter this much anyway. if you keep on working on you, this stuff will just fall into place eventually.

38. Your post almost describes me to a T. However, I’m much older (27), and I did not grow up religious. Like you said, I don’t want to seem pompous, but I am attractive, independent, educated, have a good job, good personality, and physically in shape. I have noticed I think many guys just aren’t willing to commit even into their mid-30s. Also, a lot of men are intimidated by the traits we possess. I am extremely picky when it comes to picking someone to date or even to have sex with.
    I have only had 2, maybe 3 guys that I have ever truly wanted to commit to. I still have to remind myself that while I may have things I need to work on relationship-wise, that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. Do not lower your standards and have non-negotiables that you actually stick by. I haven’t met the person I want to marry, but I know it is worth it to wait for the right person rather than to settle.