How you aren’t sexually compatible?

5 comments

1. It’s about what you like and how often you like it. For example, if it turns out your boyfriend won’t feel sexually fulfilled unless he has sex 3+ times a week but you are only in the mood once a week, there’s a problem. If you like it rough but he finds that gross or disturbing, you will only have sex that is fulfilling for him but not you. There’s so many ways but these are just ideas.

2. Sexual incompatibility is typically around 2 things: either the amount/frequency of sex aka libido, or about the type of sex and kinks/fetishes etc. So typically you want to make sure that your libidos match and your sexual interests align- if you’re a virgin and/or are ok with waiting for sex, it doesn’t strike me that either of these things would be an issue for you. You are probably both not very sexual people.

3. Sexual incompatibility comes when two people from disparate sexual backgrounds come together. You and your girlfriend are *not*, because I assume neither of you have had sex before.

   So, the two of you will be exploring this new activity together, and you will probably naturally come to the same sexual conclusions without past history dictating preferences, you see?

4. >I don’t want to get married and end it right after because of this.

   Listen to yourself bro, does it sound like you should be getting married?

   It’s supposed to be a serious, lifetime commitment. You would be insane to make a commitment like that without knowing if you are compatible. Either that, or you don’t really appreciate how serious marriage is and so what’s the point in getting married?

5. Long-term sexual compatibility is difficult to predict until you’re actually having sex, but there are a few things to keep in mind.

   Either of you may find over time that you have different sex drives. Or that your sex drives will change over time (i.e. one person’s may diminish later, especially after kids). So one person may want sex more often than the other. How do you handle this? Both of you will need to compromise. That is, one person will be having less sex than they want, and the other more than they want. Negotiating that can be tricky if your difference in sex drives is large. And how you manage that (e.g. what kind of sex to compromise over, and how frequently. In these situations, masturbation is typically one way, and/or less “involved” kinds of sex like hand jobs or oral).

   You will also likely find that both of you have different needs or ways of enjoying sex and having an orgasm. Stereotypically, the guy has a much easier time and just wants to get to the “climax” quickly, while the woman wants to enjoy and prolong the act more, and may take more work to get to “climax.” Being willing to work with each other to give each other pleasure is a very, very important part of sexual compatibility. It is not automatic or necessarily easy. It can take good communication, and not only listening to each other, but a willingness to share honestly what you find that you like or don’t like. New couples are understandably and typically shy about this, and that’s ok, but don’t let it stop you from exploring and better understanding what you both enjoy in a non-judgmental way. Also, you’ve probably heard that after a lifetime of training yourselves to wait, it can understandably take time to relax those inhibitions once you’re both ready. So be prepared for this to be a gradual process, rather than a binary “nothing before marriage” to suddenly switch to “everything ok after marriage.” Be patient with yourselves. The other thing is not only listening to what each other says, but listening to each other’s bodies. Pay attention to what each of you respond to when you’re kissing, stroking, caressing, and moving. And be willing to explore and try a few different things to see if there’s more, within both of your comfort levels.

   Which also brings us to having the same kind of sex over years can become somewhat dull or boring (not always). One of you will have a desire for more variety than the other. The other person will try to accommodate, but within their own comfort level. So it will depend on how much variety one partner wants/needs, and how flexible the other partner can be. Of course, no one should be forced to do something they’re uncomfortable with, but also be encouraged to push their own boundaries a little too. Again, it’s a negotiation, and mutual respect and communication are going to be key.

   Some people ask: how can you have sex with the same person when you’re old? Doesn’t that get tiresome? And the answer is not really. You develop a bond that deepens and ultimately it’s about giving each other pleasure because you love each other. Keep that in mind and that will help a lot towards building long-term sexual compatibility.

   Feel free to ask other questions if you like. Good luck!

   Edit to add: sexual compatibility is hugely important. Most marriages end if they don’t have it, because it’s a key part of a relationship: intimacy, trust, and love are expressed through sex, so if you don’t have it, it’s like losing an important part of your relationship. Very few relationships survive without it, unless they’ve made unusual accommodations (e.g. open marriage).