I’m hoping to get some insight from the couples here. I came across this podcast by Esther Perel, Where Shall We Begin? These are recordings of couples therapy with commentary. I’d highly recommend it.
https://whereshouldwebegin.estherperel.com/episodes/s4-episode-5
Something struck me in this episode. The principito, or little prince concept. This is when the husband can’t recognize when he did something wrong or apologize appropriately. Then the wife gets mean and he doesn’t recognize his own role. She sees this as coming from being raised by a mother who treats her son as if he can do no wrong.
I feel like I have a bit of this dynamic myself and I am trying to better understand.
Example:
I do all the laundry, always. I put my wife’s sweatpants in the dryer. She wanted them hung dry. I apologize. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. She is still upset and hurt. She says that the pants are tight now and she doesn’t like that. I apologize again. I offer to buy her new pants. I ask if she wants a medium or large because she keeps telling me how she wants them to be baggy and now they are not.
She gets upset and says I am calling her fat. I say no, I want to know how baggy you want them, she wears my large size hoodies at times. Also she is very underweight and has a very negative self image focused on being skinny.
She says I said that to hurt her and that I want her to be more skinny. I say no, I think she is beautiful, and I don’t think that losing weight should be a goal because she is already underweight. This is how people get eating disorders.
She wants me to apologize. I do. She wants me to apologize for “calling her fat”. I tell her this isn’t true. That’s not what I said or think. I am sorry for the misinterptation.
This cycle is common in my relationships throughout my life, not just her. How do I apologize in a way that will be accepted?
I feel that I am met with the assumption of negative intent and anything I do gets twisted. Then my partner wants me to apologize for their twist they put on it. She wants me to say, “I’m sorry that I called you fat in order to give you an eating disorder.” But this isn’t true. Do you just say this anyway? I would have to be a monster to do that.
What am I doing wrong? Any insights would be helpful.
Thank you.
3 comments
>She wants me to say, “I’m sorry that I called you fat in order to give you an eating disorder.” But this isn’t true. **Do you just say this anyway?**
Absolutely not.
There are many common themes in relationships. Men not dealing with their insecurity and, instead, externalizing it by criticizing their wives’ sexual pasts or similar. Another is women not dealing with their insecurity and, instead, externalizing by blaming their husbands for it.
In BOTH of those cases, the woman/man can’t save their other. Only the individual can save the individual from the destructiveness of their insecurity.
What you can do, in the meantime, is remove one of her avoidance mechanisms.
*”I don’t know women’s sizes. My mistake was asking you and involving myself in your clothes. I promise to never make that mistake again.”*
Then you literally never touch her laundry again for the rest of your life.
​
>What am I doing wrong? Any insights would be helpful.
You apologized for something you shouldn’t have apologized for. Never, ever do that.
This won’t have been the first time, so you’ve almost certainly set an expectation that your wife can just externalize onto you and you’ll just apologize endlessly.
The only thing you’re really doing wrong in this scenario is phrasing your question as “medium or large” instead of “what size do you want?” Of course, you could always look at the tag.
I have clothes that often get washed in a way that causes me much more work of ironing. We have the steam dryer and most of the clothes need no ironing if they come out and get hung right away. I mention it now and then when there’s a lot of ironing to do. But beyond that I don’t make a big case of it.
You can be more careful with the laundry but your wife is drastically overreacting and refusing to take you at your word – interpreting things you haven’t said, etc. That’s an unhealthy relationship behavior of hers. You can’t fix it by walking on egg shells. She may need a third party (like a therapist/councilor) to point this out to her.
Hi just wanted to say thank you for mentioning the podcast where should we begin in your post. I’m listening to the first episode and it is very insightful. My husband and I are having issues and in therapy currently trying to save our 18 year marriage.