My husband (50M) and myself (42F) have been together for 20 years but were just married in October 2021. We don’t share money, we have separate accounts. He pays the mortgage and I pay for everything else bill wise, including food. In the past For taxes we always obviously filed separately until this year and being married to him has totally screwed my tax return. Basically we are getting nothing because he got unemployment last year and had no taxes taken out. I feel like I’m getting screwed because he’s an idiot. I’ve always gotten a few thousand back and have always used that to pay off credit cards, stuff we need for the house etc. I rarely spend anything on myself. I also pay for everything for our daughter, lessons, school stuff, activities, etc. I also pay for every gift and what not for Christmas. I don’t ask him for anything.
And yet he spends any money he has on himself, snowmobiles, cabin rentals, etc. whatever he wants he gets. He wanted to quit his job and start a business, he did. He wanted a van for this business, I had to put it in my name because he wasn’t able to verify income. I feel like I’m the one being screwed in this relationship financially, making sacrifices while he does what he wants.
I’ve tried talking to him about it. How I feel and his response was, “you’re making me feel guilty. I never claimed our daughter and I never got anything back like your tax returns in the past”. I pointed out to him all the things above that I pay for and his response was “well I guess I suck”.
I just wish he could see things from my side instead of trying to play the victim or turn the tables and make it like I’m the selfish one.
(We got married because he started a business (which he still needs to make legitimate) and needed health insurance.)
10 comments
Financial marriage counseling.
There is a lot to unpack here. Some relationship others financial.
You guys need to figure out if you are a team or not.
Typical financial split is total bills/total income as a percentage.
Get some help.
There seems to be alot of yours and mine in here along with score keeping.
Alot of people dont take their taxes out of unemployment, sure it hits them later but it is common. I think you guys need to make a budget and stick to it. Write down all incoming income and your fixed monthly expenses. Put your debt together and make a plan of attack. You both need to discuss how youd like to manage finances together. After 20 years together I am not sure what is expected to change, but it does kind of seem like youre victimizing yourself when really the bar was probably set long ago. If he gets upset, just mention those arent your intentions.
It sounds like you are longer happy with the way you both have financial obligations split. It may have worked in the past, but doesn’t appear to be working now. Have that conversation with him. Tell him you think it’s time for you to take a look at your bills and financial goals and come up with a plan. I have heard of some couples putting a set amount in an account and pulling from that for bills, groceries, house things, etc. I have heard of others splitting things up the way you do. And I have also heard of others splitting things down the middle and tallying it up on a regular basis. Try to have the conversation at a time when it’s early, no one is tired and there is not anything pressing. I do agree with another who said it sounds like you’re keeping score. So, is it really the financial part or is there some other need that’s not being met that this playing on? Just a thought.
Edit for spelling.
You live very separate lives from the sound of it. There’s a lot of selfishness on his part and I’m not sure how you have managed to be okay with it all up till now. Relying on tax returns to pay credit card debt is not a good idea at all so there is some overspending going on too. You would benefit from marital and financial counseling.
Your frustration is pouring through on this, and I just want to give you sooooo much empathy. I literally could have written a lot of this starting 15 years ago with my now ex-wife — she was a terrible earner, spent sooooooooooooo much money whether we had it or not, and basically put sooooo much on my shoulders that I eventually broke and came down with stress-related illnesses. If I could go back in time, I’d do a few things:
1. Consult with a (good) divorce attorney and protect yourself. I’m not saying you should leave this person, but just consult with the attorney to make sure you are protecting yourself in the event one or both of you decide to end things, not just your credit but little things like if you are doing anything that will allow him to screw you Long term (e.g. maybe he gets the house since he is paying the mortgage). I was surprised by how much the system screws the responsible one if things come to an end.
2. Therapy for you and marriage counseling for both of you. If he won’t go, then you should go. This resentment is going to build, plus there are red flags with him that aren’t going to go away. You need to explore how and/or whether you can fix things.
3. Err on the side of getting out sooner rather than later. I realize everyone on subs presents the nuclear option quickly, but from my own experience I had 10 nice years with my ex, then 15 mostly frustrating years with her wherein if I’d just broken away from her earlier rather than later then I’d have saved myself half my adult life. Life is short. Spending life with someone who is driving you crazy and putting everything financially on you makes our short life unpleasant at best, and shorter at worst. I would not hesitate to explore this option at some point if you don’t start feeling better about things — marriage should not be a punishment or prison sentence, it should be pleasant. IMHO.
All my best to you.
This just sounds like its not fair and leading to a lot of resentment.. If you are keeping separate finances and you want to stay with him, why not actually keep your finances separate? Don’t put your name on a van for his business, charge him for his share of the health insurance and you can alternate claiming your daughter as a tax dependent and split her living expenses.
Don’t let him play VICTIM everything you are saying is true and 100% legitimate if the conversation isn’t working I would just pick a few bills and say that they are now his responsibility if he fights back I’d take a separation time with counseling so he doesn’t guilt you
All I hear is “my my my, me me me.” It sounds to me that the rigid way in which you’ve kept your finances separate should have been reevaluated over the years when changes were made, such as the new van or the business ventures.
Keeping it separate hasn’t helped your relationship any. I hear your frustration but do you intend to make any changes? If so, maybe seek financial counseling and couples counseling.
Ahem, it’s called “Married filing separately” tax status. There are certain things you can’t do, but you effectively get to keep it separate.
But I think there are a whole bunch of other red flags in the relationship that have nothing to do with taxes. Find a good therapist. If you go enough you can right it off!
So why did you marry him?