(sorry for any grammer/vocabulary errors, english isn’t my first language)
A little useful info…I’m 18(F) years old. I’ve struggled with depression and social anxiety my entire life so it was always hard for me to make friends or become part of a friendgroup…From a young age, I found comfort through art, anime and pretty much going online (usually to play stupid kids games). At age 12, I thought…”Hey, what if you combine all the things you like?”.So, I signed up and joined DeviantArt to post my anime drawings so I could talk to people who were my age and liked the same anime as me (back then noone really knew what anime was and for those who knew what it was, they would just make fun of me and anyone who liked anime)…
Eventually, I met this girl who liked the same anime as me and would also make art inspired by them. She was 2 years older than me (so 14-15) and lived in the same country as me, though she was 5 hours away from me. We began talking daily through the messagin system on DeviantArt (I think back then it was called “emails” or some shit). One day, my account got deleted for seemingly no reason. So, I quickly made a new one just to message that girl and give her my phone number and Skype username (since that’s what we used then -Discord was not a thing yet-)…So, she added me and saved my phone number. We began talking on Viber where she introduced me to her IRL bestfriend (M).
All 3 of us became the best of friends in no time. We had similar interests, similar hobbies, similar opinions etc etc. Our wish was to meet up one day. We were pretty much talking every single day, 24/7. We were inseparable. I was truly happy cause I had finally found 2 good friends who were pretty much similar to me (well each one of us had their own personality and shit, but you know what I mean by “similar”). We would move to talking on Instagram, then on Facebook, on Skype and, eventually, on Discord once it came out.
We made so many fun memories solely through texting and calling each other/having video calls. They introduced me to their other friend (F2) who also became part of our group. We would play games together, watch anime together, stay up late and just talk etc…They were my best friends. They helped me through every hardship I had to face. There was a time where I was getting bullied on an EXTREME level at school because of my depression, anxiety and stuttering and they were my only comfort, my only friends.
Eventually, after a few years and after I changed schools and moved grades, I became more social and managed to fight my social anxiety. Of course, it was thanks to my best friends at the time who would advise me and help me. On 2019, I went to a new school. It was the best year of my life. I made many friends are school, started feeling confident, started enjoying life in general. That year, me and my best friends finally met up IRL…After many years of anticipation, we finally met. They stayed at my house for a week in which we went on an anime convention (that was pretty much our excuse for meeting up), we went out to the mall, we went to the amusement park, we went out on late night walks, we went shopping and bought gifts for each other etc…After that, we promised to meet up as often as we could.
Sadly, in 2020 we were all forced to stay home. My best friends lived far away so it was really hard for me to meet up with them. My other friends couldn’t meet up either cause they were scared of the whole thing that was going on. My mental health hit rock bottom. My depression and social anxiety became worse than ever, I started having frequent panic attacks and mental breakdowns due to being stuck at home and other personal stuff in my house, I was heartbroken for a long time due to being rejected by my then crush (who eventually became my boyfriend later on). My best friends were trying to cheer me up and I was trying to hide it my feelings from them. They were in college (as theyre 2 years older than me) so I didn’t want to be another weight on their back. Ever since then, things changed.
Our friend (M) began growing a bit distant from us. When I asked him, he said that he was busy with college and he had to focus on his studies, which of course I respected and told him that he can take as much time as he wanted and that we’ll wait for him and will be cheering for him. He would later disable most of his social media to focus on his studies. We didn’t talk for a long time…Around a year I’d say. He’d only come back to say “Happy birthday” or “Happy new year”, but even now he stopped doing that. He hasn’t returned to social media, but he sent me one last message on Facebook saying that he’s okay and just needs to focus on his college and studies and that he wishes me well…That was the last time any of us heard from him. Now ,we just see his sister post pictures with him from time to time on her Instagram stories.
Our other friend (F2) began to grow distand as well. Well, to be fair, she was a bit distant from the beginning. She was always on her own and wouldn’t talk to us that much. She had to move out of the country to study on an international private college, so she needed to focus as well. She still talks to me from time to time on Instagram. She checks up on me every 4-5 months like “Hey! How are you doing? Can’t talk much I’m studying, but I wanna see what youve been up to”…I appreciate that alot. She’s a really sweet girl and the fact that she remembers me from time to time warms my heart….
Now for my very first friend (F)…Until today, we were still talking and doing good. We would talk daily still. We would join calls on Discord, we would play games together, draw while in calls and just chatting, watch movies and anime together…We were doing great. I was having a few issues with my family life, so I asked her if I could talk to her about it…She would say yes, but everytime I would talk to her about it she would just ignore me and say “anyways you wanna play something I’m bored. Also I’m hungry what should I order to eat?”…She is way more social than me. She has TONS and I mean HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of friends (online)…She would pretty much ignore me whenever I would talk to her about anything and would only come back if she felt bored or wanted to talk about herself (don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t talking about myself 24/7…I would simply say “aw man im not feeling that good maybe we can talk later?” and she’d be like “oh no whats wrong” and I’d start saying something only for her to disappear and come back after hours like “heyy you wanna hop on :any game:?”…but she would spam me whenever I was busy studying or doing anything whenever she would talk about herself..). I realized that she just didn’t care, so I tried restraining myself from telling her anything too personal.
Other than ignoring me, she would degrade me and everyone around me and make me feel like shit about everything. For example, she never liked my boyfriend (ex-crush). When she first heard of him and talked to him, she was chill…But the second I said “I might have feelings for him” she would tell me that we’re not fit for one another, that he’s an awful person probably, that I’m stupid, that I shouldn’t be looking for boys and that I’m off better if I cut him off etc etc…Another example is, I’d get a job or an art commision and I’d tell her and she’d be like “Oh, that’s good I guess? It doesn’t sound good for you though maybe you shouldn’t do it lmao. Maybe let someone else do it instead? I think that it’s just not for you and somebody else might do better than you. Just don’t do shit and let’s relax and play games lol it’s not like you need that job you just want extra money dont you?”…After all the things she would say, I’d feel uncomfortable and would pretty much refrain myself from doing ANYTHING. I eventually became her little puppet. I’d only talk to whoever SHE wanted (who was usually no one but her), I would only do whatever SHE wanted (stay at home all day in calls with her, playing games) etc… In January of 2021, my depression got worse, and I mean SERIOUSLY and DANGEROUSLY worse than before… I stopped talking to her for a month or so. I isolated myself and cried all day and night (it was for my crush-boyfriend, but that’s another story)…
After sometime, we finally started talking again and my life was kinda better due to other events taking place, other people entering my life (online friends, we were still locked up)…She decided to introduce me to her 2 close childhood friends (F+F) who, spoiler alert, didn’t like me. They would be mean to me for no reason when I tried being nice to them, offering to buy them stuff, offering money to help them out with stuff, inviting them to events etc…They just hated my guts for no reason, like they would show it in front of my face that they hated me by mocking me, laughing at whatever I said, replying with sarcasm every damn time, mimicking my accent and laughing (cause I stutter, which was caused by my depression and social anxiety) etc etc…I had to deal with alot of mental health problems which involved self harming and even though I pleaded my friend (F) not to tell her 2 childhood friends, she still did. She even told them private stuff about me that I didn’t want anyone to know and they would use everything they knew about me against me…They would do anything they could to prevent me from doing anything , talking to anyone. They would leave me out of things for no reason, would lie about me, shit-talk and spread rumours about me, would make me fight with my boyfriend and other friends cause they would tell them lies, attack them, would them ME lies and then I found out that they had groupchats where they would shit talk about me….
Well, I had fucking enough. I stepped my foot down. I decided to unfriend all of them and block them. That felt really good. I felt a huge weight getting lifted off my back…until today. I blocked them 3-4 days ago by the time I’m writing this. They didn’t try to look for me anywhere, they simply ignored me leaving their groups and shit. I remembered I had an alt account on Discord in which I haven’t blocked them, so I went there to check if they tried to at least reach out to me…When I went there, I had around 5-10 messages from my first friend (F). She was calling me a bitch and a manipulator. She said that I made them all cry and feel guilty for leaving them, for not saying anything. I then told her that she didn’t do much to see if I’m okay except for mourning about me blocking them on a single account, when they could have: called me on my phone number, texted me on my phone number, texted me on several other apps like whatsapp, facebook, instagram, twitter, hell even fucking Tik Tok at this point since they “cared” sooooo much. I just came out straight and said that I didn’t like the way she treated me and that friends don’t treat each other like that. Anyways, she ended up telling me to fuck off after blocking me on my alt. She unfollowed me on Instagram, she left my groupchats, she left my nintendo switch family (sad, i know lol), she left all our mutual servers etc…
I didn’t think too much about it, though deep inside it did pain me that my best friend turned out like that…Though now, I realized that most of my friends had either unfriended me or blocked me? I went to some of them and asked them what happened and they just said that “I’m a manipulative bitch”…I was kicked from most servers and groupchats I was in…Guess who told everyone to do this? My friend. She told everyone that I’m a fucking manipulative bitch who tormentated her and her poor little friends.
I currently have no friends anymore. All my friends are just gone because of her. I had a panic attack thinking about it. I don’t fucking know what to do anymore. I’m 18 fucking years old and I don’t know what to fucking do now that all my friends left me. I don’t fucking know how to approach people. I’m fucking scared to do it. I legit have no idea what to do. I’m all alone. The only one I have is my boyfriend. I cried my eyes out realizing I’m all alone right now. I have no idea what to fucking do. I’ve legit had the thought of hurting myself so many times these days but now it only got more intense. I want to hurt myself so fucking bad. I want to hurt m yself because I’m lost and all alone. I don’t know what to fucking do I’m scared of going out and just talking to people same with online people. What can I even do anymore.
3 comments
Don’t worry about it, I will be your friend
I don’t have the capacity to teach you how to approach someone again but assuming you really want to have some friends please do your best to dive in, not for others but yourself!
Assuming you want to socialise again. I suggest you can start by daily conversations with colleagues or people you see regularly in daily life. For example; you go to a cafe or even a market and happen to meet a regular cashier. You can start conversing again.
Though when you approach people its best to keep it at not a stranger basis.
It may not be a bad idea to hang out with your boyfriend group ( I really don’t want to suggest this based on trust issues but, just so you know it is an option).
The most important thing is to find quality friend, its not easy most of the time. Finding someone who’ll be there for you despite good or bad.
To be honest, personally I can’t say much about braving yourself to talk to people. But you’ll find that it isn’t that of a struggle. Its okay to get rejected, trust me on this, you have nothing to lose by trying. People don’t have to like you, no offence, just don’t beat yourself up over it.
We only have one life so live it out to the best of your abilities.
If you go to school, try approaching those not in the circle of things it’ll make it easy on them judging you.
This isn’t much of a quality advice but it’s something, i saw this post and felt like I couldn’t leave without saying anything.
You can wait a while for some suggestions but when you decide how to go on remember that time waits for no-one. Do it, don’t delay.
If you’re confused about something you can write to me. If you need a conversation partner, as truth be told, i intend to help, then i might as well help out to the end.
Oh and be watch out for people with intent, no offence comment below, I believe your sincere just judging the worst.
Believe in yourself.
Oh, hey. I’m really sorry you went through all of this. I have similar stories. Please don’t take anything that I’ll say as if I’m judging you or something, I’m not.
First of all, SHE is the manipulative bitch.
Then, if someone treats you the way she did, they were never your friends to begin with.
Also, if any of those other ppl were your friends, they’d try to hear your side of the story as well instead of just go around blocking you bc someone else told them to.
I know it hurts rn, but you’ll be fine! I guarantee you! Also, you’re not alone. You have your bf. And even if you were alone, it’s better to be alone than with ppl who mistreat you. You don’t deserve that and they never deserved you.
I think you shouldn’t do anything rn. Just cry what you feel like crying, it’s okay. This is like a grief, so you’ll go through all the stages of it. And after a few weeks you’ll be fine. And when you finally feel better, you can try again. Please try again. Don’t make the same mistake I did in closing myself. Try again and I’m sure you’ll be able to find amazing people who understand you and who treat you like you deserve.
I’m sorry I don’t know much what to say about the hurting yourself part and I don’t want to sound ignorant since I don’t have experience in dealing with it so… you think you can’t try to express your pain in a different way?
Like, I don’t necessarily draw. But I write. I LOVE to write. So, whenever I feel like the feeling is to overwhelming and that crying isn’t enough, I turn to writing. I write poems or short stories around my feelings and usually I even write a ton of stuff at once. And I feel so relieved. Maybe, if you force yourself to draw whenever you have the feeling of hurting yourself, you can eventually create a new cope mechanism.
I don’t know, I just felt that I had to say this: there is not and there was never anything wrong with you. Anything. I take that you have a good heart. And unfortunately we live in a world with too many mean people. Usually the worst of them live to torment the good ones.
I’m really sorry. You’ll be fine, you’re much stronger than you think, I can tell by your story. I mean it 🙂