Just some backstory. So I live in California. My husband is a struggling alcoholic, doesn’t drink everyday but when he does, he doesn’t have control and gets extremely verbally abusive towards me. I’ve forgiven him time and time again for him going on his benders for days at a time when I was pregnant and when I had given birth already. The last couple of months have been tough as he’s trying to stop, but does it at least once a month. He’ll always come home extremely drunk around 3am and accuse me of having sex with someone else out of the blue when I’ve been home with our kids everyday and there’s literally no proof of me talking to someone else on my phone. I have no desire to. He has gotten in my face, pushed me, grabbed my face roughly etc. wakes our babies up when he gets home and almost squishes them sometimes. Most days he hardly helps with them except looking at them, not even changing diapers and hardly making bottles. This last time though he got extremely drunk at the River and his family forced me to take him home even though he was trying to hit me and saying he was going to kill me, totally unprovoked, I’m serious. He punched my drivers glass two times and his brother(40M) still made me take him. They do this to me all the time. He slept the whole way home so I left him in the car to sleep off the alcohol and took the babies up with me and I got in the shower to wash off the river and dirt. He busts open the bathroom door and opens the shower and screams “why’d you leave me in the car?” And I said that he needed to sleep off the alcohol and I didn’t want to wake him. He hit me on my arm open Palmed. And pushed me into the shower wall and I got out and rushed past him to get something to defend myself but changed my mind and called 911 on my watch. He ended up hanging up the call after I gave the address and pushed me into the wall by my hair and kept screaming at me. The police got there and arrested him … I’m scared and cannot see myself getting back with him. He just got released after two days.. I’ve made plans to move to a state nearby where my dad lives for support since I cannot support myself in the expensive city I live in(one of the most expensive in US). I don’t want to tell him because I’m scared he’ll fight it so I don’t take the girls and I have to take them because he’s an unfit father. I have an emergency restraining order on him for a couple more days. How do I go about telling him this or getting some special custody agreement where I can move them out of state without his permission? Also, he’s undocumented and I don’t want him to be deported so I’m dropping the charges but he’ll still get a misdemeanor at least by CA DV laws. Help please.
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Do not drop the charges!!
Take the girls and block his number!!
Please don’t drop the charges. Please don’t prevent his deportation. **This man wants to hurt you. He wants to imprison you in a bad situation where you and your children are not safe. You need to stop trying to protect him. Every time you protect him, you’re endangering yourself and your children.**
The best thing that could happen to you would be for him to be deported so you don’t need to worry about him trying to prevent you and your children from being safe and happy.
For the time being: It is perfectly legal for you to take your children on vacation out of state. You do not need his permission. If he wants you to return the children, his recourse would be to go to court and ask for a court order forcing you to bring the kids back. He may or may not try to do that, but if he’s not willing to do that, you have no obligation to bring them back. He can also legally come find you and bring the children home himself if he is able to get possession of them. You both have the same rights right now to take your children anywhere.
California has women shelters for this reason. Call one in your area ,they will take care of you and your children. They will help you with a apartment, food ,counseling.
Don’t drop the charges. He’s violent, threatening your life, traumatizing you children. Consider his deportation a blessing. He deserves it and you don’t deserve to ever be treated that way.
No matter what don’t drop the charges!! You and your kid’s safety matter more than him. This is all his fault and he needs to face the consequences, let him be deported it would be safer for you.
You are going to have to start over. Just leave and stay with your family, you can find a new job when you are ready.
Please leave asap, you don’t deserve to be treated as a punch bag by this low life. It’s only going to get worse. Take your essential things and flee, get all your paperwork, medication and a few bits of clothing and go to your family for your own safety!
You can’t drop charges, ever. That’s up to the prosecutor/DA and I suspect the prosecutor has already picked up the case. You can be a non-cooperative witness (that likely tanks the case) but if there is enough evidence, it’s 100% out of your hands forever.
Find your local domestic violence support center. Most will be able to help you and your kids get to safety with things like gas cards/transportation fees from funding, help you coordinate a safety plan, and may even be able to provide you a worker or a police escort when you talk to him (assuming they are unableto help you leave safely without having to talk to him, although leaving without facing him is a strong possibility as well). Additionally, they will help you navigate the legality of taking your kids to safety somewhere he cannot follow in order to assure you he’ll have no case for accusing you of kidnapping. Explain what he has done to you and your children in detail and they can document his abuse so that you have that as well as the police report and arrest to support a safe custody arrangement for you and your babies.
If you need help doing this, please feel free to reach out to me privately and I can support you in identifying a DV support program.
Time is of the essence and the safety of you and your children matters more than anything else right now. If you *can* leave the home immediately, do so and call the DV center when you’re safe. This is harder if your only option is to leave out of state, in which case I recommend stopping at a hotel or rest station in state long enough to call and speak to a local DV support center, and then call them again once you’re safely in your new state, as well as a local DV center in your new state to begin support services where you are at.
The following items are your priority: essentials for the babies (diapers, formula, blankets, two sets of clothes, etc), identity documents (eg birth certificates, passports, licenses, marriage license, etc), cash or prepaid debit cards, water bottles, and medications. Everything else is non-essential and can be replaced. Even items that hold treasured memories. If you can pack more, go for it, but do not try to take your whole life with you, it isn’t going to be worth it (this is coming from both personal and professional experience).
Safety plan should include: the numbers for DV centers local to both where you are now and where you are going, the numbers for at least one trusted person who you can check in with regularly until you arrive safely at your destination plan with specific instructions to call your DV center contact and the police if you miss a check in, a crisis hotline number, and how you will get to where you are going. The more planning you do, the better, but these are the minimum safety aspects I recommend ensuring you have pre-arranged.
Once you’re safely away, you’ll want support from your new local DV center to set up health insurance, WIC/EBT or other financial aid, therapy services for yourself to have support as you process what you have been through and help you access additional necessary services as they come up, etc.
If necessary, one way to get special custody arrangements quickly is to self-refer to CPS, stating that you would like to report abuse, neglect, and endangerment by your husband, and need support in prohibiting him from being unsupervised with your children. Try to get this support from your DV center first, as CPS can be scary and involved even for cases like this.
You are doing the right thing. I know it’s terrifying, and difficult, but I promise you can get through this safely with your babies.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope leaving goes smoothly for you.
You need a lawyer
I think you need to contact a domestic violence shelter. They will let you know all the options moving forward, they even assist with setting up childcare and finding a job if that is your goals.
Do everything by the book and definitely do not drop the charges.
Real life lawyer, not Reddit.
1-do not drop the charges
2-get a permanent restraining order
3-under no circumstances do you tell ANYONE where you are going unless you are 1500000% sure they can be trusted
4-I would say if it is legal where you are and if you are comfortable with it get a taser.
5-it doesn’t matter if he’s undocumented. That stopped being your problem when he started raising his hand to you. This man is a danger to you and to your utterly defenceless child. Help your child and help yourself by throwing your “morals” aside for 5 minutes and do whatever you can to stop this man. I just wish I could physically help
You need to leave immediately! Then call a lawyer and say you are just visiting your dad. Hopefully the lawyer will help you with that. There are lawyers who will do this for free. # You need to stay alive for your children!
Don’t be stupid. Have him deported
Don’t drop the charges!!! Go visit your dad and stay there. File for divorce in your new state so that the custody will be based from your dad’s address.
If you drop the charges, you are just giving him more chances to kill you and your children. Deportation might be the safest option for your family.
Call a lawyer. Let him get deported. He is an AWFUL person.
Be safe for you and your babies.
Undocumented? Oh please. Don’t protect him just to not have him deported. He threatened your family’s life. Such people deserve to be deported
Please do not drop the charges.
If you not safe then you flee to safety no matter what. Gather and keep documentation/evidence.
Dear OP,
Lot of great advice on this thread so won’t add to that. But I will say that I’ve walked in your shoes – alcoholic father, husband who could be the sweetest person in the world but also jealous and violent and scary. We had a baby on the way, he was so excited to be a dad.
Leaving was hard and heartbreaking but the best thing I ever did for myself and the baby. I realized my grandfather had been violent; then my father; then my husband – I didnt want violence passed down onto my son like some kind of sick inheritance.
You girls will look to you to define how they expect to be treated by their future partners. I think we both know your experience is not what you wish for them.
Contact a shelter. Don’t drop the charges. Shelter can help you get in touch with a lawyer – Consult them. Fight for your babies. Good luck mama – you’ve done so many right things, you just have to keep going a little longer. ❤️
And if you have to, stay at the shelter. I dont know what you are imagining but the one I stayed at was cozy and had accomodations/facilities for babies and staff that wouldve loved to help.
Don’t drop the charges OP. File for divorce (You can submit your original petition online) and look into getting emergency custody due to his domestic abuse and alcoholism. Then you can take your children legally without issue and deal with the court for the rest. Sorry you’re going through this OP but do what you need to get you guys away from that man.
Contact a domestic abuse victim group in your area. They should have resources and legal aid to help you gain full custody of your kids (there are emergency decisions) and then you can leave.
DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES!
> I don’t want him to be deported
Isn’t that for the best? He can find you anywhere and limit your possibility of moving away with your children.
He’s undocumented? Call ICE and don’t tell him any of your plans!
You have your solution right here; don’t drop the charges, get him deported!! This man may very well kill you and your children
I took my daughter to the local DV shelter armed with hospital paperwork and police reports. The shelter paid to relocate us out of state.
Do not drop the charges. Take those babies and run as quickly as you can. You are their mother, so it is not kidnapping. And fucking have him deported so he can’t hurt you and those babies again! Honey, this is not love. This is not what love feels like. My husband has never once in 23 years ever hurt me or scared me.
>Also, he’s undocumented and I don’t want him to be deported so I’m dropping the charges but he’ll still get a misdemeanor at least by CA DV laws. Help please.
Are you stupid?! Wake up and realized that this man could kill you one day! Suck it up, be a woman and GET HIS DRUNK, VIOLENT ASS DEPORTED! Problem solved!
He’s going to kill you or your kids if you don’t act. He needs to be deported, he is a violent, dangerous alcoholic. And if he is charged and deported you will be free to move your family wherever you want without having to deal with a lot of custody shit or co-parenting with this loon.
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I’m not a lawyer, there are free legal aid services in California you can talk to to confirm exactly how to proceed. But there is no doubt in my mind if you don’t figure this out quickly one of your children or you will end up dead.
In CA you can’t drop charges. The DA takes over- it’s a way to protect victims of DV.
>Also, he’s undocumented and I don’t want him to be deported so I’m dropping the charges but he’ll still get a misdemeanor at least by CA DV laws.
It’s too bad you don’t want him to be deported because that would solve all of your problems.
You are fleeing domestic abuse, get in touch with your local DOmestic abuse unit and they can advise you and put you in touch with a lawyer. Document everything that’s he’s done in a timeline and keep all messages or anything you can use as evidence that includes taking pics of any bruising.
Get a lawyer ASAP do NOT drop the charge
Idk what “squishing” fully means but it sounds like you’re using a casual word in order to mentally distance yourself from the horror that your husband has tried to murder (or unintentionally almost murder) your children. The worst case scenario is that somehow your husband manages to get even a sliver of custody of your children and he successfully murders them.
Sounds like deportation is both him getting off easy and your miracle means of saving your children from a life of abuse (or a life cut short).
Restraining order… block their phone.. (His family) quit social media all of them. Go dark ops for a very long time, years.. move away and don’t tell even your family where you live.
Look up numbers for a DV Shelter and ask them what you can or can’t do, im sure they can help you there specially if its just with some information
Look girl, him getting deported will be a blessing. He’s not going to change, and keeping him around won’t do any good. I’m hispanic, born here and all that, but when someone comes here/or born here, and decide to waste away with drugs, alcohol, and become an abusive POS, then I say eff it, want to act like trash then you’ll be treated as such. He fucking groomed you, got you pregnant, abused you, he deserves to go back to his country and suffer. He will never be a good husband, let alone a good husband. Let him get deported and then you won’t have to fear him.
Stop reading these comments and go to a lawyer NOW. That is the only step.
If you drop the charges just leave your family some money to plan your funeral and take care of your daughters because hes going to kill you
First and foremost, file for a permanent order of protection. This will force him to stay away from you, your children and your home. Also, look into women’s shelters. Local law enforcement will have info on hand. File for divorce if you believe the relationship is unsalvageable. CA is a no fault State. Also, file for sole custody of your children.. Don’t drop charges. Get support from friends and family. A good support system is vital when escaping an abusive marriage. Record ALL instances of past abuse. Photos, audio, video, a journal, social media account, anything that can give you ammo. Abusers don’t change so don’t give him an inch. Former SFPD
Seems like the easiest thing to do is not drop the charges. If he’s not in the country he’ll have a much harder time fighting you over the kids successfully.
This man is going to kill you. I repeat; this man is going to KILL you.
My mothers best friend was in a situation similar to yours, kept forgiving her husband, and in 2020 he beat her to death. Do not drop the charges. Dont forgive him. Talk to a lawyer, and get yourself and your children safe
By staying with him and living with him, you run the risk that CPS will come knocking on your door. In my state cops are required to report to CPS any domestic violence that takes place in front of minor children.
op, it either him or your kids. The State is now involved and they WILL take your children if you stay
Drop the charges? Prevent his deportation? He will be abusing your children next.
Do not drop charges. Go talk to a lawyer, but you need to take your children and get out before this man kills you and your children.
DO NOT DROP THE CHARGES!! First of all, he deserves them 100%. Second, if he gets deported you shouldn’t have to worry about him trying to take your babies. He did this to himself. Protect yourself and your children.