Sorry for the fucking novel…
Backstory…my wife and I have been together for nearly 9 years. We met in college, dated for 3 years, and are approaching our 6th wedding anniversary. We have always had a great relationship. We’ve had our share of normal struggles that any relationship might have as you begin to build a life with someone, but nothing major.
Around May of 2021 we bought our first house, which we have been saving up for years. It needed quite a bit of remodeling, and we (mainly me) spent months getting the house remodeled before moving in a few months later. During this time, my wife had started hanging out more and more with a “work” friend (25f). At first, I thought nothing of this, and was genuinely happy she had made a new friend. I should note that I never did, and to this day have not met this friend of hers.
Around August 2021 I went on my first of many work trips that I would make over the next several months. While away on these trips her friend would come over some nights and a few times would stay until 2-3am. Even on a work night. This was a little weird to me, and along with the constant texting and some comments made about this friend, I started getting a little suspicious. I also just had a gut feeling that I was being lied to. At one point I actually confronted her about it, told her how I felt, and asked if there might be more going on between this friend. She said no, and was annoyed that I would even think that. She even said especially with a girl, and then questioned me like I was stupid to assume she might have an intimate relationship with a girl. I tried believing her, and moving on. I made attempts to have my wife invite her friend to gatherings at our house and when going out with a group of friends, but she was conveniently not available. She only ever seemed to be available when I was out of town or busy doing something else.
Fast forward a few more months…I still can’t shake this feeling that I’m being lied to. After a little digging, and “spying” (not proud of this, but sometimes you have to lookout for yourself) I find out that this girl does not work with my wife, and that they had met on a dating app in June 2021. Presumably during the time that I was working a full time job and fixing our new house on the weekends. I overheard a FaceTime call in which they talked about intimate things they had done. I caught my wife sneaking around, and going to her mom’s house with this girl in the middle of the day when no one was home.
I’ve confronted her a few times about it, but she continues to deny and tell me I have it all wrong. It usually ends in an argument, and I almost ended our relationship during the last one. Since then she agreed to stop seeing her “friend” and we’re trying to move forward, but things just seem off now. I have so many questions still, and have not received a real apology. I’ve never experienced depression and anxiety until now. Some days are great and things feel back to normal, but others are a struggle. I’m afraid to bring it up again because I don’t want to fight. We don’t have sex much anymore, and now I’m insecure that it’s because she prefers being with a woman. I’m questioning everything, and just want things to go back to normal. We’ve talked about couples therapy, but it’s not in our budget at the moment. I’m worried I won’t be able to get over this.
TLDR: wife cheated. won’t admit it. I’ve forgiven her, but I’m afraid we can’t move past this.
42 comments
Time for divorce.
Grow some balls and divorce her lying, cheating ass.
This is not a hard situation.
You’re just pissing into the wind otherwise.
You say you’ve forgiven her but she hasn’t really apologized. That needs to happen. She needs to just tell you everything and apologize specifically. And atone. You deserve that.
If you can’t afford therapy, then get a book or two with exercises to do together. There are books specifically for couples who have gone through exactly what you two went through.
Marriage is work, especially when there has been such a huge breach of trust. As you said, there you were, working your job and on the house, while she was going behind your back and being intimate with someone else. That would break most marriages. If yours is going to work, you both will need to commit to doing the hard work. Good luck. You deserve to be happy and secure.
You move past this by contacting a lawyer and getting a divorce.
Very shitty situation. I’d tell her that you’d like to sit down and talk things out. Clear the air completely. Tell her you want to work things out but can’t stop overthinking about what may have happened. Ask her to tell it in her own words, take her time. You may learn a few things that might improve your relationship. (Example: she may like different things sexually but wasn’t sure how to discuss it with you). If she gets upset and doesn’t want to discuss it at all, then to me that’s your sign that she doesn’t want to fix things and that it might be time to move on. Communication is key. My partner and I have been through everything over the last 12y, and the only reason we’re still together and happy is through communication. Hopefully you can work things out, but don’t be scared to leave if you have to. Life is too short to be depressed, unhappy and anxious all the time.
What exactly have you forgiving her for? She refuses to admit to anything happening even though it’s obvious what happened from the dating site to the frequent get together and doing so at her mother’s house when no one was home. So I repeat what are you forgiving? Time to just cut bait and leave. There is no future with her that doesn’t come with drama and pain.
Are you in couple’s counseling at all
If you know they met on a dating app, and your wife still denies it, im somehow sure that if you manage her to confess, she most likely will want a divorcement just caused of embarrassment.
If you want a divorce it seems like you would have enough on hand to prove that she cheated.
The key question for me would be, do you feel like you will be able to ever trust her again?
If your answer is no i would file for divorcement.
If your answer is yes and you really want to continue, then i wouldnt dig any further, it will just cost energie and hurt you two a lot.
The issue i would see for myself that without her confessing i wouldnt be able to trust again.
you love her enough to still want to stay despite her lying to you and cheating on you.
does she love you enough to just own up to her mistakes and apologise to give you the closure you need in order to move on from this?
i suggest you really sit down with her and try to bring this up, sincerely telling her that you really need her to address this issue to give you some closure. look at her reactions, and i believe those reactions should tell you what you should do next. if she apologises and opens up to you, then there’s something worth saving there. if she starts screaming and shouting and wailing about how you keep bringing it up and should let it go, you should leave.
good luck and all the best to you.
Divorce her cheating proud ass but don’t move out in case of divorce. I repeat, don’t move out. This shit looks nice and dandy in romantic movies for chicks but reality is far different.
The other option is, of course, a threesome.
I’m not saying this relationship isn’t salvageable, but her lack of ownership is a huge problem. I doubt you two can really move forward unless she admits to her indiscretion. Also, do you know for a fact that she stopped seeing this person? If she is also sexually attracted to women, that doesn’t just stop suddenly because she got caught cheating. It’s also possible that she has discovered she is only into women…hence your lacklustre marital sex life. I really think you two need to prioritize getting into therapy. Cut out whatever expenses you have to in order to make it work. And, if it’s really not doable, maybe look into some workbooks you two can start together. You’re both going to have to be very intentional about wanting this relationship to work. And, honestly, her inability to take responsibly is not a good sign.
As a side note, I’d also go see a lawyer. Just in case.
I don’t see how y’all be wanting to stay with liars and cheaters
Wow. You built a life and remodeled a house with a cheater. Now you living the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ (google it).
You can’t move past her cheating because somewhere inside you know that the relationship is over. Try being selfish and taking care of yourself for once. Get a lawyer. Send her back to the dating apps.
Some dating apps have friendship feature and you can only meet friends. But in your case, just gather all the evidence, get a lawyer, and divorce. You’re still young, don’t waste time on someone who isn’t loyal to you.
So, no ironclad proof she cheated, but most signs point that way. You want to work things out, but from the way you’re describing this your wife does not seem to be willing to.
Relationships take 100% effort from both parties. If one party doesn’t put in the effort, it’s time to evaluate why and most of the time probably move on. Again, from what you’re describing, it’s probably headed in that direction.
Now, you’re married. The house is probably in both your names? Finances are shared? I’m guessing you live in the States, like most people who post in this subreddit?
It’s time to prepare. untangle your finances as much as you can. Get legal council, find out if you’re in one of those at fault states where cheating weighs heavily in the divorce proceedings. If you have or can get access to her phone, might want to check that without her knowing, get screenshots of any evidence you need etc. Forward that to your phone then delete the conversation so she’s none the wiser. Maybe hire a P.I. if you can and want to afford to.
It’s a lot of drama stuff focussing on splitting up. But it’s better to be prepared than left standing confused and fleeced in court.
My advice? Without honesty, there’s no trust. Without trust, there’s no future.
Believe me, I have been there. My husband cheated, got caught, we went through counseling, worked it out, he was sorry, he loved me, blah blah blah. I was stupid enough to believe him.
Of course he did it again.
You divorce this woman dude, there is literally no other way forward from here.
UpdateMe!
She is rug sweeping, and you have given her zero consequences to her actions. Thus she just wants to walk away and pretend like nothing happened. My suggestion is hire and attorney m, put together a postnuptial agreement. Basically stating that if any infidelity occurs naming what that is and types, during the divorce she will walk away with zero accumulated assets in the marriage, and will pay alimony. Once you have this document. Make her a very nice dinner, and during dinner tell her exactly how you feel. Say I love you and I want this to work, however, what you did broke the covenant of our marriage and vows. It is either we setup a postnup like this, or we get a divorce. Slide the papers to her. Then walk away. Let her mull over that. You gave her options, told her you love her and want to be with her, however you will never be second to anyone in this relationship ever again. It hits all the buckets.
Dump.
Her.
>I’ve confronted her a few times about it, but she continues to deny and tell me I have it all wrong. It usually ends in an argument, and I almost ended our relationship during the last one. Since then she agreed to stop seeing her “friend” and we’re trying to move forward, but things just seem off now.
Bro…. if she can’t even admit to what she’s done (and therefore is still lying to you about it), there’s no way she’s going to take any responsibility, feel any guilt, or be able to repent.
Cheating is one thing, but the part that really hurts relationships is the deception and breakage of trust….. and in your case, even after getting caught that is STILL GOING ON.
So she is a conniving and systematic cheater who nevr admitted or apologised and plans on doing it again.
Of course youre not going to get over it, its still an issue.
A lot of people justify same sex bisexual cheating as “not really cheating” etc to themselves.
I would just tell her you know she’s been cheating with this woman. And leave. She will only admit what she did if there are real consequences. You can’t move forward to either mend things or get closure to divorce without her admitting what you already know.
Divorce, anyrhing less will be a long time pain
Cut your losses and file for divorce.
You can’t move on if your wife isn’t open and honest about what she did. She also hasn’t apologized. You’re not going to get the happy ending you’re looking for.
You can’t move past this till the last lie has been told. She is unwilling to tell the truth and isn’t remorseful.
If you decide to rug-sweep this and stay, you’ll never forget this moment as it’ll be the day you look back on in disgust of yourself after finding out she is still cheating or has a new AP.
Also, get tested for STDs.
How do you “forgive” someone for something they refuse to acknowledge ever doing? That’s really not how it works. If you actually want to heal and move past this, the first thing she needs to do is come clean and acknowledge it whole-heartedly.
Honestly at this point, I would file for a divorce. It sounds like she’s never going to admit any wrong-doing and will, in all likelihood, continue to find ways of cheating on you. Nine years is a long time, but the rest of your life is even longer.
I hate when people post stuff like this. Let me explain. You can’t move forward because she has you trapped in a limbo like state. See the fact that she refuses to admit it makes it impossible for you to move forward because there is a unresolved conflict that is a MAJOR issue that cannot be left in this current status. All you both are doing is prolonging the pain. Honestly the cheating would be enough for me to leave. The lying and now the lack of empathy to admit what we both know I know you did as I found the dating app you met her on only is the icing. She isn’t showing you any respect or love and you want to continue this relationship that you admit has had you depressed and insecure since about this time last year?
Can’t even about R until she completely remorseful for her actions. Might want to give her a poke by see a lawyer and having her served papers. Being served is a real eye opener. Good luck
She cheated, lied, lies, manipulated and continues to manipulate you
Pick yourself up by the balls document everything you have showing infidelity and anything else to secure yourself for the coming divorce stop bringing it up grab a lawyer and get ready for divorce do it now you’re stoll young sound to be stable for yourself and I’m going to assume that this divorce although painful is going to just be the next chapter in the story of your life
I’ve been through similar it sucks its hard but follow your gut and do what you know is right for yourself
I think you should figure out a way to get couples therapy into your budget.
Time for a divorce. She’s not willing to be honest so how can you ever work through this and trust her again?
Sorry but if she’s not even admiring there is an issue and is more in to gaslighting you, then cut her loose, I don’t understand it will drive you crazy
I just don’t think there’s any way for real healing or repair of trust if she refuses accountability or honesty.
You can’t reconcile and heal if only one person participates.
If you can’t move past this without the truth, then you need to tell your WS that fact.
Before you do that, see a lawyer and understand the divorce process, make sure you and your assets, kids, etc are protected
Don’t argue about it, as she uses the arguments to defect from having to answer your questions.
Tell her you have spoken to a lawyer, that know a lot more than she thinks, and you want a written timeline of what happened.
If anything is left out, you will have her served.
You don’t have to prove anything. A relationship is between two people and if you’re sure that she cheated on you with this person that she met on a dating app, then you just divorce her. You can do this unilaterally. The fact that she met her on a dating app means her cutting contact with them is immaterial, she can just whistle up another casual fuck buddy the same way.
This will never go back to normal, and you will just spend your years wishing for it to until you give up.
Until she can face the fact that her actions were stepping out on the marriage, you two can’t move forward. She needs to recognize that her behavior is the issue if she’s ever going to change things, and atm she’s behaving more like a toddler being forced to apologize.
Honestly it’s over dude why stay with someone you don’t trust. She’ll never admit it and she’s fine with that because she doesn’t love you anymore and clearly enjoys you being hurt with confusion and heartbreak.
You’re still young and as much as it hurts to know your marriage failed, through not fault of your own, you can find some better and start over with a foundation of truth and love rather than staying with cracks on the old foundation
Dude. Stop. Just stop.
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There is no “we” here. There is you. There is her. How do you move on if she can’t be honest? You’re being vulnerable and she’s being dismissive. You’re never going to move on from this because you both aren’t on the same page. You don’t even want to deal with the infidelity because you’re afraid of losing her. You’ve already lost her. Deep down, you know this. So you’re avoiding the hurt and wanting to move on to being past it. Sorry, life doesn’t work that way. It’s eating you alive.
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You’re letting her treat you like shit when you’ve confirmed she’s constantly lying. Even if there wasn’t any physical cheating. There is emotional cheating and the deceit. Why isn’t that enough to be a serious talk?
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You haven’t forgiven her. You’re clinging on to someone who clearly doesn’t respect you. What you’re doing is unhealthy and until you confront reality, you can’t move past it.
She still hasn’t apologized and technically never even admitted she cheated? Why are you with this woman?
You built a house. You work full time. You deserve someone who will genuinely appreciate your love. You are still young and I promise you will find a loving partner. Because you are a good person, one who works hard to provide.