My sibling is gender fluid and my family has known about this for a while. I think that my parents have definitely had a hard time understanding where my sibling is coming from. I have quite progressive and liberal parents, but I think it’s easy to understand that when things hit your own life they can be more difficult to process. (They wouldn’t admit this but they definitely thought being gender fluid was just a phase for a long time and honestly, sometimes I think they still imagine it’s just because my sibling is “artsy and weird.”)
Recently my sibling has stated that they want to change their name. I talked to them about it privately (I am their older sister and only sibling) and they said that they don’t feel comfortable with their name anymore because it is a very feminine-sounding name and definitely is more related to being a woman in our society. They told my parents this fact with me there and you could tell that they were visibly uncomfortable with the idea.
Last night, my sibling was at work and I brought up the name change and my parents reacted a lot more emotionally than I originally expected. I’m not saying I’m not empathetic to their feelings because they are their child and I’m sure it’s difficult for them to see their child not wanting the name they were given anymore. However, what bothered me is that they kept deflecting everything I was telling them. I told them that my sibling doesn’t dislike their name necessarily, but they don’t feel comfortable with it because they feel it doesn’t fit them and it gives people an image of them that they don’t feel is consistent with themselves. My dad kept saying “I worked hard on that name, it wasn’t something I just came up with willy nilly, it has meaning behind it.” He also went into their room last night & said “X is the name of my baby, it’s a good name and it means a lot to me,” which honestly I find disgusting because that is so clearly just manipulation to try and not get them to do it out of guilt.
My mom on the other hand is a high school teacher currently but has also taught middle school and just kept saying that she’s seen other kids go through this and that it affects more than just the individual that wants to change their name. My parents kept saying they have tried to be supportive of my sibling in their life, but sometimes it seems as though they still think it is some kind of phase even though my sibling is almost 18 and has felt this way for years now (i’ve known longer than they have).
I truly feel as though they are letting their fears and worries about other people’s opinions affect my sibling and they are putting others’ feelings above theirs. I feel for them, but you don’t get a sticker for being accepting of your child, that’s what parents are supposed to do. Sadly not everyone does, but it was clear that the name change is a step too far for them and I am still a little upset that they can’t see past themselves and possibly others’ opinions. I know this must be hard for them, but I also know how much harder this has been for my sibling and it feels like they are making it about them. I am angry over this and I don’t want to be angry at my parents but I’m a little annoyed at how all of a sudden their child doesn’t fit their mold and they can’t handle it.
TL:DR – I’m mad at my parents for not respecting my siblings wishes and seemingly making remarks around who they are that feel manipulative and uncaring.
edit: My sibling is almost 18, definitely old enough to know who they are
4 comments
How old is your sibling? Why are you talking to your parents about this instead of them?
They may get used to it with time. Just start using your sibling’s chosen name once they have a chosen name. Let your parents do what they want. Your relationship with your sister is the only one you can manage. If your parents give you grief for it, then that becomes part of your relationship with your parents and you can say things like, “Yes, that was the name of your baby, but you don’t have a baby any more, and I want to treat my sibling with respect.” Honestly, I am surprised they are throwing such a fit. I know so many people who don’t use the name their parents gave them, and it generally hasn’t been such a big deal. I think it’s a proxy issue for them in that they don’t really get that their child is non-binary. And I understand that. I’m of an older generation. We did not grow up knowing that was possible. It’s hard to adjust to. But hopefully with time they will get more used to it. I’m not excusing their current bad behavior, but just noting that a lot of people do adjust and do better with time.
I think what they’re really feeling is that they’re worried that they don’t know the person you’re sibling has become/is becoming. They’re not just scared about public opinion, they’re scared that the person they thought existed doesn’t and is being replaced by someone new. They spent years raising this person a certain way based on information they thought they had, and then found it was wrong. The name is just an easy to latch onto part of that, and may feel like the last thing about your sibling that they currently understand and have a connection to. I think they’re worried that the connection won’t last, so they’re pushing back, which of course will only guarantee that it does happen.
It’s that rational? No. Your sibling will always be who they are. But it’s not always easy to think logically about your own child. Maybe that’s a conversation that needs to happen?
You’re allowed to be mad or disappointed in your parents, but you really should take a step back unless they ask for your input. You’ve said your piece but parenting decisions are up to them.
Focus on supporting your sibling and call them by whatever name they want. Many, many people use a name or nickname that is not on their birth certificate.
You said the desired name change is recent. Give your parents some time.