Weird situation with new man and his daughter
I (33F) started dating this guy (32M) about 6 months ago who has a 10 year old daughter. I didn’t meet her for the first 6 weeks or so, but then he introduced us. She stayed in his walk in closet on an air mattress at the time. She has her own room, but didn’t like to sleep in there. It didn’t matter at the time because it was like her own room with a door. Then, she started staying on a mattress on his floor a few nights a week while I was there. It was weird to me, but he made it seem like a sleepover to her and I’ve never dated a single dad so I had no frame of reference. The last few weeks she has been sleeping every night in the room with us. Not only that, but he got rid of the bed frame and pushed the two beds together. She has been saying things like “he’s my daddy” and asking him to sleep on bed with her and leave me alone. I said something to him about her going into middle school and needing to stay in her own room. We cleaned her room and even put away the second bed in his room and brought back the bed frame yesterday, with the idea that she would sleep in her own room. Last night when we went to his bedroom, she was laying on the bed. He wanted all of us to sleep in the bed together rather than at least pull out the other mattress. If I’m not there, they sleep in the bed together.
I feel weird about it. She’s 10. If I was her mom, I would feel really weird about the situation. I know any teacher in middle school that hears a 10 year old sleeps with her dad every night is going to have questions and possibly call child protection.
The other problem is that he is different to me when she is around. Less loving and affectionate. It’s like he doesn’t want her to know how much he cares about me. It wasn’t the same when we started dating. And she used to like me more. It’s like now that he stopped being so open about liking me, she stopped liking me.
If you were in my situation, what would you do? If you were her mom, how would you feel? If you’re a dad, how would you want a new-ish girlfriend to address this?
42 comments
All people are different. My daughter sleeps in my room often because she has extreme anxiety, and will sometimes get in the bed with, though less and less frequently hopefully. We dont know what kind of trauma the child has endured and can only guess as to either of their frames of mine. Guy is probably trying to protect his daughter and you getting in the middle of that isnt likely to end well for you… as far as CPS getting involved, just no.
You’re making his weird behavior seem normal he was nice at first but it wasn’t real it was manipulation. This is how he really is. He created her affinity to cling on him and he has come across people who think it’s weird and he got a gf. Lots of men get a gf to smooth over weird stuff they’re doing some make you their wife. If you have a problem then leave people rarely act how they did in the beginning again anyways
Red flag tbh. His daughter sounds codependent on her dad and he’s enabling that with the sleeping arrangements, and treating you less affectionately when she’s around because that’s what she seems to want.
I would attempt to speak to him about it but if you’re not in too deep and don’t see things going the distance with this man, I would suggest you just bail. This seems like a huge obstacle to overcome and you’re unlikely to get a positive response given it’s essentially a critique of his parenting style.
>I know any teacher in middle school that hears a 10 year old sleeps with her dad every night is going to have questions and possibly call child protection.
Would they question it if it was mom?
Trust your instincts.
IMO, 6 weeks is way too early for him to have introduced his daughter to you, but that is besides the point. Sounds like you are spending the night with him often for you to observe all of this? Perhaps his daughter is overwhelmed by the fact that there is a new(ish) woman sleeping in the same bed she was used to sharing with her father?
I would be extremely uncomfortable having my daughter sleep in the same bed with my ex and a new woman. Wouldn’t fly at all.
But, it doesn’t sound like this is not going to stop anytime soon, you know what is best for you.
I’m a single dad raising two kids on my own. I have two daughters (one is a tween. The other is 8). My eight year old is not like this at all. This seems to be a red flag.
Then again, I *never* introduce women who I date to my daughters until I know they could be the one. So far, no woman has passed muster. My daughters are that precious as much as my 13 year old daughter demands I go out and “date more.”
In my opinion, I wouldn’t be ready for sleepovers at his house while she was with him. She’s clearly not comfortable with sharing her dad yet, and there are better ways to ease into the situation. And while I agree that she should probably be in her own room, I’m sure there are reasons why she isn’t, but at the end of the day, that’s between her and her father. You have no say in this. And lastly, if this isn’t a situation you’re comfortable with, it’s okay to say so and take a step back.
My 10 year old will still crawl into bed with me sometimes and my boyfriend’s 10/12 year olds occasionally sleep in bed with him if they are having a rough night. I don’t think that’s too weird. But him acting different would bother me. It’s also weird she was sleeping in his closet!
Honestly (and I don’t mean it the wrong way) maybe he brought you around the daughter way too early and having sleepovers this soon is probably too much for her. Kids act out in weird ways, my daughter wasn’t thrilled at all when she first met my boyfriend. She was so incredibly jealous.
I will never date a single father again for this reason, it’s a nightmare that doesn’t end lol
I had to walk away and I’d rather die alone then date a single father again.
I don’t think the sleeping in the closet thing is weird, but her sleeping in the room with you is weird, I just wouldn’t do it.
The guy that had a kid that I was with had zero boundaries with his daughter too.
I’ve found single men with sons are less weird and annoying than the ones with daughters
Didn’t introduce my kids to my fiance until I had been dating her for a year. They adore her, as do I.
I used to ball my eyes out with anxiety in the middle of the night in my own room when I lived with my dad and his new partner and baby. I was younger in this instance. Children can be weird and strange and are immature emotionally. I think I was jealous too. He’s probably just doing the best he can. Maybe recommend some counselling for the girl. Unfortunately I was just smacked by my dad when I was like this.
Woah what an irresponsible father. You’re right to feel weird it IS weird. You need to build a lot of trust with someone before ever getting to a place like this. This guy barely knows you, no offense but it’s careless.
If I was the mother I’d be so angry.
Don’t be complacent.
Wow, he introduced you after 6 weeks and he allows you to sleep there when she’s there already? No, this is not okay, especially her sleeping in the room with you and the fact he shares a bed with her alone when you aren’t there. This is so unhealthy and wrong. I have 2 kids and if my ex had slept with our daughter in the bed at 10 I would’ve lost my shit. That is totally unacceptable
I don’t think it’s concerning that it’s a male regarding the sleeping arrangements.
It’s more so the codependency and not setting boundaries early on to cultivate independent sleeping habits. As well as the fact that he introduced you at 6 weeks and then felt like it was normal for you all to co-sleep in the same room.
You’re not going to be comfortable with that and neither will his daughter.
These are red flags as if you continued to date and potentially had kids if you even want them.
He needs to be better at respecting boundaries, and placing boundaries regarding his and her life.
I am a single father and have a 6yo daughter who sleeps with me on occasion. She is tucked in under the blankets while I sleep on top of the blankets with a body pillow separating us. Not because I think it’s inappropriate for her to sleep on my bed, but because the kid moves in her sleep too damn much for me to get any rest!
She is very much a daddy’s girl and I adore and cherish that like crazy because I know she wont be in this stage forever!
I too worry about her being jealous/clingy in the event I bring another woman into my life.
But even more distressing to me would be if that new woman didn’t understand how attached little girls can be to their daddies and took issue with it – rather than recognizing what a great father this guy must be if his daughter feels so close to him.
Be careful with this because I know who I’d choose if it came down to it!
Eventually this little girl won’t be as clingy to her dad. Age 10? She is likely nearing the end of this stage. I for one am in no hurry for mine to get there!
A kid sleeping with their parent is not weird. What’s weird is the kid having to contend with her dad’s new girlfriend sleeping over at just 6 weeks into the relationship. This is a major red flag to me. It sounds to me like this child is having anxiety about having to “share” her dad with you and at this point you are virtually a stranger to her. I would not feel comfortable meeting someone’s kid that soon (I would never introduce someone to my child that quickly) and I would especially be uncomfortable to be seen as a wedge between a child and their parent. This merits a serious conversation with your boyfriend — not about the sleeping arrangements, but about your relationship and how his daughter feels about this whole situation.
Deleted my original comment because you seem to be downvoting everyone who gives you feedback, and your post history is all over the place. You’ve posted this on several subs and it’s been deleted by other mods, too many inconsistences to understand what your motives are.
Scary. You should not have even met the child yet, let alone be cleaning her room. How confusing for her! The minute he tried to introduce you to his daughter you should have dipped. The minute he tried to get you to sleep in the same room together you should have dipped. All these red flags – trust your gut!
It’s not uncommon for children to sleep in there parents bed occasionally at that age. That being said, this is over the top, and there is something wrong here.
Kid is just jealous of you and afraid you’ll steal her dad from her, it’s perfectly normal behavior for kids with only 1 parent.
Your gut is screaming at you right now: listen to it.
Him introducing you after a mere 6 weeks is already a reason to be cautious.
I slept in my parents bed till I was like 12 lol The biggest red flag I see here is meeting his daughter so soon, I don’t think that’s good for children. I think it should be about 6 months or a year in.
The last guy I (39f) dated was similar, though he (37m) and his son (13m) weren’t AS close.
He was supposed to have his son every other weekend, but insisted on having him every weekend. He introduced me to his son the first week we dated. Son is funny, sweet, smart kid.
They live in a 1 bedroom tiny home and the bed has no doors. When the kid is there, the kid gets the bed, no exceptions. My ex would sleep on the couch and I was welcome to join him if I wanted to stay over. There is direct line of sight between couch and bed by about 10ft of distance. He’d still initiate sex, regardless.
Any day off went to his son. Any extra cash went to his son. Gifts I’d buy my ex (shirts, shoes, pajama bottoms, etc) his son would take or he’d give to him.
5 months in, summer came and he had his son more than 50% of the time. I had never spent more than 12hrs with the man one on one. I asked, for my bday, if I could have a Saturday night alone with just him(ex) and Sunday, since Sunday was his only day off. He threw a fit and said I was taking his son from him and he doesnt get enough time as it is. He said if his grandparents take his kid to a ball game one weekend, then he would give me that time slot.
It really made me feel shitty because he made me feel like I was asking him to be a bad father for me.
He asked me to help him get $250 tickets to a concert of a band we both like. After agreeing to do so, he informs me that he and his son will have such a great time. He didn’t even ask if I’d like to go too.
Right before we ended things, his son had a bday coming up. We got him a few gifts and we were excited to see him. He doesn’t have many friends and it was just his dad and him, so when my ex left for work I went out and decorated the entire house in bday stuff and filled the bed with spicy chips and snacks for a pre-bday surprise. I then left for them to discover when he brought his kid home.
The next day was the plan for me to come over at noon to celebrate his kid’s actual birthday. I brought an additional gift, but I also asked where were the other two gifts I had left here for him? Well, he already gave them to his kid earlier that morning.
…okay…so what about the tickets? Let’s tell him now…
Nope, my ex told him about those that morning, too.
I have two girls that are my world and of course they will always be #1 to me; however, I will never intentionally make my partner FEEL like they’re not my priority.
This was the straw that broke me. I felt like a checkbook he could fuck.
It was a no-win situation for me, which is sad because we worked so well together in nearly every other aspect. To him, the goal was to end up as a family, so when I’d request time for us alone, I was pushing his son out, which means I must not really want to come together as a family. He resented me for it. He refused to see it any other way.
If I had to deal with that AND the kid not liking me, AND the father icing me out when around the kid too? You have come much further than I would have.
This is not ok. And I would either discuss it with him so he can change it or leave.
She shouldn’t be in the bed with both of you. It’s fine for her to sleep in the bed with her dad. If she was a boy you probably wouldn’t bat an eye. I’m a single mom. I wouldn’t have my daughter in bed with a new boyfriend but she can sleep with me whenever she wants and if that is our routine I wouldn’t have my new boyfriend spend the night. When I was wanting him to spend the night I’d start working on transitioning her to her room. If a new bf pestered me to disrupt my routine with my daughter I would balk at that. Just my point of view…
Though embarrassing to admit, I slept with my Mom and Dad until I was about 11. I would always start off in my bed with the best of intentions but my overactive imagination would conjure up a million scary reasons to retreat to my parents room. My nephew (10 years old) will sometimes wake up his Mom when he is having trouble and they will sleep on the sofa together. There could definitely be many non creepy reasons why this situation is as it is.
As a mother, I wouldn’t be too happy about the situation tbh. I would be nervous about her witnessing or finding inappropriate things just by being in the bedroom so long. It’s hard to say not knowing the full situation but it definitely feels like something is off. Everyone is different but I personally always regret when I don’t trust my gut.
my boyfriend has an 8 year old. He also is less affectionate to me when his son is around. Although his son is fine sleeping in a room by himself, my bf does want his son around a lot. They are only young once, I respect completely his desire to experience as much of this fleeting period of his child’s life as possible. As for your guy’s daughter being “too old” to sleep with you guys… I hate the idea of labeling father daughter interactions as inappropriate when they aren’t. My most comforting memory with my father was as a 22 yr old when my dad scooped me up after a devastating breakup, put me on his lap, and just held me like a little girl. If it were me, I would let them have their relationship. If she’s 14 and still in bed with y’all, have a talk then.
As for treating you different, I think they are just overly sensitive to potentially making their child feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t bother me. He finds ways to sneak kisses and grabs when his son is around. He will lighten up over time, I promise.
She’s probably responding this way because of the way you were introduced so quickly, which makes me wonder – how long has he been divorced? How many other women has he introduced his daughter to? Does he have her full-time, and if not, why is he spending time with you on his “dad nights”? If they only have a limited amount of time together, it should be time spent together, not with a new partner in the mix.
Kids often go through a clingy phase around that age, especially when going through a big transition like divorce. The standard advice is to not introduce a new partner until your relationship has been stable for 6 months, and not have sleepovers while the kid is around until 6 months after that.
If I was the mum, I would be deeply upset by all of this. If I was you, I would say, “hey, I can see that this situation is causing friction with your kid, let’s dial back and only spend time together on your kid free nights, with the three of us going on the occasional daytime outing together until she’s more comfortable with the situation.”
I sometimes fall asleep in my girls’ beds watching a movie, until they throw me out for snoring.
He should fix boundaries, he’s probably a loving father but that sort of arrangement is unsustainable, would suggest talking to him about it if you really like the guy, else I would move on.
Father of 3, separated for a little less than a year and soon to be divorced.
50/50 schedule, my kids (10 yo boy, 8 yo girl, and 5 yo boy) will often have sleepovers in my room and sometimes share the bed with me. Since the split they have been craving extra attention so its a treat for them.
I can’t imagine introducing anyone to them to in only 6 weeks. More than that my time with the kids is limited so it is about them. I have half of my time for dating that doesn’t impact my kids.
You two are obviously past that, so at this point I think it’s absolutely normal for him to not be as affectionate with you when his daughter is around.
You are the adult, you have the intellect and maturity to recognize that his behavior doesn’t reflect his true feelings for you but are a way for him to try not to upset his daughter. She’s going through a lot, her parents split and then when she was used to having her fathers undivided attention she is now splitting it with you.
My suggestion would be to not sleep over when she is there if he has joint custody, you have half the nights in that case. If you two are serious, which it sounds like you are, then he should explain this to his daughter. But that’s HIS choice on how and when to do it.
I can imagine it sucks to hear you need to come second but if you’re serious about this guy then be patient. She will be a teenager soon and want to do her own thing.
6 weeks is far too early to introduce any child. You’re still getting to know each other.
Way too early. Kid probably jealous too
I wouldn’t be okay with my kid sleeping in the same room. If I had a child I would talk to them about what’s going on in my adult dating life and reassure them that nothing has changed within our relationship. I think he needs to talk to his child about it. You can’t really do much honestly. Except maybe suggest he and his child have a talk about what’s going on. Idk. I haven’t dated anyone with a child to know how to deal with the situation.
My almost 10 year old son still sleeps in my bed. He’s always been a Velcro child. I haven’t pushed him to sleep in his own room and figure he will do it when he is ready. Just as my daughter finally did around 10 or 11 years old. I also wouldn’t be having my boyfriend sleep over with my kids at home let alone have us all sleep in the same bed or same room.
I mean first of all you’ve only been dating this guy 6 weeks… maybe slow your roll a bit. This isn’t all about you. And the feelings of a child kind of trump your feelings as an adult, especially when you’re such a new addition to their life..
Second.. yeah, she’s 10. She is still a kid and it sounds like she is having a rough time seeing her dad with a new woman. You are a threat to her sense of normalcy right now. She is probably scared she is going to lose her dad to you.
Honestly it does sound like he should make some changes, but I don’t think it has anything to do with moving the beds together.
It sounds like you guys moved too quickly, that he got wrapped up in the attention and care he’s received from you and didn’t take the time to allow his daughter to process any of it, or get to know you slowly before you were a constant presence in her home…
In my opinion you should both take a step back from things, still see each other if you want but maybe not so much time at the house… and give her time to adjust, and build trust in you before you are sleeping over when she is there. Give him space to focus on his kid who is at a really vulnerable age at the moment. It’s also kind of the last bit of time that he will get when she’s still very much a kid and her dad is her whole world.
I don’t find it odd that she sleeps in his bed, or is so clearly attached. She’s 10. If she was a teenager or there were other sketchy things then yeah sure. But what you are describing on its own is not sketchy and actually sounds more like a child who is screaming for her dads attention because she is terrified of all the changes happening.
I slept in the bed with my parents up until I was 14 because I was afraid to sleep alone. (Note: I have terrible nightmares) That can be the case. I don’t find it weird especially if they allowed the habit from when she was a young age.
Just talk to him about it because it could get in the way of being intimate. My dad and mom had to kick me out at times because I would interrupt their bonding time. 😂
Most men act a little different when there kids are around I’ve experienced that too.
My sons almost 12 and crawls into bed with me sometimes same with my daughter who’s almost 13. It may stem from something that happened (divorce)or anxiety. Possibly just out of habit. I completely understand how your uncomfortable. I would be too. I wouldn’t do that. I’d say once you get this all figured out give me a call
Give the kid a break, it’s her father and she’s having a hard time adjusting. If I were you I would pull way back and not stay the night there for a long time. It’s their deal to work and at this point is honestly none of your business.
Not really related to this conversation but this thread is surprising me how many people think it’s strange for kids to co-sleep with their parents as a blanket statement.
10 years old is like 4/5 grade. I’m not saying that it’s great for the kid to do it everyday. I’m saying that it seems like even the idea that the kid sleeps with the dad sometimes is something people are against.