Advice on how to go no-contact with a narcissist mother and enabling father. Heartbroken.

Hi, reddit. First time asking for advice, so if I’m not providing enough information, let me know.

**Relevant info:** I (30f) have been weaning my narcissist mother (56 f) out of my life ever since I graduated college at 25. I live several states away and am fully financially independent. I have one sister who is also financially independent, and she is aware of my actions and supporting me. I told her that she is free to have *whatever* relationship with our mother, so long as she doesn’t become her flying monkey, and it will not impact our relationship (she and I are very close). We were raised in an emotionally abusive household that had rare, but there, occasions of physical abuse as well. We have both been slowly pulling away from their influence for about five years. We only see our folks during the holiday gatherings with my grandma (who is very sweet. Adore her).

**The story:** I traveled home this weekend for a cousin’s wedding, and my sister and I stayed with our parents the day before the ceremony. During our stay, my dad (58 m) and I, were talking politics about the Roe V Wade ruling (which we are horrified by), and then slowly started talking about other stuff. We disagree politically on some things. One of those things is how to best make education more accessible. So we were having a civil discussion about how to solve student debt at the college level, especially for those in poverty.

When mom feels like she’s not involved in discussion, she interrupts to stop it. When I was young, she’d yell at me and friends to quiet down until we had to whisper. So I stopped bringing friends over. As I grew up, she’d insult my intelligence or call me childish or any other insult she could think of. Now, I guess since her husband was the one talking with me, she decided to randomly vacuum the clean kitchen floor next to us.

Instead of stopping the discussion, we kept talking. This bothered her, so she started to chime in, but I couldn’t hear her over the vacuum. She turned it off. Unprompted, she told us that if a poor person wanted an education, they could serve in the military for it. I disagreed and told her that meant that if a kid was born poor, did well as a student but not well enough for a scholarship, that the only way they could enter the workforce at the non-retail level without taking on a lot of student debt would be to risk their life for college education. I said that I didn’t agree with that, morally. She responded by saying that she’d rather have them die than pay for any of their education in taxes and laughed about it. I gave her a chance to clarify, thinking that she was trying to ‘joke.’ (Most of her ‘jokes’ are troubling statements like that.) But she doubled down and she laughed in my face and said that she supports having them “die for their education.”

So I got pissed, yelled at her, and told her that thought was abhorrent. She claimed “this is why people can’t talk to each other anymore” referring to politics. I told her no, I could talk to someone who didn’t agree with me politically (dad), but there was nothing to say to someone who thought death was the fix for poverty. I told her that I couldn’t look at her face, and I left and went into the guest room to cooldown. She followed and apologized for “upsetting me.” Which, you know, isn’t actually an apology. When I told her that her opinion was what upset me, and that an apology wouldn’t work so long as the opinion stayed, she doubled down again. I told her that her viewpoint was anti-Christian (she’s religious) and anti-human, and she left. My sister then texted me that mom was lying about what happened to try and get her support. Thankfully, my sister was awkwardly sitting in the bathroom beside us while this was happening and heard it all.

I let my sister into the guest room. I was crying, because this fight made me realize that there is no hope for reconciliation. I wasn’t crying for my mother, but rather, for the rest of my family. Because I know that mom will go nuclear, dad will immediately fall back into his old anger issues, and they will blow up the extended family over this. Mom will likely also threaten suicide, as she’s used depression as an excuse for her abuse for my entire life. I do not care about her, and realized that I hadn’t for a long time. But my heart hurts so much for my grandma, who is going to be caught up in this and only just got over the grief of her husband’s passing, and my dad, who will never leave my mother, and who will poison himself even further. For my sister, too, and the awkward position this will put her in.

I do want to make it clear that this incident itself isn’t the reason that I’m going no contact. If this was it, while I would be very upset with her, I wouldn’t cut her out. This fight is the last straw. My mother is a bigot. I’m aro/ace, she knows this, and she’s openly homophobic around me. She’s a racist. Her sister’s children are mixed race. She and dad abused my sister and I growing up. We’re still dealing with those issues. She’s materialistic to a fault. She’s a narcissist. But now I know that she will never understand that. She’s always going to shift the goal posts, gaslight, and lie to make herself look better than she is. She’s never going to apologize for any of the hurtful things that she’s done.

So I don’t feel bad about going no contact with her. I am going to do it for my own well being. I do not want this abusive POS to be part of my future found family, success, or story. She’s dead to me. But I could use some advice from redditors who were in a situation like this before. If you have any advice for me on how to best go no contact and how to prepare for the shitstorm that will come after, please comment. I could use all the help I can get.

TLDR; My (30f) mother (56 f) said something to me over the weekend that was the last straw, and now I know that I have to cut contact for my well-being. I am certain that she will go nuclear based on past behavior, and is likely to threaten suicide or smear my name to other family members (or both). My father (58 m) has anger issues and is likely to respond poorly as well. He has been deeply in love with her since he was in high school, and though he sees her behavior and disagrees with her, he will not leave her. How do I best initiate no contact and prepare for the nuclear fallout?

Thanks, reddit. I’ll do my best to answer questions.