I’m not into threesomes. I’m not in an open relationship. I don’t plan on being with another person besides him. Do I really need to tell him? Or is it cruel to hide it? I’m only out to 2 people and I’d rather not tell more. But I feel like he wouldn’t truly “know me”. What do I do?
Edit: I want to add a few things. The two people I have told are bi women who are engaged to each other. I came out to them when I was bicurious so they have been supportive along the entire process. I was in denial for years and only admitted it to myself 6 months ago. So coming out is scary. Also, I am 100% monogamous. JUST BECAUSE I AM BI DOES NOT MEAN I CHEAT. So me being bi doesn’t really change the relationship with my bf because I don’t plan on being with a woman. He also has asked about a 3 some with another girl and I said no.That’s how monogamous I am lol. He asked this when we were only fwb. Then he hasn’t asked since I being my bf.
33 comments
You have a right to privacy, even in your relationship.
You decide who knows your truth. If you aren’t ready to tell your partner, don’t. If you never are, don’t.
You’re not less of a queer because you’re closeted. Being out and open is fucking scary.
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In general, I’d say give it some time, and tell him when you’re ready. But, if you think he’s the type of person who might have a problem with it, then you might want to have a talk with him sooner; there’s no point in wasting your time or his, if it’s going to be a deal-breaker for him.
Tricky. I’m bi myself and like you would never cheat nor am I particularly into the idea of threesomes, as I’m strictly monogamous.
I don’t regard my sexuality quite as integral to my personality as some other people do these days, but it is an important aspect of my life.
To a certain extend it plays into who I am. Be it the fact that Keira Knightley is the undisputed love of my life or my active partaking in the LGBT community.
I think it’s not necessarily unethical to hide it from your partner; but a bit strange all the way to stupid depending on your reasoning.
If your partner is homophobic or biphobic you should get it out of your way early on, as you’re inherently incompatible.
If it’s because you’re scared of coming out that’s fair but…that person is literally your partner. You want to build a life together and that’s hard with such a massive secret between the two of you.
I’d tell him and if he has an issue with it, at least you know early on.
You aren’t required to tell him, but know that the longer you keep it secret, the more he might think you were lying to him (lying by omission). I’m not saying that you are, but it could create a “What else will she keep secret about? What else will she not tell me?”.
If you think he won’t respond well, this is not somebody you should be with. You don’t want to be with somebody that doesn’t support who you are. I wish you all the best and if you do tell him, I hope he is 100% supportive
Nothing cruel or “non-ethical” not to tell him. If you’re ready, and if you want to, you will.
Always difficult to get out of the closet^^trust me. My GF wishes she could tell her very religious parents that she’s bi – same as you, she feels like they don’t really know her.
Anyway, she’ll tell them when she will be ready : if they are supportive, great ! They will be closer. And if they are not, more difficult but great too ! She will know they are not on the same page (about tolerance, acceptance, etc.) and will be able to move on. Same applies to you 🙂
Big love and support sis’ 💪
Why wouldn’t you tell your life partner? I’d be kind of pissed if my bi partner was out to other people but not to me, because that would mean they don’t trust me to be cool about it?
I don’t see why this is an issue to be “bi” if you’re dating someone, if you want to keep it exclusive then there shouldn’t be an issue
Of course you don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to but he might be understandably upset if he ever finds out that you didn’t tell him about it but other people knew.
If you decide to speak to him about it then you don’t need to make a big thing of it, just drop it in next time you see an opportunity. If he asks why you haven’t mentioned it before then be honest and tell him what you’ve written in this post – you don’t plan on being with anyone other than him so it’s not something you felt you needed to mention until now.
I would urge u to share. If u can’t be open with someone u love romantically, not sure where this is going. He would likely be hurt to find out by accident.
You should tell him when you’re ready. However, if he has already asked for a threesome, that puts his character into question.
Typically, monogamous partners do not ask for threesomes. That shows that they are willing to be non-monogamous, which is a compatibility issue.
It’s up to you, but I can see why you are cautious given his past remarks.
I feel that’s an important thing to tell ya so.
No. Lying (even if it is by omission) to your partner is the quickest way to ruin your relationship.
How long have you guys been dating? Are you ready to come out to him?
My husband knows I’m bi but he also knows I’m monogamous and will not cheat on him. I told him early on..because I trusted him.
I can see both sides to this coin. I don’t feel it is critical for him to know, it might just add to insecurities if he has them. On the other side, if you feel like you cannot tell him, is he really such a great guy?
You should probably tell them yeah.
A good relationship is based on open and honest communication, sharing yourself, with your quirks and eccentricities. As you said, he won’t truly know you because you are hiding something crucial about yourself. And lying by omission is a real pain, because it leads to the other wondering what else you have kept hidden.
And it is not cruel to hide something, it is just plain wrong to hide something fundamental about yourself.
i don’t think it’s unethical not to tell someone that you’re dating, but i sort of question how close and honest you can be with a partner if you don’t feel comfortable sharing that part of who you are with them. don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying this judgementally. it took me about 3 years into my last LTR to even hint that i was slightly maybe sort of bisexual. i did not tell him anything about my experiences as a child and teen that lead me to that understanding. but i never felt really close to him or that he really knew me, it was easy to hide other facets of myself and i almost thought less of him for not knowing me fully, even though it was my fault, too, if that makes any sense to anyone. so idk, just…take your time. don’t make any hard line decision that you’ll never tell him or you have to tell him right now or whatever. just do what feels right for your relationship.
Yeah, I’m bi and I’d be upset if my partner never told me they were Bi.
I’m so sorry you feel like you have to hide your authentic self. There is nothing wrong with you and you don’t deserve to hide any part of you.
You absolutely don’t have to tell anyone that you aren’t comfortable telling, but do you really want to be in a relationship where you don’t feel safe to be your full authentic self around your partner?
As someone who didn’t come out until they were 33, I can tell you that life feels a lot better when you stop hiding. You’re dimming your light out of fear of what people think, and that shit will eat at you little by little. I know it’s scary, but it’s so freeing to be able to embrace who you are.
I hope you feel safe to be your full, amazing, authentic self soon.
You can volunteer whatever you want about your past or inner life. Sometimes sex is involved.
Probably important to talk openly about it if comes up. Probably necessarily important to share it just to get it off your chest.
How old are you/him?
(I mean, it helps)
Unless you want to impress on him your self-imposed bi status, for whatever reasons, regardless, you are allowed to keep secrets! I’m sure he’s considered kissing a boy too, but he would never tell you that!
Your monogamy is your shining sword, your beacon of truth and trust.
You are a good one, I can tell.
You can be in love with someone, and fully committed, and still have private fantasies.
Relax. You seem to be fine. Private thoughts or intimate personal secrets are your own treasures.
Seems to me you are young, and you should not be worrying about “thought crimes”.
Enjoy the partnership, and free yourself of any notions of betrayal, you would not be angry with him over something you dreamed whilst sleeping, and so this is just as ridiculous.
You sound happy and keen to stay with him. So do so. In a 100% ethical way. Be not guilty of things you have never done. Look him in the eyes and be that girl, with no fears.
Honesty is all in the eyes.
No. My first marriage ended after my ex-wife came out as gay and I found out she was cheating. If you really care about your partner, don’t hide things from him.
I am bisexual. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I told him, I also don’t plan on being with someone else, but I think it would help to build the relationship if you told him. If you aren’t comfortable though, don’t force yourself. Ultimately, it’s your choice. 🙂
Sorry you’re going through this. But you shouldn’t be with someone you’re not comfortable sharing this with. And it’s really shitty of you to hide part of yourself from them if you’re in a real relationship
There came a moment where I told my bf I was truly in love with him and that I feel as we’ve been the closest we’ve ever been. He cried and told me that it was not true because he had something to tell me. And then confessed he felt ashamed because he thinks he’s bi. I told him it’s not wrong for him to be feeling that way. And to be honest him telling me that made us be closer. He felt secure and safe in telling me and I felt very happy that he could trust me. I know he loves me and it has not changed my view or how I feel about him. It really depends if you want to, but if he truly cares about you then he should also accept that part of you.
You don’t *have* to tell them, but if they’re supportive it might be a good idea. My partner is bi and her telling me changed absolutely nothing about our relationship except I go to bat for bi people a lot more now.
Being bi doesn’t make you a cheater. It also doesn’t make you into threesomes. Theres nothing wrong with being bi. I don’t know why you’d want to hide part of yourself for no reason. This post kinda sounds like you have issues with yourself for being bi
Just adding my two cents as a bi person.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong or a bad person for considering keeping this to yourself. It’s scary not knowing how people will react and even gay people don’t seem to understand the very specific biphobia that you get sometimes.
But if you see yourself being with this guy long time, I think it’s important to let him know. Would you wanna be with someone who couldn’t accept you as being bisexual? Especially if it is as important as you’ve stated?
It’s scary, and it’s not like you have to tell him tomorrow. But I think no matter what it would take a weight off your chest and be better for both of you. You can even reiterate that just because you’re bisexual doesn’t make you interested in things like threesomes or that you’d wanna cheat, in fact those are harmful stereotypes for people that are bisexual and really don’t reflect anything about bisexuality.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do <3
You don’t have to come out to anyone you don’t want to come out to. No one (not even your partner!) is entitled to this information.
But if you aren’t comfortable coming out to your partner, that says a lot. Are you worried about how he’d react? That he wouldn’t understand?
i don’t know if this is controversial or not but… as a queer woman who has only been with men, i have never and will never “come out” to anyone in my life.
i don’t hide my sexuality but i also don’t feel the need to tell people— it’s not fair to queer people that we have to come out while straight people don’t (though i understand why we do come out).
i’ve been with my current bf for 4.5 years, i did not come out to him. i was queer before him, i am queer now, and i will continue to be queer in the future. it’s just another part of me as a human…
if my partner/s truly love me they won’t care what my sexuality is, and if they do then i absolutely do not want to be with them!!
tldr; i don’t think you need to come out, but also don’t hide that part of you! if the love, you they won’t care. AND bisexual =/= cheating!!!!
edit: a word
Don’t tell him. That’s private and belongs to you alone.
There’s no requirement to tell your partner this but I would feel hurt if I found out way down the line that my partner kept it from me. Not because I care if my partner is bi, but because it would make me feel like they don’t trust me enough to tell me everything about themselves.
If you think he’s going to have an issue with it or be weird about it that’s a whole other story completely and I would be reconsidering my relationship if I thought my partner would be weird about my sexuality.
If you decide to tell him I think it’s important to emphasise that you haven’t been keeping past relationships from him and this is something you are still trying to figure out – not something you’ve intentionally kept a secret from him that has been a firm part of your identity for years