My (25F) husband (33M) has been having an affair with his co worker. I am in genuine shock and don’t know how to navigate these waters. We have a 2 yr old son I am a SAHM. We had been having issues prior to this and it all makes sense why!!! He was so paranoid because he was the one going behind my back. I literally was snooping because I thought he had a spyware on my phone or was reading my texts. That is what I was looking for! I don’t even know how to confront him. Part of me wants to send him the videos I found and pack and leave. But I am a SAHM and have no family who live close. I am holding it together for our son and sneaking in the bathroom to cry.
16 comments
Firstly, you are in a difficult position and you should do what you think is best. I will give my advice below with a TL;DR
As a son of divorced parents I can tell you it brought me personally a lot of rest when the separation was done but I also had some abandonment issues after.
My mom was a sahm as well before leaving and also had never lived on her own before that.
So that is my experience and bias explained and willing to share more via dm
If you want to leave him you should, tension in the house is not good for anyone, you can try and fix this, but at this moment in time he has all the power since you can not for see yourself in your needs at this point in time.
So I think you should go work for a couple of hours just to make some money that you can use to support yourself and your kid if needed. Even if it is just customer service from home.
Anyway you I think it is best to confront him regardless of what you want because if you do not name the issue how can you fix it.
TL;DR become more self sufficient and confront him to either divorce or go in to counseling whatever you think is best for you and your kid.
Good luck and my dm is open if you need to talk to someone
Make the long trip to visit family with your son. You need to reevaluate this relationship.
From personal experience:
I was a SAHM, money wise I depended on my ex for everything, i didn’t have no savings.
When I found out he was lying and cheating, I forgave him over and over and he never tried to chance. Instead he blame me for getting mad at the things he was doing.
I decided to get a job, and find a baby sitting for my daughter. If I wouldn’t have gotten that job I would’ve never gotten the strength to leave him.
It’s been difficult being a single mom, but mentally I’m better with out him. I didn’t do this only for me, I did it for my daughter too. Because she deserves a lovable home where she doesn’t see a toxic relationship from her parents.
Don’t stay with him just because of your baby, you deserve better. Your kid deserves better.
It’s your money too. Go home to family and think. Get a job too.
Get out and to family then tell him you know, say you need space and support and you will talk when u are ready
Make plans, do not tell him. Talk to your family. He leaves for work, you pack your bags and go to your family!!
If you don’t have the means to leave rn, you might have to leave more incrementally than is really desirable. Start stashing money in a separate fund ASAP. Take every little bit you can. Getting away from a financially controlling man is not easy.
Go to the bank and pull out as much money as you will need and go stay with family or in a hotel.
Don’t confront him yet- first get your shit together.
Get your evidence- copies of the videos and chats etc.
Get financials sorted. Open an account in only your name at a bank that you guys don’t currently use. When you are ready to go and before you talk to him take whatever is fair out of joint accounts (cash) and then put into your new account.
Get your documents sorted for you and your son. Also pack away anything that’s yours of great value, photos and treasures and keepsakes etc. Anything that is difficult to replace. If you have the option, put these things together and store away from your home.
Get your supports ready. Family and friends or a therapist etc. This will be hard so call on anyone who can help you.
Find your place to move to, possibly with family or friends till things settle.
Once you are ready and packed then let hubby know you are leaving. If you think this is a risky move either have the police or a friend be there when you tell him or leave first and tell him via phone.
Finally sort out the legal side and het a lawyer.
I’m really sorry, this must be devastating. You’ve got this though.
You need legal counsel.
We fon’t know your state laws. A lawyer will give you manageable steps to take.
1)What you can do now as you secretly hunt for a divorce lawyer is gather and save all evidence. Have two copies of everything.
2) Change all your passwords.
3) StD test.
4) Put all your important documents in a safe place.
5) Make sure you do not leave this post for him to find.
Withdraw what u need for you and your son. Call a family member and let them know you need to come. Get you a lawyer and show them the evidence. You will get spousal support without a doubt. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. He will realize what he got when you’re gone.even if he does say he will stop or change I would be extremely iffy about it because he’s still working with that particular person. Good luck! And stay strong!
Where are you from? There’s plenty of countries/ even states that have laws against adultery. If you are in one of these you can sue for alienation of affection.
Don’t leave the family home if it’s owned. Don’t say shit, just slowly start siphoning money into a stash. When you have enough for a lawyer, clap the mfer. Use him like he’s using you. He thinks you’re dumb and trapped. Let him find out sister 🍻.
Go talk to r/legal see if they can help you get a solid plan.
You have to confront him immediately. He will likely offer to stop it. He HAS to go no contact with the affair partner so that means he’s getting a new job or she is. If you want to reconcile you show him this article. He has to agree to counseling, open phone policy, location services on phone etc. biggest thing is counseling. Otherwise if you don’t want to reconcile you lock him out. File for separation and alimony and child support. I have a bunch of resources in reconciliation if needed . u/ok-carpenter-807
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Understanding-Your-Betrayed-Spouse.pdf
Every person I know who has been in your situation wishes they could go back and change one thing. And that is that they wished they had not confronted their spouse right away but rather had gotten all their ducks in a row in terms of account numbers house deeds car deeds income tax filings all that stuff and had contacted the three best attorneys in their town and talked to all of them before hiring one. Then telling their spouse what they knew and filing for a quick divorce.
You can sell some fancy shit on any market store to raise some $$$
You need to get a lawyer and show all evidence.