I generally try to refrain from posting here, as the advice is usually to talk to your spouse, but I have.
My wife (22F) and I (22M) have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old son. Overall things are great, but I feel like I give more emotionally than I’m getting back. Every day I make her favorite foods, make her a coffee, make sure she has dessert, rub her back and feet for literally hours, or buy stuff for whatever hobby she’s into. I also often say she’s beautiful, list some things she did that I’m grateful for, tell her I love her, etc. I moved to a wfh job so I can watch our daughter most days while she does online classes with less stress. I’m certainly not perfect, I’m pretty sloppy and forgetful and I’m not as spicy as she wishes, but I really truly try my best and seek help for the things I know I need to work on. We never yell or fight, we have healthy arguments every now and then.
My main complaint is I just don’t feel wanted. She’s vulnerable with events in her life but when it comes to affection or opening up about her love for me it’s like pulling teeth. Don’t get me wrong, she does plenty. She does acts of service like cleaning, folding my laundry. She gets excited to tell me any gossip she has. She considers me before making any big decisions. But I have to fish for compliments and gauge how she’s feeling. She says she thinks nice stuff but just forgets to say it. I think part of my insecurity is that she’ll go for months feeling like we have a flaw in our marriage and tell me about it after a long time and bring up separation. It makes it hard for me to trust things are actually good when they’re feeling good bc she could just be holding back. She goes through these moods where something bad happens and she completely shuts down and won’t talk for hours. She then opens up and I cheer her up and I feel emotionally responsible for her depressive episodes. If I have anxiety she just says sorry and that’s that.
I just want to feel desired and loved. I want to be told I’m handsome or that I’m loved without being the one to initiate it. I want affection and I want to be able to trust that when things are good she’s not secretly contemplating divorce over “us just being too boring” or any other reasons she’s had.
There’s these moments every now and then, like for my graduation she threw me a huge party and told me how proud she is and how much she loves me. I rode on that high for a while, it felt so good. Also weirdly when she’s sick she’s very lovey, I think it lowers her inhibitions.
It’s hard to give more than I get and to constantly long for that feeling of just being wanted and loved.
7 comments
> If I have anxiety she just says sorry and that’s that.
It sounds like you are there for her quite often, yet she does not show open signs of affection, or show any lust for you? This sound familiar, where you give but do not get the things you want or need in return?
Sounds like you need to learn how to attract her properly. Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover and How To Be A 3% Man by Corey Wayne.
Talk only when spoken to. She is used to you being Mr Doormat! So treat others as they do you . It is obvious that she looks down on you and has no respect do why jeep chasing and fussing over her?
No good moaning just be respectful and let her ask with the most important words please and thank you!
This sounds exactly like my relationship but I’m the wife in this scenario. Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Maybe she’s showing you love but in a way that SHE likes to receive it. For example, my love language is acts of service; if my husband makes dinner and cleans the kitchen I feel very loving toward him. He, on the other hand, is all about physical touch. We still struggle to meet each other’s needs but reading this book really helped.
Have you tried to stop doing some of the things she takes for granted and see if she reacts? My husband loves me and I cater to him and do things he doesn’t notice, he doesn’t show appreciation until I stop doing them for a little or blow up about it. Also not everyone is shown affection as a child, was she affectionate before marriage or is this how she always was? She may have her own insecurities and doesn’t express well. Kindness and affection shouldn’t be a one way street for me I started feeling like a maid and not a partner. Part of the problem is feeling being taken for granted and breaking the cycle. It’s nice for someone to make you coffee once in a while.
I think you need to be more specific on what you want from her. Maybe make a list of 5 or 10 ways you would like her to show her love for you and she can come up with a list of her own for you. Then you will have certain actions each of you want to be shown love. Put it by your toothbrushes so you both see the others list daily to remind you. Try couples counseling to get better communication tools too.
I’m a people pleaser too and listening to the podcast beyond bitchy – mastering the art of boundaries has really helped me with resentments and feeling like I ‘should’ do something even if I don’t want to.
Don’t be way too nice. Maybe she loves you a lot but started taking you for granted. Be a lil less available. Command respect. Be sexy at times, surprise her .