Was I [F27] being gaslit [33M] ? Or was I crazy? Here’s my story

So, I’ve talked about this ex on here before but I’m learning about narcissistic behaviors and gaslighting. Late learner, but better now than never , right? Here’s some things that stood out to me because it may have been gaslighting without me knowing back then, which blows my mind. Things he would do:

– He started bringing up wanting to have 3 somes, which I wasn’t comfortable with and I told him that. He asks me why, and I give my reason, and he then looks at me like I’m crazy. After knowing that I didn’t want to be involved in that, he would keep bringing up wanting to have one to “add to the fun”. For pretty much the rest of relationship. And I kept telling him no because of my reasons.

– There was a time when we were in his car, and he had his phone linked to his gps, so when people would call or text, you can see the caller ID. One day I see he received a text from this lady, let’s call her Jane. So her name popped up on his gps screen and I remember him talking about her being an ex. I point it out and ask why he’s texting an ex, and he’s like “what are you talking about? Sometimes the wrong names pop up on my phone”. So I’m like, what? How is that possible? Maybe it was a malfunction? But I had a bad feeling about it. Anyway, I brought it up again later that evening and he goes on to call me crazy. So now I’m looking at myself like, dang do I need to chill or what? I know what I saw.

– Another instance, he picked me up from work and I got in the car, sat down, greeted him, but when I go to put my seatbelt on, I had turned to grab it and ended up seeing a long curly red hair strand on the back of the seat head. I grab it, make a light joke about “who’s hair is this?” , kinda laugh and he goes “Idk,you might’ve got it on you from work”. Mind you, I did work in customer service, but I never worked with anyone who had that hair color or texture, nor have I been that close to anyone at work (because social distancing, of course). So after he tells me that, we share a laugh but in my head I’m like… that doesn’t make much sense. I never found hair before that day.

– We went to Vegas one time, and everything was cool the first night. By the second day, we were out and about and trying to find out what we wanted to go do and what shows we wanted to see. So he brings up strip clubs, and brings up thing show where women dance around in showy clothing. We go to a bar and I meet a girl there who noticed my tattoos and was like “hey let’s be friends on Instagram”. We’re both artists. So we have small talk and exchange that information. He goes on to say “oh I know why you easily got her number, you wanted to invite her back to our hotel”. And I’m like “what?”. So at this point, I got irritated because he was really doing to much that day (in terms of talking about other women). Now of course, it’s Vegas, people are going to look at the half naked women on the streets and want to take pictures. That doesn’t bother me, it’s human nature. But I ask him, “why do you always try to see naked women, when you got me?”. It had got to the point where I didn’t feel beautiful in his eyes, and I let him know that because it was such a constant thing with him. He goes on to say “There’s nothing wrong with admiring other beautiful women, you have to start admiring them too.” He’s like “There’s no need to be jealous, I’m with you”. And I’m explaining to him “it’s not jealousy, it’s the fact that you’re always trying to get a free card or get a taste of something else, while still having me, and you know I’m not okay with that”. He’s seen me look at women before, compliment women before, all of that.

– Another time, he came to visit me (we were long distance the whole relationship) and we decided to go to a restaurant. So we get there, and we’re seated at the bar where this lady was serving us. So we drink, eat and then we leave. We decided to go back to that same restaurant the next day for drinks, and we sit at the bar again. Now, the lady that served us the previous day wasn’t there. It was a guy instead who served us at the bar. My ex goes “hey, where’s the girl with the big gluteus Maximus?” , holds his hands up portraying “how wide” she was (she was plus size, nothing wrong with that) and they start laughing. The server guy didn’t speak much English (I later found out) so I shouldn’t have pointed my annoyance at him. But I’m like “are you serious? You guys are f- idiots”. I kinda mumbled it so the server didn’t hear, but it was embarrassing and I’m like “here we go again”. So my ex goes “Oh c’mon don’t start that mess, don’t act like that.” Goes on to say that it’s okay to find other people attractive (as if I don’t know that), and then he starts body shaming the server. Saying how she’s “average in the face at best, but fat. Saying how I didn’t want a booty like hers (he knew I was insecure about having a smaller butt at the time), and all of this other stuff. Then he went on to say how woman are “overly emotional” and asked if I’m on some “feminist rage”(?). He was tipsy at that point, so I know he meant everything he said.

There’s just so much more I could write, but these are the main points that has me thinking, wow, I didn’t realize how crazy those moments made me feel. Maybe this can help someone else too, and shed light on the levels of it?

This guy is still trying to come back into my life (I broke up with him back in January) which is why I’m talking about it now because I thought back on the moments like the ones above..

Thank you for reading

TL; DR! – realizing points where I might have been gaslight in previous relationship, and he’s still trying to get me back to this day