Sorry… this is a long read. As some back story. Me and my partner have been together for 7 and a half years. We met at university and have been together since. We have lived together for 4 and a half years, owned a house for 1 and a half years and I had every intention to propose within the next year or so, finances permitting. There is no history of cheating of any kind, no issues of trust prior to this event, as far as I am aware we have always told each other everything… no secrets – For all intents and purposes, we were a solid couple.
I work in a large company, but most people I work with are in their 50’s with a family. On a personal level, there are very few people I can relate too. Six months ago a woman joined my company (27F) – This woman was, at the time, engaged and in a relationship for 9 and a half years, with a short-term contract to work at my company before she left for a different continent post her marriage. My specific project team is a small team with 6 people. She is one of the 6. We have face-to-face contact 4 times a week.
For the first 3 months, conversation with this individual was strictly within business and strictly platonic. Due to the context of both of our relationships, I had never considered our conversation anything other than platonic – I’d have been happy to have shown my partner everything that was discussed. By month 4 and after a drunken work social, it quickly became clear that the relationship was no longer platonic. Nothing physical happened, some flirty words were exchanged, but it became increasingly obvious that there was no longer just a superficial attraction. The next morning I spoke to my partner and told her everything until that point – That I had developed a relationship with an individual that I felt had transgressed boundaries. She was completely caught off guard and devastated, asking me to never talk to that person again. A few days later, she saw that I has messaged the girl on my work-phone, agreeing to have lunch. She left the next day.
During the two weeks she was away, I continued to talk to the individual on a platonic level. There was no further flirting, but conversation did continue despite the fact that we were both fully aware that boundaries had been pushed. I’m not going to try and defend this.
When my partner returned two weeks later, she asked me straight if I had continued to talk to that person in her absence, making it clear she would leave if I had. I denied that I had done so, and she took me on my word. I agreed to couples therapy to try and help heal the wound that had resulted, but did not renege on my lie. I have since cut contact with this individual as much as is possible, unless it is about work. She has since cancelled her engagement over a multitude of reasons and has been visibly upset in the office. During this period, I have comforted her with the usual post-breakup spiel – Although I could have and should have avoided doing so.
We’re now 6-weeks on and i’m/we’re really struggling. I have never sat on a lie before, with the full knowledge that for my SO this was a red-line. We have been trying to work through our issues, by treating the emotional affair as symptomatic of wider issues in our relationship (we had become complacent, stale, we needed to put effort back into a relationship which had become… too platonic). We’ve always communicated well and nothing we discussed seemed unredeemable, but I am extremely conscious that I am sitting on a mine. I sincerely regret my actions, but I cannot undo them now and accept the consequences.
My dilemma is as follows:
1) I do not ***know*** ***for certain*** whether I want this relationship to continue. I love my SO dearly and genuinely, but this has really rocked my commitment. Although I cannot point to a specific element of the relationship that has caused us trouble, I have not been able to re-commit. I still think about this other woman and am racked with guilt.
2) If I reveal the full scope of the incident, my SO has made it clear that this would be a red-line.
3) If I do not reveal the full scope of the incident, we ‘could’ get back to a place of comfort, but it would be built upon a lie. It would only be a matter of time before I revealed the truth.
I have reached a position where I feel like I need to be ‘certain’ that I can full recommit to my relationship 100% before I can reveal everything. Otherwise I risk hurting my SO further. In order to do so, we need to continue having productive conversations about what an ‘us’ going forward looks like.
OR, I need to leave a relationship I am not sure I want to leave. I feel my SO already has enough information for closure. The idea of doing this makes me feel sick, although I have accepted that my actions have consequences and am prepared for her to walk.
Do I stop trying to have productive conversations about what ‘we’ look like in the future until I have fully revealed the truth? Do I leave my relationship knowing that I have passed her red-line? Do I reveal the truth and let her decide? Do I just make a decision and live with the guilt?
I have since started looking for a new job and have enrolled in therapy.
TL:DR: Had an emotional affair with a colleague. Did not reveal the entire truth to my SO fearing an immediate break-up. Am racked with guilt despite positive improvements in the dynamics of our relationship since. What do I do?
47 comments
You are so fucked dude lol. You’re going to lose your marriage when this comes out and then you’re going to understand why people don’t have affairs with work colleagues when that turns toxic too.
Stay with your wife and tell her the truth: you’ve now made an enemy of someone you need to see every day. They’re eventually going to want you gone and they can remove you more easily than you can remove them.
Leave your wife and stay with the colleague: your wife is going to make your life a living hell and the work colleague is very unlikely to work out anyway. Someone who is willing to cheat will eventually cheat on you.
In your shoes I’d start looking for a new job at the very least to minimize the pain.
Source: had an affair at work once. Made similar decisions as you. Learned a lot of very valuable life lessons lol.
If you want to continue your current relationship i think you HAVE to tell the truth. Get it out of the way and deal with the consiquences. If you can work passed this, then you both will be closer for it. If not then what would happen down the line happens before you become happy in your relationship again.
I had to stop reading about half way through when I decided you were just some lying piece of shit undeserving of anyone’s time, care, or patience.
Get a grip dude, tell your ~~wife~~ partner the truth for once so she can make an educated decision and leave your ass for good.
I hope this post was just well working rage bait, since you’re awful.
*Edit: I made a typo.*
What prevents you from telling the truth? the shame you feel over your own actions? your lady told you to stop, you didn’t. you made this bed, homie.
Your partner deserves to know the truth. Don’t be so selfish and self absorbed. She would prefer to be hurt now than to have to spend the rest of her life with a cheater who duped her.
Let her go. If you care at all for her, let her go. You’re too selfish for her.
You say you love her but you had an emotional affair, you continued to lie to her so she wouldn’t leave you, and you’re not even sure you want to be with her? Stop stringing her along.
If you don’t recognize that the continued lie is not actually accepting the consequences of your actions, I don’t know what to tell you.
You obviously didn’t care about your partner enough to actually stop it with the other woman even after your partner left for two weeks. What are you trying to salvage here? It seems like you don’t respect her at all.
You emotionally cheated and you are still talking to the affair partner and betraying your SO. Which is really shitty. You’re in the affair fog where this other person looks great, affairs change the dopamine receptors in your brain. It makes you look at your partner badly and affects your ability to process information. You know why AP is amazing? Because your little affair is in a fantasy world. You don’t live together and pay bills or have to clean a house together. That’s reality and relationship require effort.
You HAVE to go no contact. And stop lying to your partner. The truth will come out and it’s better if you tell her now. She deserves full disclosure to decide f what she wants with all the information. Whether she ends the relationship or not she DESERVES to know the truth. You are continuing to betray her trust by talking to this woman. Why would you even do that after saying you wouldn’t?? You crossed boundaries in your relationship and cheated and you disrespect her by trying to be friends with this woman. You can’t be friends. Read the below article. Reconciliation can’t start until there are no more lies. If you can’t commit to doing the work and honoring her boundaries then you need to let her go. It’s really selfish and shitty to drag her along and okay both sides. You will start up your affair again. It’s inevitable. And fucked up.
https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Understanding-Your-Betrayed-Spouse.pdf
A relationship that exists because of a lie is never a good thing. I think there is a way to break the news more gently. Maybe write her a letter so your words don’t get jumbled or you say the wrong thing. Take time to really think and write it out. List the positive steps your taking (like looking elsewhere for a job, therapy, no more contact etc). Explain your feelings towards her (your partner) and how much she means to you. Explain that your lie was out of fear of loosing her and you deeply regret your actions. Maybe your therapist could help you draft it. If you truly want to stay with her you need to tell her the truth, but do it gently. I wish you luck.
She deserves to know the truth, you’re controlling her decision on if she wants to be in the relationship or not by not telling her. You can figure out if you want to be in the relationship while also telling her the truth. If she chooses to end the relationship after knowing the truth, then that’s her choice.
The truth would come out eventually. It may be better to have this talk in honesty to clear the air. Explain all of your feelings and how you are making real changes. It is possible to get back in good graces if she is willing
Break up with this poor woman who made the mistake of taking you back.
Honestly, says a lot that you don’t want to spill the lie because you’d lose her, but then you also don’t feel the need to recommit.
So having your cake and eating it too.
Give yourself a deadline and decide by then. Don’t drag her along in your indecisiveness. Good people don’t deserve to be treated like shit.
Tell her the truth wtf… like tonight.
Look I’m going to be honest with you. My ex husband did have a emotional affair when I was pregnant. I do understand that sometimes we can stop loving someone, but I do believe that we need to be honest and be truthful to the other person even if we know we will do harm. Please be honest with your so, be honest with yourself and don’t lie any longer. My ex husband denied and when I found out by others if that was going on ( a. Coworker of both messaged me ) I felt like my heart broke. Literally. I was pregnant and dealing with a high-risk pregnancy and I felt how my heart broke. 8 years later and I’m now and peace with the situation but that was after therapy. Please be honest for that love you had once for her.
Tell her. She shouldn’t be unknowingly marrying a liar. Let her make her own decision.
The decision to stay in a relationship isn’t yours alone. You’re not lying to her to spare her feelings, you’re lying to buy yourself time to decide if YOU want to stay in the relationship. That is incredibly unfair.
She shouldn’t base her future on a lie. If you love her even a little, man up and tell her the truth. She deserves at least that since you’ve already emotionally cheated.
Just tell her the truth. It’s going to hurt her that you lied, but she deserves to know the truth anyway, so she can make her own decision. You messed up, and she should decide whether she can forgive you or not.
Also, have you considered that you can’t fully reconnect with your partner because you feel guilty for holding in this lie? You’ll never be able to fix your current relationship unless you tell the truth. If you wait until things are better, then it will make the situation much harder for her.
Also, your comments are disappointing. You want people to believe you’re thinking about this situation rationally, but it comes across like you’re a jerk. Don’t just say that you messed up and accept the situation, then continue to lie to your partner’s face everyday.
Tell the truth. It may hurt her but you don’t get to live with the satisfaction of hiding what a shitty cheating boyfriend you were to her
Okay, the only important decision here is whether or not to stay with your SO. And no one can advise you on that.
As far as the lie goes, anyone here who is urging you to tell the truth is working off of ideals, not reality. The reality is that no matter what, if you tell her the truth about that, frankly, very small lie (you did stop talking to her after you told the lie, and I honestly don’t see what difference those two weeks makes; I mean, I get why your SO does, but she was in the middle of a huge betrayal. In the grand scheme, it really doesn’t make any difference) you’re going to hurt her and introduce a greater sense of distrust into your relationship. What benefit do you get from clearing that up? Well, YOU feel relief, YOU feel a cessation of guilt, YOU feel like you’re recommitting to the relationship. But how will SHE feel?
If you intend to recommit and move forward with her, I’d advise you NOT to tell her. Why? Because YOU are the one who blew this relationship up. YOU are the one who wasn’t self-aware enough to realize something was wrong before getting into an emotional affair. YOU are the one who hurt her. And therefore YOU are the one who needs to bear the burden and damage of your lie, NOT HER. If you relieve your conscience and she still takes you back (which she will likely do if you two go through the whole counseling process) you’ll be shifting the burden from yourself to HER. Basically, you’ll be making HER pay (in anguish, self-doubt, and mistrust) for YOUR lie. The person who should pay (in anguish, self-doubt, and guilt) for your lie, is YOU. You will be saying you love her, silently, secretly, by carrying it yourself. Do that.
sad man…
My heart aches for your SO.
Please, do her a favor and tell her the truth. You doesn’t deserve her.
You say you love her, but YOU CHOOSE betray her. You choose the other girl, despite the fact or the “love” you say you feel.
I despise you. She deserves the truth either you wanna be with her, or not. But sounds like you don’t and just need some opportunity to make a move on the other girl.
I hope your SO doesn’t get hurt so bad for a crappy person like you.
Honestly, you’re being really immature. You sound like you should be alone. You chose to cheat. You chose to disrespect your partner *multiple* times. You’re playing games. You’re so selfish. Stop thinking about yourself and think about what your partner deserves.
Help me understand. What makes your talking to this person an emotional affair? I’m not trying to be dense. I genuinely want to know where the line is and how you feel you crossed it. Thanks.
Your SO has devoted 7 years of her life to loving you. If that hasn’t earned her the truth you have no heart. You don’t want to save her from further pain by keeping your lies and just breaking it off, you just don’t want to face what you did. The truth would give her closure and peace. You don’t even care enough about her to give her that.
Tell your partner the truth so they can move on with full knowledge of what happened and make their own decisions based on that. It sounds like you are headed for a breakup either way, so it
would be better for them to know the full context of the situation.
You should tell the truth because it’s her decision to make it’s not fair for you to make the decision for her in a sense
She deserves the freedom to make her own choices about the relationship with full knowledge of what has transpired. You should tell her the truth
You need to tell her the truth before you break up with her. Hiding the truth makes it seem as if the breakup and your not wanting to be in the relationship anymore has something to do with her, and she might feel poorly over that. Telling her the truth at least allows her to move on and know that you being a shitty BF is not her fault. She will be better off for the anger she will feel – anger is the part of ourselves that knows we deserve better. You are simply scared of her anger. If you wanted to protect her you would not have continued to talk to and offer comfort to the other woman, simple as that.
You should tell your partner AND end the relationship.
You told your partner about the emotional affair, she told you her boundaries, and then you purposely/ intentionally crossed them. You did that knowing how she would feel. If you truly love someone then it’s not a hard choice to pick them, not contemplate if you want to fully commit or not. There is no choice at that point. You are describing your relationship as a safety net and comfortable. Time to accept it’s over.
If you plan to tell her, tell her ASAP because when she finds out, no matter how much time has passed, it will feel fresh and raw as if it just happened. If you aren’t going to tell her, at least be honest with yourself. Are you trying to protect her feelings or trying to avoid making the confession that makes it obvious you lied? She will find out eventually. Your coworker will tell someone, an old message will be seen, or her instincts will just be telling her that you have not told her the full story.
Trust is everything.
You keep saying you’re prepared to do the right thing and that the consensus is to tell her the truth. So, when are you going to tell her?
If you’re thinking about another women, do your significant other a favor and LEAVE
1)you clearly don’t love your SO as much as you want us to believe if you are not certain you want to keep being in this relationship.
2)the fact that you kept thinking about the other woman is also a huge red flag, you simply aren’t as committed as you were before.
3) again, you still kept seeing the OW during the two weeks your girlfriend was away, this means you simply don’t value you relationship as much as you want to believe.
i think you just want to be with your SO because you are comfortable around her and don’t need to try much to impress her.
basically it’s a habit. (hope this is correct, english is not my first language)
4) i think it’s futile having deep conversations if you keep lying and hiding things, i genuinely think it’s counterproductive.
5) not trying to be mean but the fact that you went after someone who was engaged says a lot about you (same for the other woman)
Finally, she DESERVES to know the truth.
she will be hurt, angry and sad but this is a decision she has to make.
don’t lie to her and absolutely come clean!!!
the fact that you say that you are not 100% ready to commit but at the same time are also not ready to leave the relationship should tell you enough.
please, tell her the truth and respect her decision.
Ngl you cheated and should break up, your girl deserves a real man
Stop wasting your partners time. You had an EA, continued to lie, and are still treating her as an option while engaging with your AP. Most of your actions have been to assuage you own guilt and not for the health of your partner. She deserves to live a life with someone who isn’t 1/2 in. Let her go, but she needs the whole truth because otherwise she likely consider taking you back in future. After all that’s happened, she at least deserved the full truth.
It is incredibly selfish to withhold information from your partner that you know would be a deal breaker for her, you are taking away her right to choose and you are taking away her opportunity to be with someone who loves her and cares about her enough to not hurt her in this way.
If you have ANY sliver of love left for her, tell her the truth, immediately
Looks like you want both. The comfort of what you have and the excitement of something new.
Your partner doesn’t deserve being treated as a safe back up plan. Come clean, be honest, apologise and leave her.
Even if she forgave your lie, you would still pine for the other woman.
So man up and leave her so she can find someone who actually loves her – and you can go shoot your shot with your work colleague.
Plot twist, once the exciting forbidden fruit is available – it won’t be so exciting.
You are a selfish person. This whole post is about how can YOU get everything YOU want. Here is a question…. does she full disclosure….the truth? Probably…
Honestly, leave. Either way, she will because YOU don’t deserve her. You’re pretty shitty for not telling her the truth. You think you’re so high and mighty with what’s right and wrong while you’re over her stringing her along knowing that’s not right. Leave her life and let a REAL MAN love her. Damn, just imagine how in love she’s going to be with another man. She sounds absolutely lovely, send her my way. I will treat her the way you never would—with respect and loyalty.
>I love my SO dearly and genuinely,
No, you don’t. If you loved her, you wouldn’t have continued to talk to your coworker after your SO made it clear that she didn’t like it. She left for two weeks ffs, how dense can you be? You wouldn’t have gone to that lunch with her. You wouldn’t have lied about it.
And honestly, your SO doesn’t love you either. She loves the version of you that didn’t talk to the coworker after she left. She loves the version of you that is honest and loyal. She loves the version you pretend to be.
Tell her the truth, let her make the choice, and move on. She’s gotta be a saint if she forgives you, but most likely not. Waiting isn’t going to change the fact that you lied. In fact, it’s even worse when a lie comes out far into the future, because it shows that you’re capable of lying for so long. Get it over with and tell her the truth to the poor woman. That’s my only advice.
Let her go. She deserves way better
your gonna leave your wife for a co worker that you don’t even know for a fact would even date you? wtf are you doing? it seems like your just self sabotaging your marriage at this point and don’t want to be with your wife tbh. for all you know this girl your having an emotional affair with might not even think your all that and just a work buddy to occasionally flirt with.
You’re being quite selfish.
You didn’t care enough about your partner to stop contact while she was away and now you don’t care enough about her to tell her the truth. The reason you are not telling the truth is that you fear the fallout and you want to be in control of it.
You need to tell her the truth and let her walk away because that is what she deserves. It is unloving and horrible for you to string her along when you know that you have done something she would leave you over. You do not deserve her and you do not get to decide whether a relationship continues or not on your own terms by hiding a lie – she should get to decide. The control you so desperately cling to by treating her the way you do is gross and frankly I hope the other woman runs from you too. Huge red flag.
This is so sad. If you cheated and are unsure if you want to be with your partner, there’s nothing left of the relationship to save. She deserves someone who is not so lukewarm. When you continued to talk to your coworker after the initial affair, you knew you were at risk of permanently losing your partner. Be honest and then let her go. There’s no way you won’t do this to her again later even if somehow you did stay together
You’re seeing a therapist… fuck reddit and go deal with it in real life. This isn’t the place where you will find sympathy and guidance when you’re the one that has done the wrong thing. You will be lynched by the reddit mob and will gain nothing from your post.
Go to your therapy and sort it out, be truthful to yourself and do what you think is right.
You been selfish multiple times man. You been selfish and decided to disrespect her when you continue to talk in a flirty manner after the drunk night. You been selfish everysingle time you exchange “more than platonic” messages with your affair. Most importantly you show no remorse and regret for 2 weeks she left when you continue doing it. And to top it all off, you decided to be selfish again by LYING AGAIN.
Tell her the truth man. And acknowledge that you been a disrespectful coward selfish man throughout this.
I do hope she leaves you and heal. Cheating is not a part of relationship ups and downs.