So I (37M) been seeing my girlfriend (28M) since March (so 4 months) but about 1.5 months of that we’ve been disrupted from seeing each other due to work and family commitment from both sides.
The relationship moved slower than usual at first, then it was very good, and now I feel like it’s plateaued to taking one step forward when we meet, and then one step back in between those meetings. In other words, I felt like every date was making the relationship stronger before, but now I feel like it just maintains the relationship or barely progresses it, and the connection is not at a state where maintenance is acceptable for me. I actually feel like if she broke up with me I’d be over it the next week, and I don’t feel like I want to put in as much effort as I used to. She’s put in the same effort the whole time, which I would say is kind of low to medium. The first three months I made excuses for her and now I’m just tired of doing it, even if they are valid excuses (she’s very introverted with limited relationship experience, and has trouble opening up to people – the annoying thing is she’ll really open up in person, and I feel like we made some progress, but then I can literally feel her withdrawing in the following days as her texting behavior goes from the “real” her to this guarded person, and I’m like welp back to square one).
Have you guys been in a relationship where it’s not bad, but its just not….good? Do you give it more time? What are signs it’s just never going to go anywhere? Should I just put less effort? It’s at the point where the last couple dates I’ve basically went into it with the mindset if we didn’t have a good time I’d just break up with her, but we do have a good time to where it gives me hope, and then it just goes in a circle like that.
18 comments
Honestly, I’m taking this advice from someone else somewhere else but—
If she read this post, how do you think she’d feel?
It doesn’t sound like “maintenance,” it sounds like you just find it easier to not break up in case something changes, which is garbage.
If someone in the relationship isn’t actually into it, it’s a waste of both of your time. You not even wanting to make effort should be a pretty clear sign imo
I think you should trust your gut which seems to be saying to break it off. The one thing I’ll say is the in-person stuff should carry a lot more significance than the texting. It sounds like you just need more time actually hanging out. And if that’s not possible or the prospect of more time doesn’t excite you, it’s probably better to end it.
You’re at the point where they honeymoon phase is starting to end. This is the time when you have to start putting in work to maintain the relationship. But it doesn’t sound like you really want to maintain this relationship.
>Should I put in less effort?
That just turns into a race to the bottom.
You know what this relationship is. It won’t change unless you both make it change, and that can only happen if you open up the lines of communication with her.
Have you told her how you’re feeling, what you feel is lacking, and what you need from her? Have you asked her where she sees your relationship going and if she’s happy with the current connection and progression? If it’s not worth a conversation to you, you should just part ways now.
She looking at you to try figure out what you wanna do and if you’re worth a hill of beans as a man. Make a move or throw her back in. Clearly she ain’t the one or you’d be blowing her up right now.
I would be having this discussion with her. If you two are in a relationship you entered a commitment for a reason. What are her feelings on this?
I think the frustrating part is that you’re trying to guess how she’s feeling because she isn’t telling you. Maybe you could start by asking her questions about her preference for closeness/distance. It sounds like you want more closeness than she is making space for her in her. It may sound overly tedious, but I would ask her how much texting she prefers, would she be open to more, and reflect your experience of her—she seems distant and you’re concerned that she’s not that into growing with you. What would you do if she said “I just prefer this amount of texting and I’d like to see you more but I can’t right now so this is the most that I can give” ?
I feel like if I start wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere it’s a sure sign I should end things.
You know what to do, king.
Dude, you’re dating a girl 9 years younger than you for the sex and now you’re realizing sex isn’t everything.
It ain’t complicated.
So either suck it up and keep with the sex or break up. It was the same this entire time, you were just thinking with your dick. Now that you’re bored, you want to know if you should break up or not.
Just own it and make a decision. Stop trying to get us to create a scenario where you’re not making these decisions on your own.
If she’s depressed, encourage her to seek professional help. She may not have realized that she needs help and you cannot fix her on your own.
I feel like 4 months in you should still be in the honeymoon phase. That you aren’t still is telling.
What if I told you that In 4 more months and this would be the best it was in your relationship..would you want to stay?
Neither would I.
Stop asking if the grass is greener, and ask yourself what you can actually bring to a relationship.
First, you need to sit down and figure out what your ‘ideal’ relationship would look like with this woman. Make a list of the qualities you need in this relationship, and then identify which are missing, and how important they are to you. Then, you need to talk to her and figure out how you can overcome what’s missing, in particular if it isn’t something you can see yourself being without in order to make things work.
I’ve experienced this, and have come to the conclusion that introspection and communication are the only way through this. If you’ve communicated with her, and things don’t change, then at that point you reassess whether or not to leave. But you’ll be kicking yourself if you decide to leave and realize you never gave her a chance to work with you to fix things.
Edit: As an aside, having read your responses below I can’t help but feel like this woman has stuff she needs to deal with, but lacks the motivation to do so. I personally operate with the mentality that when you decide to be with someone, you accept who they are NOW. That isn’t to say people can’t change; however, you can’t guarantee that they will. So I ask myself if I’d be OK in 5 years being with this person as they are today. If the answer is yes, go for gold… if no, then you need to assess the situation (e.g. are they getting help, are they making an effort to be better) and act accordingly.
I suspect you have fallen for the i can fix her health problems, when in reality all you can do is support her recovery and if she is not making the effort to seek help or break out of the cycle that she is in, you are going to be in the same position you are in this time next year.
You have a tough choice to make end it and feel a bit bad for doing so however you will move forward and find someone at the save level of self motivation or you can sit down with her tell her you are going to support her however she must make the the effort with counselling and growing up a bit with binning the ticktok.
It seems like you’re not into it anymore and your expectations are misaligned. “Started slower than usual”…is this code for sex or something? Every person and relationships is different. I suggest ending it or discussing with her how she feels and how you feel.
Also, relationships take work. The last 2+ years have been extremely hard for people. It sounds like you want something right now that she isn’t able to offer. If she’s breaking down crying about being lonely, why not give her some grace and try to understand rather than expecting her to “do something about it”. Experiencing severe depression and social anxiety are not easy things to overcome. It’s not your job to fix her and it sucks that you seem judgmental about what’s she going through.
Youll need to have a real conversation with her about how youre feeling and see if either of you think its worth fighting for to make GOOD, for both of you. If not then id probably walk away, if youre having thoughts like “id be totally fine if this person broke up with me tomorrow” then you yourself arent that into it either. Dont ignore your gut feelings, just figure out if you want to fix it (if its even within your capability to fix) or if itd be better to just walk away.
Sounds like you’re unhappy and have guilt about maybe wanting to leave because she’s depressed already. I think the girl needs some help, and you’re already looking at what your relationship is going to be like if she’s unwilling to change her own circumstances for her own benefit.