I’m 34(F) and My friend of 8 years – 36(F), single, only child –hasn’t been heard from in 8 months. She has a large group of friends who are more like family – all professionals in their 30s and 40s – who also haven’t heard from her.
For context:
She’s private about the intimate details of her relationships with her parents and romantic partners, she’s very social and connected to her friend.
She calls her mom by her first name, her dad is former military, and she supports them financially. They seem to have a decent relationship as she used to visit her parents regularly and they would visit her too.
She was going through stress with a job she eventually quit and had recently lost a cousin that was more like a sibling than a distant relative.
Where things get strange:
She’s gone dark on all social since December (not typical).
We’ve gone by her place multiple times across months and no answer. It seems like no one is there.
After we hadn’t heard from her for a month a friend called her mom asking if she was okay.
Her mom seemed secretive but said she sees our friend every other week and she’s fine but unsure of why she hasn’t reached out.
We check in with her mom once a month at this point and she gives us a similar response.
We thought maybe she was at a Psych facility but that seems less likely the longer she’s MIA.
Her mom won’t give us any information and we just want to know for sure that she’s okay…we’ll leave her alone after that if she wants.
She doesn’t have fly by night friendships, they are all 5-30 year relationships. She was in some of our weddings and is like and aunt to some of our kids.
Her last text to one friend she talks to everyday and is very close to her 12yo daughter was, “I’m tired”
To other friends she said by text she’s going offline for a bit.
I don’t think she would have completely disappeared off the face of the earth and not made contact with anyone. She would know we’d be worried and would at least send one of us signs of life.
We checked jail records and I’m checking death records.
Are we being paranoid?
Is my plan to threaten her mom for more info too much?
Should we wait to take further action?
What would you all do or want your friends to do?
TL:DR! My friend hasn’t been heard from by anyone other than (allegedly) her parents in 8 months. We’re all worried. Mom won’t give us much info. Should I threaten her mom with police investigation or just let it go?
15 comments
I get you’re concerned, but threatening to involve the police feels like an extreme overstep of what is required here.
Maybe your friend has been going through some emotional issues, and has asked her mom to play interference? How is adding a bunch of cops to that situation, assuming they’d even think this is worth looking into, going to help?
If you’re immediately jumping to some sort of sinister conspiracy or foul play, then yes, I think you’re being paranoid.
Um, if your friend is missing then yes, call the police? Don’t even tell the mom, just call in for a non emergency house call. Also, has anyone stopped by her house?
How do you know her mom is actually talking to her. If your friend has been “missing” for seven months, why haven’t you called the cops?
I wouldn’t threaten anyone. I would do it and not even tell her mom you’ve called. If something did happen and they’re covering it up, it would just give the person a heads up on covering up evidence. At this point though, they’ve had almost a year to do that since no one thought to do this before. You should really report a person missing if no one hears from them in a few days, not almost a year.
Just call and report it. If it turns out it was the wrong move, just apologize and say you guys were scared for her. Don’t think any reasonable person would hold that against you. I really hope she’s okay!
Yea uhm they might’ve been financially abusing your friend….. Maybe they didn’t kill her, she might’ve offed herself (I hope neither happened and that she ran off and started a new life). Stress can definitely cause people to isolate themselves but not usually to this extent… Another plausible possibility is that she’s been arrested and her parents just don’t want to embarrass her and tell her friends. You usually don’t have time to tell people around you that you’ve been arrested.
But definitely bring in some sort of investigator or law enforcement. Just in case.
Does your friend have a current job? Has anyone popped into the parking lot during working hours lately?
If she’s suddenly not doing her usual habits… then yeah, something is up. I think a wellness check might be appropriate.
Has your friend or her family participated in any… fringe religions in the past that might be cutting her off from old social connections?
If I were you I would call the police. I’m the type to isolate when going through things but I can’t imagine isolating to this extent for so long. It could be better having cops check the situation and it being a misunderstanding rather than letting this go on longer if something bad has happened. I hope for your friend nothing bad has happened and she just hasn’t been able to reach out to anybody for whatever reason.
Maybe do a missing person report, so authorities can begin the process of sorting it out.
I would go straight to the police tbh, it’s bizarre that she just essentially disappeared. I hope you and your friends find out what happened to your friend and that she’s ok
You can call and ask for a wellness check.
Police. Ask for a wellness check.
You could always hire a undercover detective to look into it and find out of she is still alive.and if she is where is she living and what is she doing with her life. Is it.possible she got into drugs or she is at some sort of rehab?
where is the daughter? do you know if she’s still going to school?
You should have called the police months ago to do a wellness check. Don’t tell her parents anything. Call the police and tell them what you told us and that they need to do a wellness check. If they aren’t able to establish face-to-face contact, then she should be reported as missing.