I’ve been hooking up with this guy since the beginning of April. For context, we go to the same small college and have seen each other and slept together multiple times a week for the past couple of months. Before last night, we hadn’t had any DTR conversations, other than asking him a couple of weeks ago if he still wanted to see me after our 2-week long break before summer classes, to which he said yes. I’ve attended a couple of formal events with him, he’s done the same for me; I’ve met his friends (including his friends from home over facetime), and he’s met mine. From what I’ve gathered from the situation, our “hookups” feel more intimate than hookups—we have great banter and chemistry, we watch movies together, cuddle, will sometimes sit and look into each other’s eyes, talk about our lives and our families, and are generally pretty intimate when we’re alone and in what we say to each other. About a month ago, we stopped using protection (it was my decision, as I had set the boundary in the first place, but we both got tested, I have a Nexplanon, and we agreed to not sleep with anyone else as long as we weren’t using condoms). Because of the sheer amount of nights we spent together, the growing intimacy, and the lowering of walls, I’ve developed very strong feelings for this guy, and I really think that I may be in love with him (or at the very least falling for him)—I’d like to be moving towards a relationship, but *not* being official right now *is not* a deal-breaker for me.
A couple of days ago, we saw each other for the first time since the 2-week summer break before classes (at my college, all sophomores have to be on and taking classes in the summer, so we’ll both be here until late August). He was very drunk (probably the drunkest he’s been around me), but he reassured me many times that he consented to and wanted to have sex, so we did. About 30 minutes into it (it took a while since we were both drunk), he called me by his ex-girlfriend’s name. I stopped him, confronted him about it, and he profusely apologized and told me that it meant nothing, that it was just a slip of the tongue because he has been dealing with drama with her during his break when he went home. Although I was upset about it at the moment, and we talked about it for an hour that night, I’ve decided to believe him in that it meant nothing.
I told my friends about this, and they urged me that now was the time to have the “where is this going” conversation before things got back to normal. I’ve wanted to talk about this with him for a while, but I kept putting it off because no time felt right. I decided to listen to them, so I invited him over to have dinner with me and my friends and later pulled him up to my room to initiate the conversation.
Essentially what I asked him was where he saw this situation going, where he wanted it to go, and where his head was at now. He told me that he has enjoyed spending time with me, but that he wasn’t ready for a relationship *right now* (he said that because he had been in long term back-to-back relationships for the past couple of years that he couldn’t devote the time or energy into getting into another one now and being dependent on another person). I told him that I didn’t need that right now, but that I was interested in knowing where he could see this heading, to which we both kind of realized that there’s no use speculating on where we want this to go because, really, you’ll never know what you’ll want in the future. To summarize, here are the main points of what he said:
* He very much enjoys spending time with me and hooking up with me, but he can’t take any steps to move forward toward a relationship at this point. He doesn’t know what he’ll want in the future or when/if he’ll be ready for a relationship, so he doesn’t want to promise me anything right now because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He likes operating with me in the moment.
* He sees me as a friend, but also more than a friend. He doesn’t think that we’ve been “just” hooking up, and he likes whatever it is that we’ve been doing. He said that he doesn’t see me as a FWB, “just a hookup,” or a relationship prospect (so I don’t really know how he sees me—something different than platonic friends, something less than a girlfriend?)
And what I said:
* I told him that I wanted to be moving toward a relationship, but that I didn’t need to be in a relationship *right* at this moment. I told him that in a perfect world, we would continue seeing each other, but that we would see each other in a more “courting” context where we were both open to getting to know each other better and going on dates (essentially things that didn’t always end in sex).
* He told me that he would do these things with me, but I pointed out that it would probably mean two different things to the both of us. To me, it would mean seeing him as a potential relationship prospect, and to him, it would be spending time with someone that he likes spending time with, not having to do with a relationship prospect.
* I told him that I was emotionally attached and that I had feelings for him. I asked if he had feelings for me, to which he said yes, but upon discussing more I asked if he had romantic feelings for me. He said that he can’t really have romantic feelings for me if he’s not ready for a relationship, which left me a little confused. What I’m gathering is that he has feelings for me but he is not in a place to allow them to develop into a relationship.
* After talking for a while, I asked him what ideally we would do moving forward, assuming that no one would get hurt and this would be the perfect scenario—he said that he wanted to continue as we have been.
TLDR; He doesn’t want to be in a relationship *right now*, and I don’t need to be *right now*. I’m looking toward where I see this going in the future (which I hope will be more serious), and he doesn’t want to speculate.
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We left it with this:
* Because I’m “further along” (feelings/ready for a relationship-wise) than him, I asked him to be the one to initiate things (ie., if his feelings are progressing, that he would ask me on a date, and if they’re not, he wouldn’t). I don’t want to be too pushy, and because I want to do these things, it’s up to him to decide if we do them based on if he wants to.
* I need to think more about this and talk to my therapist. As of now, I told him that I’d like to continue seeing him the same way that we’ve been before, but that I wouldn’t initiate more intimate things (ie. meeting my friends, doing things that I consider “dates”) in order to save my feelings.
* I would feel more comfortable using protection, as having sex without it is too intimate. He respects my decision.
* Because we’re not together, we’re not technically exclusive. While both of us haven’t slept with anyone else since we began seeing each other, we’re technically free to hook up with other people. I told him that I wouldn’t, and he said that he couldn’t technically promise exclusivity because that would be too similar to a relationship.
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I’m now truly at a loss for what to do. I told myself (before the convo happened) that I couldn’t continue sleeping with him if I was “just” a hookup—but he told me that I wasn’t “just” a hookup. I’m scared that if I continue to see him that I’ll develop deeper feelings and that he’ll still be unready for a relationship, and then I would’ve spent another couple of months getting attached to have it end in another heartbreak. At the same time, I don’t know how he’ll feel in the future, and I don’t know how I’ll feel. I don’t think I can bear living with the regret of walking away now just because he’s not ready for a relationship at the moment. I don’t want to sound too naive, but what if he changes his mind and he’ll eventually decide that he *does* want something more serious?
It is worth mentioning that I’ve never been in a relationship, but that it is something that I want for myself (and that I am willing to be patient). Specifically, I want a relationship with him. I don’t want a relationship just to be in a relationship, so I am willing to wait, but I know that is risky. I’ll end by saying that I really don’t want to lose him and that I’ve never felt this connected and deeply about someone. It’s like he came out of nowhere and completely surprised me and everything had been stupidly and unbelievably perfect until this point.
And I really get what he’s saying about not knowing what we’ll want in the future (logically you never can), so would it be so bad for me to just continue living in the moment with him and when the future gets here, re-evaluate things then? Granted, keeping in the back of my mind that (unless he tells me otherwise) this isn’t currently moving towards a relationship?
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What should I do? Please, PLEASE help.
26 comments
Yal gotta start posting videos or something. I be trying to help but, I can’t sit and read all that
You should see other people. Continue having your thing with this guy as you do, if you like. Wouldn’t recommend it, but it’s your life.
He isn’t going to sprout deeper feelings just because you have, and anything he said along the lines of “maybe someday” was said to spare you hurt. He said it because you’re both young and stupid, and think that the way you spare people is by lying to them and giving them false hopes, rather than being honest and allowing them to hurt, grieve and begin to move on.
I don’t doubt he sees you as more than a booty call, but it’s pretty clear that you aren’t ever going to be the girlfriend. It’s equally as clear that’s what you want. So go get what you want, from someone who wants to give it to you.
Not reading all that. You have a situationship in which he’s getting laid, and leaves you left wanting. You either,
A). Leave and find the relationship you want in it’s entirety.
B). Stay and he keeps getting laid and ditches you when he finds the woman he really wants to be in a relationship with.
End the situationship.
Stop playing cool girl.
Stop letting men use you for sex.
It’s not in **your** best interest.
Girl, please forget this dude. You clearly deserve better.
He wants all the benefits of an LTR (sex, companionship) without putting in any work (commitment, time).
i disagree with the other comments saying he’ll never want a relationship with you. it sounds like he just doesn’t want one currently and needs time to feel single and free, which if you can cope with it, and if he is a genuine person, then that makes sense to do while you’re young; i don’t think that makes him a horrible person who’s using you. but if you’re not content with things being casual since you aren’t on that page of just getting out of back to back committed things, then maybe you should find someone who’s i that first love place.
To me it’s concerning that he’s playing the delay game and at the same time saying he can’t promise exclusivity.
I feel like he will start seeing other girls and you will find yourself falling more and more for him while he’s not falling any further for you. The absolute worst situation you can find yourself in, is too wait around for him and then have him break things off with you when he finds another girl he has stronger feelings for.
You should find someone that feels just as strongly for you as you do for them.
Is this available on Audible?
Right now you’re a fake girlfriend and he intends on keeping you as a fake girlfriend until he finds someone he wants to be his real girlfriend. He gets all the benefits of a relationship with you without having to be in a relationship. Of course he likes that. But please know this: he wants a relationship, his behavior shows that, he just doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU. If you’re okay with how things are going, then feel free to proceed, but once he meets someone, he’ll forget about you quick and disappear. Please make this choice carefully.
TLDR
If it isn’t a yes, it’s a no. And this guy clearly did not give you a yes.
Girl, no. Start seeing other people. Most men say obscure things like he did (yes he likes you more than a friend, has feelings, but not “romantic” feelings etc.) to keep the girl hanging and still in their lives.
He knows if he tells you that he is not seeing this going towards something more, you will STOP hooking up. Clearly, you both enjoy the sexual chemistry, plus he is even getting emotional fulfilment from you because you go to events together and cuddle, watch movies etc. He basically is enjoying all perks of a girlfriend without having to commit. Why would he jeopardize that?
He has found a very diplomatic, vague, confusing middle ground to keep you in, while also not putting any burden of him for making promises. He has simply shielded himself from having to take any responsibility in the future, if this conversation comes up again.
I know you are attached to this person, falling for him, but leave before it causes you more pain. It will. I have been in the exact same situation. You will keep expecting this person to fulfil your needs, and he never will be able to. It will cause you so much unnecessary distress in your life. You sound pretty awesome, you deserve someone who will provide you with what you require in relationships. Drop him.
In short, he’s using you until he finds someone he actually does want to date by leaving you in a vague, undefined zone to string you along.
He’s using you for companionship and sex but not willing to pay the price for such a relationship, which is commitment.
You drop his ass. Nothing you do will change his mind
I don’t understand how you are doing everything as in a committed relationship, yet you are not in a relationship?! If you make no demands you get nothing! Then he meets someone who wants more and then he is willing to commit because that person will not stand for that nonsense! Fine someone who cares enough. You don’t need this!
Blah blah blah blah blah
I would stop seeing him.. find someone who will make you a priority, not an option.
I had my fair share of situationships, and when a guy tells you that he isn’t ready.. believe them. Don’t waste your time on someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
OP if you’re wondering whether someone likes you, they propably don’t. You’re setting yourself up for major disappointment. You’ll just keep falling for him while he pursues other girls.
If he doesnt commit after sleeping with you then he wont ever.He cant just say you are a hookup to him bcos he would lose you. So he hits you with the * not looking for a relationship right *bs.yet he will continue to have sex with you if you allow it. He knows you love him obviously and he is taking advantage of that. Leave him pls
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Stop having sex with him. Not out of spite but why would he commit to you if he’s getting the girlfriend experience with none of the responsibility? Stay friends by all means but if you keep the way you are then you’re going to fall head over heels for a guy who’s not in the same headspace.
If you really like him, see where it goes. You said you’d regret walking away now so don’t walk away. For sure you take a risk of being hurt so just keep that in mind, and if you do end up getting hurt, don’t forget it will be temporary and you’ll get over it. If you feel like you want to keep seeing him, do it and you can always walk away anytime if you change your mind or feel like it’s too hard
Girl just end it right away , this planet has a good amount of people , if he don’t want a relationship in the future with you then why the hell pretend n delay with it … Cut Him Loose you will feel hurt but then again “New is Always Better”
Quit sleeping with him, since he’s not ready for a relationship.
A few things: many guys will say this EXACT thing and then turn right around and go mega obsessed boyfriend for some other girl who satisfied their ideal in ways you don’t. Also, he has little to gain from advancing the relationship; he always gets sex and affection, and he rationally feels you’d probably be less eager to please when things are locked down. Finally, Even if you are not literally looking for relationships that lead to marriage you should only focus on relationships that follow a healthy model for you. This unequal thing is simply you devaluing yourself in hopes of getting something that becomes more difficult the less valued you are. Stay on this course and it will either become normal to you or else you’ll pendulum swing and take out all your repressed baggage and rage on some poor schlub who never got to have fun saddling you with all the baggage.
I think you should move on to someone who actually wants you the way you want them. Why chase after someone who doesn’t want you? Why let them use you for sex? He’s being nice respectful because he wants to keep having sex with you. He does not care about you. He’s future faking you (google it) and you are eating it up.
It’s never going to happen. You need to move on and love yourself.
First….I am impressed by how well you articulate your situation.having never seen, spoken to you, after reading this..I want to date you! I think you’re a very thoughtful,well adjusted, intelligent woman.any one would be lucky to be able to call you “my girlfriend”. I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to your questions. But I do think that you should guard your heart going forward.be cautious about giving him more than you already have.you have both been honest with each other. And I think you’re at a tipping point right now. If he can’t or won’t commit to being exclusive with you then maybe you should take a month off from each other to let your emotions and feelings settle down and get some clarity.maybe that time will help you BOTH. spend time with family and friends. Don’t date anyone else. But take time during the break to reassess the relationship.if his feelings for you aren’t strong enough to be exclusive then you might have to walk away.he is not as mature as you and it seems like he wants to “keep his options open”.I am a guy. I think like a guy. And you may have to commit to yourself to avoid any more pain or indecision. I wish for you all the happiness and fulfillment the world has to offer.take care of YOU first. If he can’t see what is standing RIGHT in front of him,then it is his loss and in the years to come.you will always be the “one that got away”. stay strong.you got this. Believe in yourself.
Wow, are you me lol I’m going through something very similar rn. I don’t have a solution for you, unfortunately. I can tell you my own exp though. From the beginning, he said he wanted something serious. Then 2 months in, he changed his mind and said he’d never call me gf. But he told people we were dating. We were still monogamous and still committed to each other. Two months after that, he said he didn’t want to date anymore. Then a week later, we resumed but in a situationship. We stopped inviting each other to social events but we still hung out together and went on dates. He said he has the desire and intent to see other women, which is why he cannot commit to me, even if his actions thus far haven’t indicated as so. So, this could end at any time.
I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you, though, that as someone in my late 20s and having been in several relationships, I know what I’m worth. I know I deserve better. But for now, this makes me happy. I’m in no rush to get married and idek if I want kids. I thought about this a long while and ultimately decided: if this makes me happy right now, why deny myself of that happiness even if it’s temporary? We have emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, and I set hard boundaries about kissing and sex once monogamy was off the table. Dude’s still here lol. For how long, idk. But it’s nice to have someone there. I’ve decided what I’ll accept *right now*. I won’t accept this forever, which is why I’m still in this. Maybe you have to figure this out for yourself.