Name calling in marriage

30 comments

1. In seriousness and anger? Literally never. That wouldn’t be something either of us would accept in a relationship. In jest we use words like that constantly, but it only works like that because it’s so completely off limits if we weren’t absolutely joking.

2. Is he joking or serious? There’s a big difference…

3. Please look up the four horsemen by Gottman. This sounds like a toxic and abuse

4. This is a nonnegotiable for me, and I told my now-husband about it when we were dating. My ex-husband used to do this, and I was like never again. I guess you have to ask yourself if this is something that you are willing to put up with.

5. Huh? I have never spoken to my wife like that. Don’t tolerate it.

6. Jesus. Absolutely never.

7. Never. Name calling is a no for me.

8. Uhm… never. That’s abusive and not ok.

9. All I have to say is, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

10. never ever EVER. I would not stand for that at all.

11. This sounds so frightening I am scared for you. I hope you are safe OP.

12. In our 30 years together married we have said unkind words to each other but nothing worse than stop being a poopy head. Both my wife and I know how much words hurt from our childhoods and you can’t take things back once they leave your mouth.
    I think it’s caused by one of two things, either contempt for the person or an uncontrollable temper. Either is bad but each must be treated in a different manner. I think temper can be controlled with counseling, contempt, I have no idea how to help fix that.

13. Never. This isn’t something I would tolerate in any relationship, be it romantic, platonic, or familial. I think you need to examine why you are putting up with it.

14. I’ve never said something like that to my wife

15. Never. Ironically this was something my husband brought into our relationship as a HARD boundary when we started dating almost 25 years ago now.

    He has never ever, EVER called me a name. After one particular argument prior to even being engaged, I did. It was as damaging to him as if I’d beaten him physically. Respect, was and will always be a hard boundary for him. And I’m grateful because it gave me a chance to understand how much more important respect is than love in a relationship.

    We just celebrated 22 years of marriage. He was right.

16. 0 times. This is abuse and no one should speak to you this way. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

17. Never. I would never accept it and I would never disrespect my husband or our marriage by name-calling.

18. This is abuse and must never be allowed. I have dealt with this with my husband and name calling is an absolute no go on both sides. It is a fast decent into hell if it is allowed. Counseling from a third party if you think it is worth it or walk away. Because if you start talking to someone like they are trash, you will start to believe they are and that is not a marriage.

    You are in an abusive relationship. You cannot ignore it, it will only get worse. People don’t get better over time without a shit ton of work. Even then, it is a long shot.

19. I have never called my wife cunt or bitch whether in response to a suggestion or in a serious disagreement.

    I highly doubt I would still be married if I did. She would not put up with that level of disrespect.

20. Thanks for the responses everyone. I stay for my daughter, she is 3.5. We have a house, dog, garden, a whole life that we just built together. Scared to leave, scared to stay. I make too much for any assistance and not enough to provide what my daughter deserves. It’s a scary world to step into alone right now. UG 😞

21. Quite a lot, unfortunately..

22. My wife and I have an explicit rule against name calling.

    As soon as you call someone a name, all efforts towards finding a middle ground have ceased and you’re just doing damage for sake of getting revenge.

23. It is shocking what people put up with when I look at this subreddit.

    You should look up signs of abusive relationships and use some critical thinking. You will get the answers you are looking for.

    Websites such as Psychology Today has information on this topic.

    Edit: I just looked at your other comments, OP on this thread and it definitely sounds like it could get physically abusive. Now I am genuinely worried! You need to get out of there like your life depends on it, because it could.

24. I have never called my wife this. We serious bicker and argue too.

25. My husband has and I’ve also called him names in response. It’s not healthy, though. You need to let him know this is a boundary for you and if he doesn’t respect it, consider leaving.

26. Never. Not once in our entire relationship. Why are you with this man?!

27. Not once. I grew up in an abusive household so I thought that name calling was okay and normal. It was my fiánce who set up boundaries in the beginning and said that there will be no name calling in the relationship. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that and it solidified my respect for him even more. It’s been 4 years now and he never stepped on the line even when he was extremely mad at me.

28. My husband had left me, we got divorced but he came immediately back to fix things. He was verbally abusive as well as other things and I told him no more yelling at me or name-calling as part of reconciling. One of the last times I ever saw him he called me a F-ing B*tch standing in my apartment as I was making him breakfast and I calmly looked at him and said ok, we’re done now. I don’t think he believed me because it had been hard to have boundaries before because he threatened to leave me if I would, but now we were already divorced. He had no leverage. I had my boundary. The last time I saw him was at a joint therapy session a few weeks later where I made it official with our therapist that the reconciliation was over. Verbal abuse is abuse. It usually precedes physical violence and is usually paired with emotional abuse. I suggest you read Boundaries in Marriage but if you are Christian, Leslie Vernicks book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage saved my life. I’ve recommended it so many times to help women recognize abuse and begin setting boundaries. Watch her videos online. I wish you luck and I pray change for both of you. He sounds miserable. And you also sound miserable.

29. Never. It’s unacceptable and disrespectful and he knows I won’t tolerate it. Men who do this have issues and I would suggest hauling his hide into therapy ASAP because he likely doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior. Don’t stand for it. You’re better than that – meaning you deserve respect and you should be with someone who expects the same from you. No one should be name calling in a marriage. Period.

30. In the heat of the moment, name calling maybe a couple of times over 10 years, but also not as severe as that (like, lazy or crazy).

    We’ve jokingly said something like “*gasp* you bitch!” But it’s always very clear that we’re goofing around and both laugh about it.

    This sounds problematic because he’s attacking you as a person instead of addressing actions, or things he’d like to see change. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship so it’s hard to say if this is abuse, break down in communicating, or failure to set boundaries with each other. Possibly all of the above. I would need more context to provide more helpful advice.