Before I met my boyfriend he met another girl who he wanted to date but she wasn’t ready for a relationship so she told him to go be happy and find someone else and they can just be friends.
Then he met me and started dating me, she has always been in the picture as his friend and he told me what had happened in the past and that they almost kinda dated before but she didn’t want to because of her mental health.
Things between me and my boyfriend are mostly great. He has ADHD and I have BPD and so sometimes things get a little hard but most of the time we are great. I really love him and I know he loves me too.
I have been feeling lately like he spends a lot more time with his friend and they hang out at her house and drink together, go to the zoo and have dinners together, Netflix together ect. I have never met her or spoken to her, and on the few occasions where I have suggested I meet her or friend her on FB or Snap he says no that would be weird.
We had a little bit of a fight the other day and during the heated argument he said “I lost my best friend the other day and I can’t even tell you about it but she said she’s is in love with me and it’s too hard to hang around me when I’m dating you so now I’ve lost my best friend” after we calmed down and the fight was over we talked about it more. He told me he loves her too and would be dating her already if I wasn’t around, and that if we ever broke up he would wait a few weeks out of respect for me and then start dating her. He said he’s known she’s been in love with him for months now but didn’t want me to know about it and so hid it from me.
He said he loves her but is in love with me, we have been dating for 6 months or so now and he wants me. But he wants to keep her in the picture and fix his friendship with her if he can. But currently she needs space to be heartbroken over him dating me.
I feel like the first mistake I make he will not give me the chance to work on our relationship and will just break it off and date her. I’m scared to tell him that I feel insecure because I’m concerned he will just go chose her because it’s easier than working through things.
TL;DR My boyfriend loves someone else and she loves him back. He says he chooses me but I feel insecure.
What should I do? Should I be worried?
EDIT:
1. he says he loves her but is not in love with her. He is in love with me. But doesn’t want to lose his friendship with her because he doesn’t have many people in his life he can rely on. Eg his parents are garbage.
2. He says he hasn’t introduced me to her yet because he knew how she felt and didn’t want to hurt her more by parading his relationship right in front of her.
47 comments
She loves him, he loves both of you and would be dating her if he wasn’t “already” dating you. Sounds like way too much drama and at any second it could go very poorly for you.
Normally, I’d say trust your boyfriend. However, him saying he’s only with you because you’re already dating isn’t reassuring. It’s not that I necessarily think he’ll cheat on you or leave you for her, it’s just that he seems ambivalent about the relationship. It’s as if he’s in a relationship just because he doesn’t want to be single. It doesn’t really sound like either you or his friend have real long term potential with him. You two are just “good enough” for the time being.
Bro, he hid this shit because he wanted to continue courting her and you at rhe same time. They were never just friends lol. He’s been taking her on dates and shit this whole time.
Like he blatantly told you he already had his backup plan. You’re plan B to the plan A that already failed, which was date her.
And the fact that he weaponized that against you lol. Whooooo. Come on.
>during the heated argument he said “I lost my best friend the other day and I can’t even tell you about it but she said she’s is in love with me and it’s too hard to hang around me when I’m dating you so now I’ve lost my best friend”
He said this 100% to hurt you and put you in your place. He said this so you’d know he had a chick already wanting him so you should be grateful he’s spending time on you. And this was AFTER he already told you he has a female best friend that he spends tons of alone time with and he refuses to let you meet because “that would be weird”
Bro leave. This is pathetic drama. Real talk, she only wants him because he’s taken lol. Once you guys break up they’ll date foe a while and then they’ll implode because they’re emotionally immature kids lol
Move on. You’re worth more than “I’d be with her if you weren’t here”. Like “I’d wait a few weeks out of respect for you” what a fucking psycho.
Fact is you can never move forward unless you and her can bridge the gap and be friends but he and probably her will refuse to let this happen. You’re already the 3rd wheel. If he was serious about you, he’d prioritize making you guys friends. He doesn’t want that because he wants to be able to dump you without worrying about her favoring you over him
It’s definitely a red flag that you never met this girl. I really don’t like the vibe he is giving you about her, like he is just waiting to break up and that telling you these things will force you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it. He isn’t taking any responsibility about this situation.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
That’s what he’s doing. Maybe she’s pie and your cake … he’s just waiting for some ice cream and then he doesn’t have to deal with either of you.
I am sorry that you are going through this. From what I’m hearing it kind of sounds like he’s been going on dates with her without you. You can definitely see that when he didn’t want you guys to meet. If there is love there between the two of them then it’s going to be hard to repair and go back to being “friends”. Not to mention that she basically gave him an ultimatum, you or her. At the end of the day you might need to just think about your values and what you want out of the relationship. He never asked you if all of this would be okay and hasn’t taken your feelings into consideration. Always trust your gut, don’t second guess yourself!
He wants to keep her “friendship” so that she can basically be his backup girlfriend. And are you sure they’re just “friends”? It’s fishy that you’ve never met her. He’s already made it clear that you don’t have his whole heart; he’s already given at least part of it to her. You should be with someone who only wants to be with you.
Girl dump him its only been 6 months…hes been in love with her before u..and never fully loved u.. what are u doing..u will always be 2nd choice
Leave. Leave. Leave. Oh god leave.
In a healthy situation, if she told him she had feelings he’d kindly turn her down and put distance up. He’s literally saying he’s got her waiting, ready to go and will date her if you guys break up. He even blamed you for this and is saying it’s your fault he can’t be with her simply because you exist and he’s comfortable dating you. You’re a place holder rn I’m so sorry. Let him have her and go find someone who actually wants to be with you and only you. He’s having his cake and eating it to, and that’s not healthy in the long run. There are plenty of guys out there who don’t date two girls at once.
He already chose her … run
Deffo leave. The bit that made my jaw drop was “I’d wait A FEW WEEKS out of RESPECT” fuck off – that’s a disgusting thing to say. That’s not even that long – that’s just waiting to get his end away with someone else because truth be told, he wants her. He’s messing with your head and playing you. Walk away. Have some more self respect – for all the women that DIDN’T walk away from shit like this when they were your age (me included). Tell him to do one and find someone else who will love and respect you properly.
I know 6 months can feel like a long time and emotions… but this is one of the most toxic things I’ve read in a long time in terms of emotional blackmail.
I believe you should end your relationship with him because the only thing keeping him from being with her is his relationship with you. Also, he was spending a lot of time with her but didn’t want you to know each other. It sounds like he has been trying to keep both of you and if he really loves you, there’s no reason to keep her that close and blame you for “losing her”.
My first dating rule: I don’t do complicated. Life is supposed to be fun, heart breaks and crazy shit can happen here and there but it’s just not worth it if you have to be this worry.
Are you happy knowing that he’s in love with another woman? It doesn’t matter if he loves you or not, the fact is that HE LOVES HER and SHE LOVES HIM and they would’ve been dating if you’re not in the picture sounds like they’ve been waiting for you to leave them alone.
LOL this truly sounds like Ross and Rachel in Friends.
When you dump him and she loses interest too immediately it will be pretty karmic
Don’t you think you deserve to be the only one he has eyes for?
DUMP HIM. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
You should be more than worried, you should be gone.
This isn’t some childhood best friend who he’s known for years that is his “best friend”…this is just the girl he wanted to date before you, that turned him down and is now proclaiming her love for him. He literally said he would date her if not for you! IF YOU GUYS BREAK UP, HE SAID HE WILL DATE HER. Do you need more of a flashing neon sign than that?!
The whole “he chooses you” thing is seriously a power play by him. It’s gross. He just wants you and this other woman hanging on him. He’s treating you both like toys. Say he “picks” you…that doesn’t make what he’s doing respectful of you.
Also, you’ve never met her and he loves her (!)…the chance that they’ve just remained super platonic throughout this is highly unlikely.
Don’t even waste your time. It’s always going to be her.
Woooowwwww you need to run like you are covered in gasoline and he is on fire chasing you. He doesn’t give two shits about you. GET OUT NOW.
Oh my gosh how are you holding?? I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Ngl, reading your post made me gasp and tear up a bit because I experienced something similar except I was at the aftermath of what would have happened if you stayed and the three relationships continued on. You don’t want reach there so be the one to leave now first. Both of them are incredibly selfish right now and disrespectful to you. You’re in a relationship and she openly tells him her feelings that she’s in love with him and he also feels the same way? No. Too much drama like the other comments saying. Honestly I don’t understand why they come back when someone’s taken.
Also, I think someone also mentioned this but there’s definitely something going on between them where he’s just not telling you about it. He probably feels guilty if you were to meet her so therefore hasn’t introduced her to you.
If he wants to fix his friendship with her, he’s choosing her first and you on the side. Think about that. There’s something called boundaries in a relationship and clearly he’s very lenient of allowing her and himself to overstep the line.
All of these comments — please listen to them. I know you love him, really. But you don’t deserve this for their toxicity behavior of a relationship. You’ve reached 6 months but is it worth to progress further in?
The longer you stay the more hurt you’ll feel throughout feeling worried and insecure.
I’m going to say this one more time, you deserve better girl.
What should you do? Idk take a vacation and enjoy the single life? This boy, because that what he is, can go have fun with his new girlfriend and you should find better.
He told you point blank that you are holding him back from dating the girl he wants. There’s always going to be tension with the three of you if you try and salvage this relationship.
Don’t let him treat you like an option
Tbh he will eventually cheat on u with this girl if he hasnt already, imo cut your losses
I’m sorry but he always chose her from the start. They were never “just friends” if he wanted to date her and all he’s done is use you to make her jealous.
Bin him and move on to someone who wants only you and isn’t playing games.
He is heartbroken over her, she doesn’t like him. He doesn’t let you guys meet because of his twisted stories. My guess would be that he always wanted her first, he dated you to make her jealous, but possibly it didn’t work. Tell him ‘It’s okay I respect your wishes, and if she makes you more happy than that’s what I want for you, to be happy’. Watch him crawling back for you, but beware of entertaining this kid again, get yourself a man.
Hey, polyamorous person here. This guy is a fucking tool. Even if you were open to having a partner with other partners, the way he’s going about things here is totally unethical. He’s clearly hedging his bets and keeping her around as a backup option, and that’s assuming he’s not outright cheating on you with her already. If he had any respect for either of you he’d be 100% clear with where he stands, and commit to his relationship rather than stringing you both along to keep his “safety net” in place. Demand better.
She’s NOT his friend and if he still wants to be friends with her after learning she is into him, then he is sussy.
You deserve to be with someone that puts you first, and there is someone out there that will put you first. To find that person you have to be willing to say no to the BS.
You get to choose and define what kind of relationships you have, is this the kind you want?
You need to get out of the way and let them be together cuz you need to be better to yourself
actually end it. You’re young and dont deserve to be a consolation prize. He’s not all in it and he definitely isn’t “in love” with you if he has someone else lined up already. He’s been dating her this entire time, even if no lines were crossed. Please take this personal, please be offended. Because you deserve someone to put you first and not even have a second place.
Im so sorry but this is not going to work. You need to let him go
NAWWWW BREAK UP! He’s always gonna hold this above your head and eventually neither of you will be satisfied in the relationship. Way too much drama for such a shitty boyfriend
Please gather some self respect a ditch this guy… they’re going out for dinners, going to the zoo, watching Netflix, drinking together AND you’ve never met her!? They’re literally already dating. Unless you’re looking to be part of a polyamorous relationship, this one is a waste of your energy.
He’s playing you for a fool, you can do better.
🚩🚩🚩 you cannot possibly continue this relationship with him it will never work.
He cannot have a platonic friendship with another woman who happens to be in love with him while he is still in a relationship with you. He needs to let you go and be honest with himself. It almost sounds like he wants to keep her around as a friend in case things don’t work out with you. You should never be someone’s second choice.
And for what it’s worth, if my fiance had said to me “I’d be with her right now if it weren’t for you”, I would have dumped him on the spot.
This post is so dumb I mean how dense can you be. He literally told you he loves her and he would date her? He literally takes her on dates and spends more time with her? Why are you “dating” someone who is romantically interested in someone else?? I expect this kind of immature naivety from a 16 year old but you guys are 23?? Just dump him already and find someone that values you jeez.
idk man sounds like he had 2 girlfriends and the other one found out
dump him for your own sanity. you deserve better
It’s only been 6 months, it’s just going to get worse and worse as time goes on. Even if hes completely innocent, you don’t need that stress. You’re still young, find someone that gives you their whole heart and their attention to just you. Don’t ever settle for less than you deserve.
Leave him , if he’s in love with you and not in love with her he wouldn’t say that if he wasn’t dating you already he would go off with her . Don’t put up with his shit , you don’t get to choose two people , and he doesn’t seem to realise that that’s what he’s trying to do .
Are you interested in mono, nonmongamy, or poly? This is a question you might want to ask yourself for starters, with or without, the relationship in mind.
2nd-he said some insensitive things. Even if you were to accept him dating someone else, would you be able to meet her? Would he still water 💦 the relationship you have now and let it blossom 🌸? Would you have open communication, trust, honesty, etc? If you think no, there should be no consideration to any of the above dynamics. Not even friendship. If you think he’ll continue to put you on the back burner and is incapable of being sensitive and vulnerable with you, it’s time to cut ties. Go no contact.
He doesn’t deserve you, imo. It sounds like he’s dating you because he couldn’t get the other girl. He seems to have the mono version of a love triangle instead of “what if I could date both girls I love” and chose the insensitive path, which hurts more. He also blamed your relationship, in a way, for losing his best friend and isn’t dealing with it in a healthy way.
Do you want to put up with this or leave? Heal or deal? Move on to someone more commitment oriented or someone who is partial? Decide what’s best for you. Put yourself in scenarios with him in near future or distant, figure out what life will be like for *you* because you’re the major part of the equation. <3
He’s literally only dating you to make her jealous and show her he has options 🥲
NOPE! You are not his priority you’re literally his second choice and he admitted it. He has hidden her from you and continues to spend a lot of time with her all of this is inappropriate.
I don’t know what else you need to hear from him. Dude told you to your face he only started dating you because his best friend didn’t want to date him, he’s spending all his time with her, taking her out, and feeding you bullshit. Move on.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You’re joking right? Once you two stop dating, you know they will start. Neither woman wins here, you both care about a user.
This isn’t a movie. This isn’t a video game to win. This is your life, and he is telling you that he has feelings for someone else and has a backup plan.
He’s a bad ‘friend’ for stringing along his ‘friend’ who loves him. He is a bad ‘bf’ because he would rather have two girls attention than focus on his partner and grow that relationship.
I’m sorry WHAT !
That is completely fucked up of him and why on earth would you stay in this weird love triangle he has made.
Please respect yourself enough to leave this insane situation right now you deserve so much better.
Coming from someone older and has been there please just RUN. LEAVE. GET OUT. DON’T LOOK BACK. You’re better then that and you deserve better then him.
>he says he loves her but is not in love with her. He is in love with me. But doesn’t want to lose his friendship with her because he doesn’t have many people in his life he can rely on. Eg his parents are garbage. 2. He says he hasn’t introduced me to her yet because he knew how she felt and didn’t want to hurt her more by parading his relationship right in front of her.
I wanna reply to this. So you’re hurting right now and he’s saying he doesn’t want you guys to meet because it would hurt her?? Again, he’s still prioritizing her over you.
He’s not losing her friendship. She’s being a chikd. She’s ruining the dynamic herself. So you’re suffering because of a choice she made and now he’s trying to make sure she’s cared for? Kay. Kay. Cool
Gurlll, he wants you fighting over him.
Laugh in his face and tell him he’s welcome to leave, you’re not going to be anybody’s guilt prize.
> My boyfriends (23M) best friend (23F) is in love with him. But he says he chooses me coz we are already dating.
He’s choosing you because he doesn’t want to be an AH. He’s not saying he’s actually choosing you because he specific values you or the relationship. His best reassurance is that your relationship has too much momentum for him to feel comfortable choosing otherwise.
> I have been feeling lately like he spends a lot more time with his friend and they hang out at her house and drink together, go to the zoo and have dinners together, Netflix together ect.
Red flag considering his history of feelings for herand her ambiguous feelings about him. Especially if his time is weighted more towards her than you.
> I have never met her or spoken to her, and on the few occasions where I have suggested I meet her or friend her on FB or Snap he says no that would be weird.
It’s weirder to have never met the friend he hangs out with a lot and already let you know he tried to date. It’s reasonable to want to size her up and even if there were no history, it’s reasonable to want to meet your bf’s best friend.
> “I lost my best friend the other day and I can’t even tell you about it but she said she’s is in love with me and it’s too hard to hang around me when I’m dating you so now I’ve lost my best friend”
These things don’t just happen. See above red flag about their time together given their history and him never letting you meet her.
> He told me he loves her too and would be dating her already if I wasn’t around
This is just straight up AH behavior and should tell you everything you need to leave. He still loves her and he’s still thinking about ways to be with her.
> and that if we ever broke up he would wait a few weeks out of respect for me and then start dating her.
The respectful thing would have been to not date you while still pining for his friend and to not lead either of you on. This is so laughably tone deaf.
> He said he’s known she’s been in love with him for months now but didn’t want me to know about it and so hid it from me.
This is beyond red flag territory. This is confirmation that everything you could have assumed about the prior red flags is true.
>He said he loves her but is in love with me, we have been dating for 6 months or so now and he wants me. But he wants to keep her in the picture and fix his friendship with her if he can.
6 months is too short an investment for this nonsense. He’s seriously telling you he loves you both and is trying to keep the best parts of both relationships. And instead of reassuring you that you’re chosen and the right one for him, he’s prioritizing this friendship that has crossed a boundary.
> What should I do?
Re-evaluate whether or not he feels like someone who respects you and is considerate. Re-evaluate if you feel respected in the relationship.
Hopefully that ends with you choosing yourself.
> Should I be worried?
Only if you stay in the relationship