I’m 23M, as a couple we speak freely about what we enjoy and what arouses us. Recently she confessed that she likes being treated nicely during sex but being treated roughly would really turn her on.
Violence or misogyny is not part of my life and I don’t really fancy the idea of hitting her or being violent, it would feel incoherent to my values and my personality.
The best way would be to establish a safe-word, some boundaries etc…
But I feel like I would have to roleplay and act a role which would feel fake to me and what I truly am.
I really value her pleasure and her orgasm over everything else during intimacy, but she wants me to have more fun, in a strange and mutual way satisfying this request would be part of taking care of her pleasure but I feel it’s a bit outside my boundaries.
Has anyone ever lived a similar situation how did you find a meeting point?
Tl;dr: GF wants me to violent, I’m not a violent person, what do?
5 comments
There are ways to be more intense, rough, passionate, assertive, without being violent.
The guy I’ve been spending time with kisses me so hard (and I kiss back with the same strength) that sometimes we have swollen lips after.
Try to amp up the passion and the physical pressure. Violence is only non-consensual force.
Find what you’re comfortable with and what feels natural to you. You can really probably give her what she wants without becoming in any way violent.
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First, go join /r/bdsmadvice
Second, you need to sit down with her while you browse the above sub and formulate a post asking like this, but including specific things about her kinks she wants to engage in and her limits and yours.
On a basic level, this is about reprogramming your own brain to understand that things you previously considered wrong are things that turn her on.
But in the details, you need to actually get inside her brain to figure out exactly what turns her on. It cant be as general as roughness and violence yall need to get down to brass tacks and define exactly what she wants to try so you can ask advice for engaging in specific kinks.
First have her clarify what “roughly” means to her. There’s a huge range of what rough could entail. Once you know what she actually wants, start with baby steps! Start with more mild activities like hair pulling, biting, and spanking. Establish and safe word and remember that you can use it too! If you get uncomfortable, you can stop.
I once had a partner who thought he wasn’t into rough stuff. He tried it for me, and ended up getting super into it. Sometimes you don’t know until you try.
Yep. This is my partner and I. I have a very stressful job, I have to make a lot of decisions and there is a lot of responsibility. Same at home. I make all the decisions and there is a lot of financial responsibility etc. I can’t tell you how satisfying it is, to not have to do that in bed. To be submissive and passive to an experience. I’m not saying I like it every time. But, It is one of the most fulfilling sexual experiences when I do get it. My husband is a very soft, kind, gentle and caring man. He was very concerned when I finally brought it up that that is what I want and need. He finds it difficult to do what I ask. But then sees how quick I cum from it. But like you said, you set boundaries, talk about it, set a safe word and work up to it. Start with small things and work up to a place where you are both comfortable.