Hello beautiful people of Reddit! I am in need of outsider perspective. I make a considerable amount more than my current boyfriend of 7 months. We met online and he was so wonderful and things were moving at a very comfortable pace. I end up paying for most things because of the wage difference but never once did I feel like it was inequitable. We have a lot in common and he has met my young daughter who is 7. They get a long great and he has been there for me emotionally. About 3 months into our relationship we planned a trip to Hawaii. He gave me half for the tickets, car and Airbnb that we stayed in since we booked those upfront. I thought it was great he could pay half. When we went to Hawaii though, he was moody, while I was just stoked to be on vacation. I work in finance so I’m usually stressed and really just wanted to unwind. While we were there I ended up paying for everything we did (including food). Assuming that when we got back, he would pay me half (hindsight I realize this is something we should have discussed beforehand). Anyways back to him being moody for most of our trip (with me being very confused ) and when we got back he never mentioned giving me any money for the activities and food we had. I told my therapist this, and she told me that sounded like he was mooching off of me and that I am ignoring all these red flags. Immediately after I was so triggered and hurt/upset that I told him to come and get his crap out of my house. He did so, and the next day I realize that maybe that was harsh and we should talk and clear things up. He was super apologetic, and felt bad/embarrassed that I make more than him and he offered to pay me when he could. That was 2 weeks ago. Yesterday, I get a text from one of my friends (who is a frequent user of tinder) saying she matched with my bf. Turns out the day I broke it off he was back on tinder but then when I confronted him, I find out he never really was ever off of it for our whole relationship. I’m having trouble trusting anything he tells me now, but everything was so great up until our vacation. He’s been super apologetic and telling me he’s willing to do anything to make it work but what the hell? I’m just super confused why he was still on there especially because I met his whole family and he met my daughter. She is my only family, so I would have introduced him to more of mine if I had some. I’m pretty bad at letting people in. So I’m reaching out to you fine people of Reddit!

Edit: Dumped his ass. I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond. Obviously I have a lot to learn and I was naive about many things. I sincerely appreciate everyone offering their comments. Thank you all so much.

23 comments

  2. To me it seems like he expected you to be like ” hey I will pay for everything” since you make way more, so when you brought up the fact he needs to pay he was mad, which makes no sense.

    He showed you how he deals with things when do not go his way ( being moody in HAWAII)

    Also, the fact that he never got off Tinder is a red flag in fact.

  3. He’s a cheater, and a mooch. you moved too fast with him (he had no business meeting your daughter!) but lucky for you, he’s shown his true colors and you can move on.

  4. Leave him and move on. He can’t be trusted and his attitude is only going to get worse

  5. Your therapist is absolutely right you are ignoring red flags bigger than China’s.

  6. >everything was so great up until our vacation.

    Yeah, because that wasn’t him, that was his representative. Everyone is on their 100% BEST behavior in the early months of a relationship. The real person comes out after a while, and the real him is a liar.

  7. Sounds like you had a bad experience. Looks like you jumped to a few conclusions. But based on your occupation, I think in the future you’ll be much more logical in your approach.

    As for him, I’m sort of in the same boat. My GF makes more than me. I don’t let it bother me. Even if it’s just a burger, I always make sure I pay for something. Even if it’s just a gesture.

    The last part… Tinder. Deal breaker. Walk away.

  8. He’s not a good human, he’s never loved you if he can so easily move on

  9. I’m very sorry this happened to you, of course he was cheating , and mooching off and he wasn’t even being polite like why would he be moody and ruining your vacations knowing how stressful your job is? That person isn’t even empathic… it’s nice that he decided to show his true colors that way you don’t have to waste more of your time!

  10. It’s universal that if someone introduces you to their family they consider the relationship to be serious unless otherwise stated. Also he should’ve told you he is not exclusive with you yet if he was going to remain on tinder. The fact that he didn’t apologize and try to change your mind when you asked him to take all his stuff is strange. And as kind as you were to pick up on expenses more often than not due to your earning differences I think that that could’ve been avoided. Dates and outings can be modified to make it affordable for everyone involved and so they can also pitch in. Or it just has to be half and half at all times. Otherwise it’s just not fair to the person paying almost all the time. If you were committed to each other and combined your earnings that would be a different story. I think it’s best you move on. Something just doesn’t seem right with his actions or intention.

  11. Heck no! He never left tinder! Forget about him. It’s not even about the money. Ew. And the day you break up with him he’s matching with your friend? Boy byeeeeee

  12. As a man saying this person seems manipulative… it’s obvious to you now and you decide

  14. Your therapist was right.

    Just block him and do more therapy.

    Also, you shouldn’t have introduced him to your daughter. Maybe wait a year next time. And even if you date someone who has lower income, you can go in cheap dates and do cheaper things so he pays half. It does sound like he was using you.

    > He’s been super apologetic

    Because he misses your $$$$$

  16. >she told me that sounded like he was mooching off of me and that I am ignoring all these red flags.

    She’s 100% right. Not sure why you ignored good advice, but remove the parasite and move on.

    Spend time working on yourself with your therapist. See the red flags BEFORE they meet your daughter. 7 months is pretty fast to meet a child that young.

  18. so most likely he was just mooching off you…..BUT what about the off chance that he swiped on your friend BEFORE you guys were together, and by the time she swiped right on him he had already deleted the app? The tinder algorithms suck for guys…ive had matches show up from a swipe i did months ago before. Just saying

  19. He was cheating on you the whole time and is now upset that he won’t be able to mooch off of you anymore.

  21. I guess the question is whether he was actively using Tinder the whole time you were with him.

    Like did he just not delete it, or was he actively swiping?

    I think it looks bad, but just trying to give the benefit of doubt.

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