I have just been given the news that I will most likely never be capable of having children. Alongside my allergies to NSAIDS, I also have polycystic ovary syndrome, cervical stenosis and endometriosis. I am in my mid-late twenties and have a current partner (Male, also mid-twenties).
I never planned to get married, let alone have children. When I was a teenager, something in my gut told me that wasn’t going to be my life so I learned not to expect anything like that. Now that it’s been more than a decade since I made such a decision, I finally have validation as to why I felt that way.
I haven’t dated since my first boyfriend, whom I was with after I turned 18 for 2 years. We never used protection and I never missed a period. Now I know why. He cheated anyway, before breaking up with me. I wasn’t okay for awhile.
I suppose I want to post this here to sort of process the news. My current partner has been giving me mixed signals between wanting something serious and only wanting something casual. I am thinking about telling him that there’s no worry about getting me pregnant anymore because it’s not possible for me. The treatments for my conditions include contraceptive hormone therapies anyway.
My problem is that I do enjoy our current sexual-somewhat-caught-feelings relationship; but I know it’s not fair to him to give him any hope of having kids with me as it is something he wants but I never expressed I wanted. He’s young, very handsome and can easily find a woman who isn’t defective. As a female, I have no biological usefulness now.
How do I tell him nicely?
10 comments
Just give him the facts and have him make his own decision. If you stay together, great, if not, then at least you’ll have broken up on good terms. Maybe y’all can still be friends, idk.
Defective? You’re more than just having kids please don’t reduce yourself or others to babymaker. Does he definitely want them anyway? Just be honest with him, he may not want kids or if he does there are other options
Just have the convo straight. My gf and I got that out nice and early that she likely can’t have children and I don’t want them anyway. I’m having the snip to make certain but yeah it pays ti both be on the same page.
You won’t know his feelings on the matter unless you discuss it and don’t be down on yourself. Usefulness as a woman? Seems a bit draconian. It’s not all about procreation
You know what would be funny?
If the person who comments and they take advice from is actually their SO
You aren’t defective , don’t call yourself that and come clean to your boyfriend, don’t make his choice for him
>As a female, I have no biological usefulness now.
My sweet dear. You do, you are worthy and infinitely valuable as a person far past your ability to have children. That doesn’t define you or limit you. You can have so much good impact on the world around you, and you probably already do. You can also have loving and fulfilling relationships, tons of people don’t want to have children, myself included. Check out r/childfree if you want to see more of that, although I guess most of the users there are childfree by choice, some are like you.
I realize it must be quite a shock, especially for your relationship and his desires, but it’s not so bad given that you’ve felt that for a long time, right? You just have to get over this mindset that it’s your main or only function. You’re more than incubator, you’re a full person, fill that space deliberately and be that fully.
You. Are. Not. Defective.
Before you end things, before you decide what he wants for him, talk to him. Tell him you can’t have kids and you probably wouldn’t want to even if you could. Let him decide what to do with that information. If you like him and want the option to keep seeing him, make sure he’s informed so he can make the right choice for him. If you don’t want to continue, that’s also okay and you can just tell him you don’t want to continue.
May be just ask him to read this post- you’ve described it well enough!
totally unsolicited advice: do not give up on contraception. i know tons of folks in your position who accidentally got pregnant and had to navigate that.
Honestly just be upfront with him, as painful as it may seem you gotta be honest, even if he doesn’t understand at first as long as you give him a full explanation he will understand if he puts the work in on himself, it’s never easy but you also shouldn’t feel like your useless, you could also explore lab babies as a possibility if you really like him, but if he’s giving you mixed signals it’s probably mutual but he doesn’t wanna hurt you by breaking things off and doesn’t want you to feel lesser for not being able to give him what he wants, idk best advice I can give based on what I’ve learned I hope it helps!