My husband constantly seems to be the victim in any situation, and it’s always like it’s somehow my fault. Unless he’s fully medicated, everyone around is forced to walk on eggshells it seems. If it’s not projecting onto me, it’s onto the kids.
I can’t figure out if this is something I need to work on in myself more by letting him steam it off with no judgment or calling it out, or if there is something I can do to shift the behavior without shaming him for it, or what is it he is dealing with and I can ask for help in therapy for.
Is it me feeling responsible for him, or him making it my problem to solve his own? I used to try and fix and solve, but doing my own codependent work now only do things when they work for me and leave other adults to take care of self. I also am learning to speak up on feelings without over reacting but this kind of communication with him is exhausting. I can never get it right in his eyes it seems, unless I’m tending to his needs.
Examples –
I don’t know where the restaurant is, so I just won’t eat I guess. (I let him know to grab lunch on his way home if he wanted bc everyone else got lunch an hour ago and last time they did this he was upset bc he didn’t know to grab something and he was hungry, which also felt like my fault… he cold easily gps anywhere to eat)
“You left me without food and water for hours at the water park.” (In reality, I asked him multiple times if he wanted anything, brought him snacks anyways when he didn’t answer me and filled our waters when I realized they were out, he was miserable bc he was in the heat and he didn’t feel comfortable asking for what he wanted with other ppls money, didn’t bring his own to the park and was too overwhelmed to go fill waters)
I ask him to put his medical pot where it’s not smelling up the house and it’s “You’re treating me like I’m doing something wrong and no one else cares but you.” (I let him know I let him know how I feel about it, we have kids on vacation and he’s leaving his stuff open and exposed…half the house smells. I asked for a compromise and how I treated him wrongly by doing so. He closed the door in my face to not talk, then eventually did what I asked by compromising.
Kids ask for help with dishwasher.
One kid pulled the bottom heavy rack off its track.
He asks what were you doing?
Kid says (not even our own) trying to get a spoon.
He says, looks like you were trying to do more than just get a spoon.
Whyyyyy does the projection trigger me to feel badly? I do understand it’s also from my own childhood stuff too but is it normal for ppl to speak like this to others? Is it healthy to tend to someone’s emotions like this or healthy to stay in my lane and let them work their stuff out without judgment or calling it out?
I could go on and on.
This is just the past two days.
2 comments
Make sure he isn’t using one of the four horsemen by Gottman
I think your options are keep doing your therapy to support yourself but also to create boundaries in the relationship.
I hope he can work with a therapist one on one but if not please see a marriage counselor
I have been listening to a great podcast about boundaries called beyond bitchy – mastering the art of boundaries. It has really helped me with the codependence happening in my marriage. It helped me stop jumping at every problem or desire he had to fix it or make it happen. He is an adult. He knows how to find food and water and take care of himself. If I’m making food and he is home, I will ask if he wants some. In the past I would get food for him even if he was at work and not home. Not my job anymore. He’s an adult and can figure that out in his own. I’m a people pleaser so it’s hard but I need to listen to what I need and want 1st and foremost. You are not responsible for his actions or feelings. You have no control over him or his behavior. You only have control over your own actions and feelings. We are dealing with other issues in our marriage but this was one part of it.