Did you ask your in-laws “for permission” to propose to your spouse?

44 comments

1. My husband did not ask for permission and it would have bothered me if he had.

2. Yes, in the traditional sense but not realistically.

   When SO and I discussed marriage and all that it entails, it was something that held quite a bit of value in her family.. even if it was slightly superficial. I’d prefer to not have done it, but we have a funny family story about it now and it didnt harm anyone so all good!

3. My husband asked my father. I didn’t expect it but it really meant so much to my dad. It’s a big deal in my indigenous culture and the fact my non indigenous husband took that into consideration really had me appreciate it

4. I did ask and received his blessing. The in laws were touched by this. I didn’t tell my wife that I asked, at some point she found out from her mother and she was very happy to hear that.

5. I used to find this romantic in theory but my husband did not ask because he & my parents did not have the best relationship at the time, and my mom was actually super upset when he proposed (funny because now she adores him). At this point in my life I’m glad he didn’t because I’m not property.

   But clearly it doesn’t really matter how others feel because it bothers your wife. How were you supposed to know that’s what she wanted? I hope it doesn’t bother her too much after 3+ years.

6. I did not ask permission but have often harbored the same thoughts you have. Our situation seemed pretty similar: we knew we’d be married, our parents knew we’d be married, I was well-liked by her family, there was no disrespect.

   I am a little old-fashioned, but not so much as to feel like her dad would be able to stop us. My wife doesn’t care about this, and her parents still love us both, so in the end I guess it didn’t matter.

   Side note: her sister got engaged shortly before we did. And her sister’s fiancé asked permission. The permission was NOT granted (they got married anyway). Yikes.

7. That is a very antiquated practice and presumes she’s basically her father’s property. Glad you thought enough of her and her ability to make her own decisions to ask her directly. I hope she can reframe her thoughts about it.

8. I wish there was an “sorta” or “other” answer. I stopped by by my in laws house when I knew her dad was there. He knew what was going as soon as soon as he saw my car pull up. I told him my plans to propose to his daughter, how much she meant to me, and I kinda have a gave a “my plans for how I’m gonna financially take care of us” spiel even though he didn’t ask for it. I asked him if he had any concerns, questions, or thoughts about it. He didn’t really. He teared up a bit and we had a short heart to heart about love, marriage, and what he hoped for my wife’s future. I didn’t literally ask for permission but it was a meaningful gesture that meant a lot to him. I think maybe people take it too literally.

9. I asked my wife’s father, and my daughter’s husband and other daughter’s fiancé both asked me. It means a LOT to dads of daughters. My wife and daughters also thought it was very important/meaningful.
   (I get that some people find the whole thing offensive and that’s fine for them and I respect that.)

10. My husband asked for my dad’s blessing at my request since I knew how much it would mean to him. In my mind, this is something that should be brought up when you start talking marriage if it’s important.

11. It’s a cultural thing. My husband asked my father for my hand and his blessings. This was all after my husband and I already discussed it.
    And for people saying it implies that a daughter is her father’s property, no.
    It’s a sign of respect. Just like my husband asked my father, my father also asked me if I wanted to marry my now husband. It’s an agreement on both sides

12. The only person who can give my hand in marriage is me. I would’ve been offended if he had asked anyone else.

13. I took my FIL out for a beer and asked him then. I even showed him the ring. He was really touched by it. It made for a neat story he told during his speech at the rehearsal dinner. Although it was just a traditional thing, it’s not like he was going to say “no” or anything. He retells the story at least every other holiday.

14. No, I didn’t. My FIL is a deadbeat and MIL wasn’t exactly parent of the year either, and my wife and I were both gainfully employed adults when we met, so I felt zero need for their permission or even their blessing, neither to cohabit nor to marry. Before we began cohabiting, my now wife did try to arrange a meeting between me and FIL, but FIL declined and so we kind of dropped the rope and he wasn’t even told about the wedding. MIL did jokingly ask if I was going to ask for her daughter’s hand when were about to cohabit, and I just said “no.”

15. My husband asked my mother for permission (dad passed when I was a child). I’d rather he didn’t actually. Personally I find it pretty offensive. It’s an old antiquated “tradition” from when women were viewed as property

16. I would have, but her father is out of the picture. I always liked the respect and formality of that tradition, and I always expected I would ask the future FIL for permission. I never felt the need to ask the MIL.

17. I did. My wife’s father was pleased that I did.

    Perhaps it’s old school, and some will say it relegates a woman to property, but I think it is merely a display of respect.

18. My wife asked my mother over a two hour lunch between the two of them where apparently my mother turned it into an interrogation asking everything about her past and future plans.

    My father had already made it very well known that he would never approve of me marrying a woman and so he wasn’t involved, but I appreciated my wife asking my mother and really appreciated her putting up with my mother’s overprotective questioning.

19. I asked my parents and her parents for their blessing for us to get married. We got married young, and they collectively paid for the wedding, so it was important and helpful. My parents had a raucous 2 hour discussion about all the challenges and difficulties we would face getting married young, questioning if we were ready for it. I convinced them eventually. I FaceTimed her parents (we were long distance) and they said they’d love to have me as part of the family before I finished the question. I finally “officially proposed” romantically on a beach in the rain to my now spouse. We’ve been happily married for almost 5 years now, and I really appreciate my in-laws and we both regularly go to our parents and our in-laws for advice on different things.

    Just my story.

20. Yes I asked, but it was totally a sentiment thing.

    I sent a hand written letter to her parents on the other side of the world, ‘sharing my intentions’

21. I didn’t ask permission but I told them ahead of time that I was going to propose

22. I told them I was going to and asked for their insight and blessing, but didn’t seek “permission”.

23. Hell no, my husband didn’t ask. It would have been weird if he asked (not their decision) and there’s definitely a chance they would have said no at the time (we were both 21 and I got an earful from my family about how young we were). Also my dad never asked my grandfather to marry my mom and both parents still think it’s weird how upset my grandfather was about it lol.

24. My husband wanted to, but I wouldn’t let him. My parents were very strict with me growing up and felt very suffocated by their rules and expectations. I was out on my own and independent when I met my husband, so I felt like it would have been an insult to ask my parent’s permission at that point. My husband respected my wishes. If it is important to your wife, it isn’t too late to explain to her parents that you didn’t know better and didn’t mean any disrespect. Maybe you can even retrospectively ask for their blessing.

25. My husband didn’t ask for permission but he did bring it up to both my parents (not just my dad) and let them know he was going to propose that’s basically it

26. I didn’t ask for permission. I think that concept is very backwards and demeaning towards women. Their parents don’t own them.

    Her and her mother are close, so I did feel it important to sit down and chat with her about it first. I would have spoken to her dad too, but he did some things to her around that time that really upset me, so I decided not to.

27. I was living on my own, had a small child. My husband told my daughter he wanted to marry her mommy. My parents loved him so it would been a yes from my dad has he asked.

    Edited…. honestly I don’t know if he brought it up to my dad. We’ve been married 23 years. It was a long time ago…lol I just remember him telling me he talked to my daughter about it.

28. We didn’t have a one-sided proposal – just decided we were ready to get married and set a date. But we talked about this ahead of time – mostly that anyone who would do this to marry me wouldn’t know me well enough to marry me. This is something that she should have let you know was important to her while dating since it’s important to some people, neutral to others, and abhorrent to others.

29. I’ve always felt that if you need your parents permission to get married you’re not grown enough to be getting married.

30. No. I was an adult and had been living on my own for seven years. I am no one’s property and I belong to no one; therefore there was no one to ask permission from except me.

31. We were together for 9yrs and we showed the family the ring during christmas. People asked but didnt say much else. Her dad actually said not to marry her (cause he could never keep a wife happy).

    Super weird but we actually got married 3 yrs ago without any family in attendance. We didnt even invite them since no one seemed interested about the engagement. For the record we are the only ones on both sides to have children, never have dated someone else as adults, have a home and good career. Out of all of our siblings it is just us, lol. Outside of dating for 9yrs we took the straight and narrow path.

    I wouldn’t let it bother you too much but maybe just talk to her dad. I think a conversation with him could smooth a lot of this over, and remember…it could have been worse.

32. My husband did not. If he had it would gave shown he did not know me at all

33. I didn’t. And my wife wasn’t happy I didn’t. I thought it was sexist and degrading. She thought it was tradition.

34. I “asked” but it was more like…I was letting them in on the secret plan that was happening regardless lol luckily they would have never objected in a million years. But I thought it was cool to have that moment.

35. While I didn’t, my now FIL was upset that I did not.y wife and I were together like 7 years before we got married, so I kinda figured I was past that part, lol. Guess not. Whoops.

36. We were in our forties. Would have been weird.

37. My wife’s family was a little upset I didn’t uphold the tradition. I was same as you, just wasnt something I was thinking about.

    They were a but upset but eventually they got over it. NBD. Just apologize, and then it’s on them to get over it/

38. My husband asked my mom for her blessing because I told him that it is tradition and he could tell it meant so much to her, he was glad he did and we are happily married

39. My husband didn’t “ask”. He told my father he was proposing.

    In my husband’s words: “your father doesn’t own you and he doesn’t get to decide whether I marry you or not”

40. My husband did. He asked my mom and grandma. He knew it was important to me. It was something that i clearly communicated with him. If I took the stance of I did not want that he would have known that as well.

41. My husband did even though my dad didn’t deserved it.

42. My wife would have said no to my proposal if I asked her parents for permission lmfao

43. My husband didn’t ask my father and my father would have probably told him to leave and pretend he hadn’t asked him as it was none of his business anyway with may swear words thrown in. I honestly wouldn’t have cared if he had as the traditions of marriage weren’t important to me to begin with, especially since we had already been living together for almost 10 years, owned a home together, and were fully committed but it would have bothered my father that he was consulted before me.

44. my husband took my dad golfing, and they just sort of talked. it was less of “can i marry your daughter” and more my dad telling my husband how much he adored him and gave him marriage advice.