If yes, could you share how it happened to you?
I’m 23 M and never had a girlfriend. Now i just don’t want to try anymore, don’t even have the will to text girls, or talk to them just to eventually try to ask them out and maybe finally having a relationship.
I’m wondering if this advice actually worked for some or it’s just a saying.
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Yup! On our first date I literally told my now boyfriend, been together 2.5yrs, that I wanted to focus on myself, grow and that I wasn’t planning on a relationship straight off the bat. He was the same and all “I’m moving back to London in 3 months so don’t fall for me… heh heh “. Nek minute were both obsessed with each other and he asked me to move to England lol.
You do you and slowly your confidence and joy comes back to you and attracts just that into your life. Mind you, my version of me doing me still involved dating… I just really was not looking for a relationship which totally takes the pressure off and allows you to be more picky!
I’d say no? Been working on myself for 4 years without being on OLD and haven’t had any luck irl. Its not like its common for girls to approach. You probably need to actively place yourself in areas where girls will initiate talking at least but I dont see how that isnt “chasing” if you dont enjoy those activities. None of my current hobbies, (gym, gaming, studying) involve much human interaction in the first place. So most likely you will need to chase eventually but I presume its so youre in a better position to be more attractive.
You’re only going to get anecdotal evidence in your replies. What I will say though is that working on yourself is good for you no matter if you get a girlfriend or not. Feeling better physically and mentally, picking up new hobbies and expanding your social circle will make you happier in the long run. Instead of spending your time chasing women with the possibility of no success, I would try and control what you can control, work on yourself.
Ehhh it does sorta , but you gotta go out more and do more activities to put yourself out there . Updating social media helps too ( new pics ) . Also light convo . Only twice this has worked , and they walked up and introduced themselves . They never worked out though
This is one of those advice given by people who are always in relationship. If you are 23 and still without gf it doesn’t apply to you. Same bs as “WoRk On YoUrSeLf”
It works when your a women since most guys make the first move. If your a guy, more likely then not your just making yourself a 40 year old virgin lol
To find a gf you have to be active in dating. Focusing on yourself is fine but most women don’t approach men so you still need to put in effort aka take focus off on you and put it into someone else.
Generally this works because when you “chase girls” the desperation is obvious and a turn off. You need to figure out why you have this desperation to find a girl, you’re only 23. From the ages of 20-30 you change a loooooooot. Within this time you hopefully become more secure as a person and generally know more of what you want in life and out of a partner.
If you’re just trying to find someone to date, it’s obvious and generally makes someone feel like they’re just another fish in the pond you’re trying to catch, nothing special. If you just live life and enjoy your time alone, the right person will come along.
You can’t take the advice too literally.
Just focusing on yourself while cutting yourself off from opportunities to meet and connect with women isn’t going to make one magically appear in your apartment/home.
In the same way, relentlessly hounding women isn’t going to guarantee that one of them will want to be with you.
So the work on yourself first advice is supposed to get you thinking about the ways that you can improve yourself or your life so that it’s more attractive to a potential partner and that in itself will increase the chance that you’ll occur to a woman as an option. It’s about setting yourself up to appear on their radars when you do interact with them.
Don’t avoid women in the meantime and absolutely work on your ability to hold a conversation and feel comfortable around single women without necessarily going after them.
It works 100% but when you have a girls attention, how you gonna do it? What keeps her more interested in you than being a distant ice block. Sometimes you need to comfort her too.
Yes it’s been pretty much my life for the last 6 years. Focus on your career and figure out who you are and who you want to be.
ETA: I spent all of 2017 alone in the forest or working on a career change. In 2018 I met an amazing woman and spent 3 nights with her. 6 weeks later we were living together. We stayed together for 3.5 years. Best relationship ever. In my experience things don’t have to last forever to have value.
I have no problem getting dates now that I’m single.
If you make yourself to be exceptional, you will naturally attract options and that is real. Being a genuinely high value man, physically, mentally and spiritually, turns you into a magnet because people can really sense that they’re dealing with someone exceptional. Be your best self, throw yourself at challenges, conquer them and you will notice that you’re no longer invisible. On the contrary, EVERYONE sees you 🙂
In general, it’s great advice to work on your education, health, physique, career, finances, hobbies to be the best version of yourself. But you do this for yourself, not to attract women. Making finding a woman the primary focus of your life is a bad idea, but if you do these things you maximize your chances of finding one.
That being said, you’re 23 and a girlfriend isn’t going to just fall in your lap so you can’t give up. The longer you go without a girlfriend, I think the harder it will be to find one. It’s frustrating but you have to learn how to deal with rejection. We all face it and it sucks, but as men we are expected to do all the pursuing.
So *work* on yourself, but also put yourself out there if you want a girlfriend. But try not and let this be your sole focus.
As a woman who has given up on dating because I legitimately hate myself, I don’t know if my advice will help. I hate me, to the point where I stopped online dating because so many men would say “Hello Beautiful” and I would look at myself and say “that was just a good picture, I’m not beautiful.” I would meet men and they would be nice but I couldn’t understand what they saw in me. I felt like a lie. You do need to have some self worth to find someone. Otherwise you constantly feel like they are playing a prank on you or, in my case, feel like they are making fun of you. You need to like the person in the mirror enough to care.
Well, it just finally worked for me. I had been single for a bit over two years, and I was finally understanding how it meant to work on yourself (for me it was more of a like yourself and eventually you’ll find someone who also likes you), and about a month ago a girl from work approached me, and now we have been going on dates since then. I think what was different is that i wasn’t trying to beg for love or like trying to convince her to date me, since when you find someone who likes you then she will want to be with me.
I’d suggest try to find what you like about you, and if you find something you don’t, then you can do something about it. Also trying to find what you like in girls is good, as it makes it easier when the opportunity comes.
Good luck brother! Hope this was helpful
Totally works. When you are feeling fit and well adjusted and comfortable in your skin…when you are not desperately seeking attention and validation from women…youbwill hold yourself differently, act differently, and give off better vibes. Youll be more approachable, more desirable, etc. Honestly the best way to meet someone is to be open and not prioritize it….concentrate on being your best self and you will naturally attract compatible people.
You will try if you see the right one. I had that mindset too.
Yes!
The thing is that most guys aren’t actually disciplined enough to follow through.
So, it really depends… focusing on yourself will give you an advantage over guys that are lazy fucks and don’t put any effort into building their own life. It will also make you more interesting as you literally do things in your life that are interestig to you. And it will bring you into a position where you don’t need validation from girls, which also is a very attractive feature.
That said you shouldn’t let opportunities for experiences pass ‘because you ONLY focus on yourself’. That would be plain stupid. You do want experiences with girls, you just don’t want to be dependant on them to have a great life. That is not always easy and I am sure A LOT of guys are struggling with this balance.
In my experience opportunities come if you are emotionally least attached to them, so basically if you are not expecting anything to happen. That however requires you to take those opportunities as they present themselves.
I made a lot of mistakes regardig this in my past, but I learned. I always used to commit to girls that showed intrest pretty quickly, so I got a lot of disappointment out of that. Now I also try to focus on myself, though I do enjoy the conpany of a woman when it’s the right time and situation.
This advice works to an extent.
When seeking for a partner you will fail the huge majority of time. This is true for everyone. 99 % of the people you meet aren’t a good match. But then, you just need the one.
Point is, if you invest all your time and effort into something with which you will be failing a lot, that will do serious damage to your self esteem, which will on turn have serious negative effects on your life.
You should be meeting people and casually dating people, yes, because partners don’t just drop onto your lap. But you shouldn’t expect it to work quickly, and you shouldn’t make it the major part of your life because you’ll be failing a lot. So do something else that gives you feelings of success and achievement (aka “working on yourself”), while slowly seeing people on the side.
Not in itself no.
Seneca said luck is when Opportunity meets preparation and I’m inclined to agree with that definition; working on yourself is the preparation and allows you to capitalise on opportunities. Also that preparation should actually create more opportunities by expanding your horizons.
No. Men have to do the chasing 99.0% of the time if you want a relationship. Anyone who says not to chase is probably a woman, and well.. women don’t exactly have to do the chasing so why on earth would they know
Focusing on yourself should always be just that, for yourself. Build a good foundation for your life; focus on getting a decent job, being independent, getting into shape, whatever you feel like will help you become a better version of yourself.
Do *not* do it to get women. As a guy, finding a partner requires you to be proactive. Focusing on yourself won’t do that. It’s the same advice as saying, “sit back and let them come to you.” That advice won’t work for men, the harsh reality is that you have to put in the effort. As a consequence, that means it won’t likely happen if you stop trying.
There is a middle ground though, the better version of yourself will probably have better luck with dating, but I wouldn’t suggest that you do self-improvement strictly for dating. You want your happiness to come from you, that way you’re comfortable with being alone.
It’s good advice for the most part but a girlfriend isn’t going to just happen. You have to put some effort into it
yes it is good advice because when you’re actually happy with yourself and have your life in order you will attract more people
that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to date, just that a shift in focus is a better long-term solution
you’re not supposed to “find a girlfriend” you’re supposed to meet people and out of them you’ll run into people compatible with you assuming you choose the correct social circles
don’t underestimate how many potential partners you will run into if you just go about doing things you enjoy
I theorize that if you prioritize less on girls; or rather dating them and saviring their acceptance, and more on important matters then you’ll have more clarity on who you are looking for.
Even so, I encourage you to have more platonic relationships with women to see how they behave & to normalize your experience around them.
If you worry less on women and better your body, mind, and spirit, you’ll notice their attraction.
It was weird to me when I noticed it because I wasn’t used to it.
Another thing, if you better yourself and have a better opinion about yourself and your wellbeing then other people will notice that. That self-respect and self-control will almost emanate from you.
I occasionally notice the eyes and it feels good sometimes but I remember to not let that acknowledgement get to me because the eyes didn’t make me, I (essentially & God in Christ Himself) brought me here. Being mindful and viewing yourself appropriately as you grow into a mature, humble, responsible, self-controlled, and disciplined person, will other people notice too and will gravitate because who you are becoming will be someone admirable to follow and tag along with.
I hope this helps you. 🙏
God bless!
So I 33m have been single for three years now. And honestly I am significantly happier than I have ever been. Don’t get me wrong I still have lonely nights. But I have a good job, a thriving business, a nice small home that is suitable for me and my cat.
Now if I told myself this at 23 I would have hated what my life was going to become. All the way through my twenties it was find a girlfriend! Now I just live life and do things I enjoy.
I don’t know if I ever will find anyone now because my standards are much higher than they were 10 years ago, not because of looks but because I am so content with my own life if someone were to join me it would have to be an extreme net positive. But working on yourself leads to a different type of happiness and contentment.
It’ll only work if you’re actually putting in the effort to achieve results. If you just stop you’ll gain contentment but nothing else.
It only works if is an actionable thing. For example, for me I need to become a little bit more confident and buff to truly get women attention. So I could just be comfortable with being shy and scrawny and believe that somehow loving on myself will attract others or I can push myself to gain a little muscles and social.
This may take 4 years to truly walk into however it would put me in a different reality all together. So thats how I see it. It can be a big cope if it just means being to yourself and not doing anything and then yes
Yes it has worked. I started seriously working on myself maybe 3 years ago. I got off social media, learned about how my brain works in turns of dopamine etc to become more of a “doer”, worked on my confidence, started meditating and consistently working out and try as often as I can to be ME and not wear a mask of what I think people want from me. During this time I completely stopped trying to get women. I went like nearly 2 years without having any romantic relations with a woman. This doesn’t mean stop talking to them, as you need to practice that to. Just be friends with them.
It started to work about a year ago, I noticed some girls who I would’ve always considered as out of my league, were interested in me. I had a girlfriend for about 5 months, I ended things for personal reasons, but even now I’m talking to girls more often and going on dates.
It’s not as simple as going to the gym for a couple months and you’re going to be irresistible, nor is it a matter of reading a few self help books. You have to consciously try and improve yourself. For example I’d be really anxious going over to a new group of people thinking “Oh there’s so many of them I might forget their names, or say something stupid oh god what do I say”
Then change the inner dialogue to “That’s fuckin dumb, I’m going to go over and introduce myself and maybe we’ll be friends or maybe we won’t, what’s important is I get this experience” and force myself over to them.
The advice really does work. People just don’t know how to truly work on themselves. You’re not trying to make yourself appear better, you’re trying to BE better. It’s not easy. And it takes a long time. But it’s worth it.
The best way to focus on yourself in order to find a gf nowadays is to improve your looks and post cool photos on instagram.and tinder
I mean, kinda, you still have to do a lot of work as a guy. Dress well, walk right, ask the right girls out, but not chasing after them and being ok with blowing them off will trick a lot of them into thinking you are worth something. And if you get lucky, it wont be just a bowl of bologna and then you are stuck with this weirdo who is making your life better and more miserable somehow at the same time.
It worked for me when I was younger for sure. Building good habits in general, getting a stable job, being in shape and being cultured and learned gave me the confidence to talk to women I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do so before. The habits stayed with me and it just made me a more well rounded person so it works in that sense I guess.
It has worked for me. Going to a lot of social events and being my best self has netted me a few connections.
Seems to have worked for my husband. He was definitely not seeking a relationship when I decided I liked him.
We were just friends in a fairly large social group and the feelings developed on their own without specific effort. (Obviously we added specific effort when we started dating) but it makes sense to me to just enjoy being around people you enjoy being around and someone will eventually stand out.
This is a self-contradictory statement. Dating is a game of numbers, and the odds are obviously not in your favor. Working on yourself means improving what’s needed to be worked on, that includes stepping up your dating game by putting yourself in front of them instead of lying down and waiting for the apple to fall into your mouth. Dating is all about going all in and making a commitment, to yourself and to your partner. Dating is being the ideal person the way you want to be instead of what others want you to be.
I know I sound all over the place but trust me, I speak from personal experience.
In my case I’d have to say yes I’m 22f and my boyfriend is 21m I first met him at work together and we didn’t talk outside of that but I got his number from someone else at work and started texting him. He said at first he wasn’t quick to get his hopes up because he felt like I was out of his league and couldn’t believe I was talking to him. It took a lot of courage but I thought he was so cute and decided to shoot my shot lol. We started messaging each other a lot after that and the more I got to know him and found we had similar childhoods the more I began to like him and I’m so glad the feelings were mutual😊 now we’ve been together almost two years and have a baby boy on the way and are best friends, idk how but I happened to run into such a loyal genuine person with me myself also being a very loyal person. We get along well and would rather discuss any differences than get loud arguing over them. So for me and him both it was out of nowhere, I didn’t expect it to get anywhere and neither did he but here we are🥰 just realized I didn’t actually answer your question though, at this time I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and had gotten myself mentally and physically healthy, I’d say I was at the best point I’d ever been and was just intending on being friends with him .
From personal experience, the advice is only half true. Focusing on yourself will 100% help you attract more, and higher quality, women. However, unless you live a very extroverted lifestyle, women aren’t going going to fall out of the sky and sweep you off your feet. Men have the burden and privilege of 90% of the time haing to make the first move. So work on yourself AND chase women.
Yes and no, I found that once I really loved myself dating was easier and less heart breaking
Also I must add I hadn’t been with a guy since 2013😅 and had gotten out of relationship with a girl a year prior lol
I’m in the same boat, never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never kissed a woman, the usual shtick, it’s not that sex and kissing are stupidly difficult tasks that you can never get a grasp of, but lack of experience is obviously hindering especially because it puts some pressure on the other person, and most people want something easy, plus, if you’re introverted and lack energy to get out there and go out at night and do the regular dating scene thingies, you’re at a disadvantage: with that being said, don’t fucking date: just don’t, don’t even think about dating, carry on with your life as usual
the whole focus on yourself advice, from someone who is exactly going through the same things as you are, ultimately should mean that dating should not be a priority in your life, it’s supposed to be a privilege, something that shouldn’t be taken for granted, a deviance from our overbearingly dull and mostly uneventful lives, and it’s a privilege that, most of the time, is granted through opportunity, and those come when you’re attractive to the other person (mostly on the physical side)
so as someone with no experience in your 20s, your best bet is to live your life for yourself, enjoy things for the sake of it, because those are activities and things you’re passionate about, and perfect them as you will, perfect and mold yourself and your life as you please, gain independence, not just from external forces (parents, finances, whatever), but from your own internal biases of what other people think that you should do and of what you think that other people would like about you, and in the middle of all that it’s possible that someone will care for you and be interested in you, and luckily for you you might feel the same way, because, ultimately, there isn’t anything more attractive than someone who is passionate about what they do, your passions turn to knowledge and experience, and that turns itself into confidence, and if you carry yourself around with the same swagger you carry while doing the things you’re truly passionate about, and if you prove your worth there is NO WAY that people won’t pay attention to what your doing
nothing you do will grant you women, sex, or company, because it’s not up to you to decide whether people are attracted to you or not, especially the ones you are attracted to, and even if you do all of this, people still might not care, so at the end of the day, do whatever makes you feel more comfortable
TL;DR: reject dating, embrace self-fulfillment
It’s more like if you do that, you’re in a much better position when you meet someone you’re compatible with. It’s not a magic ticket, it’s stacking the deck in favor of you actually having success when you meet a compatible partner.