Posted this before but got removed for some reason, so I’m rephrasing to be less direct.
Let’s hypothetically say you’ve been dating a hypothetical someone for about a week and things are going great so far, hypothetically of course.
Let’s then say that this person reveals they’ve been with 20+ people in the past. How would you feel about this?
I feel like I shouldn’t care, and yet I think I do…
47 comments
Well mine is way beyond 20 so who the fuck am I to judge.
Edit: 20 is the number OP is saying is a lot for a woman and we should feel some kind of way about. My number is none of anyone’s business beyond me and my current gf. I am not even remotely proud of my number. Theres a whole fuck ton of bad choices and regrets behind it. If you comment about how high your number is 1. Idgaf. 2. I assume you’re full of shit. The entire point of my comment is I’m not going to shame or judge a girl for something I’ve done as well. If you are trying to impress a random dude on reddit congratulations you’re sad af and blocked you weirdo.
Personally I would not be with her, consider your own sexual history
I guess it depends on your age & lifestyle but the older you get 20 people isn’t many.
Do they have any sexually transmitted diseases? Do they cheat?
If the answer to both of these are no then I really couldn’t care how many people someone has slept with.
I have history too. Not bothered at all
>Posted this before but got removed for some reason
Because it’s really, really, really frequently asked. The short answer is: some guys care, some guys don’t.
If your post gets deleted, maybe consider not posting it again. Harrumph.
I would be concerned but for a different reason. Are these 20 different relationships or just a number of one-night-stands. If its the later, just use protection just in case, but for the former then its a definite red flag.
i would probably do the macarena
Wouldn’t say anything at first. But I’d keep it in mind.
Personally it would bother me because I’m very careful with people I get intimate with meaning, it has always been in a relationship. If they’ve had 20 or so relationships I would see it as someone who jumps from one person to the next and can’t be alone to figure themselves out. Again, some people don’t mind it but most are bothered by the idea.
I find promiscuity unappealing, so I wouldn’t consider a long term relationship.
I think the issue here is less about their number and more about yours. 20 is a small number for some and a huge one for others. So I can only awnser your questionwith a question. .. does their experience “make” you feel inexperienced? Or like you have a problem?
Another way to look at it is…
If they were with 1k people and it’s you they want. What does that say about how they feel about you.
Or
If you are the only person they have been with do you feel like you are less likely to be their last?
Or
Are you afraid you won’t live up to a standard?
I have high number, I am also a bisexual, so I have been with women, other men, everything in between. So I find the most critical tend to be men with lower numbers. And I have a theory that this has to do with society and how on a societal level we only value men (or women) for virility. Yet we unfortunately live in a society that put a ton of value in gender roles. What is a man if he isn’t virile. What is a women if they are a slut etc?
I suggest you focus less on the number. And what qualities they possess that got them to you in the first place.
I’ve found it’s better just not to ask and love that person in the present. Like, I dont even know how many women I’ve slept with over the last 23 years of being sexually active, furthermore, I wouldn’t want to know how many men dicked down my partner because it’s not relevant. I’m ok just leaving that topic out of the discussion.
It’s one of those things that becomes more significant the more you know about it. I never ask. When women start telling me about their past unprompted, my instincts basically tell me that they’re ashamed of things they’ve done. If I feel like you’re ashamed of your own sexual history, I question a persons judgement and start to lose interest.
I care about more specific things than a persons actual number. If it’s discovered that a woman I’m seeing has cheated, or homewrecked/slept with someone who was married, had sex with someone because they had a lot of money, used sex as a way to manipulate someone, or anything like that, she’s no longer girlfriend material in my mind. I would probably still sleep with her because I’m a piece of shit, but I couldn’t date a woman who has done things like that.
There is a reason why women aren’t completely honest about their body count or lie. If it didn’t matter then they would be more honest or open about it.
It’s a lot easier for women to get sex since they decide who they sleep with. It becomes questionable when they have tons of partners. For a man it means he’s desirable since women want to sleep with him.
Some people may not care or say they don’t care. Plenty of people in this world so someone will accept you for who you are.
People change. Not an issue for me.
The number isn’t of concern. The reason behind the number is more of the issue for some guys. A higher number can be an indicator of a lifestyle/world view that some men don’t align with.
I’m a “relationship sex” person, not a casual sex person. So I’d be interested whether her 20+ partners were casual or relationships.
If she’s had 20+ casual partners, I’d then be interested whether she is still just adding notches to her bedpost or settling down, and if settling down whether her past is truly and safely in the past.
If she’s had 20+ relationships, I’d be concerned that she too easily gives her heart away, and whether I’m just the next future ex.
Also I’m 61, so I expect counts in the double digits anyway.
IMO, if a person practiced safe sex in those previous encounters, it shouldn’t matter, HOWEVER, I can understand if someone was dating another person and their personal sexual history wasn’t similar, and it bothered either person. For example, person A. Has been with 20+ people. Person B. Has been with under 10 people. I can understand person B. Being uncomfortable etc, because of societal norms, personal preference, sexual health fears etc. overall if something like that is bothering a person, an honest conversation is needed.
I’d be gone honestly. I dont care if people look down on me for it but I find 20+ to be a red flag
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to
Doesn’t it also depend on age of person and circumstances? If 40 years old, 25 partners is different than someone who is 20. Not that it’s bad but circumstances surrounding judgment, etc. would be different.
This question gets asked a lot and every time it’s the same general sentiment. Most men usually care about promiscuity, some don’t.
Personally I would not want a partner with a large sexual history of different partners. To me it means either you don’t want a relationship or you can’t keep a relationship. Neither of those warrant me keeping you around.
OP, there is nothing wrong for caring about it, and don’t let somebody else tell you otherwise. Everyone has their preferences.
I think it could be an indicator of attachment issues and other issues, but in the absence of those I wouldn’t have a problem with it as there are healthy people who just happen to enjoy sex.
Are they 20 and hitting the club every night or 50 with a long history of being single. In other words, to me it’s not the number but the stories behind them.
My partner and I have never talked about our sexual history besides STI talk. We’re both jealous and know we wouldn’t be happy with the answer regardless of how many or how few. We love each other and are loyal to each other so that’s literally all that matters.
You have every right to not want to be with a woman purely based on the ammount of men she’s slept with, reddit love to say otherwise but its true. Just as you can have literally any reason you want not to sleep someone…free country!
People value sex differently. Its not wrong to want a low partner count person, you just shouldn’t be ‘shaming’ people for it.
Its an easy fix ‘Our beliefs in the meaning of sex dont seem to align so I don’t think we are a good match.’
I have a (reddit defined) high body count and some women don’t like that about me. I don’t hold that against them, and I think it is a valid reason for not wanting to be with me. I have also been a woman’s second with that high body count and it didn’t bug her at all.
Just dont be a damn hypocrite and expect all people to have low or high counts.
At one point, I had a gf of 1.5 years. She ended the relationship. 8 months later she returned with regrets and wanted to reconnect. During our first date of reconnect, she admitted to sleeping with 20+ men during those 8 months.
At dinner, I was very forgiving and told her it all happened when we were apart, etc.
Later that night, I struggled with it a LOT and in the AM, we parted ways.
Ignorance is bliss. May have been better had I not known but truth does come out…eventually.
Wouldn’t care. The only thing is whether or not those experiences were nice, and of course assuming that she was safe and responsible. Or if it was traumatic or not you know. But if she’s just vibing and having a good time, good for her.
[https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/](https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/)
“62. Women with 6 or more premarital sexual partners are almost 3 times less likely to be in a stable marriage.”
Suppose that this can be used to longtime relationship.
(search women divorce rate by body count for more info)
Edit:
In 1934, a study “sex and culture ” by anthropologist Joseph Unwind. use 86 societies/ civilization in history to show the relationship between sexual freedom and the flourishing of the culture.
Results of the research show that the civilization who restrain pre-marital sex and monogamous marriage are the most advanced of the 86 societies after 3 generations.
In the contrary, the societies who have full freedom pre marital sex and non-monogamous marriage are the one who do the worst of all and go decline after 3 generations.
Meh, none of my business. As long as they’re not racking up a body count while we’re together as well.
Im 32 i dont expect a short one and niether should they from me. You get to this age you dont really talk about it anyway.
As long as the history never involved cheating, it wouldn’t bother me
Here are several factors to consider:
1 – Was it just casual sex or formal relationships?
2 – Age, it is not the same 20 at 18 years and at 40.
3 – This hypothetical person, took care against STDs?
Sure there are more factors but I would probably be happy, because you will probably have a better performance in sex.
Imagine being the last one, must be a special person with confidence and love?
If she’s been with a lot of guys? Wouldn’t care. Probably knows what she’s doing.
If she’s cheated on a lot of guys? Leave her to the streets.
Look at it it like this. No matter what your sexual past is how would you want your partner to react when you tell them about it.
As someone who’s dated OPs mom I can confidently say you’d happily wait in a long line to ride that ride
Like all jokes aside I’d rather not ask or be asked about my sexual past with my new partner.
I mean that would be completely expected, since I’m in my thirties. 20+ is not enough partners at that age to get me to raise an eyebrow.
If the number was much higher than that, like 50+ then the most important thing becomes the reason why. Some people sleep around because of deep insecurities or sexual trauma or because they can’t commit to anyone. I’d like to know if any of those are applicable.
Age matters here. If they are 40? That’s probably a reasonable number.
Are they 22? Seems like a lot?
Hard to get over if you haven’t had a long history yourself, but as long as their list stops at you and doesn’t keep running up the numbers, nothing to worry about.
Honestly regardless of the number, there’s gonna almost always be other people besides you. And for her, there were others before her. You’d end up comparing yourself to the others regardless of what the number is.
Personally I wouldn’t want to know. At the end of the day it is what it is and you can’t change it so stop letting it eat you alive. If you like them then you like them. And if they’re not an immature idiot, they won’t judge you for inexperience. Some people actually think inexperience is hot. Ask girls, plenty of them will tell you the hookups were bad anyway. Dudes looking to hook up dgaf about the girl, they just care about getting laid. So even if it’s 5 or 20 or 10, the odds of it being good are sadly not that high for women. The orgasm gap is sooo real.
You care because you’re prob feeling like you can’t compare and also cuz society conditions men to slut shame. Either way, it is what it is so you’re just driving yourself crazy trying to control something that already happened. So don’t keep focusing on something like that.
Doesn’t matter who they’ve been with before me. If you like to have sex, good for you. I like it too.
If you’re someone who’s a prude about sex, then of course knowing about someone’s history will bother you.
It bothers you for a reason.
If you are not comfortable with it, then ignore anyone saying you’re insecure, or that you need to get over it. Your feelings towards this are completely valid.
Break up with this person, but don’t shame them whilst doing it.
I would let it go, the # of people doesn’t matter, I’ve been with girls who have been with 2 guys and girls who have been with 15. The girl that was with 15 was just as cool as the girl that was with 2.
I find worrying about that stuff kinda immature in the sense (unless there going to cheat on you or something) who they have slept with in the past doesn’t change how they make you feel now, how you spend time together, what you enjoy. Important things in life go to fast, so worrying about stuff like, oh she slept with 5 guys but I was cool with 3 is minor in my books, even if that # was 4x that.
just me though lol