Hi! I’m 27 weeks pregnant with our first child!
Everyone ofc is always concerned about the mothers welfare but I want to know how to better take care of Dad too.
I’ve never seen my husband be so anxious about anything before and I was wondering if you had any input on how to help.
I’ve asked him, he’s just very simply put it he’s got normal dad anxiety.
31 comments
From what I’ve seen its semi-normal. Most of my friends who are couples have gone through some version of it.
The women go into a crazy nesting mode cleaning the shit out of everything and the guys usually need to make everything safe and prepare for everything and anything.
You’re about to experience a literal lifestyle extinction. Just take care of each and communicate. Don’t get mad if he isn’t helping if you don’t ask. Always be a united front when dealing with the child. If the kid learns to exploit inconsistency you’re in for a bad time.
His anxiety is normal in guys who are excited about being a Dad. I was super excited and nervous when my first child was due.
If you feel his anxiety is a bit too much for his normal amount, have him talk to the baby. Though some people feel that this doesn’t do anything, it’s a bonding mechanism for him to the baby but if he gets really into it, it’ll calm him too.
Thank you for taking his feelings into account during a time in which the guy is usually ignored. You’re going to have an awesome family!
Nothing cuts the stress like a bj. Sounds insane, shallow, selfish etc. but honestly, knowing that your sex life isn’t going to spend the next 20 years on the back burner will help him settle into that role more comfortably
My 3rd is due at the end of the month and I’m still anxious as hell.
When people would ask me if I wanted a boy or a girl, I’d always respond “a healthy baby” and I meant it. Sort of a silent meditative prayer.
Anxiety is normal. Sometimes I wish we were still in that cultural time period where I could hide in the waiting room during labor and smoke and pace.
Get him a book for fatherhood ,right now not much for him to do your doing the important work, when he does something nice for you make a comment about he’s going to make a great dad will boost his ego and mental health
I was was scared to death when my child was born. Nothing would calm me. Had what i thought was valid concerns. Am I going to be a good father? Will I be able to support the young man? How can I raise a kid if I still think I’m a kid myself.
( i was 35) selfishly I was also worried about my wife staying fat. No more pussy. You know the common stuff.
It was not until my son was born and placed in my arms that the anxiety left. I knew it was time to man up, and I set forth to accomplish those goals
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By no means am i a father but ive had my scares and avoided a false you’re the father moment but anyway worst thing you can do is stress him out or put pressures fortunately you’re married because ive seen 9/10 guys who get stressed leave out of pure anxiety and pressure that sent them over the edge only to come back later the anxiety is normal just remember everything and anything about the baby is going through his mind
First, as others said, thank you for taking him into account. It’s not easy. It’s much easier to forget his care while you take care of yourself and the baby. I would say telling him you even asked should make him feel better.
I would specify what kind of anxiety: Does he feel guilty about something around it (e.g. guilt for “not being ready”)? Is he afraid of medical issues (for you and/or the baby)? Does he fear his own future failure? Each of these needs to be handled differently, and you will know better than any redditor how to help him through each possibility.
I will add to what others said: sex is genuinely good. Even just flirting. Let him know he’s still *desired*. Not just *desirable* – that’s a passive state and indicates nothing about your view of him. But to be actively desired is a great ego booster. I know some things are a bit awkward physically with you in this state, but there are positions and activities you can use that work around this.
Thank you again, on all of our behalfs, for considering him in this time.
I remember that phase. It all went away the second I held my son. I knew at that point I would do whatever had to be done and had no doubt I’d be able too. Maybe let him know that.
Also, you get a bit of fear too the first time mom falls asleep and it’s you and baby alone…you really realize it is “all on you” (not always, but at that moment and many more to come). Save this nugget for after your baby is born though 🙂
Nice of you to think of his well being.
It’s normal. It will eventually subside, but never completely leave.
Make sure to have him do bath time. Changing diapers, read to the baby. Naps and sleeping.
I know you must be uncomfortable. But try initiating random physical encounters with him. Catch him a bit off guard. Show him you still want him.
It helps a lot.
Honestly, I’m not sure what you can do other than wait for the baby to be there. Actually having the baby and having everything go (mostly) fine was what relieved my anxiety. It’s hard to be the man in a pregnancy because it just feels like you have very little control over everything. Once the baby is there and he can help, it will probably get better.
I joked a lot. For example, I sometimes played pilot/bombardier. As in, I pretended I was a WWII pilot talking over the intercom to the baby bombardier and would regularly say
“Dad to baby, dad to baby, you’ve got four weeks before delivery, over.”
or
“Baby, do you read me? It’s time for dinner. Your mother wants pasta but I say chicken. What are your thoughts,. Over?”
I joke a lot, so making my wife laugh as I got ready to play with my daughter helped us both.
Has he talked to other dads? Any of his friends already dads that can be real with him? I saw my siblings have kids before me but I was the first in my friends group to become a dad. Now that some of my friends are about to be dads or very new dads we talk about it and the soon-to-be dads will ask “So how is it?” “Is it scary?” etc. I am always very real with them and tell them things like “It is definitely a lifestyle change but it is totally worth it. Sure they cry, sure they poop but so does everyone else.”
I try to be real with them and not over exaggerate the good or the bad just that it is more good than bad. Being a dad is the best part about me and I make sure they know it. I love my kids but I don’t always like them and I think that’s okay.
My advice to him is to talk to other dads. It helped me tremendously. I am an anxious person too and it won’t go away talking to other dads but it’s reassuring knowing life doesn’t end when the child arrives. I would argue it get better and forces you to slow down and stay in the moment. So much work but SOOOO much fun!
Congratulations to you both!
Honestly it’s the little things. Make him know about your confidence in him. As he feels the baby kick re assure how much of an amazing father he will. Tell him how you can’t wait to watch him play and cuddle with baby as you already see it happening in your head. My wife did this me and as I would sometimes be negative, her always having the confidence in me was big for my sake. Because then I started to see it. Also like others have said it does seem to all go away once he has that baby in his arms. The love comes rushing in, the sense to be more for baby and mom is truly there. Re assurance in him will go a long ways.
Not a dad
Men don’t become fathers until they see the baby
It’s normal
Women bond with their child during pregnancy (the baby will recognize your voice at birth).
Until that baby pops out, dad will be stuck in a situation that is more theoretical than real which tends to cause a lot of anxiety. The moment he holds the baby, it will all become real to him, and a lot of that anxiety should melt away.
It’s good that he’s anxious. Means he cares. Beyond just keeping him informed and involved in all the steps, you don’t need to feel responsible for managing his emotions during this. Your job is yourself and the baby.
Now then, if he stops caring, you let us know and we will collectively come over and kick his ass.
One thing that I didn’t know when our first was born was that babies don’t look like babies when they’re fresh. I saw the conehead and some blue limbs and *immediately* thought she had birth defects.
Definitely walk through expectations with your husband for what’s going to happen in the delivery room, and set expectations for when you get home. He’s probably anxious because this is something he can’t control and/or can’t prepare for. The more he can prep, the less his anxiety will likely be (although I’m sure he’s going to be anxious about *something*).
Talk about what he thinks being a “good father” means. Talk about how being a parent is going to affect being a spouse. Talk about expectations for sex after the baby is born. Talk about *actionable items* you both can do. Anxiety is caused by uncertainty, so if you want to reduce his anxiety, reduce his uncertainty. His anxiety may also be cause by idle hands, so if there’s stuff he can actively do to better prep the environment, that may help settle his nerves as well.
Also, you guys get as much sleep as you can right now! Sleep in every weekend if you’re able. The sleep deprivation in the newborn phase is really going to test you guys. My wife and I became completely different people during that time (my wife said it was like everyday she put another rubber-band on around her head), so definitely just try to be kind to each other and let any edge go in one ear and out the other.
Really lovely that you’re so concerned about your husband. Usually during this time, people are more focused on the mum and baby, but it’s a trying time for the fathers too, as they’re understandably incredibly anxious.
Talk to him, spend quality time with him to take his mind off things and make sure he’s as involved as possible. He’s still going to be nervous but hopefully it will allay some fears if he’s more relaxed. (Sorry, I know I’m a childless woman answering!)
All the best for a safe delivery and congratulations to you both!
Let him know about how good he’s doing taking care of you. He’s probably really worried about being able to provide and be a good enough care giver. So highlight his successes for him.
Have him look into the practice of mindfulness
Education will set him free, try books, classes, chatting with more experienced people. Children are quite resilient, parents make mistakes, think and plan,
Routines, will help baby and dad, get them skin time and bath time, tell him it’s normal to feel like you will drop your precious child when carrying on the stairs.
Child development isn’t luck, your baby absolutely needs lots love, time, and care. He will need to put himself last, the laying on a Saturday morning will be gone for quite some time.
Get him to think about what play he will like to do, to read stories, encouragement of him is very important tell him his silly voices in stories are brilliant (they won’t be) lol.
Things don’t go to plan, so have back up plans, pick the battles,
When the first baby is born the. so are parents, it’s an adventure enjoy –
let him fuss. not everything he’s gonna do for you/the baby is actually about either of you.
also, let him know how good he’s taking care of you.
I was a mess with baby #1.. Stress the importance of just being present in these moments before and after birth. Anxiety can override these precious core memories and I have a lot of regret about that with my first kid. Be present. Soak it all in. Its one of the most beautiful things that happens in our lives. Dont let your worries and insecurities distract you from how amazing becoming a parent is.
Lots of sex helped a whole bunch. I’m being serious.
Mine are 17&16 and I’m still anxious. It’s called being a dad. 🤣🤣🤣 He’ll do fine. He’s just anxious because he cares and that’s a good thing. Just tell him not to worry, It’ll all be ok.
I think I should start asking or unpacking what parts of being a Dad makes him scared.
Anxiety is big subject working deeper on what are triggers.
Once know come back I can try help work throufht them from my experience.
I awoke one night about three weeks before my first was born and seriously thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the hospital and nope, it was a bad case of the “how the hell can I be a father” syndrome.
He has so much to look forward to:
* The first smile
* Their first laugh
* The first time the baby grabs onto one of his fingers and holds on
* the times when he’ll be called daddy even when he’s tired and the child wants to play
* reading books and hearing the kid laugh
* doing something and noticing the child watching him in awe
* the continued laughing
* the first steps
* then after those steps having a little shadow that only wants to go with you
* the first day of school
* the last day of school…
Reassure him that there are millions of great dads in the world and that you know he’s going to be one as well, but to your child he’ll be the greatest!
It’s a lot of sacrifice to do it right but my oldest just graduated high school and man the memories I have raising that child.
It’s worth it, it just is.
When we were expecting our first child the hospital offered a dad and baby class. It was put on by dads and for dads. They talked about things like changing diapers, what to expect in the coming months, managing this new stress, and some of the joys of being a dad. Look to see if there is something like this in your area. I think we were turned on to it by the birthing class.
Find the source for the anxiety.