My bf bought his first apartment recently, and we have agreed I will move in within a few months, too. This is overall a small issue, but I feel that I want to learn to compromise in situations like these in general.
He’s buying some of the furniture now, and I’m bringing some of my stuff later. Most of my furniture doesn’t fit in this apartment, so theres alot of shopping to do. I absolutely love interior design, I work in the architecture field, and these are things are some of my passions. One of my biggest dreams in life was to be able to live independently (due to health issues), and it has been so nice to decorate and take care of my apartment that I live in now. I take great care in personalizing it.
At the same time it’s important to my bf too, of course. He’s excited to move in and har worked very hard to get where he is. He bought the apartment, and it’s important he feels at home too.
The thing is we really don’t agree on the style of the furniture. I tell him what I like or what I don’t like if he asks, and make it clear that it’s his desicion. But I think he senses that I don’t like the things he likes, and it stresses him out. He shows that stress by being a little defensive, I feel. It just makes the discussion a little difficult, and none of us are really telling exactly what we feel. I definitely know it’s a small issue, and I have faith that we will make it a home either way, as I love being with him more than anything. But I do want to make the space feel like my home.
How can I make him feel heard? I want him to not be nervous when we don’t agree 100%, and that we discuss things doesn’t need to be bad thing. It’s the first big rhing in out relationship where we really need to work together, I want to think it through. It occurs to me that he’s not used to being heard, as a man I don’t think he finds it easy to navigate. Any advice would be appreciated!!
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In a similar situation (furnishing my apartment when we were planning on living together in the not distant future) I just took her furniture shopping with me.
No point in buying something she wouldn’t want to live with and I absolutely did not think it was clear that it was my decision. It was going to be our furniture in our place, being only mine was a transitory state and even during that period she was spending a lot of time at my place so I wanted her to like what was there.
Easy, you get what you want because 99% of the time the woman is right in these types of things. Guys are sometimes right on colors though
Tell him to just accept that you know better than him in style and y’all can be happy
You should ask him what his most favorite or important piece of furniture is.
And then you should challenge yourself, in your professional capacity, to design around this most favorite piece. It doesn’t matter if you don’t happen to like the piece in question, because that is precisely the challenge you have to set for yourself. You have to figure out how to integrate his choice into your aesthetic.
Call it a “creative constraint”. Any good design professional worth her salt would be able to work within such constraints.
Why can’t you guys split up/choose rooms of the home to call dibs on designing styles for?
Then center living room area you leave it neutral looking as possible
Or someone gets a bigger say on color scheme while the other gets a bigger say on type of furniture?
Also tell him it’s okay to not like each other’s styles. It’s best to say that now vs keep that inside to blow up in a future argument
You can disagree on stuff bc that’s the first step into figuring out a compromise no?
This is a common issue with a lot of couples.
Almost all the women I’ve dated and moved in with have made huge deals about controlling the interior layout and decorating. I usually get one room which is mine and veto over anything that really others me. The only exception to that is when I already have the place and its setup and they move in with me. Then its like a slow burn makeover they chip away at.
In practice I’ll throw down if I find something ugly or functionally problematic. I also tend to get pissy about physically blocking access ways with shit.
I think one of the reasons I did enjoy living on my own was I didn’t have to deal with any of it and the place felt like it was completely mine.
I understand you feeling this way since you have a plan to move in there in the near future. He is proud that he has his own place and wants to make it his just as you have done for yourself in your apartment. You will either both need to decide on pieces together or you may just have to let him satisfy his need for it to be his own until you move in then work on compromising on the space to fit both of your needs. Good luck.
My wife makes the decisions on home decor and I have veto power. I don’t think I’ve ever used it but it’s nice to know it’s there. If your guy is more opinionated and the apartment is big enough, maybe set aside one room where each of you can do whatever you like. Then compromise on what’s left.
If you have the room for it try to plan out your appt so you each have “your own space” so when you do need some alone time or he does you have a place to go.
My advice would be to shop together, and either go in with guidelines to work off of, and/or give him/each other options.
So, for example, say he really wants a sectional and that is important to him. Maybe you can pick out a few options you like, then let him choose which one. Sometimes just having a say in the matter, makes all the difference.
Either you learn how to solve conflicts together, or you don’t.
There will be many more things you won’t agree on than some pieces of furniture.
That’s easy: His apartment, his choice.
I’d just give her a bunch options and the one we both like I’ll get. We both have to like it or it won’t be bought. That way your both happy.
You accept, on any given issue, that compromise is about both of you being slightly worse off than you’d like and almost never about both getting what you want.
I reckon it took a couple of years for wide and I to really get this, but once you both understand it its a game changer.