Okay, I’ve (f23) been dating someone new (m26) for a little while now and in general I feel like he’s a great guy, but at one point when we were still just friends we were talking about our past relationships, the concept of cheating came up and he said he’d been cheated on before. I said I was really sorry that had happened to him and he said something along the lines of “infidelity is a fact of life” and “everyone cheats eventually” which threw me off. I debated him on it for a little while and he said some things about that experience being long in the past and behind him now, and then ended up taking it back and saying that “everyone cheats or is cheated on”, I accepted it but I still found it kind of weird. I brought it up with him again a little later out of sheer curiosity and asked him if he would ever cheat on anyone, and basically I just remember like a deep sigh, maybe around a 15-20 second pause and then a “no, I don’t think I could”. Like, should I be worried that that was as difficult as it was for him to answer? It seems like it should be an obvious hard no. Trying not to make a mistake, if I was cheated on it would destroy me. Lol
TLDR – it seemed like it was difficult for my boyfriend to come to the conclusion that he wouldn’t cheat on a partner
5 comments
Well, I wouldn’t trust him. Also, I know cheating is common, but not everyone cheats or is cheated on. His view that it is inevitable is probably because he assumes most people are like him, and he doesn’t seem that set against cheating. Usually people who expect others to cheat are willing to cheat. I could give him a pass for having been cheated on, except what he said is pretty disturbing.
It honestly sounds like he has a lot of baggage. My first interpretation is that he thinks: “Everyone cheats, but I don’t think I could… so she will cheat on me one day, too.” Basically, I see the issue that, in his eyes, *you* have already been labeled a (future) cheater and thus, he will likely be unable to trust you. And the sigh was just him being defeated because he doesn’t believe that someone wouldn’t cheat on him.
But that’s just my interpretation. Still, with him believing that everyone cheats, I wouldn’t date this guy. Every good and healthy relationship needs trust and if he doesn’t have that, he will either stay distant or turn controlling/insecure.
as someone who had a similar conversation with an ex fiancee, take that as a window into who he is. she ended up cheating on me and i broke off the engagement.
A cheater is a cheater, not everyone is a cheater. A cheater is a cheater when they choose to go out of the boundaries of the ones who they claim to love. He seems very sketchy because not everyone cheats, so maybe he has something to work on before this relationship gets deeper. I’m glad you took notice of this because it’s very important. Pls take care and stay safe!
I dunno, I’m with this guy and have never cheated myself. AMA.
I would add that I’d say “on a long enough time horizon” as a qualification for “everyone cheats or gets cheated on”. In a 30 year marriage, it’s very improbable that a couple doesn’t brush up against an emotional affair or a one off physical thing or *something*, no matter how good everyone’s intentions were.
Are there couples that never experience that in any sense? Of course. But that’s relatively rare, in my opinion. And people tend to keep it private if the infidelity doesn’t end the relationship. But it’s incredibly common, and I do sorta price it in as a thing that can easily happen even if your partner isn’t “the cheating type”, whatever that means.