I (20M) messed up a close relationship, have learned and want to make it up to them.

(throwaway acc due to privacy & being new to Reddit)

tl;dr I unfortunately vented too much, displaced trust in friends and didn’t respect boundaries at the time, I’ve genuinely learned and want to reconnect, I’m getting mixed signals & it seems out of character for them to drop it all together knowing everything.

Hi, I’ll get into all of this. I’m (20M) and I unfortunately got into a situation with 2 really close friends. It’s a long story so I’ll try to summarize. I know this may seem off putting but the friendship I had with this group of people (including others I won’t mention) was online. Online either goes as stereotypical as it sounds or it genuinely becomes an amazing bond, thankfully it was the second one, we texted, talked, video’d played games together and even wanted to make plans to meet up in the future, we saw each other in a way as family due to how close and nice things felt. I’ve known them for 1-2 years roughly.

One of the close friends I definitely bothered more than the other. (We’ll call him “A” and the other “B”) “A” was genuinely one of the kindest and most supportive people I met in such a long time, they helped me a lot with what I was struggling with, through reassurance, advice, helping me push forward and hanging out. I looked up to them, they are (23M) and we considered each other family. Something important to note is unfortunately, a couple years ago I was abandoned by a very toxic group of friends, I had self esteem problems at the time due to not coming from a very supportive family due to traditions influencing them too much. I ended up getting hospitalized, did a program, and thankfully moved to a different school since the one I went to was very small.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how badly these past events and especially that one hurt me. It caused me to vent excessively to “A” and “B” and others too, I remember not placing trust into others out of fear that I would be hurt, and later on, I definitely began overstepping boundaries, especially with “A”. (The person I looked up to)

I was able to read the room and understand what was needed, but at the time my fears unfortunately just controlled me too much and I let my urges get to me. I kept pressuring and causing discomfort to others, people held on for such a long time and gave me chances before, I did improve but it was also not by much. Unfortunately, in January I ended up getting removed. (causing discomfort via venting excessively, not respecting boundaries especially “A”s and not putting trust into others, when I wanted to be trusted too ironically enough…)

I was definitely heart broken, it reminded me of the past a lot. But this time, I unfortunately caused this situation instead of the other way around due to letting stuff get to me too much. There were of course other factors which resulted in me acting the way I did back then, but I know in the end, it was my responsibility that this happened and affected others.

They knew I wasn’t the best with giving time due to fear of abandonment, so I tried after a week to apologize for what I did, no response. Another week and I asked to hangout because maybe they were tired of the serious stuff, no response. As painful as it was, I realized they probably needed much more time, that even though I wasn’t removed from everywhere (despite “A” and “B” claiming they did, “A” kept me added on our main source of communication, “B” unblocked later but we didn’t say anything for a while.)

I’ve been able to thankfully reflect a lot and learn from my mistakes, it’s unfortunate I had to “wake up” and get out of such a malicious loop of trauma and fear that also caused a lot of pain to people I genuinely loved. I realize that right now I probably have a “discomforting” stigma to others in the group that “A” and “B” are apart of, which is upsetting. I remember they told me about how they wouldn’t leave me, and how they understand me which I believe they do, based on their actions they absolutely did. They believed I wasn’t a bad person either, I just had to know that I surpassed a limit that made them unable to deal with things anymore, I ended up pushing boundaries too hard with “A” and I absolutely regret it.

Its been around 2 months later, no contact due to me wanting to respect their space. On Monday, I decided to write one last apology after talking it over with some other friends who don’t know them regarding the situation and I genuinely do believe I was able to make a heartfelt, sincere apology. I made sure to even look up what goes into an apology that goes above and beyond, to speak through the heart, admit my mistakes, what I want to fix and expressing how they must’ve felt, my regret.

This has unfortunately been messing me up mentally pretty badly, due to how important they were to me. I decided to give them a week long timeframe for them to tell me if they’re willing to reconnect, need some time to process or even if they want to end it here. The reason is because I need to work on my mental health and the uncertainty has been hurting a lot. It’s also just weird how many mixed signals I got from them, knowing who they are, what they’ve told me before, how I’m not actually “blocked” everywhere. It seems like something you wouldn’t miss if you truly wanted someone gone, especially what each person specifically did in that regard. (not blocking main comms, unblocking eventually)

I was wondering, because I know both “A” and “B” can be busy, if it would be appropriate to send a message asking if they got my apology, due to the timeframe attached. I wouldn’t want to jump to a conclusion without them possibly not getting it (in the sense they might not see it, open it and forget to respond.)

I genuinely do believe I’ve changed, I don’t want to make this longer than it already is but I’m thankful from what I’ve learned out of this. I’m afraid to move on… It’s a real possibility and I know despite the pain, that of course I have so much to offer. Relationships are extremely important to me due to the past, and genuinely not having a supportive family. I was wondering what you guys personally thought, if sending that reminder message is worth it near the end of the timeframe. (I made sure to include they of course they need more time.) I just simply can’t wait anymore and I know they would want the best for me, despite how things turned out, because I do think the bonds we had were genuinely special.

Thank you for hearing me out, if anyone has some advice regarding this I would appreciate it a ton. 🙂