My boyfriend (21M) and I (22F) have been dating for almost a year now. He has been absolutely fantastic, he is such a sweet, considerate person and I love him a lot.
In the first couple of months, he was pretty good at taking care of his hygiene. As we got more comfortable with each other he got more relaxed, which I totally understand! He also has depression, and I know that can make it a lot harder to take care of yourself, and I love and support him through that. He often goes a few days without showering, he had trouble doing his laundry, and he has a bad habit of scratching his skin until he bleeds. I want him to take care of himself, so I buy him lotions, exfoliators, and fidget toys and gently remind him to use them, but he rarely does it on his own. It’s fine, I know he is trying to make an effort, he’s just going through a rough time right now.
But the thing that does bother me, and that prompted me to write this post, is that in the past few weeks I have noticed doesn’t shower after we have sex. We usually have sex in the evening when his roommate is out, and then I head home shortly after. I always remind him to shower after or even in the morning, but he rarely does. I even invite him to have a shower with me before I leave, but he usually declines, saying he’s too tired and will do it later. But it does gross me out. He sweats a lot during sex, and his genitals are covered in our bodily fluids. he gets wiped off with a towel and wipes after we’re done, but he’s really not clean unless he showers and uses soap. I remind him that he needs to keep it clean so I don’t get a UTI or something, but he still forgets, or he’ll only rinse it with water and not soap.
Then if we see each other the day after, he’ll want to have sex, but I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him not being properly cleaned and often, his genitals will have a very strong smell if he didn’t shower afterwards. The other day we were cuddling on the couch, and he pulled out his penis in an effort to initiate sex. But it smelt so strongly that I couldn’t get in the mood.
I don’t know how to ask him to clean it better. Again, he often denies my offer to shower with him, and he tells me that water is enough to clean it (if he does shower). For me, it’s been affecting our sex life a great deal. I want to bring it up, but he’s a sweet, sensitive guy and I don’t want him to take it the wrong way. At the same time, he ignores my subtle requests and reminders. This is a new thing and I’m not sure why it’s happening. How should I bring this up with him?
TL;DR: Boyfriend doesn’t shower after sex and I don’t know how to bring it up despite it grossing me out
EDIT: two things I should have mentioned! One- he is actively seeking help for his depression. He is medicated and in the process of getting to speak to a psychiatrist because he feels like his meds aren’t helping enough, and he wants to see if there’s anything else that he hasn’t been diagnosed for. And two- his depression has had an effect on his libido as well, and other parts of his life like school and work. So it’s definitely not just this one thing. He definitely has depression and isn’t being manipulative or anything. And also, he does have a bidet! So at the very least, his ass is clean. Smelling like shit is something I couldn’t tolerate for even a second
37 comments
> I know I can support him better when we eventually move in together.
NO! He needs to address this stuff *before* you move in together. What is he doing to work on his mental health issues?
For right now, you simply say “We can’t have sex until after you’ve showered.” And don’t have sex if his body is dirty.
As for the other things “I love you a great deal and it hurts us both that you’re experiencing (problems). I want you to feel better. What do you think about seeing a doctor about this?”
Whatever you do, do not move in until he has seen a doctor. You can’t “love him” into wellness.
Adults in a relationship need to be able to tell each other if there is a problem. You are not intending to hurt his feelings, and his reactions are not your responsibility. You can still be as kind as possible, but it’s not kind to ignore a big problem like this.
Always amazes me to read posts like this, like what are these people doing before they get into relationships? Being bathed and groomed by their mothers?
You should not have to tell a partner that he needs to take care of his personal hygiene. He’s sweet and sensitive? Then he needs to get upset by your honesty so it actually sinks in that his lack of cleanliness is not okay.
ETA.
>He sweats a lot during sex, and his genitals are covered in our bodily fluids. I wipe him off with a towel and wipes after we’re done,
This infuriated me, probably quite unreasonably. Why? Why are you cleaning him? Would he actually lay there in your mixed filth unless you did this for him?
You’ve tried being polite and beating around the bush, maybe its time to be more direct. If he wants to have sex and he smells, say that you cant have sex with him until he showers. You dont need to baby him or fix him but be upfront about where your boundaries are. Also you shouldnt move in until hes dealt with his depression in therapy
I would be done, bad hygiene is a deal breaker.
Dude, you wipe him off with a towel and wipes after you have sex? How incredibly sad. Even if his behavior is related to mental health, it is only going to get worse from here if he can’t learn to help himself. And unfortunately, you’re just enabling him to continue with the status quo. That image is a perfect metaphor for the state of the entire relationship.
Just tell him. I don’t think you need to tiptoe around this just to spare his feelings. It’s gross and you could get sick (and so could he). Showers and clean underwear every single day!
Does he brush his teeth? If he does that daily then tell him showering is exactly the same. Who would want to make out with someone who has poop breath from not brushing for a day or 2? It’s the same but worse because it’s his dick and it’s actually going inside you.
Be blunt, not mean. Depression sucks and I’ve depression slept plenty of days away in my life (more than I’d ever really admit to) but this is a behavior that needs to be corrected. It’s a VERY reasonable request.
>I want him to take care of himself, so I buy him lotions, exfoliators, and fidget toys and gently remind him to use them, but he rarely does it on his own. It’s fine, I know I can support him better when we eventually move in together.
With all due respect, are you going to wipe his ass too?
Whenever I read posts like that I wonder how can some women have such low standards they are willing to have sex with dirty gross men. OP – He will not change unless he wants to change. And he clearly doesn’t.
“The smell of your unwashed penis is so bad I cannot have sex with you again.” I betcha he’ll get better at washing… Or you dump him. Besides being gross this is a health hazard.
>gently remind him to use them, but he rarely does it on his own. It’s fine, I know I can support him better when we eventually move in together.
🚨🚨🚨
Please remember the comments on this post a few years after you’ve been living together, when you’re burnt out on being a caretaker to a grown human and becoming resentful/checked out of the relationship.
And if you’re a person who wants to have kids someday, please understand that if you allow this person to become reliant on you for this kind of basic stuff, you’re likely going to have to do the lions share of the workload caring for the children on top of caring for this person, on top of whatever financial obligations you’ll have.
ETA: if you have a very simple need, you should be able to express it in your relationship calmly and with kindness without it being an enormous issue. If you can’t tell him his hygiene is hurting the relationship, that’s a serious issue that you need to figure out the source of and address meaningfully before you get more serious.
In our house, we only have sex after the shower 🚿. Smells are a turn off.
We could have sex before a shower but we wouldn’t go down as a result.
Do what my wife and I do. “You stink…” “Your breath is rank.” “Ewww, go take a shower.”
If he’s nasty he needs to know it. Don’t be subtle. Be direct. “Dude, you smell like week old bread.” If that’s not enough then it never will be. He should both feel bad for a moment and want to fix it. Totally normal for people to smell, but there are ways to both prevent and fix that problem when it happens.
Read through all your comments
I understand you’re trying to empathize with him, however I don’t have the energy to be stern today so here’s some alternatives:
* If he won’t get his ass in the shower, throw baby wipes, body wipes, *whatever* wipes at him so he can clean himself while still laying in bed
* Some dry shampoo too and at least mouthwash, he’s brushing right? Right???
* Draw the hard ass boundary of no sex 2 days in a row if he did not shower, a fucking UTI is more expensive and painful to handle than you can ever know
* and no the body wipes don’t count as a shower
You’re already taking care of him but haven’t even moved in yet. You know it yourself, depression is dependent on every individual on how they deal with and come out of it. You have NO fucking idea if his depression will stick around for years after you move in. You’ll spend so much time taking care of him you’ll have no love or energy left for yourself.
Make sure you’re okay with being his nurse/gf around the clock before you move in if his depression hasn’t improved before then.
“I deserve to have sex with a clean person, the same as you get.”
Honey leave. You’re supposed to be his partner not his mother. He’s disgusting and you deserve better
Tell him no bc he’s stinky and you mean it in the nicest way possible and needs to shower first. You’ve kinda been enabling him lol. Good relationship shouldn’t have you on egg shells at all, if he gets his feelings hurt then he’s handling your input the wrong way. Be assertive and tell him he’s stinky and it’s been turning you off, if he doesn’t wake up from that then gl dealing with that shit for who knows how long.
I have BPD and cPTSD. When I’m having days where I don’t feel like I can do anything like shower or brush my teeth, sex is also included in the list of things that is too much effort to do. Sounds to me like he isn’t actually struggling with hygiene because of mental health but because he’s lazy.
Girl I’m begging you to raise the bar.
>I don’t know how to ask my boyfriend to maintain his hygiene better
Tell him
You know how a true friend tells you if you have broccoli in your teeth? Tell him. It’s out of love, not malice, and if has some trouble understanding that, luckily he can talk it through with the therapist.
Wow. You can let this man into your vagina but cannot tell him to wash his ass?
Make it make sense!
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Honestly your only option is to straight up tell him that he needs to shower. If he tries to initiate sex with you, tell him no and his lack of hygiene is making you uncomfortable.
A few things that come to mind.
You are not responsible for his mental health. It’s good to be a supportive partner but it’s really easy to cross the line of supportive to enabling. If he becomes dependent on you doing things or you reminding him, he won’t do it himself
I’m curious if the depression might be an excuse and not a reason. I’ve deal with depression. It does sap you of energy and motivation. But if he has the physical and emotional energy to have sex regularly, he should have the energy to bath regularly. Im not saying it’s impossible, but seems a little suspicious
When I’m depressed hygiene is something I struggle with immensely. There have been times I went two weeks without showering because I was so depressed I could not make myself get out of my bed. However, whenever I spent time with my partner, I have always made sure to be clean. In the two years we have been together there has not been a single time I didn’t wash my body and specifically my nether regions prior to being intimate. I understand your boyfriends struggles but there is no way he isn’t aware that he stinks, his depression is making it to were he doesn’t care. You need to have a serious and blunt conversation about this because it’s very possible that this behavior will extend to other areas of your relationship if you allow it to continue. Just sit him down and explain that in order for you to have a safe, fun, and consistent sex life he needs to clean himself up before and after sex.
Stinky dudes are easy. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Before sex, make him shower. Period. And he can’t touch your bits until his nails are groomed. It’s pretty simple and straight forward.
Try this… if you think he needs to shower and wants to get down with you…
“Uh uhn! Go shower if you want this and brush you teeth, too.” And then giggle, jiggle your tits and go back to what you were doing before.
It doesn’t have to be a big ordeal. Plenty of young stinky dudes can get in the habit of good hygiene if they know they are absolutely not going to get sex unless they groom themselves properly. I’ve done it. I’ve seen my friends do it, too. Don’t be afraid to be demanding. And if he wants to make you feel like you’re the problem, you may want to consider someone else. Because he sounds gross as fuck.
Do not move in with him until he is stable and clean. You moving in should be a progression of the relationship, not you babysitting him and reminding him to take a shower. Because if you move in before he’s managed to work this out, you’re just going to become the bang-maid/mommy and he’s going to get mad at you nagging him.
Please don’t have sex with a dirty dicked man. They need to earn that and showering is the very least he could do to maintain a sex life.
don’t make the request subtle. straight up say i am not going to be intimate with you if you can’t practice basic hygiene. even if it’s a mental health issue that doesn’t mean you have to put up with stank dick. you can empathize with someone and still maintain a personal boundary.
i’m also depressed and forget to shower often. i’m gonna go shower now, thanks! ^_^
edit: fixed the emoticon, also: I showered!
good luck OP. all i can really say is talk to him. let him know how his hygiene is affecting you.
I’ve been here too. Personal care wasn’t quite where it should have been & at times, it interfered with our intimacy.
Like you, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I wish I had been more direct with my partner of the time. Sadly, I probably ended up hurting them more with my less than direct approach.
Be honest. Talk to him.
This is the one time I can say “I get it”. Please for the love of god do not do this to yourself. It’s his issue. He is depressed but that’s his thing. My gf was depressed and didn’t shower for 3,4,5,6,7 days at a time despite my urging to do so. She would initiate sex and yeah I’m down but damn that shit smelled. Fuck that. That stopped quickly. I did all the laundry and dishes and cleaning of the floor and the dog. The least a partner could do is maintain their cleanliness – if he can’t do that then don’t move in with him. Good luck
Honestly if you can’t flat out say hey you need a shower why are you even having sex? How is he not turning you off at this point knowing how nasty he is ?
Ask him to shower before sex. If he doesn’t shower don’t have sex with him. It’s not a big ask.
So this is my contribution. I dated someone like this. I had to beg him to brush his teeth. I know you may be thinking “the worst that can happen is that I hurt his feelings” but I assure you the worst that can happen will happen to YOU. My ex rarely showered and frequently demanded sex. Because of this i had TWO KIDNEY INFECTIONS. I had to be on antibiotics and I had to see the doctor. At one point I almost went to the hospital.
This may not happen to you, but I think what you need to do is sit him down and be honest. And a part of that honesty is “i know this is a sensitive topic, and I am not trying to embarrass you. I know you are struggling, but your hygiene is affecting me In this way_____ and I need to set boundaries for it”
Make a “shower before sex” rule. That way you’ll know he’s clean each time. You could even shower together.
Usually the best way to tell a man something is to say things directly as they are, with no attempts to to hint at anything or soften the blow. We are very litteral creatures. We do not natually communicate the way women do with hints or nuances. That is a skill that we can learn, usually for when we are dealing with women, but it is not our native language.
In short, my guess would be to just tell him straight out.