Hi all, basically my coworker has organised a big birthday party for herself and made it wedding themed (we all are supposed to wear clothes that we would wear to a wedding as wedding guests) because according to her as she has never been married and her father is now terminally ill, she wants to have her “father daughter dance”.
I already RSVP’d that I would go weeks ago. However, last weekend I began getting excruciating pain in my wrist. Background on this is that I’ve had cancer twice since I was 26, one tumour in my spine that was surgically removed after radiotherapy at 27 years old and then a type of lymphoma in the glands of my throat that I had surgically removed January 2021. Any bone pain now terrifies me, and rightly so tbh. I went to A&E finally on Thursday night when I couldn’t move my hand and they confirmed with an X-ray that I have a growth on my wrist bone that could be a reoccurrence of the bone cancer (but I won’t know until they test it). My coworker does not know about my history of cancer however as I kept everything very quiet when I had the time off and basically told my managers that if anyone ended up knowing that I hadn’t personally told, I would be taking them to a tribunal regarding confidentiality as I am a very private person.
I was lucky and privileged tbh because non of my treatments led me to lose any hair on my head except my eyebrows and eyelashes which I blamed on my thyroid. (I lost like a couple rows of hair on the back of my head weirdly but that was covered by the rest of my hair and the rest of my hair just shed more than usual)
I’ve been signed off of work with a sick note which carries me through to after a biopsy is taken. I’m in a great deal of pain, and it’s nerve pain so I need special neuro painkillers to even touch it. I messaged her and said I’m so sorry to let you down last minute but I can’t come due to carpal tunnel (I know that’s a lie but my business is my business) and explained truthfully I’m on loads of painkillers and can’t go. I expected that to be the last of it to be honest. Instead she has messaged back and forth to me three times insisting I go. The first message said “no don’t do that can’t you come just for a bit and get a few drinks in you so the pain feels less bad?”
I replied to that I also didn’t want work to find out I handed in a sick note and then went to a party. Again, I assumed the interaction would be over now.
She messaged back saying “I’ve been off sick with a broken bone before and went to a work event just don’t appear in any photos no one will tell on you”
This filled me with social anxiety to be honest because I’m walking a fine line all the time at work between my professional assertiveness and maintaining friendly relationships with colleagues as it is, and i fear dysfunction in my working relationships.
I replied that I was taking my sick note in tomorrow morning and would let her know what my pain was like tomorrow but I doubt I could come and reiterated that so her money for my meal wasn’t wasted I would reimburse her.
She has messaged a third time saying “it’s not about money, you were my top person on my list that I wanted there from work and I don’t want to have to look at your little empty seat”
I haven’t opened or replied to the message yet because I’ve honestly never encountered such an unwillingness to accept what I’m saying in a context like this before. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can navigate this? Pain, fear and acute social anxiety are impairing my ability to make a good decision I think. Thanks to anyone who can help 🙂 for added context she and I aren’t close friends or anything literally just coworkers
TL;DR Messaged coworker to pull out of attending catered party but offered to pay for my “head” as it’s short notice. Have genuinely scary health shit going on and in a lot of pain. She is repeatedly messaging me insisting I go, not taking no for an answer. What should I do?
46 comments
Stop trying to defend or justify yourself. You said you aren’t coming. Her feelings about that aren’t your problem. I hereby give you permission to stay home if that’s what you need.
You don’t need to explain further. You’ve told her you’re not coming. If you feel so compelled you could message back and say something like “I am very private in regards to my health and i’d like to keep it that way, and it’s more complicated than it sounds. I would absolutely attend if I could, but I hope you understand that it’s just not possible right now. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you enjoy your special day!
>because according to her as she has never been married and her father is now terminally ill, she wants to have her “father daughter dance”.
Ooof, that’s hard to read.
>and said I’m so sorry to let you down last minute but I can’t come due to carpal tunnel (I know that’s a lie but my business is my business)
I mean, what a weird lie to choose.
>Does anyone have any advice as to how I can navigate this?
Stop with the open ended messages that makes her think there’s a chance, stop telling weird lies, and just end the conversation. In the future, don’t give a reason for saying you can’t go. Be firm, say you can’t go, and leave it at that.
>for added context she and I aren’t close friends or anything literally just coworkers
Then you should be far less worried about this than you are. Stop letting people push you around and control your emotions that don’t matter.
Ugh. The fact that you told her you were on tons of painkillers and her wheedling response was to beg you to come and drink alcohol to relieve the pain. How, no pain because you’ve died now or are in a coma?
If you respond one more time (and I don’t suggest you do), definitely don’t use any hedging words like “I think,” “I doubt,” or “I’ll see if.” She is clinging to that and trying to push the door wide open.
“I hope you have a great time, but as I told you, I will not be attending, I cannot attend and that will not change.”
I would just text her, “I’m not feeling well and in pain. I know you will understand that I simply can’t make it and not bring it up again. Enjoy your party!”
And leave it at that, Op. Don’t open or reply to her texts. If she asks you why you didn’t respond to her when you go back to work, tell her you were resting.
This person is pushy and rude, Op. Don’t worry about it.
I hope you get better soon!
This is not a relationship worth fighting for since she can’t respect boundaries. Please don’t let it cause you anxiety. You can remain assertive yet positive if you follow a script in your reply. Maybe someone here can write it for you. Something like “Thanks xxx for your concern, I can tell you care for me and I’m so sorry I won’t be there for your event. You can take me at my word when I say I’m physically not well enough to go. I take my health seriously and will only take health advice from my doctors. I hope you have a fantastic night!”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you; I’m fighting cancer, will you be there for me?”
I am so confused how this is even a discussion. “I won’t be able to make it” and leave her on read. Why are you trying to justify yourself to her?
Weird lie, OP. I feel like it’s akin to the old “can’t see you coz I’m washing my hair”.. line.
I would try a little honesty, but in a way that protects your privacy.
“I can see you’re disappointed and I don’t feel great about it. I wasn’t honest with you about my reason, because it’s something that is incredibly personal, but I now see it’s made things more complicated than they needed to be. I don’t want to go into it further, so can you please just trust that I’d be there if I could?”
Sometimes a little vulnerability goes a long way to resolving things.
Edit to add: I haven’t commented on her behaviour because she isn’t the one here asking for advice. We can choose respect and kindness in every interaction, even when the other person isn’t.
Even though you are a private person it sounds like you should give her the honest truth not for pity but them she will know you are friends it’s just a painful personal matter that scares you to death and puts you in intense pain. Friends open up to friends they don’t lie. Just be honest. Honesty always wins.
No is a complete sentence
Just tell her – listen this is really severe pain, I’m on strong painkillers and the doctor said I shouldn’t go out and should just rest at home. I can’t drink because of the drugs and I really wouldn’t be any fun. I may need surgery on it and I’m waiting to hear.
I’d love to be there, but honestly it’s excruciating and I won’t be able to make it.
No is a complete sentence. If you want to be nice you can say I am in too much pain to go. She is being an a&&.
Just don’t respond at all
Don’t respond. I also wouldn’t have told her carpal tunnel. You can’t make it, you’re dealing with a medial issue, you hope it’s a great time and look forward to celebrating when you’re able to return to work. And now you just don’t respond.
You don’t do anything except ask her to respect your situation. And then leave it at that. Her feelings are not your responsibility.
Note: I wouldn’t make up excuses. Just say due to a personal matter that has come up…
Like another person commented, no more open ended responses. You said no. You don’t owe any more explanation than that. I get it though – I have social anxiety and would second guess myself in this situation constantly.
Please take care of yourself, I hope you feel better soon.
A no is a no. She should accept that and not try and force you to go. Stay firm and tell her that you have given her heads up (which honestly would have been the last thing on my mind personally in your situation) and you are not coming, maybe still give her the money for your part of the food and whatnot and that’s it. She can’t make you feel bad for being in pain and not wanting to go because of it, that is inhumane in my opinion.
Stay strong and I hope that your situation gets better soon!
Sorry you’re disappointed
I can’t come.
Have a great time
Period. No more discussion
Silence your phone
Temporarily block her
You know you can’t go.
Stop replying. She has proven that no matter what you say she will have a comeback. If she says anything about it once you go back to work just say, I told you I was too sick to come. I’m sorry that wasn’t good enough for you and then Stop responding again.
You are in control here. You have told her you can’t come. Now don’t go.
OP you’re too nice for your own good, work is work. You can come home at the end of the day. She’s not important in your life, she wouldn’t be in it if not for your job. You’re allowed to not go to a coworkers birthday party
It sounds like she really likes you and was hoping you would be there. Tell her you were looking forward to going and would be there if you were physically able. People respond better to positivity, so just keeping being positive. She doesn’t understand the extent of your illness so she’s not trying to be cruel, even if she’s not good at accepting “no’s.”
She’s selfish and doesn’t care about your well-being. Guilt tripping you is a form of manipulation and I would hope that by 40, she could have learned to change that disgusting behavior. That explains why she doesn’t have any friends and seeing a coworker was at the top of her list 🤦🏻♀️ You don’t need to reply to her or explain yourself at this point. Leaving her message without a reply is a reply in itself. If she has a problem with it – then you saved yourself from a manipulative person.
You already said no. Just stop responding.
Direct point here: They’re colleagues. If you left your job tomorrow you’d probably never hear from any of them ever again. They aren’t your friends.
Don’t go and if she has a moan at work – simply say “I told you I couldn’t come. I’m sorry you’re upset but that’s not my fault.”
What? Do you have something going on with her?
Just tell her you’re in too much pain and can’t come. That’s it.
This chick is throwing herself a fake wedding without a groom. It’s so freaking weird to me, I cannot understand it. She has problems, is pushy and rude. If she talks smack no one will listen cause they are all gonna talk about her freaking weird ass party!! For real who does this? Don’t worry about this at all, it’s too weird. You however are normal so I hope you feel better soon, physically and mentally. Don’t be so damn nice next time a freak tries to make you feel bad! Lol this one really got my knickers in a twist
Have you read the book ‘when the body says no!’ It’s about how people pleasing, trauma, stress, anxiety, and emotional blocks can contribute to (and express themselves through) health issues. I want to be clear that it’s never ever your fault if you develop health issues and the book might not be relevant for you- but something in your post reminded me of it, and it helped me be healthier. Hope your wrist is ok
I would be honest and say “I’m sorry I lied to you. I have a health condition that means I can’t go. No, I will not tell you about it, that crosses a personal boundary. I said carpal tunnel because I thought you would accept that excuse. I see now that I need to just be blunt and say no. I’m truly sorry about your father and i wish you the best.” Or something along those lines.
Honest, expressing empathy and setting your boundaries is key.
Nevermind the busy body coworker. Other people have that business covered. You have enough on your own plate to worry about without adding her serving of drama.
I do want to tell you I hope the cancer screening is negative and that your wrist pain subsides. Hopefully by this time next year you can laugh at this whole scenario.
Yes, the first mistake you made was creating a lie. You should have just apologized that you cannot make it, and not answered the topic further. Lesson learned!
“It’s not about work though that is a factor too. My injury is very painful and I would not be much fun moaning in pain at you party. It’s nice to know that you will miss me but I am sure you will still have a wonderful time. Enjoy an extra piece of cake and think of me. “
Simply acknowledge how sweet that is for her to say but with regret, you aren’t attending. No more and no less. Additional texts from her can be ignored. Do not provide additional explanation.
Your issue is internal-not with her. I’m so so sorry you have to go through cancer. I hope you can get more emotional support through friends or family to help you get through.
Wait until two days or less before the party and then text her that you picked up covid at the doctors office and are quarantined.
“I apologize, however I am having medical issues that cause me immense pain and not only would I be miserable, but I would bring the mood of the entire party down. I am not willing to put myself in a situation where I am causing myself pain and taking attention away from your, the birthday girl. Please enjoy your day, I wish you a very happy birthday. I very much wish I could be there, however, as I have stated multiple times, I physically cannot be there”
If you’re a coward like me.. give every pretense that you’re looking forward to going and then a couple days before the party pull out the covid excuse.”oh no! I can’t belive this is happening! I just tested positive for covid! I was SO EXCITED to go to your party and I can’t belive I have to miss it! Please send me pictures!!!!”.
Your coworker is acting the way I did when I was 18 and very immaturely trying to convince people to come out drinking. Yeesh. Does she not realize she is a 40 year old woman who should have grown past this by now?
I would write one final message saying “I’m sorry you are disappointed but I’m sure you’ll have a great time. As I said, I won’t be attending but I’d be happy to make it up to you once I’m better! Have a great party!” And then stop replying to anything party related from her.
You said that you were not going no matter what your reasoning is and how she feels about that is her problem, not yours.
I know you said you’re a private person, but dropping the cancer bomb would probably shut her up
Hey so as someone socially adapted and am around a lot of people who bond via partying- she’s only giving you pushback because carpel tunnel is a weak af excuse lmao. Honestly even saying “im having health issues rn” would be better. Carpel tunnel is like, coughing into the phone twice saying “i’m sick.”
She really may think you have a close friendship and thinks she’s expressing how much she likes you and wants you to be there. SHE IS in the wrong ultimately, but please don’t think she’s being an asshole because she still wants you to come out. You didn’t tell her you may have bone cancer, you told her your wrist kind of hurts. People wear wrist braces and still live their normal lives with CT.
Well I think telling the truth (in a really short/blunt way) it’s easier (and if she starts asking for details you can tell her “sorry but it’s something really personal”)
You just don’t go. She probably won’t even notice
Get quick with her. Tell her, “I’ve told you three times that I can’t make it. I’m very sorry, but I won’t tell you a fourth time. I hope you have a great party”.
That’s what I’d do, anyways.
You’re the top person she wanted from work to be there, but I assume she hasn’t checked in on you at all since you’ve been signed off work? That sounds so manipulative to me