This is one of the most F’d up things I’ve gone through.
A little while back I slept with someone for the first time, it was just a fling but with someone I knew through a friend. After that hook up we casually texted but never went for another round.
Unfortunately he was hit by a drunk driver and died not long after our hookup and my friend group all went to the funeral to support his family. That’s where I met his mom for the first time. I didn’t say much to her, just expressed my condolences.
Recently I found out I was pregnant, my friend and I were safe, used protection and everything but I guess things happen.
(FYI I live in Canada so I’m not worried about not being able to get it terminated if that’s what I decide to do.)
I never reached out to his family about this, but somebody let it slip to them that I was pregnant with his child and his mother came to me sobbing asking if this was true. I explained everything and confirmed yes it’s true, and she cried even harder saying it’s a miracle and god has blessed her with a grand baby to replace her son.
This made me really uncomfortable and I told her I haven’t made and decisions about the pregnancy yet and I would like her to leave. She turned aggressive and told me I would be taking away her only chance at having a grand baby from her son if I didn’t have the baby.
Finally I told her that was enough, I’ll decide what’s best for me and her opinion doesn’t matter to me. I might consider her feelings while I decide but for right now she needs to gtfo.
I feel bad for her, I really do. But I am not in a financial place to have a baby, and if I did carry it to term I would want to put it up for adoption. I just don’t think a grieving mother would be the best parent for the baby as from what she’s said she’ll try and replicate her son through my child. And now she and her family are sending me all sorts of messages talking about how nice it would be to have a baby in the family and a piece of my friend through his only child.
Please, I really need some advice on how to navigate this situation.
TLDR: One night stand passed away, found out I was pregnant, grieving family is harrasisng me about the pregnancy.
43 comments
I see two options here. One you terminate it and move on and block them on all social media, change your number, and maybe move to a different city. I expect otherwise they will be able to emotionally blackmail some of that friend group into revealing your whereabouts.
Two, you talk to the mom, ask her if she is able to adopt the baby since you are not in any position to give it a decent life, and if she says yes, give up all parental rights after keeping it to term.
You are correct that she may have difficulty with her grief, but perhaps you could require that she see a grief counselor or therapist on the regular as a condition of adoption or something. Or have some of her close family members check on the baby routinely to make sure it is not being neglected or abused.
Make no mistake, seeing a pregnancy through to the end is a major sacrifice in and of itself. Every pregnancy will change your body, permanently.
Either way is a sacrifice. I hope you do what is best for you, regardless of how others feel about it.
That’s really tough, first of all I’m sorry for your loss. Regardless if it was short, this whole situation has to be very emotional for you. I can’t imagine the roller coaster that you’re on right now. Whatever you do you have to do what is right for you. There’s a good chance whatever it is that you decide you’re going to be doing it alone. If you decide to have the kid that’s 9 months of doctor’s appointments that you’ll be going to as in without the other parent. It’s not your responsibility to bring a child in to replace the child that his mother lost. Yeah it sucks, but you’re young and you have your whole life to look out for.
I’m in no way encouraging you to get an abortion, but I’m also not discouraging it. This is your life, and you are going to make the decision that you’re supposed to make. and whatever that decision is don’t let other people make you feel bad about it. If they do try to, cut them out of your life. Because obviously they aren’t thinking of you and your happiness they are thinking of their own.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best of luck and a peaceful life.
They are emotional blackmailing you and trying to influence you do become their babymachine.
They are going through an incredebly difficult time but that does not entitle them to sacrifice parts of your life.
No matter what though you should not let them adopt, escpecially not the mother.
Its your belly, not a miracle from god to her.
(nasty musing about why she lost a child then)
I could not trust her with a child where she will project her child and only god knows what unto a poor newborn.
It might sound cruel but why not terminate it and say the stress of the harrassment from the family was at fault?
Holymoly i wish you the best of luck, this is one hell of a pickle jar.
Block them all. They should not be involved in a personal decision. I also would cut off the person that told them.
If he hadn’t died… what would you do?
Do that. You don’t owe anyone your health, your body or your future. His mother is grieving right now but as a parent, I’m sure in time she would realize how messed up it is to ask someone else’s kid to essentially surrogate for them.
Wow that’s a diffucult situation but ultimately you need to do whats best for yourself.
I just want to mention that should you decide to end this pregnancy, you are not obligated to tell them. Just say you had a misscarriage to get them off your back. Noone is entitled to your medical information.
I agree that this potential baby should have parents who want a baby not because they want a piece of someone that died just after they were conceived. Would your friend have wanted a child with you? Likely not as you didn’t know each other apart from this one time.
You don’t owe anyone a child, his dna is also present in his family, this idea that his dna is a piece of him which is important is baloney, he shares that dna with his family.
And what about you, the child will be your dna also, doesn’t that count as well?
I would ask a lawyer if the family could block an adoption and consider that you may have that choice taken away from you at that point, I don’t know if it is possible but it is worth finding out.
This pregnancy could end at anytime due to stress or other factors, if that happened how do you think you would feel, thinking in those terms can help make a decision.
I wish you luck and health, this situation sucks and whoever put you in it deserves a kick up the butt.
Whichever you decide, it’s going to come with major regrets and potential trauma either way. Maybe get some counselling to help you decide? I hope it all works out for you.
I mean she would be a fine parent and they are the perfect adoption candidates if they can offer support.
It is your choice, but please don’t give birth and then put the child into the system without at least offering the family. The system can sometimes work out, but a lot of the time it is a less than perfect experience.
All this said she shouldn’t harass you.
You do whats best for you and only you because you are the one that will have to go through with that decision and live with that decision, whether it is abortion, adoption, raising the child yourself. You mentally, physically and emotionally have to go through it. So make the choice that us right for you and your life. The only 2 things I will say is; 1) drop the friend who told the fathers family, no matter their reasoning for telling the family is wasnt to help you and they didn’t respect you or your right to keep your medical info private, and 2) if you decide to have and keep the baby put boundaries in with the paternal family and stick to them, don’t let them take the baby overnight etc. Grief can make people do and say some crazy things and I would hate for that to happen to you.
“… to replace her son.”
That is just awful…
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“She turned aggressive and told me I would be taking away her only chance at having a grand baby from her son if I didn’t have the baby.”
Being a parent does not mean that you are entitled to grandchildren. My mother constantly tries to pressure my girlfriend and me into having children, but we are childfree. My mother says that she has the right to become a grandmother, but that’s bullshit.
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Your body, your choice. You are not an incubator. I understand that this is very emotional for your hookup’s mother, but if you want to get an abortion, you should do that. You don’t owe her a grandchild. Her son didn’t owe her a grandchild. Then, cut off your hookup’s mother and block her everywhere.
A baby should be born because, well, the parent(s) want a baby. Not because a grandmother demands grandchildren or tries to replace her son. That puts an unhealthy amount of pressure on the child.
Having a child and putting it up for adoption? Not a good idea. There are already so many children without a home, without a family… Then, abortion is a better option.
It sounds like you want an abortion, and that the only thing maybe stopping you from doing that is your hookup’s mother’s behaviour. So you should have the abortion.
My only thought is.. well shit. One of those no win situations.
But of course you should make the choice for you. No one else. They don’t own your body, they can’t force you to carry this to term. They definitely are grieving yes, but this doesn’t give them authority over your body.
Make your decision as you would if none of this had happened.
Find the “friend” that told on you and cut them out (I can’t see any interaction that “lets slip” something like that. This was deliberate).
Sorry this is happening to you
I am sorry that you’re in this situation now.
I think it is rather creepy of the mother to insinuate that the baby would “replace” her deceased son.
while i do not want to pressure you into a certain desicion i just want you to consider one thing. If you keep the baby and stay in contact with that family, you’ll probably have to fight with them over how you raise your child. The mother is still grieving and assuming she’s not letting herself properly grieve because she’s concentrating on the baby, she’ll use it as replacement and raise them the way she raised her son.
Make the desicion for yourself, for what feels comfortable and right for you. And should you decide to keep it, maybe look into grandparents rights of your province /country
Her having a grand baby is nice for her, but you are going to be the one raising it and paying for it. Do what is best for you.
Ultimately if you do decide to move forward with the pregnancy, you’re gonna have to understand his family is likely going to try to pressure you to do stuff constantly for their sake so they can be around your late friends child and have some control over his upbringing. You’re right that a grieving parent will not make the best home environment for raising that child and don’t let anyone convince you to be a birthing cow for their sake. They may try to convince you to go through with it and then try to take your child from you. Or just be overbearing regarding it’s upbringing. God forbid you try to move away and they find out. They’ll accuse you of kidnapping and being cold-hearted for living your life and doing what’s best for you. Besides that, there’s so many financial implications. Even if they offer to help with the financial portion of it, they’re gonna expect more control over your and your child’s life in return. Do you really want to go through all that potential drama and risk?
Only you have say over your body and you didn’t sign up for this. His family isn’t your responsibility. I would have just told his mother I am pregnant and I don’t think he’s the dad, but either way they have no right to try to influence your decision. It shows how they’ll continue to try to influence your actions long after if you decide to go through with it. Just stop responding to them and do what’s best for you. Go no-contact if needed. Block them. But don’t let a person ever tell you how to live your life and what to do with your body.
Edit- Just to add on, it’s very clear that this woman plans on replicating/replacing her son with this new child if it’s born which is a very alarming thing. Not a good environment at all. Not sure how other people don’t see that.
Literally sounds like a nightmare
Just because I’m not from Canada…if you did decide to go through with the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption, how does that work with his family? Like can they sue for DNA tests and such? They are having major grief so it’s hard to know how unstable they are at baseline, but it sounds like they want to repeat their son, which isn’t a good situation either. Just another angle to think about.
Your body your choice, don’t have a kid you don’t want to have and most certainly because someone wants a replacement child.
yea block all contact from them. even if you do decide to have this child it should be your choice. and like you said i would not want this woman around to make this child her replacement baby. no matter what you decide set up boundaries now and cut the contact
whomever leaked your pregnancy…also gets the chop from your life.
If she doesn’t stop harassing you, I’d consider filing for an order of protection. I understand that she’s grieving but her behaviour is definitely crossing several lines in an attempt to influence a very personal decision of yours.
You do what’s best for you. That being said if you have this child you’ll be stuck with this woman and her family for life. She seems unhinged and looking to replace her son.
I am also a mother who just lost her son. I only ask that you please be gentle with her. Obviously, this tragedy just happened and it was a shock to everyone. Yes, she is putting unreasonable pressure on you but she is still in shock of losing her son. I can tell you that it is the most traumatic, painful thing I’ve ever been through and I’m sure she feels the same. Would I love to have a grandchild that were his? Absolutely! When we lose someone as close as a child, we want to hold on to anything that brings their memory back to us. I’m not saying that you should have this child because of her grief. I’m saying that she is in a horrible abyss of grief and looking for light. She may be a good mother and grandmother but it is difficult for you to see that right now. I understand that You need to make your own decision. I just wanted give you a perspective from someone who understands what his mom is going through.
What a tough situation. I’m very sorry you are going through this. You are entitled to make your decision.
If you have someone more connect to the baby’s dad family, see if they can suggest counseling. They need to heal but that is not your responsibility. If necessary, get a restraining order.
If she’s already so demanding and agressive, it’s not even a real baby imagine what she would be like towards the kid, she sounds like a horrible person and I can’t imagine how awful of a grandmother she would be
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If I were you, I’d have an abortion and tell them it was a miscarriage. If you keep it, it sounds like your life would be much worse, and the child would be brought up in an… unstable situation. And I can’t imagine the hell that this woman would unleash if you put the baby up for adoption.
Just do the right thing to move on with your life.
This is a tough one.
Really bad situation for you.
One of the worst I’ve read.
I can’t even…
Just make sure you can make a choice you can live with for the rest of your life.
And those so called friends that didn’t keep your confidence?
Loose those asshats ASAP.
Tell them you miscarried and then decide what to do by yourself
You, my dear, are dealt a really shitty hand right now. Both routes suck. It’s up to you on how you want to do this. But if you do decide on a route, commit to it and go all the way.
If you are considering putting the baby up for adoption, I would contact a lawyer before it is too late to terminate to see if his mother would be able to stop the adoption or take the baby or something since the father isn’t there. The legal battle may be more than you or the adoptive family can or want to handle.
I see your side, I see his mother’s side.
From the sounds of it you don’t really know this guys family well. I think getting to know them better would help you in making a decision. Because whether you choose adoption or you want to parent this child, things will likely get messy.
Since you’re open to adoption I’d at least speak to an adoption attorney, find out what your rights are. I know you said you’d want someone else to adopt the baby, but his mother *may* be able to fight that.
If you’re open to keeping the baby but feel you’re not in the best place financially, would the father’s family would be willing to help? If this grandchild is that important to them, which I get why, how are they willing to support you during the pregnancy and after?
Also, I think everyone in this situation could really benefit from speaking to counselor. His mom is going through a lot, you’re going through a lot. No need to fight that battle alone. Plus having a mediator of sorts may be beneficial, too.
Honestly if you don’t have an abortion this woman is going to be in your life forever, if you give it up for adoption, she’s going to try and adopt it or find out who did. GL
I would say his mother isn’t thinking clearly right now because of her grief. Just make your decision without factoring her into it. If you do end up aborting the baby do not his mother! Tell her you had a miscarriage, I know it’s awful to lie but in that situation it’s ok. Someone in his family might want to adopt the baby and that would be wonderful if they are decent people.
I can understand the mothers desperation, desire and emotion. I’d possibly act like that in her situation.
I can also see the situation you’re in. I’d suggest that you meet again, sit down and talk it out. Allow her to have emotions and perhaps have a friend to talk with after the meeting.
Understanding would be a good place to start.
For sure, this is your body and life, your choice. You sound like you need a space in which to consider all the aspects, more information from a talk would be a start.
Get an abortion and block all of them. Stop talking to them.
What would you do if his mom would not have visited you? And also, lose the friend who let it “slip.”
First, drop the “friend” that ratted you out. They didn’t just let it slip. This is a tactic by “pro-lifers” to manipulate you into proceeding with the pregnancy by enlisting your partner’s grieving mother to apply the emotional pressure.
Secondly, it is not your responsibility to replace her dead son with your own child. You do not owe her a child, but if you do proceed with the pregnancy, there is a good chance she will be in your life forever. If you do decide to place the child up for adoption, I strongly recommend you get legal advice asap, especially since there is a nonzero chance she will try to adopt or gain custody. It may well be that abortion is the best and only option.
I have a few questions regarding the mother. Where did she come up to you? It sounds like at your house. If that’s the case, how long after the death of her son was that conversation? How did she find out where you lived?
I know this doesn’t seem very relevant, but I’m trying to get an idea of how her interaction with you actually happened. Tons of people are completely trashing the mother, and to be honest, I think it’s a bit unfair. She just lost her son. I don’t think she wants to replace her son with the baby, I think with her grief, she is mixing up what she is trying to say. She probably meant, something more on the lines of “a piece of her son.” Let’s face it, of course she is going to want that pregnancy to continue. Of course she would want to adopt the baby if you planned on putting it up for adoption. Jesus, everyone on here is acting like the mother is bat shit crazy. All I am seeing is a grieving mother who is holding on to hope that even though she lost her son, a piece of “something he made” lives on. Apparently no one can put themselves in the mothers shoes.
As for you OP, you need to do what is best for you and if that is terminating the pregnancy, so be it. I understand you are feeling the pressure from his family, I would recommend not letting guilt help you make the decision and going to planned parenthood to talk about all of your options. In the end, this is your decision, make it on your own. You may also want to look into therapy, because this is a big mess and no matter the decision you may need help to work through it. Best of luck
My 22 year old son died 5 weeks ago in an accident where he was hit by a car and it’s honestly the worst thing I have ever gone through, if I had found out he had got someone pregnant my initial reaction would be that I need that baby to be born because it’s part of the very thing I have just lost and I can completely understand how she must be feeling. However my grief and my loss does not mean that I get to pretty much force someone into having a baby just to make me feel better!! I would be 100% supportive with either decision you make because it’s your life and you have to live it for you and i always told my son the same thing. It’s a real shit situation to be in though but you don’t owe them anything at the end of the day, I actually feel like a right heartless bitch saying that considering I know how it feels to lose a son but my grief and their grief doesn’t override the fact that it’s ultimately your choice x
Even if you’re not sure you want an abortion in Canada, you should still seek out the option sooner rather than later if you don’t want to land in a 4 month wait list 🙃
It’s terrible, but a child is not someone’s play thing. They are not medicine. A physician would not prescribe a child to someone. You don’t sound like you want a child, so do not have one. Do not have one just to put one up for adoption either.
This is YOUR decision. That’s it. I get their excitement, I really do. They lost a loved one and this would be his child. But this isn’t their decision to make.
If you choose to terminate, this will likely get worse.
If you choose to keep the pregnancy to term, they will likely be overly in-your-business with parenting.
Legally in Canada can she petition for custody? In the US, in some places, she would be given the chance to file for adoption.
If you have this baby, you need to be prepared for the never ending pressure to give them the baby or keep it and give access to them. Not to mention that they may try to find the adoptive parents and harass them.
If you haven’t already, block all these people. Don’t continue to let them get in your head.
Have you met with a planned parenthood to discuss the options with an actual professional? Someone who can explain termination at whatever stage you are in and someone who can go through the legal process of adoptions?
Whoever told his family is not your friend. Get them out of your life